surferchic Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Hey everyone. So I've recently started pulling away from a relationship that is not healthy. Hasn't become very deep but I can see already that's it's not for me. I've posted about some of his words and actions in another thread. Since then and during that thread other little things have happened to make me feel really uneasy...like he's just the type who watches from afar/stalks to get the attention of an ex or to have some sort of power...whatever. I've had 2 stalkers before. Both were men I knew,i.e. exes. Does anyone know what motivates a man(or anyone) to stalk rather than just verbalize how he feels in a safe /healthy way OR just accept that the female is leaving him alone?
muse08 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Perhaps... It could also be the abrupt way you leave, if you were abrupt. Do go about your life, but proceed with caution. Men/people like this are what you see. You mentioned seeing red flags and his strange intensity. Sometimes I think men try gaining some sort of control over a certain type of woman (engaging, willing to listen/deal with them no matter how strange the guy may seem). That's just from observation. Plus I've had an ex stalk me. He was insecure though, but pretended to be very confident.
preraph Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Yes, you can attract stalkers. Stalkers stalk because they're predators. There is a wide variety of stalker types from sadistic to inadequate (there's LOTS of inadequate types) and then many of them have low self-esteem that makes them not want to turn loose of someone and get crazy when the person leaves because they are reliant on them to boost up their feeling of self-worth. There are stalkers who are jealous and possessive and paranoid and delusional and dangerous. Stalking is a form of control for many of them. Most women who are killed in the US were first stalked. Gavin de Becker, a Hollywood security guy, wrote a book about it and he says "People who can't say no attract people who won't let go." And that is where the victim comes in. It is very common for someone to continue to attract both abusers and stalkers because they are afraid they are going to hurt someone's feelings by telling them to go away, but with stalkers, the longer they stalk you or are at all involved before you tell them to go away and make them go away, the more invested and dangerous they become. For instance, in your post, you have knowledge that this guy stalked his ex, but you say zero about "So I blocked him from my planet" because I know that means he's potentially dangerous and will be a lot of trouble. One thing that is a huge misconception not only by the female victim but often her friends and family as well is that stalking behavior is not seen for what it is, which is criminal behavior which is high risk for turning dangerous, and instead the victim may be flattered from all this and think the guy is "love sick," and even if she knows better, he may go to her sister or mother and they may be dumb enough to tell him where you are when you're trying to get away because they want to think he's love sick. His obsession is not because of you. It is all something inside him. He will be this way with any woman he becomes interested in. It's not that you are special and made him this way. He is not love sick. He is just sick. Not everyone has even spoken with their stalkers. You could be stalked by the guy who mows the lawn down the street and saw you one time. Or maybe in high school you smiled one time at a guy too inadequate to function socially and then in his mind he builds this up into a relationship and watches you or tries to contact you years later when he hears you're divorced. There are all kinds. The control you have over it is to not ignore red flags. If a guy is contacting you or watching you to the point you are uncomfortable, he has crossed the line. Stalkers have no respect for the feelings of the one they're stalking. They don't care that it makes you uncomfortable -- and this is why you should tell them in no uncertain terms and without excuses as soon as it's apparent they're lingering or stalking that you will never be interested in them and want no further contact. You need not worry about their feelings because they are not worried about your comfort. They don't care they're freaking you out. And they know they shouldn't be doing it, too. As soon as you see any signs, block him out of your life and tell him you want no contact. If he doesn't do it, call police and see if they recommend an order of protection. Stalking behavior: Won’t take no for an answer Not embarrassed by his actions Low self-esteem Doesn’t care that he’s making others miserable Can be charming at times, but can also be mean and controlling Is obsessive in general, becomes obsessively fixated on things and people. Socially awkward Unsuccessful in relationships. Check around. If he has stalked in the past, he will do so again. Extremely jealous and paranoid. May demand that you account for all your time away from him. Gives you a cell phone so that he can monitor everything you do. If someone gives you a cellphone, they can tell see the bill and tell who you’ve talked to and can even check your messages. It is also possible to equip the cellphone with GPS so that he can see everywhere you go. You should never allow anyone other than your parents to give you a cell phone. Tries to control you. May try to keep you from spending time with friends and family. May blame friends and family for keeping you apart. Calls/texts too much Spies on you And perhaps most importantly, he makes you feel uncomfortable. Always listen to your instincts. 1
Author surferchic Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 For instance, in your post, you have knowledge that this guy stalked his ex, but you say zero about "So I blocked him from my planet" because I know that means he's potentially dangerous and will be a lot of trouble. Clarification: I never said I have knowledge of him stalking his ex . I said that "my" ex stalked me. And then another guy... Thanks 1
Author surferchic Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 Thanks again. I agree that setting clear boundaries is necessary for a stalker . I also need to make it clear that in no way am I suggesting that i/anybody "makes" them that way. I'm more concerned with what you mentioned about me being concerned with not a guy's feelings by telling him flat out NO. I do listen and allow them to feel comfortable with sharing their feelings. However, I had to early very fIrm with my ex. He was truly a serious case. I had to yell and cuss at him and had my friends/family tell him to stop contacting me. I get it. Im just not sure how wierd this current guy will get. And I don't want to be an alarmist.
