Dad passed away last week. Next steps?

[msportsfan25]

I've posted a few times on this forum about my ex who I work in the same office with (different departments and don't work directly together day-to-day) and have gone NC outside of saying hello at work. Back in October she broke up with me a week after I found out my dad had cancer.

 

Here is the only time I made contact with her outside of work (the breadcrumb section of the thread is the part you should read. the second post.) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/608851-after-four-months-still-feeling-unsure-my-progress#post7186253

 

Fast forward to the present and my dad passed away last week. Obviously I am devastated and trying to start the moving on/healing process.

 

2 weeks ago I was at the hospital all week and somehow my ex found out (we do have a few mutual office friends) and reached out.

 

She wrote "I don't want to overstep and you don't have to respond. Just want you to know I am here, thinking of you, if you need anything."

 

I responded "You're not overstepping at all. I appreciate the message and thoughts. Hope you're doing well.

 

She responded "Thanks (name). I'm so sorry about everythign you are going through. I'm here for you and sending love and healthy thoughts. Let me know what you need - even if its just someone to hang with a comedy movie or something."

 

I didn't respond to that due to being at the hospital and not really sure what to say.

 

Then a few days later word got out my dad passed and she simply wrote "I'm so sorry <3"

 

Then she showed up at the wake last week and was crying (she never met my dad). She said she had been thinking about me alot recently and very sorry for my loss. I tried to calm her down a bit and told her I was doing alright and I'll be okay. And tried to lighten things up by telling her to look at the collages that have pics of me as a baby/kid for a laugh.

 

Then the day after the funeral I sent her a message just thanking her for showing up to the wake and that I'm sure it wasn't an easy thing for her to do.

 

She responded "No need to thank me, There's no way I'd miss it. Like I've said before, and truly mean it, I'm always here for you. When you come back and if you're ready we should catch up. (She then responded to a joke I made in my message won't put it here). Looking forward to seeing you again soon, on happier occasions."

 

I did respond saying we should catch up at some point once I am back, which probably was a mistake. But when we originally split up she mentioned about talking soon and I always said "yeah at some point down the road."

 

My question is, should I catch up with her once I am ready and back at work? I am thinking I should just let her make the effort to actually go through with this catch up. Part of me still misses her and I don't want to be "friends" or friendzoned by her.

 

Obviously I am at a vulnerable position right now so I figured I would write here to see how I should move forward with this. I don't think she is trying to play with my emotions but again I could be wrong and am too involved in this to see it.

 

Thank you in advance for any feedback/advice.

[msportsfan25]

Hi everyone,

 

Back in late September I found out my Dad had Melanoma in his stomach and liver and that we was beginning treatment.

 

Last week he had a complication and was rushed to the hospital. 5 days later he passed away due to the cancer.

 

The week he was at the hospital I spent as much time as I could. Took work off and even stayed overnight a few times.

 

I was amazed at the amount of visitors we had from not just family but his friends and co-workers. It was amazing to see and even the nurses commented how this is not the norm. It helped both myself and my mother as we stood by him knowing he was going to die.

 

This week we had the wake and funeral and I handled myself well. I've been staying strong for my mom and spent the whole week at their house so she wouldn't be alone.

 

Yesterday was my first night on my own. And this morning I started to finally feel the realization that he was truly gone.

 

I guess my question is, what should be the next steps in terms of the healing process?

 

Should I go back to work right away? Should I take some time for myself? My boss did say take as much time as I need and they have been great about all of this.

 

Any advice on what I should do to help keep my mind less occupied on this loss?

[SevenCity]

It's hard to say with certainty, but everything she has said comes across as someone who wants back in.

 

What do you want? Do you want her back?

[msportsfan25]

It's hard to say with certainty, but everything she has said comes across as someone who wants back in.

 

What do you want? Do you want her back?

 

While part of me does, there are some things I would need to know before trying again. When she broke things off she said she wanted space/had confused feelings about me. She also wanted to be "friends" but I went NC outside of work since things ended in October.

 

So essentially I didn't get a real reason as to why she ended things. Part of that still bothers me and makes me wary of the possibility of getting back with her because she could just do this again.

 

I also don't want to give myself false hope and think this is what she is trying to do and instead just trying to feed into her "let's be friends" request.

[SevenCity]

While part of me does, there are some things I would need to know before trying again. When she broke things off she said she wanted space/had confused feelings about me. She also wanted to be "friends" but I went NC outside of work since things ended in October.

