jav100 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) Hello everyone, I (35 years old) have a BIG dilemma with my live in gf (33 years old) and I seek your advice because I am ashamed to ask any close family and friends. About five years ago, I met my current girlfriend online on POF. She was/is pretty, was college bound and seemed like a good potential girlfriend / woman. A few weeks into dating, I noticed she was receiving many text messages, calls from other men, I eventually snooped and confirmed this. She seemed like a professional dater! We weren't exclusive so I didn't stress or confront her about it. A few weeks later, when we were hanging out she told me her male friend from another state was coming over to stay with her for a few days. I told her this wasn't cool but to do what she needed to do again we were not exclusive yet. Well, he stayed over at her house. She claims nothing happened, but I never really believed that. Shortly later she said we should be exclusive and despite my better judgement, I agreed as I was in a bad time in life, no job (recession), recent loss of family member and recent breakup. I later found out she had genital herpes, HPV and had gonorrhea (treated/cured) in the past. These are both common so I looked passed it. We have always used condoms except once so I never contracted anything. She never told me anything I only learned of the HSV when I looked up some supplements she was taking. When she told one day she wanted to hang out with a male friend again who she used to work with, after we were exclusive I flipped out and nearly cancelled our trip to the islands. She pleaded, begged, cried, and promised to stop talking to them. I agreed against my better judgement. But this time (about a year into the relationship), I wanted to learn more about her so I snooped on her computer and gained access to her old emails, I found out she had cheated on her ex boyfriend with another guy to try and get a job, also cheated with a previous boyfriend, a professor, a lawyer, the co-worker guy she wanted to hangout with that (mentioned above) and the guy who slept over her house while we were first seeing each other. This conversation I found was between her and another women who she was interested in romantically! I can only imagine your reaction as you read this! Her ex bf apparently found out about this and broke up with her - he then listed her on some website for cheaters. When I told her about that, she said her exbf made this up and was trying to make her look bad, she basically denied everything. She also commented he broke into her accounts and tried to imitate her, I suspected she knew I had snooped and tried to cover her tracks, but that is a really hard to believe story! Another thing which concerns me is she works at this small construction company where she goes into work late and comes out late (12pm-9 or 10pm) and its a bookkeeping job so I sometimes wonder if she is romantically involved with the owner given she has possibly slept around for obtaining things. At this point, you might think I was crazy to stay (I am beginning to think I was), and I tried to break up with her but not sure why I stayed with her. She did seem to behave and not do anything shady, but in my head I was imagining crazy things. Given most of the stuff happened before she met me, I gave her a chance and thought maybe I would be the one for her to settle down with (her exbf was not good looking at all). Flash forward 3 1/2 years, and now she wants to have children and get married. And I ask myself, even if she has been good and has (based on what I know - she hasn't asked to hang out with guy friends, but can't be 100% sure given I can't afford a private investigator), I will put myself at risk for two STDs which I would do for the right person, but how do I know she would not cheat again - I see myself taking a lot of risk and possibly for future babies. We now live together, so a breakup would be messy. I was tested a few weeks ago and am clean. She has been pressuring me to have a baby and I feel bad wasting her time further and am split over continuing the relationship which is a shame because we get along very well and she is good with my unusual family but I feel betrayed and scared about the future a bit and think I could do better (I have a high paying job, am in great shape, and have no prior baggage (kids / marriages). The last five years have been a roller coaster ride with my jobs and family member getting cancer so they have gone in a flash. Please provide your respectful thoughts. All are appreciated. Edited January 30, 2017 by jav100 1
ElizabethIII Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Either you want to be with her for the rest of your life, or you dont. You say you can do better. There is your answer. 1
Lilyana76 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 The seeds of doubt and mistrust have already been placed. Do you want to live your entire future with this girl thinking she might be screwing around or bringing home a new STD to share with you? I think this relationship will be headed downhill fast, and you think you can do better. Even if she never cheats again, you will grow to resent her as it appears you think you would be settling for her. Maybe its time to cut her loose and find someone you can trust. 1
Simple Logic Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Yor GF seems to be quite the wild child. I don't think I would want to be the ex sending her child support payments. 1
Author jav100 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 Thanks for reading and responses. She claims she hasn't met with any of her old friends since we had the talk a while back but she does seem to keep in contact with them according to her phone and Skype records. She says she doesn't understand the big deal about male friends which given what I found is a huge deal.
