NCAC Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Hey all!! So brief background! I met this guy on Tinder back in November, we've talked on whats app and snapchat everyday since then!We get on like a house on fire our humour is the same etc and he seems interested! So we meet up every week or so, usually for drinks and food or just to chill and watch a movie. We first met up in Dec after talking for a few weeks. all in all we've met up about 6/7 times since then (Over the xmas i was home for two weeks, and Im just back form a holiday in the usa for a week the other day). We have arranged to meet up during next week maybe like Tues/Wed for a movie. He's suggested we go and get food beforehand.We've talked about some random stuff in the future I was saying we should do brunch some sat/sun and he was saying yes great idea etc etc. So i do think he's interested, I'm just not sure where we are going. We haven't had the what are we talk or if we are exclusive. We just seem to get on so we and he calls me a cute nickname etc too. Personally I don't think he is seeing anyone else, but obviously he might be. I just don't think he would have the time to with work gym and hanging out with me. Do you think I should ask him where he sees this going? I'd like to see this going somewhere and to be exclusive with him. I do know its early early days and I don't want to rush things i'd just rather know if he is off with other girls or not. Have had a bad history with guys being f**k boys in the past and giving off a false act! Any help/advice much appreciated.
GeorgeWP93 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Clearly you want to ask him so what's stopping you? You don't have to push him or make him but you could ask him if he's looking for something serious and does he see it happening with you. From a mans point of view, if I'm seeing a girl and I like her I will straight up say to her that i really like her and that I want to be with her but if she only sees it as a casual thing I'm fine with that so there's no pressure but then I can make my mind up of what I'm going to do. So I think you should ask him straight up if it's bothering you that much.
Author NCAC Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Clearly you want to ask him so what's stopping you? You don't have to push him or make him but you could ask him if he's looking for something serious and does he see it happening with you. From a mans point of view, if I'm seeing a girl and I like her I will straight up say to her that i really like her and that I want to be with her but if she only sees it as a casual thing I'm fine with that so there's no pressure but then I can make my mind up of what I'm going to do. So I think you should ask him straight up if it's bothering you that much. Thanks for your input, I guess I'm a little scared I will come across too pushy or needy? Forgot to add he was in a long diastase relationship for the last 3 years with a girl in a different country that he only came out of in September so I would assume that he is not looking for anything serious ? I don't want to scare him away either but I would like to have some idea. He is a little shy too. From a guys perspective, would you think someone to be coming across pushy and too forward if they asked you 'what are we' sorta thing?
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Hey all!! So brief background! I met this guy on Tinder back in November, we've talked on whats app and snapchat everyday since then!We get on like a house on fire our humour is the same etc and he seems interested! So we meet up every week or so, usually for drinks and food or just to chill and watch a movie. We first met up in Dec after talking for a few weeks. all in all we've met up about 6/7 times since then (Over the xmas i was home for two weeks, and Im just back form a holiday in the usa for a week the other day). We have arranged to meet up during next week maybe like Tues/Wed for a movie. He's suggested we go and get food beforehand.We've talked about some random stuff in the future I was saying we should do brunch some sat/sun and he was saying yes great idea etc etc. So i do think he's interested, I'm just not sure where we are going. We haven't had the what are we talk or if we are exclusive. We just seem to get on so we and he calls me a cute nickname etc too. Personally I don't think he is seeing anyone else, but obviously he might be. I just don't think he would have the time to with work gym and hanging out with me. Do you think I should ask him where he sees this going? I'd like to see this going somewhere and to be exclusive with him. I do know its early early days and I don't want to rush things i'd just rather know if he is off with other girls or not. Have had a bad history with guys being f**k boys in the past and giving off a false act! Any help/advice much appreciated. During the first couple of dates, there should be a conversation about overall dating goals to make sure you are on the same page with that at least. You make a statement about what you are looking for out of your dating journey and let them tell you what they are looking for -- casual dating or dating for the purpose of finding a relationship. If you're not on the same page, you move on. At this point, you aren't saying you know you