mar96 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 (edited) I'm 20 years old, and I am very unattractive(I'm a quite confident person though) and barely have had any friends since high school because I had social anxiety. One of my biggest regrets is not ever asking out girls. Really, I've never even asked out a girl before. I'm always constantly wondering how girls will respond if I asked them out. The thought of it has been getting me angry at myself because I've never even tried. So recently, I was thinking about doing this. Is a club a good way to do this? I just feel going to a club alone would feel very awkward. If this is weird, what are some places I can go to practice hitting on girls? Edited January 29, 2017 by mar96
Sweetfish Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 I'm 20 years old, and I am very unattractive(I'm a quite confident person though) and barely have had any friends since high school because I had social anxiety. One of my biggest regrets is not ever asking out girls. Really, I've never even asked out a girl before. I'm always constantly wondering how girls will respond if I asked them out. The thought of it has been getting me angry at myself because I've never even tried. So recently, I was thinking about doing this. Is a club a good way to do this? I just feel going to a club alone would feel very awkward. If this is weird, what are some places I can go to practice hitting on girls? Do not practice hitting on girls... practice being friendly with people. Clubs are not great places to meet people as they can be loud and you place your self in a competitive environment. 5
Author mar96 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Do not practice hitting on girls... practice being friendly with people. Clubs are not great places to meet people as they can be loud and you place your self in a competitive environment. What about bars?
Lilyana76 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Bars and pubs would be a better way to go, some little hole in the wall, thats quiet and friendly. Easy to strike up conversations with other people. Have you thought of joining groups that interest you? I started volunteering at a local cooking club, teaching people how to cook. Or, perhaps volunteer at a shelter feeding the homeless, or at the local human society walking the dogs. All good ways to meet people and strengthen your social skills. 1
Author mar96 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Bars and pubs would be a better way to go, some little hole in the wall, thats quiet and friendly. Easy to strike up conversations with other people. Have you thought of joining groups that interest you? I started volunteering at a local cooking club, teaching people how to cook. Or, perhaps volunteer at a shelter feeding the homeless, or at the local human society walking the dogs. All good ways to meet people and strengthen your social skills. Yes, but I don't have many interests and hobbies as I am kind of boring. My interests and hobbies are mostly things you would do by yourself.
Sweetfish Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Yes, but I don't have many interests and hobbies as I am kind of boring. My interests and hobbies are mostly things you would do by yourself. Ok.. so what are they
Lilyana76 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 One of my hobbies used to be cross stitching. That is something you do alone, but I know there is a club in town that gets together and cross stitches. Join a club of something you want to learn to do. Take a cooking course, or a club that builds robots out of legos, photography clubs. Honestly there are no limits as to what might be out there. Find something your curious about learning. Join a gym. Go for a walk at a dog park. Get yourself OUT there. 1
Author mar96 Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Ok.. so what are they Rc flying, model rocketry, listening to music, and I'm interested in science type things and science fiction movies. I don't do much and they're not things that girls do.
basil67 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Yes, but I don't have many interests and hobbies as I am kind of boring. My interests and hobbies are mostly things you would do by yourself. My hobbies pretty much revolve around craft and sewing. Solo activities which are overwhelmingly done by women. This doesn't stop me from being able to have a conversation about stuff with men. To connect with someone, you need to be able to discuss a little on many topics. You don't have to know much, just enough to keep the conversation flowing. And if you truly know nothing about the topic, then ask questions. Now, let's practice a bit of BS as if you were talking to a stranger in a pub. I challenge you to come up with a topic for each letter of the alphabet which you can talk a little about. I'll start you off with some topics straight from the top of my head: A: Android phones. (I have an Apple, so if you had an Android I could ask your opinion about it B: Beach. I love the beach C: Cats vs dogs D: Drinking. Yes, there are always some good drinking stories E: Equestrian. Hmmm...horses....outdoor activities F: Facebook. Love it? Hate it? See where I'm going here? It's just random stuff. But random stuff is all you need to have a conversation lead through different topics. If you can do A-Z, then you should have no problem BSing your way through a conversation. 1
basil67 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Then there are the standard topics which pretty much anyone your age can talk about. I'm 50, so I'm sure younger posters can offer many more ideas...but if I had to talk to someone your age here's a few things I'd be able to start with: College/Uni Part time work studying and life balance Moving out of home Music What HS you went to During all of these conversations, you should be looking for common ground and alter the conversation to follow that common ground when you find it. Or simply ask them more about their experiences.
