Athena21 Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Many of you may already know my story, so for those of you who don't, here's a brief description. My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. Six months into our relationship, I had to go away for basic training for the ARMY Reserves. I was away for six months. During the last month of my training, I went out to clubs a lot and drank and had fun. I also put myself in a lot of bad situations like splitting a hotel room with two beds with another guy I knew from training because I couldn't afford one by myself (we slept in separate beds and I changed in the bathroom, nothing happened). I was surrounded by guys all the time and had very few girl friends due to the fact that I was put in a leadership position throughout training and many of them didn't like me. I was kind of forced to be friends with guys if I wanted any friends at all. During this time, I didn't want my boyfriend to worry about me so I told him I wasn't drinking when I went out and that I didn't dance when I went to clubs and didn't tell him about staying in the hotel. One night, while I was dancing a guy I knew from training danced with me and tried to kiss me, I refused but then he tried it again and even though it is no excuse, I was drunk and I just let it happen. I love my boyfriend very much and never wanted to do this to him. I wasn't the slightest bit attracted to this guy, I just let my guard down. My behavior resulted in my being raped one week before I was supposed to go home. Again, I kept it from my boyfriend and everyone else I knew (the rapist used a condom, and I was tested right after and have been tested three times since). I didn't go out at all after that happened. It completely changed my life. I didn't go out and party and if I drank, it was only one or two. When I got home, my boyfriend sensed something was different about me and asked me if anything happened over there. I denied it until I was blue in the face. I knew that I would never act that way again. Six months after I got home I finally broke down and told him part of the truth. I told him that someone "tried" to rape me. I knew that if he knew the whole truth that he would never look at me the same. He consoled me but still had a feeling that there was more. It has been two years since the incident now and he has been asking and asking me what really happened. I lie to him every time but I get caught up and mix things up leading him to believe there is more since my lies aren't consistant. Two weeks ago, he told me if I don't tell him the truth that he won't be with me anymore. So I told him eveything. He was very upset, but since then we have been inseparable. He is still having a hard time taking all of it in. His focus is on that fact that I lied to him for so long. He is very supportive about me being raped though, and has agreed to attend a counseling session with me totry to help me through it. Of course he can't trust me for a while, I understand that. How can I help him understand that it was a phase? I have come to terms with being raped. I have decided what type of person I want to be now. I don't get drunk or dance with other guys anymore when I go out (I just recently became able to go out dancing again). I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I need some advice so I can help hime understand my standpoint on this.
shamen Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 Hi Athena, I was date raped when I was 16. I'm 36 now and am only now dealing with it in therapy for the first time. I saw one of my best friends from HS last week and she didn't even know. I never told her... I thought, my god, how could I not have told her that this happened to me? It was huge. It's hard to talk about this stuff. I hid it from my family... to this day, my parents don't know. Most of my friends at this point do now know. I don't think that you should tell your bf that it was just a phase... Yes, the drinking was a phase. But the keeping it hidden part was not a phase, it was a choice that you made because you hadn't really dealt yet with the rape. You were in a way hiding it from yourself. You didn't want to deal with the emotional part of what had happened to you in a real way and now you are ready. You've got to deal with the counseling now too. This is when you can get over what happened. Now. I think that this is something that will probably come out in therapy. I hope that things work out with the two of you. I'm glad that he's being more supportive now. It will take time and talking to work through this part of your life. But you will heal. And he will too.
