SilentiousBird Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 My boyfriend's sexual past is something we are both working toward moving forward from. Well, something I am working on. We have been together over 3 years and are making plans for our future. He slept around a lot before meeting me and it's taken a long time for me to be as okay with it as I am now. Two of those people were his best friend's wife's mother, and then a foursome with his best friend and his friend's (now) wife and a random waitress not long before meeting me, which he actually lied to me about initially. The wife and her mother look nearly identical so that's weird in itself. I don't have as much of a problem with his friend as I do his friend's wife. The impression that I got is that it was her idea for the foursome, and it was her way of being able to hook up with my boyfriend. From the behavior he's described of her, she seems to just be looking for a lot of attention and is attracted to my boyfriend. Aside from sleeping together, she also used one of his rifles to masturbate with in front of him. On her instagram, there's a photo from before I met my boyfriend, of my boyfriend and his friend on top of her (it looks like they're naked but who knows), and the caption is "I love these guys #rape." Then numerous photos of her half naked, half of which my boyfriend liked. And of course a photo of them from the night of their foursome saying "I had a great night." I've only been around this chick a handful of times. When my boyfriend and I were first dating, his friend and his wife stopped liking me after my boyfriend started devoting more time to me than them. I'm my boyfriend's first serious, long term relationship and he told me in the past he'd ditch his girlfriends to hang out with his best friend. We moved about two years ago and now live in a different state (again, that didn't go over well with my boyfriend's friends either). My boyfriend is now visiting his friend and his wife for the weekend after buying a plane ticket and not really discussing it with me. I'm realizing how I'm just not okay with the situation. I feel like it's going to come down to me or them. The amount of people he slept with is one thing, but I can't get over him sleeping with his best friend's wife AND her mother. I get that it happened in the past, but the fact that they're all friends still bothers me, and the way he acts toward me when he's with them isn't okay with me either. There's a lack of honesty on his end. He also practically ignores me when he's around them, which is unlike him usually. Typically he's the super-clingy type that would probably be permanently attached to me if he had the choice. Aside from all of this, he's an amazing guy and that's why I'm trying to work through my insecurities with his past. But my issue with his friend and his wife: am I being irrational or are my insecurities justified? I don't feel right telling him who he can be friends with, but I don't feel okay with him being around her. I feel stuck.
BluesPower Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Do you not realize that he is in to group sex with this group of friends? It may or may not be a typical swinging situation but that is basically what it is. He is going to a party and they are going to all have sex together. I mean that is really obvious. If he is not telling you the truth about it then it is time to get out. If you don't approve of swinging and group sex the you two are completely incompatible. You need to end it if that is the case... 2
PinkPampies Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Boy oh boy. Sorry you're going through this. I would say big red flag on the play in buying the plane ticket without discussing it with you. In this kind of relationship, you need clear, concise boundaries, considering the past ant how he treats you when he's around them. I think you know what's going to happen when he visits them. And that he didn't ask you your thoughts or offer to bring you would be the end play for me. There's no way I could continue the relationship.
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 I don't have as much of a problem with his friend as I do his friend's wife. The impression that I got is that it was her idea for the foursome, and it was her way of being able to hook up with my boyfriend. From the behavior he's described of her, she seems to just be looking for a lot of attention and is attracted to my boyfriend. Aside from sleeping together, she also used one of his rifles to masturbate with in front of him. On her instagram, there's a photo from before I met my boyfriend, of my boyfriend and his friend on top of her (it looks like they're naked but who knows), and the caption is "I love these guys #rape." Then numerous photos of her half naked, half of which my boyfriend liked. And of course a photo of them from the night of their foursome saying "I had a great night." My boyfriend is now visiting his friend and his wife for the weekend after buying a plane ticket and not really discussing it with me. I'm realizing how I'm just not okay with the situation. I feel like it's going to come down to me or them. The amount of people he slept with is one thing, but I can't get over him sleeping with his best friend's wife AND her mother. I get that it happened in the past, but the fact that they're all friends still bothers me, and the way he acts toward me when he's with them isn't okay with me either. There's a lack of honesty on his end. He also practically ignores me when he's around them, which is unlike him usually. Typically he's the super-clingy type that would probably be permanently attached to me if he had the choice. Why do you know all of these details at all? Did he tell you to brag? Why did you start dating this man at all? To this day he has pictures online of him with other women attached to a tag #rape. Like really?? How many brain cells does he have left? Than a series of pictures of her half naked he liked. So anyone else following him can see this, again really!?? How much respect do you lack toward your gf to keep those up? These should be taken down and those like - unliked. Then combine this with him ignoring you when he's with them...........C'mon girl. That is really the man you picked for yourself? 3
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 There are "irrational insecurities" which we all get over. BUT here this is not irrational insecurity, this is your bf and his friends slapping you in the face with things that few women on the planet would put up with. They have unfinished business with each other and you are the outsider. He didn't buy you a plane ticket as you are not part of the "group". I am sure they are not baking cookies and doing crossword puzzles this weekend. Give it up as a bad job. They are not going anywhere anytime soon, so this could plague your whole life. Get out before you add kids to the mix and you are really stuck. I am sure you can find another "amazing" man to spend your life with.
