Has society ruined relationships...

[GeorgeWP93]

Looking at my friends relationships, my parents relationships, my own relationships and the relationships of the posters on here, why is it so complicated? Gone are the days of meeting someone and sticking by each other, through the tough times, red flags, cheating, ex relationships, emotionally unavailable, unrealistic expectations and so on

 

Some of you will agree with me and find comfort that someone else is fed up with the society and dating scene of today, some will say it's part and parcel but let me expand on my point.

 

A lot is said about red flags and mostly I agree, for instance if the person you're seeing openly admits that they cheated in their past relationships, we've got a legit red flag but on this forum I see that if the person you're seeing is to affectionate to quickly this is a 'red flag' seriously?! We live in time where you cannot be happy that someone you're falling for feels the same?! Some say that seeing each other too much is a red flag, so after a hard day at work the girl I'm seeing invites me down to cook dinner and watch TV, I'm supposed to say no and sit on my own! Why do we have to look for such subtle little things in a relationship because if we don't notice them, three months down the line when she doesnt text you for three days before telling you that although she loves you she can't be with you

 

Which takes me onto my next point, I was recently completely blindsided by a girl I had been seeing for at least 6 months, one week we were planning a holiday in the summer, we had a weekend away the end of that week and the second day we were there she was off, and off all weekend, breaking up with me the day after we got back. Never have I lost feeling that quickly without drastic arguments or something major. I'm not angry at her, I'll angry at why it happens why people switch off when the sex, banter, flirting, activities and fun is still there. Do people want too much? Has the Hollywood movies of romance given us a false expectation that for the next 60 years we will have butterfly's in our stomach and day dream about each other?

 

Instantly people will tell me there was maybe somebody else in the picture, as they do to 90% of the people who have been dumped, but why do we have to worry about that? Why do people consider cheating? Finding emotional attention from elsewhere, just because it makes them feel good.

 

Almost every relationship has an ex involved, an ex that gets jealous when they move on and try's to worm there way in, sometimes they manage it, it never works out but people never learn.

 

A girl I was seeing friend once came to see her nearly in tears because the guy she was seeing had told her he didn't want a relationship but wouldn't see anybody else, she saw on his Snapchat he was, she was gutted, furious with him, he was a 28 year old jobless drug dealer, why was she even seeing him? But when she went out with a nice normal guy, she was bored instantly and had to break it off. Relationships are so predictable, people date the same people and get the same heart break every time. Relationships break down at the exact same point and follow the same routine of ending.

 

I've stuck by women in there time of need even if it wasn't giving me what I needed because I knew how good it could be and because I believe you should support each other only for when they've recovered and it's my time of need they're gone in a shot leaving my stood there with my pants down.

 

I'm fed up of it, I'm fed up of feeling like nothing is forever, never to relax because that's when things go wrong, I'm fed up of having to consider everyone cheating on you. I'm fed up of people who met there girlfriend of 1 month on tinder telling me that I will find the one, one day and when I least expect it, I'm fed up of caring for people that only pretend to feel the same. I just want it work with someone and stick by each other.

 

I know some of you will think I'm needy, full on or too much but trust me I'm not, i have my own life, I have a good job, I work hard, I have friends, I have a good social life. I guess this is just a rant to get things off my chest but I just hope that it gives people some comfort that they're not alone.

Edited January 29, 2017 by GeorgeWP93

[Mkn1010]

I couldn't agree more to everything you wrote. I have recently turned 30 and have zero luck with men, despite my friends finding relationships on apps like Tinder etc. I tend to put my all into things, I want something meaningful so the regular guy just runs away from me in fear.

 

 

All I can say is that society sucks and people are selfish self-serving a-holes!

[GeorgeWP93]

I don't want to feel this way I just don't see how anybody can ever make a relationship work, some of my friends are clingy, miserable and insecure in a relationship, I've learnt from my mistakes, I've been out with girls younger than me, ex flames come back and they're gone, I've been with girls that are older than me and they just take off as well. The last one was literally planning holidays less than a week before 'she's not happy' no explanation, no idea when it started and bang she's gone. How can you ever relax in a relationship because when I do they go?

[CaliforniaGirl]

I started dating in the early 80s, and it has always been complicated.

[Mkn1010]

I think all you can do is try to live without regret and act in a manner that leaves you proud of yourself. If you've done your best and put all of you into a relationship wholeheartedly and treated the other person well/acted appropriately etc then you should be proud of yourself as many people cannot even achieve this type of vulnerability in this world! And you will not be the one to have regrets as the other person made the choice to walk, not you, there's nothing you can do to guarantee someone will stay!

 

I like to think of it as being in training wheels for the real deal as each of these stories makes us a little bit better, even though we feel a whole lot worse at first! And you wanna be the best you if you're lucky enough to find that amazing girl. But I won't tell you a bunch of platitudes about how it'll happen for you blah blah as I don't know your future, just like I don't know mine. But I will say that there are few things more important than how we view ourselves and everything you described above is reason to love and be kind to yourself! You cannot control others and people are so incredibly flawed that sometimes lasting relationships today are a pipe dream. But if you can look in the mirror and love the person you are then rest is just a bonus

[GeorgeWP93]

I think all you can do is try to live without regret and act in a manner that leaves you proud of yourself. If you've done your best and put all of you into a relationship wholeheartedly and treated the other person well/acted appropriately etc then you should be proud of yourself as many people cannot even achieve this type of vulnerability in this world! And you will not be the one to have regrets as the other person made the choice to walk, not you, there's nothing you can do to guarantee someone will stay!