preraph Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Don't be tolerant at all if the new guy is showing any signs. If he does anything on that list, that's not good. It's easy to let these guys slide because part of their manipulation technique is they've learned to appear to back off once a woman starts getting upset about it. They'll try to make you look like the paranoid one. Trust what your gut is telling you because women were victims for thousands of years and over that time, we developed valid instincts to protect us from these type predators, who have always existed. They were lurking around looking for an opportunity to rape women going back to the dawn of time. We developed an instinct that tells us when something isn't right long before it becomes certain and tangible. So when in doubt, don't doubt, just follow what your gut is telling you. 2
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I don't know if you attract them, necessarily. Maybe you just usually pull the plug right around the time when the other person is just getting emotionally hooked, and they can't help themselves, where a few months before or after would have changed their behavior. Maybe you "create" them, rather than attract them. Personally, I think it's just that a lot more people stalk than we would dare believe. 2
Author surferchic Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 Personally, I think it's just that a lot more people stalk than we would dare believe. So true. That bothers me. Feeling like one's privacy is just out the window. Not just in person, but digital as well....phone,etc.
GeorgeWP93 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 If you are just 'withdrawing' or 'distancing' yourself from a relationship before you break up with someone you're going to mess with there head and they will want to reach out to you to understand why you've done it. When you say stalking do you mean they sit outside your house? Just talk to the guy and tell them it's not for you, you're sorry, it's nothing he done, tell him what you don't like about him, wish him all the best and move on. Don't drag it on and act weird with him you don't understand how badly that messes with someone.
spiderowl Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Anyone can attract a stalker. I suppose it is possible that some may be more prone to attracting them because of what they are attracted to themselves. If you like lots of attention and the focus on you, a more dominant man, lots of contact, intensity and your partner to be possessive, then that might mean you are attracted to someone more likely to turn into a stalker. From what I've seen of someone who has stalked a friend for five years, it is all about wanting her attention, knowing where she is and controlling who she sees and what she does. Does a guy step back when you ask him to? Does he relinquish control or have a need to control? Is he always wanting your attention and wanting to know where you are? These things can seem masterly and romantic at first, but can turn into a double-edged sword. 1
Author surferchic Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) If you are just 'withdrawing' or 'distancing' yourself from a relationship before you break up with someone you're going to mess with there head and they will want to reach out to you to understand why you've done it. When you say stalking do you mean they sit outside your house? Just talk to the guy and tell them it's not for you, you're sorry, it's nothing he done, tell him what you don't like about him, wish him all the best and move on. Don't drag it on and act weird with him you don't understand how badly that messes with someone. Thanks. I appreciate your post. I'm not dragging anything out. And he's no innocent guy. Its not apparent that he's sitting outside my house. My concerns come from him always contacting me when I am out with either a group of people or just another guy, asking me what I'm doing and who I'm with...when I've actually been with another guy... ///so he tells me once that if anybody ever wants to get rid of him all they have to do is call the cops because he hates cops. In so many words I felt like he was telling me that if I like him I should deal with some of his b.s. crazy behavior or else he will disappear ...as if that's supposed to be the worst thing in the world. My question...why would he think id ever need to call the cops on him...??? To be clear I'm not cheating. The guy in this thread and I are/were "new". He started acting wierd after he asked wat some of my dealbreakers were and i told him. Also after he kept implying and hinting at wanting to go along with me to certain places. I did NOT oblige because as I said we are new and I've made the mistake of letting men into my personal life too quickly. For a few reasons I refuse to make him feel as if my entire life is open to him. Some of my life is just for me and I think it's best to set those boundaries. He's controlling I know ...and he's made some really wierd requests too soon in our relationship. He knows why I left my ex and so I think he's playing a game to appear at ease about lots of stuff but in actuality he may be freaking out inside hoping that his game will cause me to be at his mercy just to have his attention or nice gestures or other superficial things he's tried to use to impress me. Edited January 31, 2017 by surferchic
muse08 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Again, be aware of your surroundings and his act. It would be ideal for him not to know you were stalked before. Now it sounds like he's putting on anotice act. In case anything happens, e.g. tires get slashed... he's banking on you being like "there's nooo waaay he could've done this... ". Don't fall for it.
