Doubting myself. Did I expect too much?

[codelock]

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me a few days ago and I'm feeling pretty upset. I keep replaying what happened as I didn't sense any real issues and honestly felt we could/should be together. He's also had 0 experience with serious relationships so that played a big factor as I am his first girlfriend ever (we are in our mid and late 20s by the way).

 

As I don't want this to screw up my future dating relationships, I wanted to ask something. What triggered our breakup is we were having a nice conversation on the phone and he started changing plans a ton, partially canceling dates (for instance we are supposed to have a full day for a date and he cancels the morning/afternoon part so we only see each other in the evening) or making dates that involved friends the entire time. I like hanging out with friends but it was dates where we would never be alone together, even at night, like 0 alone time together except the 10 minute train ride.

 

I have a ton of friends and a very active social life. I'm also easygoing in that I'm happy if I see my boyfriend twice a week, but having quality time is important. I asked him in a kind way, if something was off as I was feeling we would not get much quality time together and I'd like to spend more quality time with him. Keep in mind we had been apart for a few weeks before this, since normally I'd be okay with an off week of not seeing him.

 

He sounded very irritated with me and tried carving out time for me, but I could tell he was annoyed and didn't want to. For instance, he said he could see me Friday night but it would have to be at 930PM and it sounded like a chore to him. I asked him kindly (and admitted I could be 100% wrong) if he was losing interest in our relationship and he got really upset and irritated with me and that is what triggered our breakup, a few minutes later. I just keep replaying what happened and am not sure if I made a mistake by letting him know I desired more quality time and asking if he was still interested in me?

 

It's possible this may have always been an issue. A couple of months ago he had commented, due to work stress, that he'd like to only see me on the weekend (which sucks as we only live a 5 minute drive from each other). He did change his mind on this though. He also tried to make it out like I didn't want him to spend time with his friends, which felt ridiculous as he spent time with them several times a week (without me) and was agreeing to plans with them without planning anything with me first.

 

For me communication, honesty and openness are essential to a healthy relationship but in this case, being open about my feelings seemed to backfire. I'm not sure if I messed up here or if I'm taking on way too much responsibility?

[angel.eyes]

Once he decreased how frequently he saw you despite only living five minutes away, that was the first big neon sign that he was no longer invested in the relationship's future in the same way that you were. Then throw in that he started dragging his friends along on your dates and severely limited how much time you actually spent together alone (e.g. ten minutes on the train ride after spending all night with his buddies and you). The writing was on the wall for quite a while! Sorry, he had no interest in being with you anymore once all of this started. It sounds like he was hoping it would be so unacceptable to you that you would do the dirty work and break up with him. Instead you kept bending over backwards trying to understand and "reason" with him until he finally just had to do his own dirty work.

 

People break up all the time. Three to six months is a pretty typical window. There is nothing that you could have done to save this or salvage it. It was in the relationship graveyard. It was just a matter of who hammered the final nail in the coffin and tossed the dirt over that coffin.

[preraph]

Honestly, what it sounds like to me is he likes to hang out with his friends more than you and may only want you around when it's time for making out. And he doesn't even sound that bent on making time for that even. I think he was already on his way out the door when you gave him an opening that made it easier for him. I wouldn't feel bad about expressing your needs to him. Truth is he and you just aren't that compatible and he isn't looking for a bunch of intimate togetherness like you are. You can find someone who is, so go do that.

 

Good luck.

[angel.eyes]

Honestly, what it sounds like to me is he likes to hang out with his friends more than you and may only want you around when it's time for making out. And he doesn't even sound that bent on making time for that even. I think he was already on his way out the door when you gave him an opening that made it easier for him. I wouldn't feel bad about expressing your needs to him. Truth is he and you just aren't that compatible and he isn't looking for a bunch of intimate togetherness like you are. You can find someone who is, so go do that.

 

By the end, he didn't even seem that interested in making out if he's limiting their "alone" time to the ten-minute train ride home. Most people aren't making out on a train while others, including children, are watching them. Unfortunately, it sounds like he was doing his best to avoid any solo time with her.

[codelock]

By the end, he didn't even seem that interested in making out if he's limiting their "alone" time to the ten-minute train ride home. Most people aren't making out on a train while others, including children, are watching them. Unfortunately, it sounds like he was doing his best to avoid any solo time with her.

 

My post may have misinterpreted the situation. We had a date for Saturday with scheduled alone time. However, he cut that from a full day to half of the day, and obviously I would have slept over. He did not sound unenthusiastic, he just simply said, oh we will hang out instead at these times which kind of hurt as we had not seen each other for a few weeks. We went on 2 dates the week prior, but had literally not seen each other for a few weeks due to vacations for holidays so I was expecting that we would be spending more quality time together.

 

He also offered to make time the Friday night beforehand but it sounded like he wasn't that enthused about it. He did try to compromise a bit, but I could tell he sounded annoyed or enthused which initiated my conversation about whether his interest had diminished.