 

I like to think of it as being in training wheels for the real deal as each of these stories makes us a little bit better, even though we feel a whole lot worse at first! And you wanna be the best you if you're lucky enough to find that amazing girl. But I won't tell you a bunch of platitudes about how it'll happen for you blah blah as I don't know your future, just like I don't know mine. But I will say that there are few things more important than how we view ourselves and everything you described above is reason to love and be kind to yourself! You cannot control others and people are so incredibly flawed that sometimes lasting relationships today are a pipe dream. But if you can look in the mirror and love the person you are then rest is just a bonus

 

Thanks and I appreciate your replies I guess I'm an analysis, I always try to improve myself, I know where I've gone wrong in a lot of relationships, I know that I was maybe seeing the person just because it was nice but I feel like I need to understand the physcology of someone when they randomly decide that they're no longer happy with you and you don't have an incline and couldn't be happier.

 

I cannot comprehend just loosing feelings for somebody, numerous times it's happened to me I can honestly say that sometimes it's been my fault for loss of attraction but the last time, I had her besotted, I had my own life, I had her family and friends on my side asking me for advice with relationships, I was filled with compliments about how non judgemental I am. We both aren't lovey dovey, the banter was harsh and that's how I like it, nothing had changed. She says she supported me through my hard time, this month my aunts died, nan has been diagnosed with cancer, cousin is potentially not getting married through depression and anxiety, mother is in a relationship she hates, grandad is demented, not once did I get asked, 'you don't seem yourself George, what's up?' She invited me down and we spoke about things but never actively helped me mentally.

 

On the other hand when she was in hospital over Christmas I was there cleaning her flat for when her parents arrived, in January when she was having a hard time because of mental scars to do with her illness, I never lost attraction when she wasn't herself. This is what I don't understand about humans? Time and time again I get it reinforced that people truly are only in it for themselves, women have needlessly lied to my face when they had no reason to just to reap the benefits, these are supposedly nice girls.

 

You're thinking doormat, I can assure you I'm not I wouldn't be doing nice things for people to make myself miserable, I wouldn't drive them about only for the to ignore me when they don't want to talk to me as such.

[Mkn1010]

When you say that she never once asked you why you weren't yourself while all that awful stuff was going on for you, were you actually allowing her to be there for you? It's just something that stood out to me as I personally don't want someone who always puts on a brave face. I think sometimes we grow truly close to those that allow to see all vulnerabilities. Could it be that she felt you two weren't deeply connecting?

 

Being Mr Perfection is not how/why people love you. I know this well as I was very much like you and did a lot for my ex but it was more about me (on a subconscious level) thinking he would love me more for it. But that's called codependency, when your self worth is tied to constantly giving and doing for your significant other. Just throwing it out there!

[Eyebrows]

not once did I get asked, 'you don't seem yourself George, what's up?' She invited me down and we spoke about things but never actively helped me mentally.

 

On the other hand when she was in hospital over Christmas I was there cleaning her flat for when her parents arrived, in January when she was having a hard time because of mental scars to do with her illness, I never lost attraction when she wasn't herself. This is what I don't understand about humans? Time and time again I get it reinforced that people truly are only in it for themselves, women have needlessly lied to my face when they had no reason to just to reap the benefits, these are supposedly nice girls.

 

You're thinking doormat, I can assure you I'm not I wouldn't be doing nice things for people to make myself miserable, I wouldn't drive them about only for the to ignore me when they don't want to talk to me as such.

 

I felt this way about my ex. I had been there for her for a whole bunch of emotional drama. When I had problems I was obviously off but never vocalised them. One, because when I'd tried to she started to cry thinking it was about her. Two, because she'd said she wanted to be the strong one and it was coming off a trip where she cried every night for 10 days.

 

For me, it was a bleed on my brain that changed me. I'm OK now. And I felt, when she said the attraction wasn't there, "I just spent 10 days with you snapping at me, crying all the time, barely smiling, barely participating and you're saying I'm unattractive after I stood by you when you were at your lowest."

 

Unfortunately it doesn't work like that and she never owed me anything. Not in that sense. She does owe me £1400 in missed flights, hotels, transport etc.

 

Society hasn't ruined relationships though, people have been miserable in relationships for years, but now people have the freedom to leave them instead of living a life of quiet desperation and repression for fear of being judged

[ElizabethIII]

50 years ago, if a man wanted to live with a woman and have access to sex with her, he had to marry her.

 

Now hell fire: you can be dating someone for a long time, having sex and still be unsure if they are seeing others.

 

On here you are told on here not to expect to be exclusive until you've talked about it even for months.

 

People on here multi date even when you have found someone you like you dont give it a chance, you keep dating.

 

Too much choice. One thing everyone should ask themselves (which no one does anymore) when they are out looking for perfection in a partner and being picky: are you all that? What do YOU bring to the table yourself. People are so picky these days without having very much to offer themselves.

 

So many men on here are arrogant and go on about gold diggers....yes everyone wants a piece of your mediocre salary and your heavily mortgaged condo. Most of the time the men complaining about gold diggers dont actually have anything to take it is all their own grossly over inflated sense of self worth.

 

Everyone goes around being selfish and demanding for what they want without looking to themselves and seeing what they offer.