 

So essentially I didn't get a real reason as to why she ended things. Part of that still bothers me and makes me wary of the possibility of getting back with her because she could just do this again.

 

I also don't want to give myself false hope and think this is what she is trying to do and instead just trying to feed into her "let's be friends" request.

 

Ok that different. In your case I would be clear with her by stating your interest in her is romantic and you are not interested in being friends.

 

Not saying you want to get back together with her or any heavy RL talk, just that you will not be friends with her as it is not what you want.

 

Invite her over to your place to hang out.

 

The other part of this is it sickens me that she would reach out to you if her intention is only to be friends. You are at a vulnerable time in your life and she needs to respect that.

 

If this turns out she was using the passing of your father to forward her friend agenda I would never speak to her as long as I lived. That me though.

[msportsfan25]

Ok that different. In your case I would be clear with her by stating your interest in her is romantic and you are not interested in being friends.

 

Not saying you want to get back together with her or any heavy RL talk, just that you will not be friends with her as it is not what you want.

 

Invite her over to your place to hang out.

 

The other part of this is it sickens me that she would reach out to you if her intention is only to be friends. You are at a vulnerable time in your life and she needs to respect that.

 

If this turns out she was using the passing of your father to forward her friend agenda I would never speak to her as long as I lived. That me though.

 

Like I said, I am a little wary she could be trying to play the role of a "friend" out of guilt or possibly image control.

 

I could be wrong and usually tend to find the good in people but her actions in the past have led me to at least pay attention to how she handles this.

 

If she is indeed being genuine, I should probably let her make the effort of meeting up since she is the one that initiated it.

 

Things would be a lot easier not having to see her everyday at work.

[SevenCity]

Like I said, I am a little wary she could be trying to play the role of a "friend" out of guilt or possibly image control.

 

I could be wrong and usually tend to find the good in people but her actions in the past have led me to at least pay attention to how she handles this.

 

If she is indeed being genuine, I should probably let her make the effort of meeting up since she is the one that initiated it.

 

Things would be a lot easier not having to see her everyday at work.

 

Ain't that the truth. I dated a girl for a year at work and it took me 2 years to fully get over her. It's like you live your worst nightmare Monday - Friday again and again.

 

To your other points, she may not even realize she is doing it. In her mind I'm sure she feels guilty for dumping you and thinks this is the kindest approach. In reality, the best thing she can do is leave you alone if friends is what she is after.

 

I would not expect to have her set something up as her notes are filled with caution. If you are clear in your intentions to her and she agrees you can proceed with setting up a date.

 

But I will caution you. You have suffered two severe traumas in a short period of time. I would not trust yourself to make the right decisions. And I would worry about rekindling with her.

[msportsfan25]

Ain't that the truth. I dated a girl for a year at work and it took me 2 years to fully get over her. It's like you live your worst nightmare Monday - Friday again and again.

 

To your other points, she may not even realize she is doing it. In her mind I'm sure she feels guilty for dumping you and thinks this is the kindest approach. In reality, the best thing she can do is leave you alone if friends is what she is after.

 

I would not expect to have her set something up as her notes are filled with caution. If you are clear in your intentions to her and she agrees you can proceed with setting up a date.

 

But I will caution you. You have suffered two severe traumas in a short period of time. I would not trust yourself to make the right decisions. And I would worry about rekindling with her.

 

So if you were in this situation, how would you go about setting something up and being clear with my intentions without having the serious discussion you brought up earlier?

 

And I agree, I am being cautious about this right now since I am in a vulnerable spot with what has been going on.

[SevenCity]

So if you were in this situation, how would you go about setting something up and being clear with my intentions without having the serious discussion you brought up earlier?

 

And I agree, I am being cautious about this right now since I am in a vulnerable spot with what has been going on.

 

I think inviting her coming over to your place (to cook dinner, have wine, etc) is a pretty clear signal you are not looking for friendship. If it were me, I wouldn't state my demands unless she brought up the friendship thing.

 

For example, if she states "I only want to be friends" I would be perfectly clear stating that I am only interested in something romantic and to get in touch with you if she is interested in the same, otherwise, please don't contact you. Not getting back together, but not platonic.

 

If she balks at coming over to your place and tries to get you out then I wouldn't bite and say you just feel like chilling with all that's going on.

 

If she does come over, be cool but make your move and end up in the bedroom. Let her do the chasing. She dumped you and needs to earn you back. You can guide her though.