phineas Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Why do you know all of these details at all? Did he tell you to brag? Why did you start dating this man at all? To this day he has pictures online of him with other women attached to a tag #rape. Like really?? How many brain cells does he have left? Than a series of pictures of her half naked he liked. So anyone else following him can see this, again really!?? How much respect do you lack toward your gf to keep those up? These should be taken down and those like - unliked. Then combine this with him ignoring you when he's with them...........C'mon girl. That is really the man you picked for yourself? This? How does she know? usually i just tell people it's none of their business who i've been with when they ask. I've slept with most of the women in my social circle at least once but i try not to broadcast it to everyone. but when one of the women are hanging all over you while out in a group people can tell. However i was with one woman and while we were in the act she asked me if i slept with a common friend. I tried to avoid answering the question but it was hard to think at the time and i admitted it. she wanted to keep going. lol. I'm sure that will come back and bite me in the ass at some point.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Why do you know all of these details at all? Did he tell you to brag? Why did you start dating this man at all? To this day he has pictures online of him with other women attached to a tag #rape. Like really?? How many brain cells does he have left? Than a series of pictures of her half naked he liked. So anyone else following him can see this, again really!?? How much respect do you lack toward your gf to keep those up? These should be taken down and those like - unliked. Then combine this with him ignoring you when he's with them...........C'mon girl. That is really the man you picked for yourself? Exactly what I was coming here to write. No offense OP, but your guy doesn't sound like any prize. What one does behind closed doors is personal, but they openly flaunt and publicize it. There is zero discretion or class here, from all of them. 1
Marc878 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 If you and your BF are going to have any meaningful relationship these friends have to go permanently as in forever no contact. It's not insecurity on your part just reality. He dumps them or you move on. If he can't you'll just linger in a bad situation unless you can live with an open relationship. His friends wife will see to it theirs plenty of sex involved during his visit. Bank on that. 1
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 His friends wife will see to it there's plenty of sex involved during his visit. Bank on that. ..not to forget the mother too 3
Marc878 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 ..not to forget the mother too Bwahahahah! Especially her!
Author SilentiousBird Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Geez... these replies have been harsher than I was expecting. I know about most of his sexual history because I asked. He's reluctant in sharing most of the time and says he regrets everything. The instagram photos are on the wife's page, not my boyfriend's. His friend and the wife is a sensitive subject for us so bringing it up is like beating a dead horse. He knows how I feel but I guess I haven't felt justified in saying I don't want them in our lives. I know he didn't invite me because he knows I want nothing to do with them. I don't want them visiting us so my boyfriend went ahead to go visit them. I guess I feel like now I'm defending him when maybe I shouldn't be. I've always felt like this is just something I have to accept and get over. I know if I tell him I don't want him to be friends with them anymore, he'll resent me.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Geez... these replies have been harsher than I was expecting. I know about most of his sexual history because I asked. He's reluctant in sharing most of the time and says he regrets everything. The instagram photos are on the wife's page, not my boyfriend's. His friend and the wife is a sensitive subject for us so bringing it up is like beating a dead horse. He knows how I feel but I guess I haven't felt justified in saying I don't want them in our lives. I know he didn't invite me because he knows I want nothing to do with them. I don't want them visiting us so my boyfriend went ahead to go visit them. I guess I feel like now I'm defending him when maybe I shouldn't be. I've always felt like this is just something I have to accept and get over. I know if I tell him I don't want him to be friends with them anymore, he'll resent me. Then you have to decide where your boundaries are. At the moment, it doesn't appear you've been able to define that. You're either okay with him hanging out with them, or you're not. As is stands, you don't want to be friends with them but he obviously does. I would suspect most people would not be comfortable with this friendship. It's not just you feeling insecure. And yes, you're right that he will probably resent you if you ask him to cut contact, because he has very different boundaries than you do. He evidently sees no issue with continuing the friendship, so you have a choice to make. You two have different ideas as to what constitutes appropriate conduct in a relationship. Is this a deal-breaker for you, or not?
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 I guess I feel like now I'm defending him when maybe I shouldn't be. I've always felt like this is just something I have to accept and get over. I know if I tell him I don't want him to be friends with them anymore, he'll resent me. YOU don't need to accept or get over anything. Problem here is that he may end up resenting you but you will end up resenting him for "hanging out" with them. YOU are trying soooo sooo hard to make a round peg fit into a square hole whilst he carries on as per usual. YOU are the one who is hurting here, you are the one who is eaten up with jealousy and insecurity, but you are vainly trying to rationalise it. He is just visiting two/three old friends, you need to remain calm and nothing untoward will happen... Yeah right! We know, you know what is really going on here. He didn't invite you, not because he knows you do not like them, he didn't invite you as he didn't want you there... By ignoring you when you were around them, he actually set you up to not like them, he introduced distance as that actually suits him and I guess them too.
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