Edited January 30, 2017 by ElizabethIII

[GeorgeWP93]

I agree with you both completely, nobody I have ever been out with owed me a thing I don't blame them for the things they have done BUT when you build a relationship with someone, albeit 6 months wouldn't it be nice if sometimes they thought 'okay, this relationship hasn't been great for the last 2 weeks but he's a great guy, he's stuck by me, I know how much fun and the spark I got from this' I know people may get frustrated that they lose feelings, again it's not there fault but why does it happen, why don't I lose feelings?

 

Did I let her be there for me? She's the same as me, she said she doesn't need looking after, I understand but the fact is... I was there. I have always been through things alone, but I spoke to her about it and she listened but never actually asked if I was okay or dealing well with it, never said look it's okay to feel ****, come on let's go and do something. Everyone I go out with is the same even if they're different kinds of goals.

 

Often I date girls a few times and then realise it's not for me and have to explain that to them but never have I gotten involved with a girl and her friends and family and then decided that the 'sparks' not there, is the spark permenant? People have short memories, her friend who came to me whenever she needed advice, called me childish, immature when I reached out to her for some back...

 

Also eyebrows, exactly, did you feel like you didn't want to be with her during that time? I did, did I still love her? Yes, so I stuck by her and we got back to normal ways. Shoes on the other foot for them and they're gone.

[GeorgeWP93]

I must emphasise this is not just about the women in the latest breakup, it's tipped me over the edge and people in happy relationships will look at this and think pathetic but your relationship isn't secure as much as you think it is, it isn't.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Looking at my friends relationships, my parents relationships, my own relationships and the relationships of the posters on here, why is it so complicated? Gone are the days of meeting someone and sticking by each other, through the tough times, red flags, cheating, ex relationships, emotionally unavailable, unrealistic expectations and so on

 

Some of you will agree with me and find comfort that someone else is fed up with the society and dating scene of today, some will say it's part and parcel but let me expand on my point.

 

A lot is said about red flags and mostly I agree, for instance if the person you're seeing openly admits that they cheated in their past relationships, we've got a legit red flag but on this forum I see that if the person you're seeing is to affectionate to quickly this is a 'red flag' seriously?! We live in time where you cannot be happy that someone you're falling for feels the same?! Some say that seeing each other too much is a red flag, so after a hard day at work the girl I'm seeing invites me down to cook dinner and watch TV, I'm supposed to say no and sit on my own! Why do we have to look for such subtle little things in a relationship because if we don't notice them, three months down the line when she doesnt text you for three days before telling you that although she loves you she can't be with you

 

Which takes me onto my next point, I was recently completely blindsided by a girl I had been seeing for at least 6 months, one week we were planning a holiday in the summer, we had a weekend away the end of that week and the second day we were there she was off, and off all weekend, breaking up with me the day after we got back. Never have I lost feeling that quickly without drastic arguments or something major. I'm not angry at her, I'll angry at why it happens why people switch off when the sex, banter, flirting, activities and fun is still there. Do people want too much? Has the Hollywood movies of romance given us a false expectation that for the next 60 years we will have butterfly's in our stomach and day dream about each other?

 

Instantly people will tell me there was maybe somebody else in the picture, as they do to 90% of the people who have been dumped, but why do we have to worry about that? Why do people consider cheating? Finding emotional attention from elsewhere, just because it makes them feel good.

 

Almost every relationship has an ex involved, an ex that gets jealous when they move on and try's to worm there way in, sometimes they manage it, it never works out but people never learn.

 

A girl I was seeing friend once came to see her nearly in tears because the guy she was seeing had told her he didn't want a relationship but wouldn't see anybody else, she saw on his Snapchat he was, she was gutted, furious with him, he was a 28 year old jobless drug dealer, why was she even seeing him? But when she went out with a nice normal guy, she was bored instantly and had to break it off. Relationships are so predictable, people date the same people and get the same heart break every time. Relationships break down at the exact same point and follow the same routine of ending.

 

I've stuck by women in there time of need even if it wasn't giving me what I needed because I knew how good it could be and because I believe you should support each other only for when they've recovered and it's my time of need they're gone in a shot leaving my stood there with my pants down.

 

I'm fed up of it, I'm fed up of feeling like nothing is forever, never to relax because that's when things go wrong, I'm fed up of having to consider everyone cheating on you. I'm fed up of people who met there girlfriend of 1 month on tinder telling me that I will find the one, one day and when I least expect it, I'm fed up of caring for people that only pretend to feel the same. I just want it work with someone and stick by each other.

 

I know some of you will think I'm needy, full on or too much but trust me I'm not, i have my own life, I have a good job, I work hard, I have friends, I have a good social life. I guess this is just a rant to get things off my chest but I just hope that it gives people some comfort that they're not alone.

 

YEP!

 

I recall reading Ann Landers or Dear Abby in the newspaper and I'd hear these stories of World War 2 couples meeting and the encounter was pretty instantaneous.

 

The soldier: See that gal over there, that woman WILL be my wife!"

 

He goes up to her at the USO talks to her, and before you no it they marry have kids, grand kids, great grand kids and 75 years later still married. They stuck it out.

 

Society today is so fickle and people to LOOK for red flags I think. Like they are looking for a reason not to continue with the relationship.