Purepony Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 You are having second thoughts but you might feel guilty because like you said you live together but trust me when I say you will regret it even more because for the rest of your life you might be chained to someone you are settling with... If you where in love you wouldn't be here posting My advice is take some time to see things clearly if you don't want to break up or let her go for good 1
kendahke Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 there is too much messiness on both sides of this for it to amount to any good. Just do everyone a favor and leave her alone. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Your whole post is a man in doubt. From the very start, you have been in a relationship clouded and gravied in insecurity, uncertainty and lack of confidence. Are you two in a good place financially, etc. Forget that! YOU are not at all certain with whom you are living. Get out. By the way, wearing condoms isn't enough to keep you from getting herpes when/if she's active. It's in the body fluids. Do you go down on her? 1
clefairy Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Goodness gracious! You so casually mentioned snooping on her computer, as if that wasn't a big deal. That is a huge deal and an instant deal breaker for me! You should never, EVER feel like you have to snoop on your significant other. It basically means you don't trust her. Why are you with someone you do not trust? Why feel the need to snoop? There are a ton of issues in this relationship, it's a little scary. The fact that she didn't even tell you she had HSV/HPV is a huge red flag. These are two viruses that can be contracted with condoms (although HPV usually goes away, HSV is for life). Run, run away.... 3
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 You don't trust this woman. If your relationship is going to move forward, you have to trust her. Before you can do that you have to come clean with her about your misgivings. She may freak & that will solve your dilemma because she'll break up with you. But while you have these kinds of doubts which is more than cold feet, it would be irresponsible to move forward with a wedding & child. Open this discussion by telling her you love her & you want to move forward but you need to clear the air & you hope she will help you. Do not attack her. Present your issues to her as your problems, not as accusations. 2
winny Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Wow with the amount of snooping you had to do with her.... this relationship is already over. I dunno what are you still there for.
Jj66 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Nothing good going in here. Move along. And for Christ's sake don't have a baby. 2
BlueRidgeMT Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Goodness gracious! You so casually mentioned snooping on her computer, as if that wasn't a big deal. That is a huge deal and an instant deal breaker for me! You should never, EVER feel like you have to snoop on your significant other. It basically means you don't trust her. Why are you with someone you do not trust? Why feel the need to snoop? There are a ton of issues in this relationship, it's a little scary. The fact that she didn't even tell you she had HSV/HPV is a huge red flag. These are two viruses that can be contracted with condoms (although HPV usually goes away, HSV is for life). Run, run away.... I'm probably in the minority here. But, I feel If someone is giving you a GOOD (notice I say GOOD) reason to be suspicious, I say snoop all you want. People are NOT going to be honest with you and tell you the dirt they are doing. Sometimes you have to find that info where you can. Why sit there and be used and cheated on, etc because you are trying to be 'honorable' by not snooping, when your partner is not being 'honorable' to you. Pffft. Nope. It is what it is. However, once you have that info, you need to ask yourself if you can live with whatever that person did. Can you truly put it past you. Only YOU know that in your heart OP. Because you cant keep bringing up the past if you are trying to move forward. You know this woman; we don't. Do you honestly think you can trust her? And can you honestly put her past behind you? 1
spiderowl Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) You don't seem able to trust her and are monitoring her computer activity to keep an eye on her. This is not what people do in a relationship where they trust each other. What is the point staying in this relationship? It has its risks - infections for one. You would get tied down with children - which is fine if your relationship is happy and likely to last but not so good if it all falls apart later on. Personally, I think that someone who has a record of cheating - and more than once - would not be a good bet for a long-term exclusive relationship. Edited January 31, 2017 by spiderowl 2
