Has society ruined relationships...

[elaine567]

You're spot on I completely understand that but you've still not explained what I'm asking, why do the things that make them fall for you suddenly push them away? She obviously wasn't getting something from the relationship but what, she's not a serial dater, she is very independent, nothing had changed, .

 

Maybe nothing changing was the issue. She may have been waiting for you to change...

 

As for being blind-sided.

Men in general think "We had a disagreement, but it is all fine now" -> forget.

Women in general tend not to do that, they store away that disagreement and they may even bring it up years later. -> NEVER forget

 

Also women sometimes do not want to rock the boat too much if a disagreement occurs.

He thinks X, she thinks y.

She pleads her case, he doesn't budge. She gives in so as not to cause an argument or prolong it. She stops speaking about it. He thinks fine, she now thinks X, I won, end of story.

BUT she still thinks Y, she in reality is angry and frustrated, she stores that resentment away.

Once all those little things stored away add up to a big thing, she is gone.

 

I also think we tend to project what we are feeling onto the person we are with, so when we feel particularly happy and good about a relationship, we tend to assume that the other person feels the same way. We concentrate on the good bits and ignore the bad.

We see what we want to see.

We are then blind-sided when they leave...

 

He: We had a wonderful week, we laughed so much, the sex was great. Sun, sea and sand - fantastic. I love her so much.

 

Her: We had a terrible week. He moaned the whole time, the food, the service, the room... I ended up bored out of my skull on the beach. The sex as usual was appalling, it is all about him... I need to get out of this relationship asap...

[GeorgeWP93]

Maybe nothing changing was the issue. She may have been waiting for you to change...

 

As for being blind-sided.

Men in general think "We had a disagreement, but it is all fine now" -> forget.

Women in general tend not to do that, they store away that disagreement and they may even bring it up years later. -> NEVER forget

 

Also women sometimes do not want to rock the boat too much if a disagreement occurs.

He thinks X, she thinks y.

She pleads her case, he doesn't budge. She gives in so as not to cause an argument or prolong it. She stops speaking about it. He thinks fine, she now thinks X, I won, end of story.

BUT she still thinks Y, she in reality is angry and frustrated, she stores that resentment away.

Once all those little things stored away add up to a big thing, she is gone.

 

I also think we tend to project what we are feeling onto the person we are with, so when we feel particularly happy and good about a relationship, we tend to assume that the other person feels the same way. We concentrate on the good bits and ignore the bad.

We see what we want to see.

We are then blind-sided when they leave...

 

He: We had a wonderful week, we laughed so much, the sex was great. Sun, sea and sand - fantastic. I love her so much.

 

Her: We had a terrible week. He moaned the whole time, the food, the service, the room... I ended up bored out of my skull on the beach. The sex as usual was appalling, it is all about him... I need to get out of this relationship asap...

 

Again I agree with you we don't see it but I am who I am, what am I supposed to do and I usually say in a disagreement okay, we agree to disagree, I'm not going to get into a petty argument when we can have a grown up discussion. And I know people only say that sort of thing then aren't going to say you they hate you and have had a **** time but you can see when people are being genuine. But why do they lie, the sex wasn't the best I've ever had in my life with this girl but it was good and she knew it was. And relationships change, why do people lie and make plans with you, just be honest, communicate, I even said that I don't think we should plan holidays too far in advance.

 

People lie, people are fake and people don't understand relationships that's why they leave on a whim, they don't communicate there issues they don't stick by in poor weeks, they always think the grass is greener and then don't let relationships adapt because they have unrealistic expectations. Simple.

 

Although I agree with everything you say it's still wrong that people are like that, I'm not. Relationships should be easy, you shouldn't have to consciously think, am I doing this, should I have argued that, should I have slept with her this morning and worrying you've done something wrong.

Edited January 30, 2017 by GeorgeWP93

[CaliforniaGirl]

If it wall worked out so well post-WWII style and "everybody" stayed married for 75 years, how the hell do you explain the 60s backlash and extreme rising of divorce rates in the 60s and 70s?

 

Who do you think were all getting divorced during that time period? 18-year-olds?

 

People really didn't love that whole you marry her to have regular sex/you marry him to eat, you stick with him/her forever and overlook EVERYTHING else thing all that much. It's evident in the way that once divorce was acceptable, people jumped freakin' ship willy-nilly like rats escaping a fire in the hull.

[CaliforniaGirl]

 

For example it used to annoy me that she used to talk to me while we were watching something really interesting on TV, did I lose attraction? Was it a deal breaker? Nope! Why? Because I liked that I had someone who could me a d*ck and I call her a tw*t and we would laugh about it.

 

Inasmuch as it's probably silly to break up over someone talking during a TV show, is it not equally silly to sustain a life's relationship based on the fact that you can call each other middle-school potty names?

 

You can see how each is almost certainly a gross oversimplification. Correct?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Why even be in a relationship if all you care about is yourself?