 

People that BORE easily aren't someone I'd like to have in my life either, but some of these so-called "relationship experts" or pick-up artists tend to demand that men did something to "loose her interest level" That the burden is on the man to keep the woman interested throughout the course of the relationship. This is why you see women initiate most of the divorces, while the men remain content in the marriage. I mean, yeah, you're going to have lulls in the relationship and it'll never always be a honeymoon for you. It happens.

 

But yeah, stories like these women people are blind-sided kill me. lol. One day you're into each other, and the other...bye-bye.

 

People can't seem to stomach an inkling of trouble in a relationship either when the going gets tough.

 

Also, during the duration of which I was single for a while, I'd see friends' relationship fizzle out after 3 to 5 years. THat seems to be the ball park figure.

 

I kind of have to laugh at the two friends that hooked up in the beginning while I remained single for a few years then at the end of those few, mere years...they split.

 

That seems to be the relative average life span of a relationship. 3 to 5 years. Wonder what happens at the end of those years. Some want kids, the other doesn't. One person wants to marry, the other doesn't or just things fizzle out.

 

The other one is, 'We OUTGREW" each other, if there is EVER such a thing with people that are full grown adults. Or grew apart...there's always an excuse.

 

Too much choice.

 

To quote NEO, "The problem is choice."

Edited January 30, 2017 by LookAtThisPOst

[GeorgeWP93]

YEP!

 

I recall reading Ann Landers or Dear Abby in the newspaper and I'd hear these stories of World War 2 couples meeting and the encounter was pretty instantaneous.

 

The soldier: See that gal over there, that woman WILL be my wife!"

 

He goes up to her at the USO talks to her, and before you no it they marry have kids, grand kids, great grand kids and 75 years later still married. They stuck it out.

 

Society today is so fickle and people to LOOK for red flags I think. Like they are looking for a reason not to continue with the relationship.

 

People that BORE easily aren't someone I'd like to have in my life either, but some of these so-called "relationship experts" or pick-up artists tend to demand that men did something to "loose her interest level" That the burden is on the man to keep the woman interested throughout the course of the relationship. This is why you see women initiate most of the divorces, while the men remain content in the marriage. I mean, yeah, you're going to have lulls in the relationship and it'll never always be a honeymoon for you. It happens.

 

But yeah, stories like these women people are blind-sided kill me. lol. One day you're into each other, and the other...bye-bye.

 

People can't seem to stomach an inkling of trouble in a relationship either when the going gets tough.

 

Also, during the duration of which I was single for a while, I'd see friends' relationship fizzle out after 3 to 5 years. THat seems to be the ball park figure.

 

I kind of have to laugh at the two friends that hooked up in the beginning while I remained single for a few years then at the end of those few, mere years...they split.

 

That seems to be the relative average life span of a relationship. 3 to 5 years. Wonder what happens at the end of those years. Some want kids, the other doesn't. One person wants to marry, the other doesn't or just things fizzle out.

 

The other one is, 'We OUTGREW" each other, if there is EVER such a thing with people that are full grown adults. Or grew apart...there's always an excuse.

 

 

 

To quote NEO, "The problem is choice."

 

It was genuinely comforting reading that, makes me feel like I'm not insane LOL!

 

I once had a girl split up with me because she no longer felt the same (I have to admit I wasn't, I did get a bit needy towards the end but only because i knew she was withdrawing and I was naive) one of the reasons she dumped me was because I was no longer 'sure of myself' an example she gave was we were once having a meal at a burger bar, I liked 2 burgers and told her to pick one for me. Nothing was said until 2 weeks later and suddenly that makes me indecisive . I mean really?! Is that enough to put people off these days?

 

My Nan and Grandad are the same, see said there were many times she could have left him, I don't expect people to stay in unhappy relationships with people but what is the physcology behind leaving someone and losing feelings after a bad couple weeks when the relationship had been perfect up until that point?

[WaitingForBardot]

/...snip/

Society today is so fickle and people to LOOK for red flags I think. Like they are looking for a reason not to continue with the relationship.

/...snip.../

Also, during the duration of which I was single for a while, I'd see friends' relationship fizzle out after 3 to 5 years. THat seems to be the ball park figure.

 

I kind of have to laugh at the two friends that hooked up in the beginning while I remained single for a few years then at the end of those few, mere years...they split.

 

That seems to be the relative average life span of a relationship. 3 to 5 years. Wonder what happens at the end of those years. Some want kids, the other doesn't. One person wants to marry, the other doesn't or just things fizzle out.

/snip.../

I do believe there is something to the Look for red flags thing, not just for continuing but for starting relationships as well. One of the reasons I think I've been pretty successful in my relationships is that when I met someone, I'd think they have Qualities A, B, and C, and I like those, let's give it a shot, whereas the people I see struggling meet someone and see they have Qualities D, E, and F, and immediately decide those are dealbreakers, there is no hope. It's not that I don't have dealbreakers, just that my focus is on the good qualities someone brings to the table.

 

As to the 3-5 year thing, it's not actually something that happens at the end of those years, but rather by that point one can have made a good overall assessment of whether they want to stay with someone for the rest of their life. Most of my previous relationships spanned that time frame.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

We have come to live in a disposable society. No one is ever content with what they have (until it's gone). Trade up houses, cars, engagement rings, better looking partner, and on and on it goes. It's very sad.

[GeorgeWP93]

I do believe there is something to the Look for red flags thing, not just for continuing but for starting relationships as well. One of the reasons I think I've been pretty successful in my relationships is that when I met someone, I'd think they have Qualities A, B, and C, and I like those, let's give it a shot, whereas the people I see struggling meet someone and see they have Qualities D, E, and F, and immediately decide those are dealbreakers, there is no hope. It's not that I don't have dealbreakers, just that my focus is on the good qualities someone brings to the table.

