Should have stayed in no contact

[cp30]

Long time lurker here.

 

The basics:

 

9 month relationship, our relationship was good, we rarely fought at all. 10 year age difference (I'm older), which was probably a contributing factor to the breakup. In the early part of our relationship, one or the other of us was traveling/gone, so I know we didn't start out with the most solid foundation.

 

The breakup happened in November, I knew something was off but was in a busy time in my life that was soon coming to an end so I knew I would have more time to devote to the relationship. He cited this as the reason for the breakup (not spending time together), and he said he just stopped trying. Lack of communication/time was our major issue. I wanted to work on things, he didn't, so I sent him on his way. I sent him one text the day after, apologizing for my part in the breakup and asked if there was anything I could do to change his mind. He said at that point, there was not. I immediately went no contact.

 

On day 25 of no contact, I get a bizarre text from him saying that he was sorry for making fun of me when I told him a story of how I'd once injured myself as he had done the same thing that morning. I shouldn't have responded (should have stayed in no contact), but I did, and we had a short conversation.

 

I see him in person at least once a week, but I had managed to avoid having to make conversation other than a quick greeting. The week after the text, I was chatting with a guy friend and the ex made sure to stay in my line of sight all night. Then right before Christmas when he approached me to strike up a conversation. Very light-hearted, felt very much as it had when we first met. Obvious chemistry, lots of smiles, eye contact, etc. He sent me a text Christmas day using my name (maybe to make it clear that it wasn't a mass text?), and we proceeded to have another light conversation which I left on a high note. I sent him two texts after that (one thing that reminded me of him, the other to wish him a happy new year) but he hasn't initiated any texts since. The week after NY, when I saw him, he sat next to a friend I was having a conversation with as though to join the conversation, but I didn't loop him in and instead struck up a conversation with someone sitting on the other side of me. After that, he liked a few things on my FB page, but still no texts.

 

A few weeks ago, we were at a huge party at a bar, and he initiated another conversation in-person and helped me pick out music at the jukebox, so I was feeling pretty good, until a girl showed up and sat very closely next to him. I asked a friend who the girl was and she didn't know, but found out later that it was a coworker. I shut down and left the party a crying mess (I'd had way too much to drink which was another mistake in itself) because I wasn't ready to see him with someone so soon. I've been back in no contact since.

 

I don't know if he was slowly trying to strike up a friendship to see where it would lead, or if friendship is all he ever wanted, and I don't know if I ruined all of it by shutting down and leaving the party visibly upset (although I don't think he saw me cry). It's obvious he still wants me in his life in some capacity. I also don't know that he will ever come out and say he wants me back, I had to make a move when we first got together because he was too chicken.

 

It bothers me that I can't figure out what his intentions are, because although it seems he wants only friendship, our interactions don't always feel that way due to the chemistry that's still there. But he's had weeks to reveal his intentions or make a move, and he hasn't. So that is probably my answer, isn't it? It seems so obvious, but I'd like outside opinions. We have so many mutual friends, so I can't talk to any of them about it.

[diddy]

Would you be okay with it if he just wanted to stay friends?

this whole thing he is doing (conversations) isn't helping you in anyway ,now your just confused & a mess about the whole situation.You can have a serious talk with him & ask him what he wants,or u pull the plug for your own good (ignore him for good) or u let him drag u along & u follow like a dog when he feels like it.(sorry 4 that)

[Been]

Your going to have to go NC. And that means no hanging out. If he happens to go to the same bars your either going to have to go when e isn't there of leave when he comes.

[cp30]

Thanks for the replies.

 

No, I don't think I'm ready to be friends yet. The thought of him with someone else makes me physically ill, and I actually think he is talking to a girl already.

 

Since the day I walked out of the bar, we have not been in communication so it's been a little over a month. When I've seen him, I've just said "Hey" or given a wave (which he very enthusiastically returned). No engaging in conversation. Valentine's Day was the anniversary of our first date, so that was rough on me. He didn't come out that night. Maybe he was with the girl.

 

I know I need to go NC, but I'm having the hardest time with FB. I've unfollowed but can't bring myself to block although I know I need to.

 

I know I deserve more, and he even told one of my best friends while we were dating that I was "too good for him". And it's true. But for some reason I just can't let go. I know he needs to mature if we were to ever try again, and I always used to say I knew he was young, but I really wanted the man I knew he would be some day. Stupid, now that I think about it.

[cp30]

I was doing really well up until this week. He hadn't been coming to weekly gatherings for a while (over a month), and a mutual friend let it slip that he is involved with someone else, so that gave me the push I needed to finally delete him on Facebook. I felt relieved, but also very sad that my last connection to him was gone.

 

A week and a half later, guess who reappears at the gathering. I did not speak to him when he got there (although he was trying to catch my eye), but toward the end of the night, he approached me and initiated a conversation. It was superficial at first, but then he started inquiring about my life and work (which I had been having a lot of problems with while we were together). I caught him up on a few things, but someone else came up to chat and that effectively ended our conversation.

 

Yesterday we were both at an event (the girl he is supposedly seeing was not with him), and again I did not approach him or even acknowledge that he was there. Toward the end of the event, I was talking with some friends when I felt an arm slip around my waist from behind. I looked up, expecting it to be another friend I was at the event with, but found myself looking up at my ex. We have had zero physical contact since our breakup, so it was shocking to me that he would put his arm around me in that intimate manner. We chatted for a bit, he noticed that my hair was different and told me that he liked it, and then he made some jokes with the friends I'd been talking to (glancing at me, I guess for approval? I don't know) and then went on his way. I acted unaffected by it for the rest of the night, but when I got home, I was in tears again.

 

I don't even know why I'm writing this...I just wish it would stop affecting me this way. Why does he insist on approaching me when I've not given any indication that I want him to?

[d0nnivain]

Healing is not linear. Good for you for deleting him off FB & for being civil when you see him.

 

 

My best guess is he's approaching because he's a decent person. At some point he cared about you & now would prefer that you were not in pain. It's nothing more. Good news: You date good guys. Bad news: he's going to keep approaching.

 

 

You can gently ask him to ignore you because it hurts too much. Confessing that is NOT weakness. You aren't swooning. You aren't giving him power. You are simply not picking a scab. If my guess is correct that he is a decent person, he will respect your need for space because he's not looking to continue hurting you.

[cp30]

My best guess is he's approaching because he's a decent person. At some point he cared about you & now would prefer that you were not in pain. It's nothing more. Good news: You date good guys. Bad news: he's going to keep approaching.

 

My head knows this is 100% right, but my heart needs to catch up, poor fool.

 

I don't give my heart away very easily, and I think that is what I'm struggling with most of all. And it takes a long time for me to completely take it back from someone I've given it to, even if they shattered it. A small part of me was hoping that the arm around my waist and the compliment were tiny indications that maybe somewhere inside he is beginning to see what he gave up. And I need to squash that.

 

I am hopeful that I will find someone worth risking my heart again. I am a freaking catch, and I need to remember that!