 

Right...I've seen quite a few dating profiles that sounds like these women are on a soap box or something, preaching at me (us), what they can't stand in a partner and what they want.

 

The tone of their profile is grating, unappealing, callous, and reeks of sour grapes.

 

I've even seen some women finish off their profile descriptions with, "If you don't like what you just read, do not contact me!"

[CaliforniaGirl]

[]

 

My Nan and Grandad are the same, see said there were many times she could have left him, I don't expect people to stay in unhappy relationships with people but what is the physcology behind leaving someone and losing feelings after a bad couple weeks when the relationship had been perfect up until that point?

 

That's a beautiful story. OTOH, you probably don't know half a thumbnail of what ACTUALLY went into Nan and Grandad staying together. For example, my grandpa, who was a loving family man 100% (and whom I still adore in memory to this day), got his on the side for 35 years after Grandma was done with "all that" because they'd had their last child so there was no longer any need. Sure you know all there is to know about overcoming the little things in the old days? And are you sure you want to stand by that "...perfect up until that point" insistence when you can't ever truly know what's going on in another couple's mind, and/or the mind of a person who breaks up with you? I HIGHLY DOUBT "everything" was perfect before nearly any big breakup. Think again.

Edited January 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited to remove reference to errors in now deleted post

[GeorgeWP93]

Inasmuch as it's probably silly to break up over someone talking during a TV show, is it not equally silly to sustain a life's relationship based on the fact that you can call each other middle-school potty names?

 

You can see how each is almost certainly a gross oversimplification. Correct?

 

Very true you come up with some great points, definitely can't argue with them but I still think everyone misses my point, clearly my relationships haven't been perfect to whoever I've been with but one thing is, why don't I feel the same indifference? What makes a person infatuated with someone only to lose that? For me if I like a girl and she has all the qualities I like then little petty things don't bother me I understand relationships aren't constant rainbows so how come I do not lose feelings as soon as a relationship changes? I've never experienced a loss of feelings for someone who has become very involved in my life, my feelings have changed but definitely not gotten weaker.

 

And also I may not have worded it well but it was an example you mock the name calling but i only date people that are not overly sensitive, I don't like too lovey dovey. I like banter.

 

Also I see unhealthy relationships all the time which have lasted longer than any of my healthy relationships, even if they weren't perfect, there was no controlling, no full on arguments, plenty to do, plenty of good conversation. Yet I see people in controlling relationships, where people have changed from fun out going people to miserable and relationship obsorbed, cheating and people stick with it, a girl I know cannot poo in her own home without feeling insecure, mental abuse, lack of care but they are still together, they cannot be happy but they stick with it.

Edited January 30, 2017 by GeorgeWP93

[Purepony]

This thread is right on the money !

[GeorgeWP93]

This thread is right on the money !

 

I want to say I'm glad you agree but the reality is rubbish haha. Care to share your experiences?

[CaliforniaGirl]

Very true you come up with some great points, definitely can't argue with them but I still think everyone misses my point, clearly my relationships haven't been perfect to whoever I've been with but one thing is, why don't I feel the same indifference? What makes a person infatuated with someone only to lose that? For me if I like a girl and she has all the qualities I like then little petty things don't bother me I understand relationships aren't constant rainbows so how come I do not lose feelings as soon as a relationship changes? I've never experienced a loss of feelings for someone who has become very involved in my life, my feelings have changed but definitely not gotten weaker.

 

And also I may not have worded it well but it was an example you mock the name calling but i only date people that are not overly sensitive, I don't like too lovey dovey. I like banter.

 

Also I see unhealthy relationships all the time which have lasted longer than any of my healthy relationships, even if they weren't perfect, there was no controlling, no full on arguments, plenty to do, plenty of good conversation. Yet I see people in controlling relationships, where people have changed from fun out going people to miserable and relationship obsorbed, cheating and people stick with it, a girl I know cannot poo in her own home without feeling insecure, mental abuse, lack of care but they are still together, they cannot be happy but they stick with it.

 

I'm not sure why. Can I ask how long is the longest you've ever been in a relationship?

[mightycpa]

Looking at my friends relationships, my parents relationships, my own relationships and the relationships of the posters on here, why is it so complicated? Gone are the days of meeting someone and sticking by each other, through the tough times, red flags, cheating, ex relationships, emotionally unavailable, unrealistic expectations and so on

Why? Seriously?

 

Here's a short list off the top of my head:

 

 

1. Because it is normal to be able to go anywhere in the world on about a day's or two notice. The world is so much smaller, and there are so many more people that you meet.
   
2. Because premarital, no-strings anonymous sex is much more socially acceptable and readily available, making all other kinds of sex also much more available.... except for committed, monogamous sex.
   
3. Because two people no longer get together and struggle against the land and the elements in order to survive. It's all about fun and leisure. Rich people problems.
   