 

As to the 3-5 year thing, it's not actually something that happens at the end of those years, but rather by that point one can have made a good overall assessment of whether they want to stay with someone for the rest of their life. Most of my previous relationships spanned that time frame.

 

EXACLTY how I feel, my friends can't see it and frankly I think my friends are fed up of talking about it, hence why it's a relief to post on here. But as you say, we look at the positive qualities in a person, and give it a go.

 

For example it used to annoy me that she used to talk to me while we were watching something really interesting on TV, did I lose attraction? Was it a deal breaker? Nope! Why? Because I liked that I had someone who could me a d*ck and I call her a tw*t and we would laugh about it.

 

Again I understand not everyone is a match and if it were that simple we would stay with the first person we meet but what makes all that chemistry, sparks and attraction disappear so quickly, when nothing has changed. Grass is greener? Honeymoon stage addicts? It's easier to not date I believe. Lol!

[elaine567]

... what is the psychology behind leaving someone and losing feelings after a bad couple weeks when the relationship had been perfect up until that point?

 

The trouble with that, is that the relationship was not "perfect" from the point of view of the dumper, was it?

Few, unless there is a hugely traumatic event ie cheating or an episode of physical/emotional abuse, will up and leave after JUST a bad two weeks.

Most will put up with a two week bad patch, BUT if there is underlying issues in the relationship then those bad two weeks can be the last straw.

[CloudyHead]

Everyone thinks there is a BBD - bigger better deal - out there. I really think that is the case. Everyone is focused on "me", which is fine until you are in a relationship. Why even be in a relationship if all you care about is yourself? But, since you are focused on the BBD, or think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you never immerse yourself in a relationship. You are merely waiting for the BBD to appear.

[Eyebrows]

Also eyebrows, exactly, did you feel like you didn't want to be with her during that time? I did, did I still love her? Yes, so I stuck by her and we got back to normal ways. Shoes on the other foot for them and they're gone.

 

Yes. I wouldn't have ended the trip for her if I hadn't. But it's different, given everybody here has suggested she's emotionally unstable. I don't think the person I fell for really existed. I think she manipulated and controlled me into loving her...maybe not intentionally...but through all her crazy marriage and baby talk after 2 weeks.

 

When I look at it I never got anything from her. Just words. On the other hand I was there:

-I was there for her when she dumper her ex and he was driving erratically and she thought she was going to die because he was having a panic attack and had to go to the hospital.

-I was there for her for her meltdown abroad, on my trip. This and the above two of the worst periods in her life.

-I was there for her when she needed reassurance, when she'd ask me if I still loved her and asked me never to leaver her.

-I was there for her when she had problems with her Mum

-I was there for her when she was crying at her Grandad's grave.

-When we broke up, I was drying her eyes and she was saying "Even now you just want to look after me."

 

The first time I needed something back and said I wasn't happy one day, bearing in mind my AVM had bled abroad and I hadn't known at the time, she cried and got upset.

 

I felt like the things I did for her in the 5 months was pretty above and beyond, tbh. Taking her to Europe after a couple of months on the trip of a lifetime because she asked to come? Changing my whole route so I could take her to Rome? Sacrificing that trip for her when it represented a year of my life, a year of planning and saving, when I'd based my career around it? Looking after her out there when she was having a meltdown?

 

But most of all finding out in January that I'd been doing it while suffering a minor haemorrhage...and I knew at the time I'd had focal seizures and a TIA and had kept everything in for her. Looking after your girlfriend, fair enough. But it took so much strength to push through it for her sake to try and give her a good time, to cook for her, crying with her, consoling her, running her baths, spending my evenings sorting out her phone, waiting around for 40 min in a museum so she could email home. Doing all that while undergoing a bleed that could have easily turned into a major haemorrhagic stroke? I thought that I deserved more.

 

I might have been too available and needy after the trip, but see above re: haemorrhage and I went OTT and probably smothered her because she said she'd ruined everything and was scared of losing me, and because she dumped her first boyfriend because she thought she didn't care. Of course I never told her about it at the time. It's possible that 'being there' so much was what led her to lose the attraction. But under those circumstances I couldn't do much else.

 

When I did tell her I'd had a bleed out there, when I told her I could have a stroke or rupture at any time, when I told her that I received that diagnosis 10 days prior to her breaking up with me and that I'd like to see her in case something happens during my brain surgery (which was pretty risky due to my AVM location but necessary) and that I thought she might regret not saying goodbye if it did, she accused me of harassment at work.

 

Then she looks at me like crap when I came back to work walking with a cane and wearing an eye-patch. Which was temporary. But still. She ran home and acted like she was scared of me.

 

I'd sent her a letter explaining about the AVM too. It's the only thing I did that might have been a bit...off. Given the circumstances I didn't think much of it. I showed it to a female friend who cried because she said it was the most beautiful thing she ever read. It was basically, if I die, I want you to know I'm proud of you and how much you've grown, things like that. She rang victim support because of it. But really, it was because she was with someone new, her third boyfriend from the same workplace in 9 months, and I suspect didn't want him finding out what she was like abroad, or that I have hundreds of messages from her calling me her "soulmate" and the "love of her life" and crying over missing me. It had been her pushing things all the time then just deciding she didn't like me because 'the trip made me re-evaluate how I feel'.