Author surferchic Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 I could Block him together but then I wouldn't know when or how often he actually made an attempt to reach out. My M.OF. is to usually just Block a guy and end things cut and dry. Perhaps lettings things fade is the solution if he indeed is as wierd as he seems sometimes.
WaitingForBardot Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 I could Block him together but then I wouldn't know when or how often he actually made an attempt to reach out. My M.OF. is to usually just Block a guy and end things cut and dry. Perhaps lettings things fade is the solution if he indeed is as wierd as he seems sometimes. If this guy really is a stalker, the bolded is the appropriate action. Letting things fade does not usually work. Reminds me of an exchange in Big Bang Theory. Penny rebuffs Howard with a "Never in a Million Years!" response, to which he replies "So you're saying there is a chance!" People only hear what they want to hear.
Author surferchic Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 Reminds me of an exchange in Big Bang Theory. Penny rebuffs Howard with a "Never in a Million Years!" response, to which he replies "So you're saying there is a chance!" People only hear what they want to hear. This is so true.
Author surferchic Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 If this guy really is a stalker, the bolded is the appropriate action. Letting things fade does not usually work. Also, I don't wanna give him a label of stalker. Even though his behavior is wierd, I haven't seen him outside my home yet. He's just made a bunch of crazy, premature demands/requests along with waiting for me outside that restaurant for about an hour to meet me and get my contact info.
Author surferchic Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 Looking at my bolded statement, it actually does sound like stalker-like stuff. And I feel stupid for giving him my #. Or maybe he was just being persist in a good way...?
WaitingForBardot Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Also, I don't wanna give him a label of stalker. Even though his behavior is wierd, I haven't seen him outside my home yet. He's just made a bunch of crazy, premature demands/requests along with waiting for me outside that restaurant for about an hour to meet me and get my contact info. This is very weird, especially so since you were just waiting in line (assuming I read the right thread). He was bold enough to compliment you in person, but then decided it was a better strategy to wait outside for you for a long time instead of simply coming back in to ask you for your number, or out. Not necessarily a get your hackles up warning sign, but extremely odd. Looking at my bolded statement, it actually does sound like stalker-like stuff. And I feel stupid for giving him my #. Or maybe he was just being persist in a good way...? And I'm not sure it matters whether he can be defined as a stalker or not, his behavior is odd. Odd enough that were it me, the next time he contacted me, or I just found him loitering around me, I would tell him in explicit words: "I don't want you to contact me in any way, anymore!" No explanations why, no hemming and hawing, just "I don't want you to contact me in any way, anymore!". The caveat being of course that I have not actually interacted with him and have no way to judge his motivations, intent, etc, other than by what you have written, and of course assuming you actually don't want any contact with him anymore...
Author surferchic Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 This is very weird, especially so since you were just waiting in line (assuming I read the right thread). He was bold enough to compliment you in person, but then decided it was a better strategy to wait outside for you for a long time instead of simply coming back in to ask you for your number, or out. Not necessarily a get your hackles up warning sign, but extremely odd. And I'm not sure it matters whether he can be defined as a stalker or not, his behavior is odd. Odd enough that were it me, the next time he contacted me, or I just found him loitering around me, I would tell him in explicit words: "I don't want you to contact me in any way, anymore!" No explanations why, no hemming and hawing, just "I don't want you to contact me in any way, anymore!". The caveat being of course that I have not actually interacted with him and have no way to judge his motivations, intent, etc, other than by what you have written, and of course assuming you actually don't want any contact with him anymore... I agree. And I'm not going to call him a stalker yet ...just wierd and very cautions in his actions. Meaning I feel like he's too careful and crafty to get caught. So it's like I'll never really know until something really dumb happens. He does a great job of trying to make me feel "comfortable" whenever were together.... I guess only time will tell. 1
WaitingForBardot Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 A final thought, I see preraph above mentioned Gavin de Becker. His book The Gift of Fear is a good read; read it many years ago and then made my wife and kids read it. The main premise is that we are very adept at detecting warning signs below the level of our conscious thought, so if your gut starts telling you something, you should listen... Good luck!