4. Because women aren't pressured into marriage.
   
5. Because it's ok for women to have kids and not be married.
   
6. Because people aren't afraid to demand what they really want from their lives. Rich people privilege.
   

That's just off the top of my head.

 

 

Some of you will agree with me and find comfort that someone else is fed up with the society and dating scene of today, some will say it's part and parcel but let me expand on my point.

 

A lot is said about red flags and mostly I agree, for instance if the person you're seeing openly admits that they cheated in their past relationships, we've got a legit red flag but on this forum I see that if the person you're seeing is to affectionate to quickly this is a 'red flag' seriously?! We live in time where you cannot be happy that someone you're falling for feels the same?! Some say that seeing each other too much is a red flag, so after a hard day at work the girl I'm seeing invites me down to cook dinner and watch TV, I'm supposed to say no and sit on my own! Why do we have to look for such subtle little things in a relationship because if we don't notice them, three months down the line when she doesnt text you for three days before telling you that although she loves you she can't be with you

Honestly, I think you're missing the point about red flags. It's not that these behaviors are wrong. It's that they are telling, and indicate the future.

Which takes me onto my next point, I was recently completely blindsided by a girl I had been seeing for at least 6 months, one week we were planning a holiday in the summer, we had a weekend away the end of that week and the second day we were there she was off, and off all weekend, breaking up with me the day after we got back.

Now we get to the issue.

Never have I lost feeling that quickly without drastic arguments or something major.

Then you can't understand it. But it can happen, so all you have to do is believe that it does.

I'm not angry at her, I'll angry at why it happens why people switch off when the sex, banter, flirting, activities and fun is still there.

You're giving her too much credit. Do you really think she can switch her emotions on and off? If so, why don't you try it? Just turn your emotions off for this girl so that it doesn't bother you anymore.

Do people want too much?

Some do, and they end up not getting what they want. But you'll never know if you don't go for it. Is it a risk? Of course.

Has the Hollywood movies of romance given us a false expectation that for the next 60 years we will have butterfly's in our stomach and day dream about each other?

Most definitely. As you get older, you fall into a very calm sort of love, if you're lucky. No butterflies.

Instantly people will tell me there was maybe somebody else in the picture, as they do to 90% of the people who have been dumped, but why do we have to worry about that?

You don't have to worry about it. Either it will happen, or it won't.

Why do people consider cheating? Finding emotional attention from elsewhere, just because it makes them feel good.

You're available for a new spark because the old spark isn't giving you something you need. Again, it's not exactly voluntary. To prove it, I will now invite you to go develop desire for some woman who is willing to give you attention. The woman will be easy to find; the desire is a crapshoot. I think you'll find it elusive.

 

Almost every relationship has an ex involved, an ex that gets jealous when they move on and try's to worm there way in, sometimes they manage it, it never works out but people never learn.

 

A girl I was seeing friend once came to see her nearly in tears because the guy she was seeing had told her he didn't want a relationship but wouldn't see anybody else, she saw on his Snapchat he was, she was gutted, furious with him, he was a 28 year old jobless drug dealer, why was she even seeing him? But when she went out with a nice normal guy, she was bored instantly and had to break it off. Relationships are so predictable, people date the same people and get the same heart break every time. Relationships break down at the exact same point and follow the same routine of ending.

 

I've stuck by women in there time of need even if it wasn't giving me what I needed because I knew how good it could be and because I believe you should support each other only for when they've recovered and it's my time of need they're gone in a shot leaving my stood there with my pants down.

 

I'm fed up of it, I'm fed up of feeling like nothing is forever, never to relax because that's when things go wrong, I'm fed up of having to consider everyone cheating on you. I'm fed up of people who met there girlfriend of 1 month on tinder telling me that I will find the one, one day and when I least expect it, I'm fed up of caring for people that only pretend to feel the same. I just want it work with someone and stick by each other.

 

I know some of you will think I'm needy, full on or too much but trust me I'm not, i have my own life, I have a good job, I work hard, I have friends, I have a good social life. I guess this is just a rant to get things off my chest but I just hope that it gives people some comfort that they're not alone.

I don't know about needy. You just want your love life to be effortless. The way you say it, you don't seem to much care who the person is or what she's like, as long as she is of good moral character, and is willing to stick things out through thick and thin, even after only 6 months of knowing you. I believe that's the kind of relationship where the phrase "old ball and chain" comes from.

 

The good news for you is that there are many, many women out there who are exactly like that. All you have to do is interview a few women until you find one that is like-minded and then switch it on for her. Voila! Lifelong success! Or prison sentence, depending on your perspective.

[GeorgeWP93]

MightCPA thanks so much for such an in depth analysis of my long winded rant, I understand red flags, maybe I'm missing the point but is it not possible for two people to just be together, if a girl tells me at the start of a relationship that her longest relationship is 3 months is that a red flag? Do I carry the relationship on or dump her on the assumption that in 2 months time I will be dumped? Why do I have to read so much into every little thing they say, it makes me look for reasons for it to not work.