Author jav100 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) For those of you who say snooping was bad. Yes it is. But some of her behavior was bad. I felt it was a way to see what was really going on or learn more. I sense had I not found out she would have continued behaving that way and when I told her I was not cool with that she agreed to stop and appears she did. I feel split because I do have feelings for her given the amount of time spent together and when we met I was unemployed and that did not seem to deter her and she understanding about my family - I have a close relationship with my mother due to her health condition. As for sex life - we have always used condoms except once. I have never went down on her given she has genital herpes. She does go down on me given she doesn't have oral STDs and I do not have genital Stds. As you can imagine always using condoms is not ideal. Also found out given she had gonarhea likely caused her mess up a Fallopian tube making it harder to get pregnant. Another challenge that might require fertility assistance. And yes huge red flag she did not tell me about STDs upfront, she apologized. She says she got the STDs with the first guy she slept with and got all three at once. Given her behavior who knows? Despite all this, I think I would be willing to take on the the risk of those STDs - they are actually quite common if I knew 100% she would be faithful and she would remain committed. Although if I could go back in time I think I would have left her the day she told me about her friend sleeping over. The real issue I have is her history although she appears to have been faithful after I first brought some of my concerns to light, but my dilemma is I can't know for sure what's she's up to given I have no camera around her 24/7 nor desire to as that's no way to live. Edited January 31, 2017 by jav100
Author jav100 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 Do you think she could be an escort? I sure hope not! She is from Russia and worked in a Moscow casino there during the late 90s/early 2000s in a casino bar that happened to have nude women. She says she worked as a manager of a bar area and never stripped etc. With that said she is attractive, has a very slender body and looks younger her age so anything is possible.
Author jav100 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 I told her how I feel that I am uncertain and she is obviously very upset. I spoke to a STD counselor / expert and they said what she has is very common and that another person would be likely to have at least one of those STDs. But this uncertainty is driving me crazy - I can barely hold food down. And I feel bad because she is sweet/good in many ways (makes me breakfast, splits the rent and food shopping, but I keep thinking about the past / and the risk of those STDs. I think I will have her speak to the STD expert as well and maybe see what the risks or potential is to have children given that is a must for me. I really appreciate the comments so far - given the nature of her having STDs I haven't been able to share this dilemma with anyone.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I told her how I feel that I am uncertain and she is obviously very upset. I spoke to a STD counselor / expert and they said what she has is very common and that another person would be likely to have at least one of those STDs. But this uncertainty is driving me crazy - I can barely hold food down. And I feel bad because she is sweet/good in many ways (makes me breakfast, splits the rent and food shopping, but I keep thinking about the past / and the risk of those STDs. I think I will have her speak to the STD expert as well and maybe see what the risks or potential is to have children given that is a must for me. I really appreciate the comments so far - given the nature of her having STDs I haven't been able to share this dilemma with anyone. Herpes is super common, and the vast majority show no symptoms. 1
kendahke Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 For those of you who say snooping was bad. Yes it is. But . But nothing. Two wrongs don't make a right. It takes a certain level of distrust already in play for one to be driven to this--something that you've chosen to ignore until this elephant has created a marvelous stink in your living room (I don't use the word "marvelous" in the positive here). And if that is the case, why are you with some you can't trust? What about her is so astounding that it drove you to ignore what she was doing until you were driven to check to see if your gut was the one lying to you? If, in your gut, you felt you were dealing with a dishonest person, that was all you needed to walk. Now you are afraid to tell her how you discovered all of this---and if right was so on your side, you'd fear nothing. You'd look her dead in her face and say "Yeah, I did it" and fear none of her reaction.