 

Google "7 principles to get an ex back" by Corey Wayne and watch the vid on YouTube. That's what I would do.

 

Craig Kenneth who I recently started following agrees with the approach and goes on to state that having sex will stimulate bonding chemicals in her brain.

 

If all goes well, don't make the mistake I made by trying to force a reconciliation. Let her bring up the RL talk and let her do all the calling, texting, and pursuing.

 

In your situation it's gonna be tough to be Joe cool as your emotions may come flooding out. Only do what you can handle. Sex with her or even rejection can affect you 10 fold worse at this point.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

[umirano]

Do not buy into this Corey Wayne crap. I do not see any signs that she wants you back. She's just being friendly. I'd steer clear.

[SevenCity]

Do not buy into this Corey Wayne crap. I do not see any signs that she wants you back. She's just being friendly. I'd steer clear.

 

Everything I learned from him has been 100% true.

[Ronni_W]

msportsfan25,

 

I am sorry for your loss, and wishing your Dad a safe and peaceful spiritual transition.

I do not see any signs that she wants you back. She's just being friendly.

From a woman's perspective: I agree with umirano, on this. I do see caring and compassion in your ex's communications - but this is surely to be expected given what you were/are going through. I would not read any more into it.

 

In Light and Love.

Ronni

[SevenCity]

msportsfan25,

 

I am sorry for your loss, and wishing your Dad a safe and peaceful spiritual transition.

 

From a woman's perspective: I agree with umirano, on this. I do see caring and compassion in your ex's communications - but this is surely to be expected given what you were/are going through. I would not read any more into it.

 

In Light and Love.

Ronni

 

It was the hanging out under better circumstances/ happier times that makes me feel she is showing interest.

 

If she mentioned only to get him through this hard time I would feel differently.

[Ronni_W]

It was the hanging out under better circumstances/ happier times that makes me feel she is showing interest.

 

If she mentioned only to get him through this hard time I would feel differently.

The thing is, though, that this offer to hang out was given now - more like a reaction to a difficult time than a genuine desire to hang out. It's only polite to say, under these circumstances, "...when you're up to it or feeling better/happier/less grief-stricken."

[SevenCity]

The thing is, though, that this offer to hang out was given now - more like a reaction to a difficult time than a genuine desire to hang out. It's only polite to say, under these circumstances, "...when you're up to it or feeling better/happier/less grief-stricken."

 

You could be right. Only one way to find out.

[msportsfan25]

msportsfan25,

 

I am sorry for your loss, and wishing your Dad a safe and peaceful spiritual transition.

 

From a woman's perspective: I agree with umirano, on this. I do see caring and compassion in your ex's communications - but this is surely to be expected given what you were/are going through. I would not read any more into it.

 

In Light and Love.

Ronni

 

Thank you Ronni for your feedback.

 

What I don't understand is since the break up I have made it clear I don't want to be friends. I haven't reached out to her, have gone on dates with other girls, taken up hobbies, etc.

 

Yet now this comes up and she suddenly she is "here for me"? I made my intentions pretty clear since the break up that being a friend isn't in the cards.

 

So why try and rectify this even if it is due to me losing my father. She saw at the wake I had a large group of friends that showed up to support me. It isn't like no one showed up and she thought I had no one to lean on.

 

But in the end, I can't think about this now. Yet again I am putting my emotions/thoughts into her rather than my dad like I did during the initial break up.

[SevenCity]

Thank you Ronni for your feedback.

 

What I don't understand is since the break up I have made it clear I don't want to be friends. I haven't reached out to her, have gone on dates with other girls, taken up hobbies, etc.

 

Yet now this comes up and she suddenly she is "here for me"? I made my intentions pretty clear since the break up that being a friend isn't in the cards.

 

So why try and rectify this even if it is due to me losing my father. She saw at the wake I had a large group of friends that showed up to support me. It isn't like no one showed up and she thought I had no one to lean on.

 

But in the end, I can't think about this now. Yet again I am putting my emotions/thoughts into her rather than my dad like I did during the initial break up.

 

You are using logic and reason when trying to understand women. It wont work.

 

Women are emotional beings and difficult for us guys to understand.

 

Although you may have been more than clear women can be relentless in testing your resolve and getting what they want.

 

Her desire to be friends would make the breakup easier on her. She can ween herself off of you until she doesn't need you anymore. She can't help it.

 

But you'll never know unless you try. Understandable if you don't want to though.