 

You get the issue but let me tell you this is not the first girl that's dumped me, some had issued within the relationship were obvious, earlier I was naive and not myself and natural in a relationship, I've dumped girls but never after I've made a deep connection but I have when I knew I wouldn't which is within a few dates, I certainly wouldn't make plans long into the future and give her any false promises.

 

I understand it happens and i want to know, this is the person I am, I like to understand the mind and how it works...

 

Nope I don't think she can turn her emotions off, I certainly can't but again Ive never had even a slow loss of interest on my part, especially after making a strong connection.

 

Cheating, maybe not worry but in my opinion if we break up I shouldn't instantly be pushed towards the idea of another person being involved.

 

I'm not sure what you're saying about finding a new spark but I understand people want the new feelings but if you're not happy in a relationship, then leave, goodbye. When I'm seeing a girl and happy with her and building something I don't start getting close to another, if I don't see it going anywhere I would explain that to them.

 

I have got better as I've got older, I agree at the start of my dating life I was happy with almost anyone but the last couple of years I'm not obsessed with it, I don't use dating apps I won't go out with people unless they at least tick a few boxes from the off, if I do go out with them, I realise they're not the one and want to move on I will tell them, politely and with dignity. I certainly wouldn't tell someone I love them, have never felt like this before, plan holidays for months in advance, discuss plans with them for the future, introduce them to my parents and tell them how much my friends and family like them before telling someone, I'm not feeling it anymore, see ya!

 

I do want my relationships to be effortless I don't want to have to look out for things said within the first month trying to work out if they're signs that in a few weeks or months time something else will happen and everyone says I told you so, I don't want to have to deal with the possibility of an ex boyfriend getting jealous, I don't want people to lie to me, I don't want to feel a deep connection with someone only for it to be one sided. I at least want to experience the loss of spark from my side so I can understand, I want to feel why after speaking everyday for the last however long they're prepared to never talk again.

 

It's very interesting to see other people's opinion, although I get the impression you didn't like mine particularly and your points I understand and agree with I just think some of the things are misaligned, we don't quite understand what each other are thinking and to be honest, maybe I'm bitter but I can't help but be confused by others actions.

 

Also I'm 24 and my longest relationship is around the year mark. But I've had several of a few months. Some I will admit were my fault.

[basil67]

They stuck it out.

.

 

Or they were simply "stuck". You must remember that before the 70's, divorce wasn't an option. Not only was it socially unacceptable, a woman couldn't support herself and the children so leaving simply wasn't realistic. The fact that the couples were still together doesn't mean that they were happy together.

 

Yes, there are/were plenty of happily married old couples. My parents are an example. But there are/were plenty of old couples who had horrible marriages with no escape options.

[GeorgeWP93]

Or they were simply "stuck". You must remember that before the 70's, divorce wasn't an option. Not only was it socially unacceptable, a woman couldn't support herself and the children so leaving simply wasn't realistic. The fact that the couples were still together doesn't mean that they were happy together.

 

Yes, there are/were plenty of happily married old couples. My parents are an example. But there are/were plenty of old couples who had horrible marriages with no escape options.

 

Great point BUT is that as much of a bad thing really? It's easy to divorce now, easier than making it work, it's easier to meet new people, my mother left my dad for another woman, she got GIGS, she regrets it because she's in unhappy relationship and stuck now. If she didn't have Facebook and such to make her think she could walk into perfect relationship she wouldn't have made the mistake and people give off the illusion there relationship is incredible because of social media pressures.

[Blanco]

Haha, uh YEAH, being trapped in a bad or mediocre marriage was "as much of a bad thing."

 

I think too many people take their vows lightly, but you can't make a sweeping generalization and lump in the people who exit bad marriages or young relationships that they don't see having true long-term potential.

[Sweetfish]

Maybe nothing changing was the issue. She may have been waiting for you to change...

 

As for being blind-sided.

Men in general think "We had a disagreement, but it is all fine now" -> forget.

Women in general tend not to do that, they store away that disagreement and they may even bring it up years later. -> NEVER forget

 

Also women sometimes do not want to rock the boat too much if a disagreement occurs.

He thinks X, she thinks y.

She pleads her case, he doesn't budge. She gives in so as not to cause an argument or prolong it. She stops speaking about it. He thinks fine, she now thinks X, I won, end of story.

BUT she still thinks Y, she in reality is angry and frustrated, she stores that resentment away.

Once all those little things stored away add up to a big thing, she is gone.

 

I also think we tend to project what we are feeling onto the person we are with, so when we feel particularly happy and good about a relationship, we tend to assume that the other person feels the same way. We concentrate on the good bits and ignore the bad.

We see what we want to see.

We are then blind-sided when they leave...

 

He: We had a wonderful week, we laughed so much, the sex was great. Sun, sea and sand - fantastic. I love her so much.