want a relationship with them, but you just want to know if goals are the same at least. Even if he says he's looking for a relationship, you still need to observe whether they date you that way. You have been sleeping with this man, I assume, so you are well within your rights and have a responsibility to yourself to have clarity and establish your boundary. You make a statement now about your dating goals. "You know, Xname, I am hoping to find a relationship for myself and I like you very much. I am not seeing other people and don't intend to since we are being intimate because I want to focus on whether or not that potential exists between us. How do you feel about all this?" And, then you let him talk. If he doesn't want exclusivity and/or says he's just dating casually, you move on. Have had a bad history with guys being f**k boys in the past and giving off a false act! -- Well, without good, upfront communication, you don't know for sure whether it's a "false act". They may have simply been just about casual dating and you never knew that. But, yeah, sometimes they make it look good If this guy is doing everything right and meeting your early dating needs and he seems to be because you're still seeing him, just talk to him. Bringing it up doesn't cause them to change their minds, it just means they aren't on the same page as you whether you brought it up or not. 1
GeorgeWP93 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Thanks for your input, I guess I'm a little scared I will come across too pushy or needy? Forgot to add he was in a long diastase relationship for the last 3 years with a girl in a different country that he only came out of in September so I would assume that he is not looking for anything serious ? I don't want to scare him away either but I would like to have some idea. He is a little shy too. From a guys perspective, would you think someone to be coming across pushy and too forward if they asked you 'what are we' sorta thing? Depends how you word it, you don't have to push him. I just make sure that i say to people I'm not looking for anybody else but if they are then that's fine. Nothing has to change, you just want to know if he's planning on seeing or speaking to other people. I wouldn't take off after you asking!
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 If you are hesitant about the timing, you can put a time limit on it for yourself. If he doesn't bring it up himself in say, two weeks, you do it.
Author NCAC Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 During the first couple of dates, there should be a conversation about overall dating goals to make sure you are on the same page with that at least. You make a statement about what you are looking for out of your dating journey and let them tell you what they are looking for -- casual dating or dating for the purpose of finding a relationship. If you're not on the same page, you move on. At this point, you aren't saying you know you want a relationship with them, but you just want to know if goals are the same at least. Even if he says he's looking for a relationship, you still need to observe whether they date you that way. You have been sleeping with this man, I assume, so you are well within your rights and have a responsibility to yourself to have clarity and establish your boundary. You make a statement now about your dating goals. "You know, Xname, I am hoping to find a relationship for myself and I like you very much. I am not seeing other people and don't intend to since we are being intimate because I want to focus on whether or not that potential exists between us. How do you feel about all this?" And, then you let him talk. If he doesn't want exclusivity and/or says he's just dating casually, you move on. Have had a bad history with guys being f**k boys in the past and giving off a false act! -- Well, without good, upfront communication, you don't know for sure whether it's a "false act". They may have simply been just about casual dating and you never knew that. But, yeah, sometimes they make it look good If this guy is doing everything right and meeting your early dating needs and he seems to be because you're still seeing him, just talk to him. Bringing it up doesn't cause them to change their minds, it just means they aren't on the same page as you whether you brought it up or not. Thank you so much for this! Yes we've slept together but only once or twice. That's why I would like to know too as I wouldn't like to casually be sleeping with someone on an intimate level knowing they are sleeping with someone else thats a different connection altogether. I guess I'm a little scared of rejection or him not wanting to be exclusive with me as I really do like him.For all i know he is still using tinder and chatting to other girls but technically I couldn't get cross with that as we have no title. Forgot to mention he was in a long diastase relationship for the last 3 years with a girl in a different country that he only came out of in September so I would assume that he is not looking for anything serious ? About the previous F**k boys, no they stated to me they were looking for someone serious, then all of a sudden they called it off and both within a month had a gf so they were obvo just seeing other girls at the same time! Men eh???