 

So it's different. Because she was nuts. And in that time period I don't know if I did want to be with her. I told my sister I was going to break up with her if it didn't improve. Wasn't ready for it when it happened though.

 

In that situation, I think it's particularly evil to let someone who had a pretty high % chance of not making it through surgery without becoming a vegetable or worse go into the theatre having them accuse them of harassment, but it's the same person who took me to look at baby clothes the week after I told her I lost a child and acts like that doesn't mean anything.

 

Not everyone is selfish though. It's a case of finding someone who genuinely does care when you're down. I have a platonic female friend and we both talk about things that are going on with us and when I've been crying my eyes out petrified of dying and of the surgery, she hasn't been scared one bit and I've likewise been there for her too.

Edited January 30, 2017 by Eyebrows

[Mrlonelyone]

he was a 28 year old jobless drug dealer, why was she even seeing him? But when she went out with a nice normal guy, she was bored instantly and had to break it off.

 

If he was 28 I can assume she was under 28. On average people's pre-frontal cortex...where better judgement lies...matures at 25. Give or take a few years full mental adulthood does not start until 25.

 

Adulthood begins at 25, says new research | The Independent

 

18 to 25 is "young adulthood" which is basically the same as being a older teenager with money and consequences. In other words. Young adult men and women are ruled by their instinctual emotions to choose the best they can get "right now" and with a short time horizon.

 

Hence, young women will choose worthless dirt bags because they are hot or exciting.

 

At the same time young men will choose worthless dirtbag women because they are hot or exciting.

 

This is the reason that all over the world marriages at that age were almost always arranged. Even peasant villager parents choose who their child would marry based on compatibility and economics.

 

In more recent times 50-100 years ago we stopped that in the west ... but people were made responsible for their actions when they were over about 13. If a 14 year old girl had sex with a 16 year old boy and they had a baby there would be a shotgun wedding. This gave everyone some clarity that who you chose to have sex with could change your life.

 

A positive result of that environment of consequences was that qualities like character and loyalty to friends ... and being a jerk to enemies ... and being able to make friends with enemies were valued.

 

 

Now as others have said we live in a consequence free world where everyone is disposable. This leads to it taking until 25 or even 30 for some people to realize that their are always going to be repercussions to life choices. Some never figure that out.

[GeorgeWP93]

The trouble with that, is that the relationship was not "perfect" from the point of view of the dumper, was it?

Few, unless there is a hugely traumatic event ie cheating or an episode of physical/emotional abuse, will up and leave after JUST a bad two weeks.

Most will put up with a two week bad patch, BUT if there is underlying issues in the relationship then those bad two weeks can be the last straw.

 

You're spot on I completely understand that but you've still not explained what I'm asking, why do the things that make them fall for you suddenly push them away? She obviously wasn't getting something from the relationship but what, she's not a serial dater, she is very independent, nothing had changed, I admit myself I no longer felt the butterfly's of excitement I had once felt when she invited me over but is that not normal? Did we argue, not as such, disagreements but the disagreements were never anything to do with the relationship.

 

Less than a week ago I was being invited to her parents in a foreign country for a holiday in August, I've already met them but we had plans, the days before we were split we were having sex and I was being invited to plans the following weekend.

 

Also when I reached out to a friend of hers more for closure or support, before I had even asked the question I had been called childish and sent a picture of them both with their fingers up. I probably deserved it but don't expect it from a friend of hers who was messaging me for advice in relationships the last few weeks and a girl who I supported through hard times.

[GeorgeWP93]

If he was 28 I can assume she was under 28. On average people's pre-frontal cortex...where better judgement lies...matures at 25. Give or take a few years full mental adulthood does not start until 25.

 

Adulthood begins at 25, says new research | The Independent

 

18 to 25 is "young adulthood" which is basically the same as being a older teenager with money and consequences. In other words. Young adult men and women are ruled by their instinctual emotions to choose the best they can get "right now" and with a short time horizon.

 

Hence, young women will choose worthless dirt bags because they are hot or exciting.

 

At the same time young men will choose worthless dirtbag women because they are hot or exciting.

 

This is the reason that all over the world marriages at that age were almost always arranged. Even peasant villager parents choose who their child would marry based on compatibility and economics.

 

In more recent times 50-100 years ago we stopped that in the west ... but people were made responsible for their actions when they were over about 13. If a 14 year old girl had sex with a 16 year old boy and they had a baby there would be a shotgun wedding. This gave everyone some clarity that who you chose to have sex with could change your life.

 

A positive result of that environment of consequences was that qualities like character and loyalty to friends ... and being a jerk to enemies ... and being able to make friends with enemies were valued.

 

 

Now as others have said we live in a consequence free world where everyone is disposable. This leads to it taking until 25 or even 30 for some people to realize that their are always going to be repercussions to life choices. Some never figure that out.

 

Very good point but she is 27/28 but obviously has the mental capacity of an 18 year old as when she started seeing the 'nice guy' I told her she would get bored, actually had a disagreement with my girlfriend about it. Sure enough she did, he may have just been boring but he got less of a chance than a drug dealer.

 

Another one of her friends, I don't want to slag them off too much because they're nice people, always accommodated me and she often told me how much happier my girlfriend was since she had been with me and I had really good chats with her but she's in a relationship with a fella she lives with and she is nervous to sh*t in her own home. How can that be a healthy relationship?