 

Her: We had a terrible week. He moaned the whole time, the food, the service, the room... I ended up bored out of my skull on the beach. The sex as usual was appalling, it is all about him... I need to get out of this relationship asap...

 

 

Im very very very glad you made this point. This is the dynamics of lots of relationships. Men being clueless to laundry list of things he did wrong and women not telling her man what she wants or how she feels because she wants to avoid disagreement. In this statement your putting the lack of communication in the hands of the woman.

 

How would you like if your manager gave you a list of things and said you violated a bunch of rules and fired you... but laughed and smiled in your face everyday?

 

Btw im not directing this at you. Elaine.

 

So you know what the manager does... start looking for other prospects while they keep you on payroll because the company still has needs.

 

Then they let you go and say they are cutting back and 2 weeks later they hired another bloak.

 

I don't think women teach other women to understand men. They just dispose and get a new one when they get enough built up anger.

 

All the attributes you explained are attributes close to a child.

 

Holding in anger

Poor perspective (egocentrism)

Black and white thinking

Not accepting bad and good in people

 

These are all behaviors a child shows before adulthood.

[mightycpa]

MightCPA thanks so much for such an in depth analysis of my long winded rant, I understand red flags, maybe I'm missing the point but is it not possible for two people to just be together, if a girl tells me at the start of a relationship that her longest relationship is 3 months is that a red flag? Do I carry the relationship on or dump her on the assumption that in 2 months time I will be dumped? Why do I have to read so much into every little thing they say, it makes me look for reasons for it to not work.

You're welcome, and thanks for the honest listen. Taking your questions one by one,

Yes, it is possible for two people to just be together. Take roommates, for example. You have one when you're young, your best friend. Everything is great, except as time goes along, one of you is a neatfreak, the other a slob. While you're great friends, you're not great roommates, so you call it quits. The slob has no idea why. It's the neatfreak that can't stand the other. I think this is not unlike your situation.

 

3 months red flag? Quite possibly so. Any idea why? Did she learn anything from this, or is every ex an a-hole? Do you carry the relationship? The real question is, why do you even get into a relationship with a person like this before getting to know them for 3 months? What's the rush? You don't have to make it work, you don't want to make it work. Rather, I think you simply evaluate to see if it does work, and you need to accept that the other person is doing the same thing. Next, you have to define "work". What does that mean? I think you also need to accept that it may mean something to you and something quite different to someone else. You're looking for compatibility, they're looking for the heat of passion to never leave. In that case, yeah, you might as well leave on Day 1, or at least, don't get involved. It's not all about what you want, or even what you think people should want. You are subject to their interpretations, like it or not. Do you know what I'm trying to say?

You get the issue but let me tell you this is not the first girl that's dumped me, some had issued within the relationship were obvious, earlier I was naive and not myself and natural in a relationship, I've dumped girls but never after I've made a deep connection but I have when I knew I wouldn't which is within a few dates, I certainly wouldn't make plans long into the future and give her any false promises.

 

I understand it happens and i want to know, this is the person I am, I like to understand the mind and how it works...

The first time I ever got dumped, I thought both of us were in love, and we were, but then one day, all of a sudden, only one of us was - me. When she told me we were done, I was shocked. She broke my heart, and I could not understand it. Over time, I studied the question, and I saw a lot of things I could have been better at. For a while, I blamed me and the things I did and did not do. She was perfect, in my mind. Then, a few dumpings later, I thought another one broke my heart. But something different happened with that one. I was just sad, but a review of my actions revealed I didn't do anything wrong, or at least nothing egregious. I had trouble understanding that too, until one day, I woke up and I didn't care anymore. It was a day of freedom like I'd never had. I never did fall out of love with the first one, it still hurt if I thought about it. But the most recent one? On that day, I learned what it felt like when the switch turns off. It is quite an experience. It is powerful and freeing and it feels really good, like you just woke up really fresh. It's like you are new again. It was on that day that I realized that it wasn't my fault with the first girl. Well, I wasn't wholly to blame. I believe I could have been perfect for her and the same thing would have happened. I believe that if her switch had stayed on, she could have forgiven all my mistakes, as I realized she had done for months. That wasn't it at all. I didn't like it, but I understood it and I knew that when she felt what I was feeling, she had no choice but to leave. When the day comes that you feel that, you too will understand. Trust me on this.

 

Nope I don't think she can turn her emotions off, I certainly can't but again Ive never had even a slow loss of interest on my part, especially after making a strong connection.

 

Cheating, maybe not worry but in my opinion if we break up I shouldn't instantly be pushed towards the idea of another person being involved.

I'm glad you brought that up. It reinforces my point about mistakes. So, let's say your girl does cheat on you, no question. You'll still love her. You'll have to make a difficult decision to drop her. But when the spark goes out, when the switch flips? It's not hard. It's easy, super easy. There is no doubt whatsoever and you don't look back with any regret. You look forward, and I get the feeling you've been on the receiving end of that.

