Athena21 Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Many of you may already know my story, so for those of you who don't, here's a brief description. My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. Six months into our relationship, I had to go away for basic training for the ARMY Reserves. I was away for six months. During the last month of my training, I went out to clubs a lot and drank and had fun. I also put myself in a lot of bad situations like splitting a hotel room with two beds with another guy I knew from training because I couldn't afford one by myself (we slept in separate beds and I changed in the bathroom, nothing happened). I was surrounded by guys all the time and had very few girl friends due to the fact that I was put in a leadership position throughout training and many of them didn't like me. I was kind of forced to be friends with guys if I wanted any friends at all. During this time, I didn't want my boyfriend to worry about me so I told him I wasn't drinking when I went out and that I didn't dance when I went to clubs and didn't tell him about staying in the hotel. One night, while I was dancing a guy I knew from training danced with me and tried to kiss me, I refused but then he tried it again and even though it is no excuse, I was drunk and I just let it happen. I love my boyfriend very much and never wanted to do this to him. I wasn't the slightest bit attracted to this guy, I just let my guard down. My behavior resulted in my being raped one week before I was supposed to go home. Again, I kept it from my boyfriend and everyone else I knew (the rapist used a condom, and I was tested right after and have been tested three times since). I didn't go out at all after that happened. It completely changed my life. I didn't go out and party and if I drank, it was only one or two. When I got home, my boyfriend sensed something was different about me and asked me if anything happened over there. I denied it until I was blue in the face. I knew that I would never act that way again. Six months after I got home I finally broke down and told him part of the truth. I told him that someone "tried" to rape me. I knew that if he knew the whole truth that he would never look at me the same. He consoled me but still had a feeling that there was more. It has been two years since the incident now and he has been asking and asking me what really happened. I lie to him every time but I get caught up and mix things up leading him to believe there is more since my lies aren't consistant. Two weeks ago, he told me if I don't tell him the truth that he won't be with me anymore. So I told him eveything. He was very upset, but since then we have been inseparable. He is still having a hard time taking all of it in. His focus is on that fact that I lied to him for so long. He is very supportive about me being raped though, and has agreed to attend a counseling session with me totry to help me through it. Of course he can't trust me for a while, I understand that. How can I help him understand that it was a phase? I have come to terms with being raped. I have decided what type of person I want to be now. I don't get drunk or dance with other guys anymore when I go out (I just recently became able to go out dancing again). I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I need some advice so I can help hime understand my standpoint on this.
SoftDrink Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 well as for the cheating thing, yeah, that sucks...for both of you. but as for the rape, he needs to understand that this happened to you, and how you dealt with it was the way you felt you could deal. you took two years...some people never admit it, and that's how they deal---- healthy or not. i am glad you are back at a point that you can enjoy life a little more now. as for him, he's going to need time to come to terms with it, too, just like you did. i say, give him that time and don't pressure him. this kind of situation affects all people involved, and sometimes it's hard to sort out. he's probably wondering if you're telling the truth because you did cheat on him; he's probably angry because you've been violated, and he's probably confused because, wow, bad things really CAN happen to people you care about. i wish you an even faster recovery, and that even if you never forget this incident, that your life gets back on track no matter what you have to do in order to make that happen. good luck.
Author Athena21 Posted July 21, 2005 Author Posted July 21, 2005 Thank you, that's good advice. I am just afraid that he will never come to terms with any of it. He said that I am a different person than he thought I was. This is just going to be hard. We are technically broken up right now, because he is taking it as that's what I want now, to go out and party and date other people. When all I really want is him. He said that he doesn't even care if I do any of that now because I can't hurt him any more.
JS17 Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 any guy that would be anything less than supportive of the woman that they love after being raped, in my opinion, is the lowest lifeform on the planet so i can't imagine why you wouldn't have told him but i've never been in the situation so I can't really comment on that. It's a huge issue for you to deal with and I'm sure it is for him too. I can see how lying would be a problem for him but i think if you give him time he'll come around. I hope you explained to him that you've never lied about anything else and that this was a special circumstance, how could someone not respond well to that? What happened to you was a big deal and it was unfair.....it never should have happened and is obviously not your fault. I think it would be helpful to you to seek professional help in this situation if you haven't already. We're here on LS for advice and support but we're not professionals. We wish you the best and feel free to come back any time you need support.....we're here for you!
Author Athena21 Posted July 21, 2005 Author Posted July 21, 2005 I know that this is going to sound crazy but how much time do you think is fair?
JS17 Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 it's not crazy but you can't put a limit on it. i feel like i'm not getting the whole picture here. in what context did he say that "you can't hurt him anymore"?
Author Athena21 Posted July 21, 2005 Author Posted July 21, 2005 He said that I have f#$*ed him over royally by all this. He said that he loves me so much and I broke his heart. He feels that I have hurt him so badly that I couldn't possibly do any more damage because he is numb.
JS17 Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 what hurt him, the cheating or the lying? the story seems to be changing and it doesn't really look that good.
Author Athena21 Posted July 21, 2005 Author Posted July 21, 2005 what hurt him, the cheating or the lying? Both hurt him, the lying more so. the story seems to be changing and it doesn't really look that good. what do you mean?
JS17 Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 i'm just not sure this story is still making sense to me. maybe somebody else can chime in. all i can say is that you can't deny him his feelings and there are no guarantees.
Author Athena21 Posted July 21, 2005 Author Posted July 21, 2005 Could you clarify what about the story doesn't make sense?
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