AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 So my fiancé and I got together 4 years ago on the 4th of next month. He moved here to be with me. When we first started going out we had a Kinky and laid back group of friends. Before he came out here or even decided to I had been sleeping with one guy on the norm because he was there and we had become friends. Obviously as soon as my current guy got here that stopped but all of us would hang out and go to "party's." Well even though nothing was going on with me and my friend he would sometimes touch my chest or ass and when we saw each other once a week for dinner at a restaurant, with a huge group of other friends. I would sit next to him and sometimes lay my head on his shoulder . My fiancé just a few months ago started saying that I cheated on him at this point in our relationship because I did not stop the other man from touching me until after my fiancé asked me to do so. My question is is this really cheating. I have not missed or slept with any one besides my fiance since we first the together.
Jersey born raised Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Did he have a FWB while living apart from you? To answer your question, you needed to shut OM out, period! Friendships, especially with a past sexual connection, can and do destroy reiationships. Perhaps your fiancé sees this guy as a threat, that you are still in an emotional affair with him (EA). Search for "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Read it and see how it might apply. Understand in a successful marriage "friends" are first accepted by the answering the question: "are they a friend to my marriage". Finally the issue of "controlling" will come up. Almost always tough to answer this one. If it is directed towards one or two individuals i tend to say it is not. 2
Author AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 He had just gotten out of another relationship and we had just started talking again. Him and I went to high school together. But as soon as our talks went to the possibility of a relationship I stopped sleeping with my friend. The friend and I rarely speak I mostly talk to his wife now only. But even that is too much.
Author AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 The problem with shutting out OM was that my fiancé was renting a room from him. So anytime I went to see my fiance I also saw OM.
lolablue17 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 The problem with shutting out OM was that my fiancé was renting a room from him. So anytime I went to see my fiance I also saw OM. Oh, come on... You say that you can't cut him out because your fiance and the appartment. What all this has to do with him touching your boobs and ass? If you hid the touching from your fiance, yes I would call it cheating. It's not cheating only if he knew about it. Touching breasts and ass are not considered things a woman does with ex's while she is engaged to another man. But I think that the cheating itself is minor, and it's not what makes your fiance so upset. I think you're showing disrespect to your fiance by letting this guy. By letting him touch you like this, in frint of others in the group, you humiliate your fiance, because others see it and talks behind his back, how his fiance making fun of him. Your ex likes doing that also to claim some ownership over you, to signal everybody: "Ha ha, ha, Look, she is marrying HIM but still letting me touch her privates, when ever I want. It's like marking a possession, a property. Your fiance knows it, I know it, all the others know it. You're the only one who's blind about it. If I was your fiance I would expect you to cut OM completely even if it means you can never hang out with your group of friends. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 So my fiancé and I got together 4 years ago on the 4th of next month. He moved here to be with me. When we first started going out we had a Kinky and laid back group of friends. Before he came out here or even decided to I had been sleeping with one guy on the norm because he was there and we had become friends. Obviously as soon as my current guy got here that stopped but all of us would hang out and go to "party's." Well even though nothing was going on with me and my friend he would sometimes touch my chest or ass and when we saw each other once a week for dinner at a restaurant, with a huge group of other friends. I would sit next to him and sometimes lay my head on his shoulder . My fiancé just a few months ago started saying that I cheated on him at this point in our relationship because I did not stop the other man from touching me until after my fiancé asked me to do so. My question is is this really cheating. I have not missed or slept with any one besides my fiance since we first the together. OP, I'm confused. Has your finace lived with you for the past 4 years? You said you stopped sleeping with this other guy when he moved to be with you - when was that? Your post isn't clear regarding the timeline. Also, I am interested to know why you mentioned your group of friends is kinky and that you all go to "parties." What type of parties? Did you and your finace have an open relationship prior to this or something? In any event, he is clearly not happy that you are not enforcing better boundaries. You have to stop allowing this other guy to fondle you. It's disrespectful to your relationship, and your fiance should not have to ask you more than once to do a better job of engaging in appropriate behaviour. 1
Author AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 If you hid the touching from your fiance, yes I would call it cheating. It's not cheating only if he knew about it. Touching breasts and ass are not considered things a woman does with ex's while she is engaged to another man. It was never hidden from him, because of the types of parties we went to where EVERYONE was grabbing each other I believed it to be okay. But as soon as my now fiance said something about it. I stopped this guy from doing those things. We did eventually stop going to these parties and hanging out with these people, until about 6 months ago when my fiancé decided he wanted to go and chill with them at a casual party. Where he stayed until 5 or 6 AM and I went home super early. He didn't say anything about the whole ordeal being cheating until just recently and all this happened almost 4 years ago. (Not saying that that the time matters because it is now how he feels, and that is important to me.)