 

I'm not sure what you're saying about finding a new spark but I understand people want the new feelings but if you're not happy in a relationship, then leave, goodbye. When I'm seeing a girl and happy with her and building something I don't start getting close to another, if I don't see it going anywhere I would explain that to them.

What I'm trying to say there is that you can find a great friend with whom you have no real issues. You can get along famously and everything can be pretty good. All it takes to ruin that is to feel something for somebody else. I had one of those too, a really great girl that to this day, I can't say enough good things about. She was fantastic, but I never really loved her in the three years we were together. If I'd never met anyone else I was interested in, I seriously doubt I'd have ever left her. She was clearly the best I'd ever do. I was totally happy in that relationship too. I wasn't looking for anything, I thought I had it all. Until I met somebody I had an interest in, very much by accident. Then boom, I left her, very suddenly, and she could not understand it, because she'd never been through it. It wasn't hard for me, except I felt pity for her. Can you imagine? The only thing somebody feels for you is pity because they know you want them and they know they can't give it back? You don't want that person to stay with you, believe me. There's more to life than that. Lots more.

 

I have got better as I've got older, I agree at the start of my dating life I was happy with almost anyone but the last couple of years I'm not obsessed with it, I don't use dating apps I won't go out with people unless they at least tick a few boxes from the off, if I do go out with them, I realise they're not the one and want to move on I will tell them, politely and with dignity. I certainly wouldn't tell someone I love them, have never felt like this before, plan holidays for months in advance, discuss plans with them for the future, introduce them to my parents and tell them how much my friends and family like them before telling someone, I'm not feeling it anymore, see ya!

Well, you say that now, and maybe you're right, but one day you might. All I can tell you is that you will never have planned for that to happen. But you'll know it's the right thing to do, because that person will want and deserve more than you can ever give them. You may have felt it the day before, but the day it's gone? There will be no question in your mind about the right thing to do. It may take you a little while to figure out how you'll do it.

 

I do want my relationships to be effortless I don't want to have to look out for things said within the first month trying to work out if they're signs that in a few weeks or months time something else will happen and everyone says I told you so, I don't want to have to deal with the possibility of an ex boyfriend getting jealous, I don't want people to lie to me, I don't want to feel a deep connection with someone only for it to be one sided.

The best relationships are effortless, until they become an effort. If you find the right person, then the effort seems worth it. But as you said, sometimes the effort isn't worth it, so you decide to go. The only question is whether it will be easy or difficult and that will be driven by your emotional state, over which you'll have no control. All I can tell you is that you have to live with the possibility of all those things. I don't think you should worry about them, you just need to keep your eyes open, and you need to stop making assumptions about other people based on what you think and feel. It gets easier as you get older, because frankly, people get less flaky. They've likely been on both sides of the equation, they've learned, they know themselves better and they've changed for the better. When you're older, you get someone a lot different than they were 5 or 10 years before. Generally, that person is a better than they were and definitely more stable. So your relationships when young are likely to be temporary. That's fine, think of them as learning experiences, to get you ready for when the time comes. What are the chances that you're going to meet Ms. Right first time out of the box? It may feel like it for a while, but really, what are the chances? And even if you do, how can you expect to be ready for that? You need experience to do a relationship justice.

I at least want to experience the loss of spark from my side so I can understand, I want to feel why after speaking everyday for the last however long they're prepared to never talk again.

I hope you do. That first girl? From the night she dumped me, it's been over 14,700 days since we've spoken. The next one, over 13,000. The next one, over 12,700. The one after that, almost 12,000. That was the one where I finally understood. It's very normal not to ever talk to someone again. It just feels wrong at first, and you are not old enough to know. Ask your parents or uncles or older people you know. They'll tell you. You'd be surprised that your mom or dad had someone they loved very much who they haven't seen or spoken to for decades. They remember, very clearly, but it's an ancient memory.

 

It's very interesting to see other people's opinion, although I get the impression you didn't like mine particularly and your points I understand and agree with I just think some of the things are misaligned, we don't quite understand what each other are thinking and to be honest, maybe I'm bitter but I can't help but be confused by others actions.

It's not a matter of like or dislike, I don't really care. But I do understand what you're feeling. I've been there too. I've just reached enlightenment already. I understand why I was wrong. I see the bigger picture, I can put it in perspective. And I can try to convey it to you until I'm blue in the face, but until you've lived both sides, you can't really understand. It's like trying to tell a guy who has always been blind what color the sky is and make him understand. It can't be done.

 

Also I'm 24 and my longest relationship is around the year mark. But I've had several of a few months. Some I will admit were my fault.I'm sure you were complicit in some way, but I'm not so sure it was your fault. You'll be able to see that one day, I have no doubt.

 

OK, that's it for me. You'll get there. Good luck!