basil67 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Rc flying, model rocketry, listening to music, and I'm interested in science type things and science fiction movies. I don't do much and they're not things that girls do. Girls listen to music!!! Music is a standard discussion topic for someone your age. And girls do Science and Engineering degrees. Granted, not as many do Engineering as boys, but many of us do have brains. 2
Sweetfish Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Rc flying, model rocketry, listening to music, and I'm interested in science type things and science fiction movies. I don't do much and they're not things that girls do. My first girlfriend I met in a a male dominated industry and was only 1 of 3 girls in the school of 2000 males and we didn't even shared the same classes nor schedule. There are MANY women in technology that like science fiction and im sorry your not going to see many of them in clubs or bars. Many women into cosplay or Doctor Who or Stargate and so on. You really need to plant your self in these environments.. And to be honest you don't have to find women that like these things in particular. Don't expect to not place your self out there and complain you're not getting women. Even high end businesses still advertise for attention. Samsung and Apple still have to put out ADs and commercials and promotions so why shouldn't you. 3
basil67 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Rc flying, model rocketry, listening to music, and I'm interested in science type things and science fiction movies. I don't do much and they're not things that girls do. Another idea from me: It's a fallacy that you need to have hobbies in common to talk to a girl. My hubby and I share very few hobbies. Hardly anything alike. But we've barely stopped talking since we met. Did you see the thing in the news? Oh, did you see the new shop in the local strip? I heard about this new restaurant. What do you think about this new song? Hey, our TV show is about to start. Whoa! what a great episode. My experience of relationships is that couples don't spend much time conversing about hobbies. It's more about just discussing random stuff. Hence being able to BS on many different things. Oh and switch the C in my A-Z suggestions to Comicon and Concerts. So many topics.... 3
PinkElephants Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Rc flying, model rocketry, listening to music, and I'm interested in science type things and science fiction movies. I don't do much and they're not things that girls do. Be very careful who you say this to when you go out. I'm a woman in a STEM field and would dismiss you immediately if you came at me with some judgmental crap like this. Despite what Sweetfish says women like me often go to bars so it's possible that you'd say it to the wrong person. Also, keep your expectations reasonable when approaching a woman or group of women at a bar. Plenty of times we go out to unwind or to catch up with friends and have no interest in being approached. The rejection isn't necessarily about you; they don't want to be bothered by anyone. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Well, given your social anxiety, putting yourself in a club environment will certainly put you outside of your comfort zone, which in fact is the way to start to overcome that issue. However, I wouldn't do that quite yet. It may be a little overwhelming to start out that way. I'd start "smaller" for practice. Like a bar, a smaller venue. I'm 20 years old, and I am very unattractive(I'm a quite confident person though) -- Let someone else decide for themselves whether you are attractive to THEM. Don't go out with the goal of "hitting on" girls. Go out, strike up a casual conversation and go from there. And, don't take it as a "rejection" if someone doesn't converse with you. Sometimes people just go out as a way to socialize, etc. without the intention of finding someone. 2
Alamo657 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 I'm 20 years old, and I am very unattractive(I'm a quite confident person though) and barely have had any friends since high school because I had social anxiety. One of my biggest regrets is not ever asking out girls. Really, I've never even asked out a girl before. I'm always constantly wondering how girls will respond if I asked them out. The thought of it has been getting me angry at myself because I've never even tried. So recently, I was thinking about doing this. Is a club a good way to do this? I just feel going to a club alone would feel very awkward. If this is weird, what are some places I can go to practice hitting on girls? Yes it will be. Judging from the position you're coming from, i suggest a 3-step program : 1) master socially acceptable hobbies you enjoy 2) make new friends within those hobbies 3) go to the gym you'll start being considered dating material by college girls. Then, you'll need to also earn a lot of money.
Author mar96 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 Another idea from me: It's a fallacy that you need to have hobbies in common to talk to a girl. My hubby and I share very few hobbies. Hardly anything alike. But we've barely stopped talking since we met. Did you see the thing in the news? Oh, did you see the new shop in the local strip? I heard about this new restaurant. What do you think about this new song? Hey, our TV show is about to start. Whoa! what a great episode. My experience of relationships is that couples don't spend much time conversing about hobbies. It's more about just discussing random stuff. Hence being able to BS on many different things. Oh and switch the C in my A-Z suggestions to Comicon and Concerts. So many topics.... Thanks, I appreciate your reply! You're saying that I don't need to have things in common, just social skills?