Author NCAC Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 If you are hesitant about the timing, you can put a time limit on it for yourself. If he doesn't bring it up himself in say, two weeks, you do it. Yes this is what I am thinking, going to meet him during the week all goes to plan and just see maybe in two weeks whats going on then. I don't want to waste my precious time on something pointless either We had talked about going away for a weekend he has this beach house and he was excited he said he will pencil a date in in feb once he knows with work. thats promising surely?
purrrfectlyflawed Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 I see nothing wrong with bringing it up. If you like him I would just casually ask if he is seeing anyone else? If the answer is No tell him you aren't either and ask him if you guys are an official couple now? I would throw in there "If this is too early to discuss this then I understand". See what he says.
Author NCAC Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Depends how you word it, you don't have to push him. I just make sure that i say to people I'm not looking for anybody else but if they are then that's fine. Nothing has to change, you just want to know if he's planning on seeing or speaking to other people. I wouldn't take off after you asking! Yes I might phrase it like that, so are you talking/seeing anyone else at the moment from tinder or that? see what he says, I assume he would say no. Some might take off though surely? They might think oh god this women is looking for a husband which isn't the case. I just wouldn't be investing my time into more than one person at a time it feels wrong to me. I don't want to be the rebound girl either- This is a tricky one!
purrrfectlyflawed Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 I cannot edit my response. Instead of sing the term "official couple" I would just ask him if you 2 are only seeing each other now?
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Thank you so much for this! Yes we've slept together but only once or twice. That's why I would like to know too as I wouldn't like to casually be sleeping with someone on an intimate level knowing they are sleeping with someone else thats a different connection altogether. I guess I'm a little scared of rejection or him not wanting to be exclusive with me as I really do like him.For all i know he is still using tinder and chatting to other girls but technically I couldn't get cross with that as we have no title. Forgot to mention he was in a long diastase relationship for the last 3 years with a girl in a different country that he only came out of in September so I would assume that he is not looking for anything serious ? About the previous F**k boys, no they stated to me they were looking for someone serious, then all of a sudden they called it off and both within a month had a gf so they were obvo just seeing other girls at the same time! Men eh??? Forgot to mention he was in a long diastase relationship for the last 3 years with a girl in a different country that he only came out of in September so I would assume that he is not looking for anything serious ? -- He may "think" he's ready for a serious relationship if he says that to you, but you need to tread lightly. You don't want to be a rebound. Have the conversation you need to have and, if he says he wants a serious relationship, let him demonstrate that by dating you seriously. You've had 6/7 dates with him since November and doing a lot of staying in. It seems at some point, they've become spread out. In other words, you maybe had 1 date a week in November, a couple of dates in December and maybe one so far in January? What has the pattern been like?
Miss Spider Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Thank you so much for this! Yes we've slept together but only once or twice. That's why I would like to know too as I wouldn't like to casually be sleeping with someone on an intimate level knowing they are sleeping with someone else thats a different connection altogether. I guess I'm a little scared of rejection or him not wanting to be exclusive with me as I really do like him.For all i know he is still using tinder and chatting to other girls but technically I couldn't get cross with that as we have no title. Forgot to mention he was in a long diastase relationship for the last 3 years with a girl in a different country that he only came out of in September so I would assume that he is not looking for anything serious ? About the previous F**k boys, no they stated to me they were looking for someone serious, then all of a sudden they called it off and both within a month had a gf so they were obvo just seeing other girls at the same time! Men eh??? There's nothing wrong with asking him if he's seeing others if you're having sex with him. Ideally, you should have this conversation before sex. Acting cool and detached about it when you really aren't is a recipe for disaster. He's already made up his mind about whether he wants to focus only you or it potentially being a ltr. So you're just living in denial by not asking. Keep in mind, him saying he's only seeing you/not sleeping with others is not a promise of exclusivity. He's just saying for now he's concentrating on you to see where it goes. Tomorrow he could decide it's not working for him and go for someone else. Make sure you understand where he stands and if it's in alignment with what you want. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Yes this is what I am thinking, going to meet him during the week all goes to plan and just see maybe in two weeks whats going on then. I don't want to waste my precious time on something pointless either We had talked about going away for a weekend he has this beach house and he was excited he said he will pencil a date in in feb once he knows with work. thats promising surely? It's a good sign that he at least really likes you, but it is not a sign that he's exclusive with you or wants that. It just means he wants to take you away on a trip.