[GeorgeWP93]

Im very very very glad you made this point. This is the dynamics of lots of relationships. Men being clueless to laundry list of things he did wrong and women not telling her man what she wants or how she feels because she wants to avoid disagreement. In this statement your putting the lack of communication in the hands of the woman.

 

How would you like if your manager gave you a list of things and said you violated a bunch of rules and fired you... but laughed and smiled in your face everyday?

 

Btw im not directing this at you. Elaine.

 

So you know what the manager does... start looking for other prospects while they keep you on payroll because the company still has needs.

 

Then they let you go and say they are cutting back and 2 weeks later they hired another bloak.

 

I don't think women teach other women to understand men. They just dispose and get a new one when they get enough built up anger.

 

All the attributes you explained are attributes close to a child.

 

Holding in anger

Poor perspective (egocentrism)

Black and white thinking

Not accepting bad and good in people

 

These are all behaviors a child shows before adulthood.

 

Absolutely spot on, I don't think people understand we know how it is but it shouldn't be like this, I'm not just blaming women, I'm sure men do things that drive men insane but if the sex was ****, tell me, I'll work on it, if I've not been as chatty and fun the last week or two, ask me why, I'll explain why and it will get better.

 

Don't tell me that the relationship is perfect and make plans for the future if they're not and you're not planning on sticking around, there's a reason why you got this far in your relationship, there is a reason you fell for that person, they don't just disappear.

 

I'm not talking about if you're on different paths, sometimes you have fundamental differences, one of my friends was with a girl for a year or two, it became apparent that his career was going places, he wanted to travel and experience things, she was happy in her dead end job doing absolutely nothing. Even then he didn't drag it out for convinence and sex, he done the right thing with dignity, respect and helped her when she decided she wanted to go travelling.

 

I've been out with a lot of different women and I'm sure some of you women have been out with a lot of different men but in the end they all display the same characteristics, they all end in a very similar way, they all lie and none of them communicate or understand.

[GeorgeWP93]

Haha, uh YEAH, being trapped in a bad or mediocre marriage was "as much of a bad thing."

 

I think too many people take their vows lightly, but you can't make a sweeping generalization and lump in the people who exit bad marriages or young relationships that they don't see having true long-term potential.

 

Erm, I'm absolutely not saying you such stay trapped in a bad relationship but what I am saying is you married the person for a reason, talk to them, explain the issues, don't make it sound like it's make or break just convey your problems by speaking to them! such a daunting and hard thing to do to speak to your partner about things isn't it.

 

Don't leave a relationship because you see your friend on instagram pop up pictures now and again of the flowers he brought her or leave a relationship because you think you'll find the Hollywood love elsewhere life and love has ups and downssssss work at it!

 

Unless you have fundamental issues, i.e. You want to travel, they don't. They won't change after speaking, cheated, whatever. Then it's okay to leave.

 

Read another post on here saying she is withdrawing from her relationship because it's coming to the end.... ermm if you don't want him, end it or tell him you miss that he used to take her out on meals, whatever it is. Don't drag it out and torture someone making them think, what's going on, what have I done wrong.

 

And I generalise this to women but I don't mean to it's just my experience, I'm sure some women hate that every man they go out with is all lovey dovey with them until they've had sex a few times and then ghost.

[elaine567]

All the attributes you explained are attributes close to a child.

 

Holding in anger

Poor perspective (egocentrism)

Black and white thinking

Not accepting bad and good in people

 

These are all behaviors a child shows before adulthood.

 

But the dynamics of some male/female interactions are very like that of a parent/child.

All around this forum there is an undercurrent of male domination and female submission. Men need to be men and women need to pander to them. Some women even rejoice in that dynamic too. They adopt the role of "the child" willingly.

They may lead very responsible, independent style lives but will still, when the chips are down, submit to the man in their lives.

 

The man is still often the main breadwinner, he is often physically bigger and stronger, he is often more aggressive verbally and potentially physically, he is thus often the dominant partner. It is hardly surprising that he adopts the parent role. He may abdicate all practical responsibility to his wife, but ultimately his say goes. He knows that, she knows that.

 

The child usually does not stand up to the father, as the father has all the power, so the child learns to appease. So not only do many women adopt the role of the child in the relationship they adopt the role of the appeaser in the relationship too.

She becomes the person who will do anything to avoid conflict, the person who doesn't want to disappoint, the person who goes with the flow, the person who hides their true feelings, the person who nods in agreement, the person who ultimately backs down, the people pleaser... etc.

So whilst she may moan to anyone else who will listen, when faced with her husband/bf she buckles and goes into conflict avoidant mode.

Yes, we will go to France in the summer and yes I love you and yes, we had a lovely dinner tonight. She will agree to almost anything to avoid his potential aggression and presumed wrath of her "father".

 

Once she is "done" and it may take a long time to get there, she quickly rushes out the door or monkey branches or cheats, instead of facing the problems head on.