Author surferchic Posted February 1, 2017 Author Posted February 1, 2017 A final thought, I see preraph above mentioned Gavin de Becker. His book The Gift of Fear is a good read; read it many years ago and then made my wife and kids read it. The main premise is that we are very adept at detecting warning signs below the level of our conscious thought, so if your gut starts telling you something, you should listen... Good luck! Thanks I read a small portion of it. I agree that discernment is a gift that most of us have. I just know that I'm not always right especially when jumping to conclusions prematurely. I liked this guy and it's really unfortunate though, that this issue even exists.
thespacey1 Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) I've had something similar happen to me with my last ex. One thing I realized is that I should've followed my gut instinct when he would get jealous over trivial stuff, made Ridiculous demands/requests super early on in our relationship. Once we broke up I realized that he and his friends switched cars a lot especially if they felt they needed to follow a spouse/girlfriend. That was just their mentality. OP, I said all that to say that you/we may never really know if a current/past partner is following us around , stalking us or having someone else to watch us. All we can do is use caution & wisdom NOT FEAR, as we move about our lives. No one should live or operate in FEAR. Edited February 1, 2017 by thespacey1
preraph Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Also, I don't wanna give him a label of stalker. Even though his behavior is wierd, I haven't seen him outside my home yet. He's just made a bunch of crazy, premature demands/requests along with waiting for me outside that restaurant for about an hour to meet me and get my contact info. You don't have to be outside someone's home to be a stalker. You can be showing up wherever they are frequently or waiting like this guy did either at a job or at school or anywhere. My last stalker I met at a brake place and he had to drive me home and he was 30 years younger than me and I was just pleasant to him and that was all it took. I thought I had seen his car on my street once and then soon after, I was in line at McDonald's and turned around and there he was. You are already making excuses for his stalker behavior and that is how to never be able to get rid of one. Tolerance.
Imajerk17 Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Well, I don't think it is whom you "attract", it is whom you decide to get involved with. Key words: Decide to. I mean, there are plenty of instances where someone can seem really nice and then somehow later on something flips this switch. Someone behaving badly is not "your fault" per se. But if almost every ex you have ends up stalking you, it might be your picker. Some women love men who come on fast and strong from the beginning and are just a bit possessive early on. Maybe that is you OP?
Author surferchic Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 You don't have to be outside someone's home to be a stalker. You can be showing up wherever they are frequently or waiting like this guy did either at a job or at school or anywhere. My last stalker I met at a brake place and he had to drive me home and he was 30 years younger than me and I was just pleasant to him and that was all it took. I thought I had seen his car on my street once and then soon after, I was in line at McDonald's and turned around and there he was. You are already making excuses for his stalker behavior and that is how to never be able to get rid of one. Tolerance. I appreciate this post. I've had a stalker before and so I do realize what is considered stalking. My stalker was an ex. So he showed up on my patio in 30 degree weather at nite once i got home frim work, he was standing behind me in the grocery store when i turned around from looking at eggs...he called me repeatedly all day...then i had a wet condom on .your car door handle...then the kicker was him almost chasing me down on the road and runninglights to try and get me to stop, mind you I was just coming from my a girlfriend's house and riding in HER car. All I'm trying to say is that I have gone out a few times with the guy in this thread. Since he waited for me I haven't actually seen him waiting for me anywhere. However I am piecing things together and listening to my gut. He switched his behavior ever since a day when I did not ask him to come with me to a fitness event that I do solo. After that day he has been contacting me regularly saying his misses me ...asking when he can see me again . I told him i wasnt sure. He replied within less than a minute "ok". This is the same guy who tells me if he finds me talking to another man he would slash my tires. So yes I am pulling away from him but I can't call him a stalker until I SEE him following me or waiting for me somewhere....again. I got a protective order for my ex who stalked me. So I have no problem doing that a day I'm not making excuses. I'm just using common sense. I can't get a protective order or call anyone a stalker if they get other people to follow me and I haven't seen him or them with my own eyes.
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