Author NCAC Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Forgot to mention he was in a long diastase relationship for the last 3 years with a girl in a different country that he only came out of in September so I would assume that he is not looking for anything serious ? -- He may "think" he's ready for a serious relationship if he says that to you, but you need to tread lightly. You don't want to be a rebound. Have the conversation you need to have and, if he says he wants a serious relationship, let him demonstrate that by dating you seriously. You've had 6/7 dates with him since November and doing a lot of staying in. It seems at some point, they've become spread out. In other words, you maybe had 1 date a week in November, a couple of dates in December and maybe one so far in January? What has the pattern been like? Yes I most certainty don't want to be a rebound but if you had come our of a long relationship you would hardly want to hop into a new one straight away unless it was something special. I do suppose a LDR isn't the same as such a s a normal one in that you only see them every so often. In relation to our timeline etc: Met on tinder start of Nov, then talked on snapchat then whatsapp. Dec 10th- date one Following weekend Sat 17th we were both out he happened to come back to my house that night nothing happened we stayed awake till 7am just chatting we didn't even kiss etc. The next day he stayed in mine till 10pm that night we just chilled again and chatted nothing happened Dec 22nd- we met for drinks Dec 23rd-Jan 4th I went home for the holidays (My hometown is a different city 2 hours away) Jan 7th we met for dinner and drinks Jan14th I went home this weekend so i was not around. Jan 17th we met for dinner and drinks Jan 18th-26th I went on a week hol This brings us to this weekend just gone we were due to meet friday but I had a work party and he was going away until tomorrow We have arrange to meet during the week like Tues/Wed to out for dinner after work then come and watch a movie in mine. Thoughts on the above? We literally talk everyday and he's interested in how my day is etc we have a joke. He doesn't ignore me or anything like that, surely if you just wanted sex you wouldn't bother talking to someone all the time? Just hard to read, maybe I am just being paranoid.
Author NCAC Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 I see nothing wrong with bringing it up. If you like him I would just casually ask if he is seeing anyone else? If the answer is No tell him you aren't either and ask him if you guys are an official couple now? I would throw in there "If this is too early to discuss this then I understand". See what he says. We are meeting during the week I think ill hold off until after that and see what vibe I get off him. Men are so complicated eh?! Just really scared of scaring him away as I really like him!
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Yes I most certainty don't want to be a rebound but if you had come our of a long relationship you would hardly want to hop into a new one straight away unless it was something special. I do suppose a LDR isn't the same as such a s a normal one in that you only see them every so often. In relation to our timeline etc: Met on tinder start of Nov, then talked on snapchat then whatsapp. Dec 10th- date one Following weekend Sat 17th we were both out he happened to come back to my house that night nothing happened we stayed awake till 7am just chatting we didn't even kiss etc. The next day he stayed in mine till 10pm that night we just chilled again and chatted nothing happened Dec 22nd- we met for drinks Dec 23rd-Jan 4th I went home for the holidays (My hometown is a different city 2 hours away) Jan 7th we met for dinner and drinks Jan14th I went home this weekend so i was not around. Jan 17th we met for dinner and drinks Jan 18th-26th I went on a week hol This brings us to this weekend just gone we were due to meet friday but I had a work party and he was going away until tomorrow We have arrange to meet during the week like Tues/Wed to out for dinner after work then come and watch a movie in mine. Thoughts on the above? We literally talk everyday and he's interested in how my day is etc we have a joke. He doesn't ignore me or anything like that, surely if you just wanted sex you wouldn't bother talking to someone all the time? Just hard to read, maybe I am just being paranoid. maybe I am just being paranoid -- Just talk to him. Paranoia and insecurity will kill a potential relationship in ways you don't realize. Communication is the key. If you are afraid to talk to a partner or potential partner, you'll always be paranoid. surely if you just wanted sex you wouldn't bother talking to someone all the time? -- Said every woman who didn't have the conversations that needed to be had and later found that the guy was seeing other people or wanted to.