 

I am not saying all women are like this, they aren't, but I have met quite a few like this.

I guess George's gf was one of those too.

 

(Parent/child type relationships can also take on the form of mother and child. and conflict avoidance is not a purely feminine trait.

Many men will give the impression all is hunky dory, only to disappear in a puff of smoke too.)

[GeorgeWP93]

But the dynamics of some male/female interactions are very like that of a parent/child.

All around this forum there is an undercurrent of male domination and female submission. Men need to be men and women need to pander to them. Some women even rejoice in that dynamic too. They adopt the role of "the child" willingly.

They may lead very responsible, independent style lives but will still, when the chips are down, submit to the man in their lives.

 

The man is still often the main breadwinner, he is often physically bigger and stronger, he is often more aggressive verbally and potentially physically, he is thus often the dominant partner. It is hardly surprising that he adopts the parent role. He may abdicate all practical responsibility to his wife, but ultimately his say goes. He knows that, she knows that.

 

The child usually does not stand up to the father, as the father has all the power, so the child learns to appease. So not only do many women adopt the role of the child in the relationship they adopt the role of the appeaser in the relationship too.

She becomes the person who will do anything to avoid conflict, the person who doesn't want to disappoint, the person who goes with the flow, the person who hides their true feelings, the person who nods in agreement, the person who ultimately backs down, the people pleaser... etc.

So whilst she may moan to anyone else who will listen, when faced with her husband/bf she buckles and goes into conflict avoidant mode.

Yes, we will go to France in the summer and yes I love you and yes, we had a lovely dinner tonight. She will agree to almost anything to avoid his potential aggression and presumed wrath of her "father".

 

Once she is "done" and it may take a long time to get there, she quickly rushes out the door or monkey branches or cheats, instead of facing the problems head on.

 

I am not saying all women are like this, they aren't, but I have met quite a few like this.

I guess George's gf was one of those too.

 

(Parent/child type relationships can also take on the form of mother and child. and conflict avoidance is not a purely feminine trait.

Many men will give the impression all is hunky dory, only to disappear in a puff of smoke too.)

 

In aspects she probably was for example as woman seem to do when you are making plans, sometimes you ask is there anywhere you particularly want to eat, then they say 'I don't mind' but if I made plans or suggested something to do and she didn't want to she would soon tell me. She never told me she loved me, she told me she appreciated me and was glad she met me, didn't want to lose me but saying I love you was probably too soon in the relationship for her, she didn't say nice stuff to me just because I said it to her.

 

We definitely didn't agree with everything when chatting about her friends relationships or jobs or things, she would stick to her guns about things, like I said it would be fun to do something with her different like learn to ski or something different and exciting, she said absolutely not, we do nice things and have loads to look forward to anyway.

 

I know exactly the type of girl you mean though I've been out with plenty but they aren't particularly my type, I like the independent, I like someone to have a discussion with me and argue there point, I want someone that will tell me that im annoying her, I like it when I don't have to plan and organise everything. She ticked all these boxes and they're qualities I have myself.

 

Also, do you think they are healthy traits to have in a relationship? It's immature and quite frankly pathetic.

Edited January 31, 2017 by GeorgeWP93

[WaitingForBardot]

Maybe nothing changing was the issue. She may have been waiting for you to change...

 

As for being blind-sided.

Men in general think "We had a disagreement, but it is all fine now" -> forget.

Women in general tend not to do that, they store away that disagreement and they may even bring it up years later. -> NEVER forget

 

Also women sometimes do not want to rock the boat too much if a disagreement occurs.

He thinks X, she thinks y.

She pleads her case, he doesn't budge. She gives in so as not to cause an argument or prolong it. She stops speaking about it. He thinks fine, she now thinks X, I won, end of story.

BUT she still thinks Y, she in reality is angry and frustrated, she stores that resentment away.

Once all those little things stored away add up to a big thing, she is gone.

An analogy for this is that for (most) women, a relationship is like a cup of water; you add to it and you subtract from it, but once the water level drops below some threshold you are done. And sadly it turns out much easier for men to subtract than to add. (Read this in an advice column once but can't remember the author.)

 

I also think we tend to project what we are feeling onto the person we are with, so when we feel particularly happy and good about a relationship, we tend to assume that the other person feels the same way. We concentrate on the good bits and ignore the bad.

We see what we want to see.

We are then blind-sided when they leave...

 

He: We had a wonderful week, we laughed so much, the sex was great. Sun, sea and sand - fantastic. I love her so much.

 

Her: We had a terrible week. He moaned the whole time, the food, the service, the room... I ended up bored out of my skull on the beach. The sex as usual was appalling, it is all about him... I need to get out of this relationship asap...

And this kind of projection is very common, we see a post like it every day or so. "We had a wonderful time on the date and then they said we don't fit!!" No, you had a wonderful time, obviously they didn't or they wouldn't have said that.