Author AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 OP, I'm confused. Has your finace lived with you for the past 4 years? You said you stopped sleeping with this other guy when he moved to be with you - when was that? Your post isn't clear regarding the timeline. Also, I am interested to know why you mentioned your group of friends is kinky and that you all go to "parties." What type of parties? Did you and your finace have an open relationship prior to this or something? In any event, he is clearly not happy that you are not enforcing better boundaries. You have to stop allowing this other guy to fondle you. It's disrespectful to your relationship, and your fiance should not have to ask you more than once to do a better job of engaging in appropriate behaviour. Here is a better timeline. 2012 old friend from high school start talking again, I live halfway across the country he lives in state we grew up in. I am currently sleeping with Om but not dating him. (Just having fun) As soon as conversation with friend from high school turns romantic I stop sleeping with new friend. 2013 Friend from high school moves to same state I am in. We get together he is renting room from OM, for a while. OM grabs and touches me in the mist of "parties" (Kinky parties where everyone typically ends up naked at some point.) After about a month or two of dating boyfriend says he doesn't like this and I tell OM to stop he for the most part does (he did slip up here and there but I would just tell again to stop) a few months later boyfriend moves out of OMs house and in with me. We start seeing less and less of OM. 2014 not talking to OM much at all just a Facebook message every now and then to say hey. Still with boyfriend going strong. 2015 Boyfriend asks me to Merry him. I say yes. OM is just someone who post stuff on FB every now and again. 2016 Fiancé says let's go to this party at OMs house. OM does not grab or touch inappropriately. I leave around midnight fiancé leaves around 5 or 6 in the morning. Fiancé starts saying that I cheated on him when we first got together. The parties we went to were kink parties meaning lots of naked people at one point or another. No we have never had an open relationship.
albertalbert Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 hello everyone i really need some advice , i belive my wife is cheating on me , her bady language her eyes her mood the woman i know have changed, we are just married 2 months ago , we was together for a year ,the reason i belive she is talking to someone or seen someone is first she always onher phone and she smiles semtimes when i look at her she say what, also she hide whats she is texting , and this was like for 2 weeks on a monday i asked her , whats wrong whats going on coz i see you push me away from you we dont talk a lot we have no time for us ,she start to tell me you know i have issues at work with my mom and start blame me for stuff and teel me i dont listen , on the next sundy we went to church she went to conei fession and when we come back home she was mad and she drink half botle of wine , the next 2 weeks we was ok she was good and she answer my text and she start send me sexy emojis that she never did before when i ask her about this emojis she said i just send it to you , last weeked we was waiting for our sofa to be delivred the delevry come the sofa is not the one we want , when i was trying to take care of the dogs she went out with the delivry guys i feel someting not ok i went out after her the delivry guy says you can call me and i will make sure you get your sofa ,he went , we come in to the house she said let me save his number he is a nice man and he said he ganna help me , i went to the bathroom i come back she is stuck in her phone i talk to her she is not with me, than i saw inher eyes a smile and she start play with her hair and bite her lips and her face tell me she is telking to someone , i keep looking at her she said what what, than she looked the phone and put it away , and told me i love you i love you ,i keep looking at her and i saw a face of a guilty person, i was so angry , i stand i went to the living rrom she moved and she on the tv and she sto using the phone , i come front of her and i told her that if there is something wrongand why she exchange the phone number with the man she said i was looking to a dog pic and not a naked man, and she start her drama , i dont know what to do , i belive she is cheating on me , coz also she dont care about me and when i told her im jealous she said its your problem not mine , help me plz