 

Now that I think about it, I haven't had a girl try to friendzone me after a RL. I must be very clear or a jerk lol.

[msportsfan25]

You are using logic and reason when trying to understand women. It wont work.

 

Women are emotional beings and difficult for us guys to understand.

 

Although you may have been more than clear women can be relentless in testing your resolve and getting what they want.

 

Her desire to be friends would make the breakup easier on her. She can ween herself off of you until she doesn't need you anymore. She can't help it.

 

But you'll never know unless you try. Understandable if you don't want to though.

 

Now that I think about it, I haven't had a girl try to friendzone me after a RL. I must be very clear or a jerk lol.

 

Agreed on the whole logic thing.

 

I have been pretty clear. She brought it up when she initially broke up with me. And I said I don't see us being friends and that it never really works out. I went as far as to say if I see you in the halls at work I will say hi but other than that I'm no longer going to be a part of your life.

 

I would assume that is pretty clear cut on what I thought of the whole "lets be friends" thing lol.

[JuneL]

Sorry for your loss, OP.

 

I think you've been doing perfectly regarding your ex. Since you belong to the same workplace, just keep saying hi and being polite to her. Continue to move on. It's not very nice of her not to respect your wish of not being her friend.

[SevenCity]

Agreed on the whole logic thing.

 

I have been pretty clear. She brought it up when she initially broke up with me. And I said I don't see us being friends and that it never really works out. I went as far as to say if I see you in the halls at work I will say hi but other than that I'm no longer going to be a part of your life.

 

I would assume that is pretty clear cut on what I thought of the whole "lets be friends" thing lol.

 

You handled that perfectly. I'm outnumbered here but I think there may be a chance you can get back in.

 

From her messages it sounds open. She didn't say "I'm here if you need a friend"

[msportsfan25]

You handled that perfectly. I'm outnumbered here but I think there may be a chance you can get back in.

 

From her messages it sounds open. She didn't say "I'm here if you need a friend"

 

I think you might be right but at the same time I shouldn't get my hopes up or put that thought in my head. I have other things to think about first before anything involving her.

[msportsfan25]

Sorry for your loss, OP.

 

I think you've been doing perfectly regarding your ex. Since you belong to the same workplace, just keep saying hi and being polite to her. Continue to move on. It's not very nice of her not to respect your wish of not being her friend.

 

Thank you. I am obviously in a vulnerable place right now and having her re-enter into my life (whatever her intentions are) doesn't help. At this point if she is still trying to push the whole friend thing, you'd think she would get the hint by now.

[Ronni_W]

What I don't understand is since the break up I have made it clear I don't want to be friends. <snip> Yet now this comes up and she suddenly she is "here for me"?

Death tends to affect people differently; and, many act out of character -- whether they are grieving or whether they are trying to comfort the bereaved.

 

If she has otherwise been adhering to your stated desire and request for complete severing between you two, then you can feel assured that she will honour this again in the future -- although, you may have to (gently) restate that your Dad's death has not changed your mind or feelings about her.

[msportsfan25]

Death tends to affect people differently; and, many act out of character -- whether they are grieving or whether they are trying to comfort the bereaved.

 

If she has otherwise been adhering to your stated desire and request for complete severing between you two, then you can feel assured that she will honour this again in the future -- although, you may have to (gently) restate that your Dad's death has not changed your mind or feelings about her.

 

I really would only be interested in possibly trying a romantic relationship again with her (even then we would have to talk through some things before that). I am not sure she feels the same way. It might be worth at least seeing it through and open myself up to possible rejection.

 

But at the same time this probably isn't the right time to do that. And it kind of irks me that I am putting this much thought/effort in to her rather than focusing on my dad.

[Ronni_W]

I really would only be interested in possibly trying a romantic relationship again with her

Okay. Then tell her that (or reiterate it). The timing of this conversation is entirely up to you. The point is that if she hasn't already expressed her own interest in returning to a romantic involvement with you, then her present gestures are more than likely coming from compassion and sympathy.

And it kind of irks me that I am putting this much thought/effort in to her rather than focusing on my dad.

Well...that's a decision that you're making for yourself. On one hand, it could be that your mind is actually welcoming the distraction; on the other, it could just be an indication that you still need more healing from the break-up.

 

Perhaps, in the meantime, you can let her know that you appreciate all her kindness, but will she mind giving you some space and time for your 'personal and alone' grieving. (In this way, you are leaving it on very good terms for 'if ever, whatever' may happen in the future.)