[GeorgeWP93]

Yes. I wouldn't have ended the trip for her if I hadn't. But it's different, given everybody here has suggested she's emotionally unstable. I don't think the person I fell for really existed. I think she manipulated and controlled me into loving her...maybe not intentionally...but through all her crazy marriage and baby talk after 2 weeks.

 

When I look at it I never got anything from her. Just words. On the other hand I was there:

-I was there for her when she dumper her ex and he was driving erratically and she thought she was going to die because he was having a panic attack and had to go to the hospital.

-I was there for her for her meltdown abroad, on my trip. This and the above two of the worst periods in her life.

-I was there for her when she needed reassurance, when she'd ask me if I still loved her and asked me never to leaver her.

-I was there for her when she had problems with her Mum

-I was there for her when she was crying at her Grandad's grave.

-When we broke up, I was drying her eyes and she was saying "Even now you just want to look after me."

 

The first time I needed something back and said I wasn't happy one day, bearing in mind my AVM had bled abroad and I hadn't known at the time, she cried and got upset.

 

I felt like the things I did for her in the 5 months was pretty above and beyond, tbh. Taking her to Europe after a couple of months on the trip of a lifetime because she asked to come? Changing my whole route so I could take her to Rome? Sacrificing that trip for her when it represented a year of my life, a year of planning and saving, when I'd based my career around it? Looking after her out there when she was having a meltdown?

 

But most of all finding out in January that I'd been doing it while suffering a minor haemorrhage...and I knew at the time I'd had focal seizures and a TIA and had kept everything in for her. Looking after your girlfriend, fair enough. But it took so much strength to push through it for her sake to try and give her a good time, to cook for her, crying with her, consoling her, running her baths, spending my evenings sorting out her phone, waiting around for 40 min in a museum so she could email home. Doing all that while undergoing a bleed that could have easily turned into a major haemorrhagic stroke? I thought that I deserved more.

 

I might have been too available and needy after the trip, but see above re: haemorrhage and I went OTT and probably smothered her because she said she'd ruined everything and was scared of losing me, and because she dumped her first boyfriend because she thought she didn't care. Of course I never told her about it at the time. It's possible that 'being there' so much was what led her to lose the attraction. But under those circumstances I couldn't do much else.

 

When I did tell her I'd had a bleed out there, when I told her I could have a stroke or rupture at any time, when I told her that I received that diagnosis 10 days prior to her breaking up with me and that I'd like to see her in case something happens during my brain surgery (which was pretty risky due to my AVM location but necessary) and that I thought she might regret not saying goodbye if it did, she accused me of harassment at work.

 

Then she looks at me like crap when I came back to work walking with a cane and wearing an eye-patch. Which was temporary. But still. She ran home and acted like she was scared of me.

 

I'd sent her a letter explaining about the AVM too. It's the only thing I did that might have been a bit...off. Given the circumstances I didn't think much of it. I showed it to a female friend who cried because she said it was the most beautiful thing she ever read. It was basically, if I die, I want you to know I'm proud of you and how much you've grown, things like that. She rang victim support because of it. But really, it was because she was with someone new, her third boyfriend from the same workplace in 9 months, and I suspect didn't want him finding out what she was like abroad, or that I have hundreds of messages from her calling me her "soulmate" and the "love of her life" and crying over missing me. It had been her pushing things all the time then just deciding she didn't like me because 'the trip made me re-evaluate how I feel'.

 

So it's different. Because she was nuts. And in that time period I don't know if I did want to be with her. I told my sister I was going to break up with her if it didn't improve. Wasn't ready for it when it happened though.

 

In that situation, I think it's particularly evil to let someone who had a pretty high % chance of not making it through surgery without becoming a vegetable or worse go into the theatre having them accuse them of harassment, but it's the same person who took me to look at baby clothes the week after I told her I lost a child and acts like that doesn't mean anything.

 

Not everyone is selfish though. It's a case of finding someone who genuinely does care when you're down. I have a platonic female friend and we both talk about things that are going on with us and when I've been crying my eyes out petrified of dying and of the surgery, she hasn't been scared one bit and I've likewise been there for her too.

 

Honestly, I feel like I genuinely have more empathy for you as a stranger than she did as your girlfriend. I know it's of no comfort to you but clearly she has mental issues deep down and needs to sort them, you're better off without someone who displays those things.

 

It's still frustrating because you were willing to do it for her in her time of need so why can't they show some mental strength back to you!

 

At least you're on the mend and if you ever need some advice you can message me on here anytime!

[Eyebrows]

Honestly, I feel like I genuinely have more empathy for you as a stranger than she did as your girlfriend. I know it's of no comfort to you but clearly she has mental issues deep down and needs to sort them, you're better off without someone who displays those things.

 

It's still frustrating because you were willing to do it for her in her time of need so why can't they show some mental strength back to you!

 

At least you're on the mend and if you ever need some advice you can message me on here anytime!

 

A rock probably had more empathy than her. To her credit, she did cry when she broke up with me and was upset that she'd hurt me, that she just didn't know what happened and she didn't feel the same way as she did at the beginning. She was so intense though, that was bound to wear off.

 

She just can't handle emotions and process things. It did kill a bit of my illusions about relationships, since it was perfect up until the trip, and since it had been her all the time talking about the future, going crazy over me and then not being able to even kiss me without glancing to the side like I was the most unattractive man in the world.