Miss Spider Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Oops sorry !! I meant to say exclusivity is not a 'label' or commitment..it just means you're concentrating on/only seeing each other, for now. It should not scare him off..if he had intended to do it he probably already is. Good luck!!
Author NCAC Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Oops sorry !! I meant to say exclusivity is not a 'label' or commitment..it just means you're concentrating on/only seeing each other, for now. It should not scare him off..if he had intended to do it he probably already is. Good luck!! Thanks cookies for the above. Can you just clarify what you mean by 'if he had intended to do it he probably already is'? Ya ideally id just like to know if we are just soley focusing on each other or is he pursuing others too, is he getting bored of me etc. Realistically he must have feelings for me to still be in touch. He's never once ignored a text etc, and he always asks questions too. I just don't want to get caught up in someones rebound phase when feelings are involved it just gets complicated!
Author NCAC Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 maybe I am just being paranoid -- Just talk to him. Paranoia and insecurity will kill a potential relationship in ways you don't realize. Communication is the key. If you are afraid to talk to a partner or potential partner, you'll always be paranoid. surely if you just wanted sex you wouldn't bother talking to someone all the time? -- Said every woman who didn't have the conversations that needed to be had and later found that the guy was seeing other people or wanted to. You're right about the parnoa thing, I think I just generally am parnoid about these things cause i got F**ked over twice this year by two people playing me so its just hard to know who's genuine or not! I think I would be quite hurt if I know he was sleeping with and pursing other girls as I have no interest in seeing two or more guys at the same time. It requires too much effort and I would feel dishonest. I really scared of coming across too eager and scaring him off. AS you can see we've really only been just a handful of dates. I might just take a step back and not get in contact with him and see what happens or something
dumbass2 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 (edited) Just let him know that you are only seeing and talking with him right now and want to see if you both are on the same page. You've had sex already so no problem finding this out now. Edited January 29, 2017 by dumbass2
Author NCAC Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 Hi all, So I've just randomly logged onto Tinder, and I checked his profile and he has a new profile picture. I randomly checked his page anouf two weeks ago and it was still the same as when we started. Now he's a new profo. Is this a red flag? Help!
Mkn1010 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 It likely means that he is still looking/chatting to or dating others! It may be his way of dealing with fear and not wanting to invest too soon or he just may not want to be in an exclusive relationship with you. But without having that chat with him, you really don't have a leg to stand on! So you can decide to simply deal with it (and probably internally combust by the sounds of things) or chat to him?
Author NCAC Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 It likely means that he is still looking/chatting to or dating others! It may be his way of dealing with fear and not wanting to invest too soon or he just may not want to be in an exclusive relationship with you. But without having that chat with him, you really don't have a leg to stand on! So you can decide to simply deal with it (and probably internally combust by the sounds of things) or chat to him? Thanks for your reply! So I don't think I should mentions that tinder thing. I was thinking of maybe saying I don't really want to be a rebound or that girl, what's your views on this all, he geuinally seems like this nicest guy ever I find it hard to think he's dating others. I'm going to try take a step back and see. I'm so stressed over this - fecking men and all there mixed messages and drama
Mkn1010 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Just saying you don't want to be a rebound or 'that girl' is very unclear. I'd go with some of the earlier suggestions in this post, something like "I'm not chatting to anyone else at the moment or interested in dating anyone else as I'd like to see how things go with you, what are your thoughts?"
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