lolablue17 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Here is a better timeline. 2012 old friend from high school start talking again, I live halfway across the country he lives in state we grew up in. I am currently sleeping with Om but not dating him. (Just having fun) As soon as conversation with friend from high school turns romantic I stop sleeping with new friend. 2013 Friend from high school moves to same state I am in. We get together he is renting room from OM, for a while. OM grabs and touches me in the mist of "parties" (Kinky parties where everyone typically ends up naked at some point.) After about a month or two of dating boyfriend says he doesn't like this and I tell OM to stop he for the most part does (he did slip up here and there but I would just tell again to stop) a few months later boyfriend moves out of OMs house and in with me. We start seeing less and less of OM. 2014 not talking to OM much at all just a Facebook message every now and then to say hey. Still with boyfriend going strong. 2015 Boyfriend asks me to Merry him. I say yes. OM is just someone who post stuff on FB every now and again. 2016 Fiancé says let's go to this party at OMs house. OM does not grab or touch inappropriately. I leave around midnight fiancé leaves around 5 or 6 in the morning. Fiancé starts saying that I cheated on him when we first got together. The parties we went to were kink parties meaning lots of naked people at one point or another. No we have never had an open relationship. You didn't mention did your Bf know about OM is touching you all the time? Did he know and didn't say anything until 2 month later when he asked you to stop?
BluesPower Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 So when you say Kink parties, are we talking group sex/swinging??? And why did BF stay till 5am? I am not seeing any cheating unless I am missing something. Maybe on the fridge but maybe just the edge? 1
Sweetfish Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Here is a better timeline. 2012 old friend from high school start talking again, I live halfway across the country he lives in state we grew up in. I am currently sleeping with Om but not dating him. (Just having fun) As soon as conversation with friend from high school turns romantic I stop sleeping with new friend. 2013 Friend from high school moves to same state I am in. We get together he is renting room from OM, for a while. OM grabs and touches me in the mist of "parties" (Kinky parties where everyone typically ends up naked at some point.) After about a month or two of dating boyfriend says he doesn't like this and I tell OM to stop he for the most part does (he did slip up here and there but I would just tell again to stop) a few months later boyfriend moves out of OMs house and in with me. We start seeing less and less of OM. 2014 not talking to OM much at all just a Facebook message every now and then to say hey. Still with boyfriend going strong. 2015 Boyfriend asks me to Merry him. I say yes. OM is just someone who post stuff on FB every now and again. 2016 Fiancé says let's go to this party at OMs house. OM does not grab or touch inappropriately. I leave around midnight fiancé leaves around 5 or 6 in the morning. Fiancé starts saying that I cheated on him when we first got together. The parties we went to were kink parties meaning lots of naked people at one point or another. No we have never had an open relationship. Lol... lets make this super easy. Did you do anything sexual while you were boyfriend and girlfriend with the OM. If not.. no you didnt cheat. It looks as though your boyfriend had a chat with the OM
Author AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 You didn't mention did your Bf know about OM is touching you all the time? Did he know and didn't say anything until 2 month later when he asked you to stop? Yes he knew he knew that I had slept with him before he moved here he saw this man grabbing me after we got together and did not saw anything for two months. After he said something about not liking what was going on it stopped.
Author AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 So when you say Kink parties, are we talking group sex/swinging??? And why did BF stay till 5am? I am not seeing any cheating unless I am missing something. Maybe on the fridge but maybe just the edge? Yes sex parties, there was group sex but my fiancé and I did not participate in the group parts. That night he said he was chatting with some of the guys. That night was not a party just a get together to play board games.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 It seems odd to me that he's bringing this up now, apparently so long after the fact. What did your fiance do until 5 am the night of this gathering? Maybe he did something and is projecting.