EveryWomanJ2911 Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 It sounds like there are many different parts to this relationship that your have questions about. Maybe the best thing for you to proceed in doing is to explore each piece by itself, and then proceed with an across the board decision, once you have done your "homework" on the issues at hand. For instance, if children are a deal breaker for you...is your significant other willing to pursue other methods of having children-surrogacy, IVF, adoption, etc. Another issue that is very closely related to the pregnancy/having children discussion is that herpes can be passed to children through the birth canal, but it might be possible to have a C-Section to avoid this. Please check with your health care provider to be sure. When considering marriage, its really best to have pre-marital counseling to explore the many areas with your SO that might have been forgotten about when considering the serious step of marriage. Studies show that pre-marital counseling increases the success of marriages overall, so maybe you could explore that free service as well if you attend a church or have access to some materials from the library or online with a trusted friend/family member/spiritual advisor. My prayers are with you as you go forward evaluating your relationship. Here are some free resources to get you started:Marriage Preparation 101 | Focus on the Family ~Prayers and Blessings Friend!
lurker74 Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 I have a rule I've tried to follow while dating for the last 14 months...Anytime I feel the need to snoop, I seriously consider ending the relationship. That's only happened once but I need to be able to trust the other person. Trust makes me feel comfortable, makes me more romantic, allows me to open up and be available, and makes me better in bed. If there is some "good reason" to start losing trust, the trust is already gone. So the moment I felt the need to check her computer is the moment I would have had the conversation with her. Calmly. As unemotionally as I could. End the relationship. It's messed up on many levels and not just hers. You both have reasons for doing what you've done...it's just that they're not compatible with one another.
Author jav100 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 I think I have more trust in her now because she hasn't exhibited any signs that I can tell of cheating. As for staying with her during the beginning, when the dude stayed over, I actually considered never speaking to her again but I was jobless, depressed and guess who would go for me - and she is/was attractive. If that happened now I would not hesitate to breakup. In fact when she received a call from a male friend a few months later when we were exclusive and she wanted to hang out with him, I did tell her it wasn't going to work out and we should cancel vacation plans. But she cried said she wouldn't do it and from what I can tell hasn't. She swears she hasn't hung out with any of them for five years. I guess I'm upset that she won't own up to the fact that she had a wild past - I guess she doesn't want to be considered loose but I feel insulted when says nothing happened with the dude that stayed over. I told her it wasn't something that someone does when they are dating someone they want to be with seriously. She says that the fact she told me about it proves she didn't do anything because she could have hid it from me. I don't buy that. I told her someone told me about her wild past. I haven't told her I snooped. I do have the email she wrote and can share it so you can all read it. I was shocked. She claims her ex bf hacked into her email and imitated her dating site accounts to talk to women and make her look bad but that's awfully hard to buy. I'll try to post the email. But nothing. Two wrongs don't make a right. It takes a certain level of distrust already in play for one to be driven to this--something that you've chosen to ignore until this elephant has created a marvelous stink in your living room (I don't use the word "marvelous" in the positive here). And if that is the case, why are you with some you can't trust? What about her is so astounding that it drove you to ignore what she was doing until you were driven to check to see if your gut was the one lying to you? If, in your gut, you felt you were dealing with a dishonest person, that was all you needed to walk. Now you are afraid to tell her how you discovered all of this---and if right was so on your side, you'd fear nothing. You'd look her dead in her face and say "Yeah, I did it" and fear none of her reaction.
Author jav100 Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 I agree - snooping is not a good sign if you feel you have to do it. But I've only done it when people give me a reason. I see it as a huge waste of time and waste of brainpower. But snooping has yielded incredible things about people that could be really unknown otherwise. I just feel their are some really dishonest people out there. I have a rule I've tried to follow while dating for the last 14 months...Anytime I feel the need to snoop, I seriously consider ending the relationship. That's only happened once but I need to be able to trust the other person. Trust makes me feel comfortable, makes me more romantic, allows me to open up and be available, and makes me better in bed. If there is some "good reason" to start losing trust, the trust is already gone. So the moment I felt the need to check her computer is the moment I would have had the conversation with her. Calmly. As unemotionally as I could. End the relationship. It's messed up on many levels and not just hers. You both have reasons for doing what you've done...it's just that they're not compatible with one another.
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