Author mar96 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 Yes it will be. Judging from the position you're coming from, i suggest a 3-step program : 1) master socially acceptable hobbies you enjoy 2) make new friends within those hobbies 3) go to the gym you'll start being considered dating material by college girls. Then, you'll need to also earn a lot of money. I agree with you but I don't want an attractive woman to use me for money. If I was rich, I would only want someone who wants me for who I am.
Author mar96 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 My first girlfriend I met in a a male dominated industry and was only 1 of 3 girls in the school of 2000 males and we didn't even shared the same classes nor schedule. There are MANY women in technology that like science fiction and im sorry your not going to see many of them in clubs or bars. Many women into cosplay or Doctor Who or Stargate and so on. You really need to plant your self in these environments.. And to be honest you don't have to find women that like these things in particular. Don't expect to not place your self out there and complain you're not getting women. Even high end businesses still advertise for attention. Samsung and Apple still have to put out ADs and commercials and promotions so why shouldn't you. What do you think about cold approaching girls in supermarkets, gyms, etc? Would that be considered putting myself out there? 1
Author mar96 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 (edited) Be very careful who you say this to when you go out. I'm a woman in a STEM field and would dismiss you immediately if you came at me with some judgmental crap like this. Despite what Sweetfish says women like me often go to bars so it's possible that you'd say it to the wrong person. Also, keep your expectations reasonable when approaching a woman or group of women at a bar. Plenty of times we go out to unwind or to catch up with friends and have no interest in being approached. The rejection isn't necessarily about you; they don't want to be bothered by anyone. I'm sorry if you took that wrong. I was referring to my hobbies like flying rc planes. I know many girls go into STEM fields, but I probably won't go into stem because I am joining the military soon and I will likely be going into another major. In that case, I won't have many avenues meet girls. Online dating is mostly about physical appearance. What do you think about cold approaching at supermarkets, gyms, the library, etc? Edited January 30, 2017 by mar96
basil67 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Thanks, I appreciate your reply! You're saying that I don't need to have things in common, just social skills? Exactly. However, I wouldn't recommend the cold approach thing. It has a very high failure rate and will set back your confidence tenfold. And back when I was young and pretty, I found cold approaches intrusive. Chatting with strangers (of all ages and genders) while killing time in a queue is a great way to hone your social skills, but leave it there. If you want to put yourself out there, stick with social situations. And don't talk in a library. Shhhhh.
preraph Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I agree clubs probably won't help you and that more activities will. Now, music is a great way to meet people. Go to local gigs of the kind of music you like. If anyone is dancing, you might ask someone to dance. But don't just try to pick up someone. Go to a place and the same type music and you'll see the same crowd and eventually people will get used to seeing you and say hi. It's how I met literally everyone I know. 1
Author mar96 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 Exactly. However, I wouldn't recommend the cold approach thing. It has a very high failure rate and will set back your confidence tenfold. And back when I was young and pretty, I found cold approaches intrusive. Chatting with strangers (of all ages and genders) while killing time in a queue is a great way to hone your social skills, but leave it there. If you want to put yourself out there, stick with social situations. And don't talk in a library. Shhhhh. Why did you find cold approaches intrusive?
Author mar96 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Posted January 30, 2017 I agree clubs probably won't help you and that more activities will. Now, music is a great way to meet people. Go to local gigs of the kind of music you like. If anyone is dancing, you might ask someone to dance. But don't just try to pick up someone. Go to a place and the same type music and you'll see the same crowd and eventually people will get used to seeing you and say hi. It's how I met literally everyone I know. what is your opinion on cold approaching? I've never asked out girls in high school at all, so I regret it. I want to know how women would respond if I just approached them in a supermarket, library, the gym, or any place that is casual.
basil67 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Why did you find cold approaches intrusive? a) Because I was doing errands - therefore he was bothering me. b) He doesn't know me. Therefore, he must be asking me out based on my appearance. I did not want to be dated for my looks. c) I don't know him. Why would I date a guy who I haven't had an engaging conversation with? d) I just find the whole concept icky. I'd have been much more likely to date someone who I got talking to at a party or social venue. A friend of a friend would be ideal. Do you have women in your social circle?
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