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 It's not really cheating unless there was an intentional transmission of bodily fluids. Your boobs were fondled a little bit, and you told the perpetrator not to do it. For the most part he didn't, but when he did, you told him to stop every time. That's not cheating. Imagine you're standing in line waiting to get into a club. A guy turns around and starts talking to you, and then starts rubbing your boobs. You tell him to stop, and he stops. Five minutes later, he does it again, and you tell him to stop again. It's the same thing. NOT CHEATING!
Author AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 He said him and the guys were up talking that night. And there weren't any chicks there after I left. Soooooo. I don't think he did anything that night.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 He said him and the guys were up talking that night. And there weren't any chicks there after I left. Soooooo. I don't think he did anything that night. It just strikes me as strange that he's bringing this up again now, quite a long time after the fact and after you put a stop to it. Did you ask him what prompted these thoughts at this point in your relationship?
Jj66 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 It might be cheating if 1. You don't want you fiancé to know about it (secrecy) 2. It's a violation by you of an agreement, possibly implied Since neither of these seem to apply from what you've said it is not cheating. He's jealous that this man touched you.
Author AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 It just strikes me as strange that he's bringing this up again now, quite a long time after the fact and after you put a stop to it. Did you ask him what prompted these thoughts at this point in your relationship? I have tried to but there is a lot more than just this going on. This just bugs me because I pride myself on being honest open and trustworthy. I can't stand cheaters and the thought that I unknowingly cheated on him kills me. Right now he thinks I am cheating on him now with my gay Jewish boss. No I am not doing that either. He thinks this because I work A LOT sometimes off clock and get home late sometimes leaving earlier than normal to beat traffic. Most of the time my boss is not there. But he won't believe me.
Author AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 It might be cheating if 1. You don't want you fiancé to know about it (secrecy) 2. It's a violation by you of an agreement, possibly implied Since neither of these seem to apply from what you've said it is not cheating. He's jealous that this man touched you. But almost 4 years later??????
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I have tried to but there is a lot more than just this going on. This just bugs me because I pride myself on being honest open and trustworthy. I can't stand cheaters and the thought that I unknowingly cheated on him kills me. Right now he thinks I am cheating on him now with my gay Jewish boss. No I am not doing that either. He thinks this because I work A LOT sometimes off clock and get home late sometimes leaving earlier than normal to beat traffic. Most of the time my boss is not there. But he won't believe me. This would have been helpful to know, as it gives more context to the current problem. There are some deep trust issues between you two, it seems. If he has a history of accusing you of things you didn't do, then you need to be asking yourself why you tolerate it. You also need to be asking yourself whether he's the most trustworthy individual. It's not unusual for cheaters themselves to project like this.
Author AlexaRose Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 This would have been helpful to know, as it gives more context to the current problem. There are some deep trust issues between you two, it seems. If he has a history of accusing you of things you didn't do, then you need to be asking yourself why you tolerate it. You also need to be asking yourself whether he's the most trustworthy individual. It's not unusual for cheaters themselves to project like this. His ex did a number on him constantly cheating, she was physically and mentally abusive to him. I didn't think until a few months ago when all this started coming up that he could cheat on me. But with everything that is going on I am not so certain anymore. I have put up with it because I understood what he went through and thought if I could be just be there and understanding then I could help him get through it. Right now the only reason we are still together is because we can't afford to live apart. As well as the fact that I would lose my only mode of transportation because it came from his stepfather. And he won't give it to me, even though he has another car he is currently making payments on.
lolablue17 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 After all of your clarifications, I don't think you cheated. I think he is just angry about something else, and is looking underground for claims to blame you with anything.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 His ex did a number on him constantly cheating, she was physically and mentally abusive to him. I didn't think until a few months ago when all this started coming up that he could cheat on me. But with everything that is going on I am not so certain anymore. I have put up with it because I understood what he went through and thought if I could be just be there and understanding then I could help him get through it. Right now the only reason we are still together is because we can't afford to live apart. As well as the fact that I would lose my only mode of transportation because it came from his stepfather. And he won't give it to me, even though he has another car he is currently making payments on. This is just sad. It doesn't matter if he thinks you cheated, really. Reading the above, it seems the relationship is already dead. I think you need to start focusing on detaching and claiming back your life. 1
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