Author Athena21 Posted July 22, 2005 Author Posted July 22, 2005 I appreciate your thoughts and it is very comforting to know that I am not the only one who has kept something like this from the people I love. I felt very badly when I told my parents for the first time because they have an image of me that I thought would be shattered, the same goes for when I told my boyfriend. That is why I was so scared. Not because I felt at fault because I know that no one deserves to be treated like that. You are absolutely right about hiding it from myself because I thought that I had just come to terms with what happened, when in reality, I just got very good at pretending that it never happened. I went to the counselor again yesterday and came to a new discovery that I lie without even thinking about it and even when I have no reason to and eventually when it comes to lies like these, I end up convincing myself either they are real or never happened. I have addressed this issue and am making an extreme effort to fix it. I have told my boyfriend that I have lied to him about meaningless things in the past like if I am with my girlfriends and one of them has some guys over. I will purposely keep it from him because I think that he will get upset even though I am not flirting with them or doing anything wrong. When in reality he just wants to know because he wants to ensure my safety. My safety has always been at the top of his list that is why he got so upset about me going out and partying, because I was putting myself in danger. We talked a lot last night and he told me that things will eventually work out between us if I can learn that I don't have to lie to him to keep him happy with me. It sounds so simple; just don't lie. Now, I feel like I have to tell him things like when I get hit on or if I run into an old male friend. I didn't know that by keeping things like that from him could be considered lying. Well, thank you again for your input. I feel much better now.
shamen Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 I'm glad that my post helped some. You are going to learn so much about yourself in therapy. You will be amazed. I've learned so much about myself. Some patterns that you've created due to the rape. I've included a link for my Self Discoveries thread about my rape, so you can see what I've discovered about myself. Very different from yours, mind you. But there are lots of women who go through the same thing, discovering things about themselves once they start therapy re: the rape. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t60354 You will heal, girl. It's a slow process though.
Author Athena21 Posted July 22, 2005 Author Posted July 22, 2005 I have read your list of things you discovered through therapy and oddly enough, I don't have any of those thoughts or inhibitions. 1. I don't have problems trusting men, but I do put my trust into people too quickly which is why I did most of the things I did while I was there. 2. I have neither positive nor negative emotions towards men, it depends on the type of person. 3. I feel comfortable talking about my emotions with either male or female, again, it depends on the person. 4. Even though I picked a wonderful man before it happened to me, I have no desire to be with anyone who is not above and beyond my standards. 5. I still enjoy looking attractive and dressing up for certain events, but now when I go to clubs I dress a lot more conservatively. 6. I am neither super hot nor super cold when it comes to sex. I have only had sex with my boyfriend I lost my virginity to him and want him to be the only man I am with for the rest of my life. I am not a prude in the bedroom, we try a lot of different things and keep it very exciting. 7. I have yet to become bored with my boyfriend or our relationship. I still feel the same way about him as the day I fell inlove with him but much stronger now. 8. I am not afraid of a committment with him, I am positive that if he asked me to marry him I would say "yes". 9. I have every intention of getting married and creating a family lifestyle for myself. While I do have other goals including my career and schooling, this is something I know I will do in the future. 10. The men that I trust most in my life are my dad, boyfriend, and uncle. These aren't meant to say that either of us is right, I am just wondering why I am not acting as if I have been raped. Do I still not believe it? Or is it good that I am not having these reactions?
shamen Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 Hi Athena, It's awesome that you're not having any of the same reactions! As I mentioned in my previous post, everyone is going to realize their own things about themselves through the counseling, to see if you've given yourself any defense mechanisms, or whatever, due to your rape. Mine happened 20 years ago and so I've had a lot of time to make all sorts of little walls around me. Kept myself safe. I know that I should've dealt with this years ago and it certainly has affected my love life... Anyway, back to you. You were lucky enough to have a bf in your life at the time who really cared about you and who still does care about you. It's great! It's probably helped you stay on the right track in terms of dealing with men. But there are other things there, like the little lies about other men (boys, whatever) being in certain situations. I don't do that, for example. You're just having different reactions. You may discover other things about yourself that you didn't realize too that are different from my reactions. We are not all going to react the same way to a trauma like rape. There are just certain things that a lot of women go through. Just because you aren't going throught the same things that I am doesn't mean that the way that you are processing what happened to you in a wrong way. There's no right way to react or to heal from this. You do what you need to do. Keep going to counseling. Go with your bf. Work through it with him. Know that you are very lucky to have someone who loves you there for you when you need them. (I didn't have a lot of that from my family growing up. Now I do, but it took a long time.) And love your family!
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