linzmoon Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 I met this wonderful guy around the beginning of December, he had been broken up with his ex for about 3 months and they had dated for about 3 years. When I met him I knew some of her belongings were still at his house (packed up), yet she had not picked them up until the end of December. I understood and appreciated he was open with me. I go to his house often and it's gotten to the point I leave some things behind such as toothbrush/clothes, what I can't wrap my head around is that they still remain friends on Facebook and I think they still talk occasionally. I feel childish that it bugs me and I tell myself that I'm the one he spends time with and the one he takes out on dates and cuddles with (anything to comfort me). After two weeks of dating (end of December) I subtly told him that I was worried she was trying to get back with him, he said that although she had tried he was over her. He comes off as the nice guy that doesn't want To hurt anyone's feelings so I wonder if this is the only reason he stays "friends" with her or because they dated for a long while. Am I being unreasonable? I've never been able to remain friends with exes because it gets too messy. We ended up having the " what are we doing talk" yesterday and luckily we are on the same page Any advice on how to deal with their Facebook friendship and not feel jealous/upset? Please advice.
dumbass2 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 (edited) IMO and experience, ex's cannot "just" be friends that soon after a break up, if ever. They had 3 years together and only recently broke up. Feelings just don't magically go away. I don't think he gave enough time before dating you to get close to being over the ex. He sounds like a "nice guy" and nice guys tend to have very weak boundaries. As you say, he seems like the type that doesn't want to make any one mad. You've only dated since Dec but I'll assume you are exclusive? As long as you have made it clear to him that contact with her makes you uncomfortable, then all you can do right now is let it play out a little longer and see what happens. If you are exclusive and have talked about moving forward and only dating each other, then I don't feel it is out of the question to ask him to finalize any outstanding issues with her now and to break off all contact (unless kids or financial matters are involved). You're in a tough spot and I've been there. My last girlfriend told me they had been together 3 years but broke off a year before we met. Come to find out it had only been a few months and he kept in contact with her and it was a huge problem. Her and I aren't together any more and she did not end up going back to the ex, but he sure tried and it drove a wedge between me and her because she had weak boundaries. Edited January 29, 2017 by dumbass2
preraph Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Are you two in an exclusive relationship that you agreed on? If so, maybe it's time to have a discussion about whether social media counts. I say it does. But I also stayed distant friends with some of my exes and not because I wanted them all back. On one hand, if two people are reasonable and mature enough to not go down in a blaze when they break up, that is a good thing. It would sure come in handy if, say, you two married and had kids and then broke up. You'd know he'd be civil sharing the kids. To me it all hinges on if one or the other of the broken up couple is trying to reunite. If so and you're exclusive, then I don't think it's right to keep them hanging on like that.
Author linzmoon Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 IMO and experience, ex's cannot "just" be friends that soon after a break up, if ever. They had 3 years together and only recently broke up. Feelings just don't magically go away. I don't think he gave enough time before dating you to get close to being over the ex. He sounds like a "nice guy" and nice guys tend to have very weak boundaries. As you say, he seems like the type that doesn't want to make any one mad. You've only dated since Dec but I'll assume you are exclusive? As long as you have made it clear to him that contact with her makes you uncomfortable, then all you can do right now is let it play out a little longer and see what happens. If you are exclusive and have talked about moving forward and only dating each other, then I don't feel it is out of the question to ask him to finalize any outstanding issues with her now and to break off all contact (unless kids or financial matters are involved). You're in a tough spot and I've been there. My last girlfriend told me they had been together 3 years but broke off a year before we met. Come to find out it had only been a few months and he kept in contact with her and it was a huge problem. Her and I aren't together any more and she did not end up going back to the ex, but he sure tried and it drove a wedge between me and her because she had weak boundaries. Yeah staying friends with exes has never workout IMO either, that's why I wasn't sure if I was over reacting. I know we're not dating anyone else on the side, so that's a good thing for sure. I know they broke up and she stayed sleeping in the guest room for a little while until she found her own place and when I asked him about that he said they didnt interact anymore.My thought process is that I don't want to ask much about her or confront the situation just yet because I worry I'll scare him off If i come off as jealous or possessive.
Author linzmoon Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Are you two in an exclusive relationship that you agreed on? If so, maybe it's time to have a discussion about whether social media counts. I say it does. But I also stayed distant friends with some of my exes and not because I wanted them all back. On one hand, if two people are reasonable and mature enough to not go down in a blaze when they break up, that is a good thing. It would sure come in handy if, say, you two married and had kids and then broke up. You'd know he'd be civil sharing the kids. To me it all hinges on if one or the other of the broken up couple is trying to reunite. If so and you're exclusive, then I don't think it's right to keep them hanging on like that. That's where I get confused as well, i know we're not seeing/dating anyone else on the side, we make future plans and spend weekends together yet I'm not sure how he'll feel if I call him my boyfriend. I don't want to ask about his ex in fear of coming off as some jealous lunatic. I've never have had an amicable breakup either so I don't know how being friends with an ex works.
SilentiousBird Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 It sounds like you need to figure out what your relationship status is before anything. I wouldn't want someone to tell me who I can or can't be friends with on social media if we haven't established an exclusive relationship yet. However, once that relationship is exclusive, I think it's fair to tell him you're not comfortable with him still being friends with his ex. I'm only friends with my exes on FB after being broken up for a while and I'll delete them if my SO is uncomfortable with it. I also understand if an ex deletes me off FB after they start dating someone new.
preraph Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 That's where I get confused as well, i know we're not seeing/dating anyone else on the side, we make future plans and spend weekends together yet I'm not sure how he'll feel if I call him my boyfriend. I don't want to ask about his ex in fear of coming off as some jealous lunatic. I've never have had an amicable breakup either so I don't know how being friends with an ex works. So what that means is that it's too soon to bring it up. First you have to see if he's going to ask for exclusivity -- or if it goes on too long without a plan, you probably would bring it up to keep from wasting time. But right now, you haven't known him long enough to demand exclusivity, so you probably should just chill for a couple of months and see how the relationship has progressed or what roadblocks have presented themselves and then reassess the situation.
Jj66 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Let it go if there is no inappropriate behavior. I'm Facebook friends with 5 ex lovers. They were all significant people in my life at one time since I don't ever "friend" someone I am dating until they have met my family. There are only two significant relationships that are not Facebook friends. One predates Facebook and the other is an ex wife who has BPD and who blocked me after I told her not to write lovey stuff on my wall because we were divorced. These women I am connected with are pre-existing conditions in my current relationships. Anyone who asks me to unfriend them better have a more compelling reason than insecurity. I don't ever message any of them privately or engage in flirty banter or do anything that would give any reasonable person a cause for concern. At most I congratulate them when their kids do something great or give condolences when someone close to them dies. In fact, I think an SO should be encouraged that all these women wanted to maintain a connection after we broke up. It means I probably was not an ass to them even during the breakup. It bodes well for how I am likely to treat her.
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