 

And being confident, funny, fun, chatty was hard in the aftermath of that bleed as I was still having the odd seizure. My confidence was shot and I almost literally didn't have the same personality due to the way my AVM affected my frontal lobe. I had been positive at the beginning and used to make her laugh all the time, our rapport was amazing.

 

Regardless of what happens after a break-up, and I don't think I was unjustified in needing some kind of answer three weeks after she meets my parents, you'd think that when someone you cared about had a risk of dying...not just an ex-lover, but an ex-friend and someone that you work with whose colleagues and friends you're going to have to see if he dies. Harassment doesn't make sense to me. It didn't make sense to management either, my retiring senior manager calling her a "selfish, self-centred cow" and an attention-seeker. She said that my ex had said something on the first day that had been really attention-seeking. And she was. All the photos she'd send...all the old schoolwork(???) she'd e-mail to me...attention, because she never got enough from her parents.

 

The truth is, she wanted a boyfriend more than she wanted me, wanted to show me off to her friends, realised she was attractive to men for the first time in her life, discovered sex and orgasm and foreplay and her body for the first time, then decided she could do better and left.

 

I'm hitting it off quite well with a girl at work but she has...I don't know, I haven't asked her, but I suspect it's aspergers or similar, she definitely has a type of learning disability, my senior manager told me as her daughter went to school with her...and she's genuinely sweet, not fake sweet, volunteers in her spare time, and it's kind of refreshing that due to the aspergers there is just a total kind of honesty about her whereas my ex just did things because she needs to feel liked. I'll see where it goes, but I'm reluctant to date at work again so may just keep her as a friend.

Edited January 30, 2017 by Eyebrows

[GeorgeWP93]

A rock probably had more empathy than her. To her credit, she did cry when she broke up with me and was upset that she'd hurt me, that she just didn't know what happened and she didn't feel the same way as she did at the beginning. She was so intense though, that was bound to wear off.

 

She just can't handle emotions and process things. It did kill a bit of my illusions about relationships, since it was perfect up until the trip, and since it had been her all the time talking about the future, going crazy over me and then not being able to even kiss me without glancing to the side like I was the most unattractive man in the world.

 

And being confident, funny, fun, chatty was hard in the aftermath of that bleed as I was still having the odd seizure. My confidence was shot and I almost literally didn't have the same personality due to the way my AVM affected my frontal lobe. I had been positive at the beginning and used to make her laugh all the time, our rapport was amazing.

 

Regardless of what happens after a break-up, and I don't think I was unjustified in needing some kind of answer three weeks after she meets my parents, you'd think that when someone you cared about had a risk of dying...not just an ex-lover, but an ex-friend and someone that you work with whose colleagues and friends you're going to have to see if he dies. Harassment doesn't make sense to me. It didn't make sense to management either, my retiring senior manager calling her a "selfish, self-centred cow" and an attention-seeker. She said that my ex had said something on the first day that had been really attention-seeking. And she was. All the photos she'd send...all the old schoolwork(???) she'd e-mail to me...attention, because she never got enough from her parents.

 

The truth is, she wanted a boyfriend more than she wanted me, wanted to show me off to her friends, realised she was attractive to men for the first time in her life, discovered sex and orgasm and foreplay and her body for the first time, then decided she could do better and left.

 

I'm hitting it off quite well with a girl at work but she has...I don't know, I haven't asked her, but I suspect it's aspergers or similar, she definitely has a type of learning disability, my senior manager told me as her daughter went to school with her...and she's genuinely sweet, not fake sweet, volunteers in her spare time, and it's kind of refreshing that due to the aspergers there is just a total kind of honesty about her whereas my ex just did things because she needs to feel liked. I'll see where it goes, but I'm reluctant to date at work again so may just keep her as a friend.

 

I think that's the worst part it ruins the fun of relationships when you're blindsided and when you think that you can never be weak because that's the biggest turn off to a woman and that as soon as you do they're gone. I don't like getting close to people because it opens you up to heartbreak and it's a weakness, it's made me feel as though I can never be completely happy in a relationship.

 

And the tears she shed could easily have been faked, most only do that for themselves, I can't remember the accurate story but I was out with a girl I was seeing (a friends brother), our friends, her parents and we were having a bit of banter, I said something and she burst into tears, i put my arm round her apologised, reassured her, told her I was joking only to find out 2 weeks later the reason she cried was because an old flame had text her, she had even come home with me that night.

 

Your ex should have been there for you when you needed her, you may have had a glorious relationship had she not jumped at the first hurdle, the harrasment stuff is outrageous, she clearly done it to make herself feel better, to convince herself that you were the one that was crazy and ease the guilt she felt. Madness when all you want is a genuine reply!

 

And like you I reached out to my ex and her friend because I felt like I needed more closure and a bit of support from the ones I supported and in the end I was told, I'm childish, a d*ck and was showing my true colours! Mental!

 

Also the peak of this girls interest was on a night out when I saw a girl I used to sees sister, things never ended badly and the girl was drunk, she gave me some lip I brushed it off but my ex went mental, I had to drag her home where she burst into tears apologising, telling me she didn't want anyone to get in between us and that she doesn't want to lose me over something like that or her ex. I genuinely believe that in order to keep a woman attracted you have to make them feel like you don't need them and could drop them like they never meant a thing to you and move onto the next one

Edited January 30, 2017 by GeorgeWP93