 

When he broke up with me, in person, he was crying and clearly very emotional. I also noticed that night, that we both could not sleep as he was on Facebook messenger at 5am, so I don't think his emotions weren't in i or were completely gone. He's not an emotional guy at all, so although he may have been on his way out, I do not think he disliked spending time with me. When we saw each other last week, he seemed crazy about me and had to go at 730am the next morning but ended up staying in bed till 930am just to talk to me.

Edited January 28, 2017 by codelock

[basil67]

You've received excellent advice so far. The only thing I would add is to not ask if he's losing interest in the relationship. Just state your own needs, watch quietly and act as appropriate.

[preraph]

He was probably emotional because he knew he was hurting you. Even guys who cheat and then dump you may tear up if they like you as a person but just know they aren't going to stay with you.

[angel.eyes]

My post may have misinterpreted the situation. We had a date for Saturday with scheduled alone time. However, he cut that from a full day to half of the day, and obviously I would have slept over. He did not sound unenthusiastic, he just simply said, oh we will hang out instead at these times which kind of hurt as we had not seen each other for a few weeks. We went on 2 dates the week prior, but had literally not seen each other for a few weeks due to vacations for holidays so I was expecting that we would be spending more quality time together.

He also offered to make time the Friday night beforehand but it sounded like he wasn't that enthused about it. He did try to compromise a bit, but I could tell he sounded annoyed or enthused which initiated my conversation about whether his interest had diminished.

Five months into a healthy growing relationship, the couple is doing everything possible to increase the frequency and length of time they spend together...alone with each other. You lived five minutes apart!!! Five minutes! Yet you were going for weeks between sightings?!? And when you finally spend time together, he's finding ways to cut it back or drag his friends along. Sorry, but you need to learn to read cues in a relationship. He might spend a couple of extra hours when you finally snag some time on his calendar, but his overall interest was underwhelming at best.

 

 

When he broke up with me, in person, he was crying and clearly very emotional.

All breakups involve tears! It's not uncommon for the dumper to cry. He's hurting you. Aside from bona fide masochists, no one enjoys hurting someone else. Additionally, it's the end of something he once thought might be special but now realizes isn't.

 

I also noticed that night, that we both could not sleep as he was on Facebook messenger at 5am, so I don't think his emotions weren't in i or were completely gone.

How do you know he wasn't on Facebook chatting up a new girl? Or playing games with his friends?

 

In part you were blindsided by the breakup because you insist on assuming the other person feels exactly what you do and is as invested as you are...even when their actions clearly indicate otherwise.

 

He's not an emotional guy at all, so although he may have been on his way out, I do not think he disliked spending time with me. When we saw each other last week, he seemed crazy about me and had to go at 730am the next morning but ended up staying in bed till 930am just to talk to me.

 

And yet he broke up with you. That indicates he doesn't want to spend time with you. So does the fact that, once he lost interest, he went weeks without seeing you, hauled his crew on your dates and prioritized spending time with his friends over you.

 

I'm trying to understand why you're excusing away his behavior, even after he finally broke up with you. What purpose is served by insisting things were fine when they clearly weren't?

[Miss Spider]

My post may have misinterpreted the situation. We had a date for Saturday with scheduled alone time. However, he cut that from a full day to half of the day, and obviously I would have slept over. He did not sound unenthusiastic, he just simply said, oh we will hang out instead at these times which kind of hurt as we had not seen each other for a few weeks. We went on 2 dates the week prior, but had literally not seen each other for a few weeks due to vacations for holidays so I was expecting that we would be spending more quality time together.

 

He also offered to make time the Friday night beforehand but it sounded like he wasn't that enthused about it. He did try to compromise a bit, but I could tell he sounded annoyed or enthused which initiated my conversation about whether his interest had diminished.

 

When he broke up with me, in person, he was crying and clearly very emotional. I also noticed that night, that we both could not sleep as he was on Facebook messenger at 5am, so I don't think his emotions weren't in i or were completely gone. He's not an emotional guy at all, so although he may have been on his way out, I do not think he disliked spending time with me. When we saw each other last week, he seemed crazy about me and had to go at 730am the next morning but ended up staying in bed till 930am just to talk to me.

 

 

There is absolutely no excuse for living so close and seeing each other so rarely. That's why instead of acknowledging it and trying to work on it, like a mature adult, he got defensive, upset, and broke up with you. Spending time with you should be a reprieve from "work stress", but instead he'd rather hang with friends. Something really wrong with this picture.

[morrowrd]

He was looking for reasons to get out of the relationship. Planning dates involving friends, what an obvious way to create barriers between you two, using group dates. He doesn't have the backbone to just be honest with you, so he's using this passive approach to either get you to break up with him, or to create circumstances that make it impossible to have a relationship. Since you are (were) his first girlfriend, I'm guessing he wants to date others, maybe he's already doing that. That would explain the need to have so much separation time.

 

In a relationship where the two of you are into each other, you don't find it a chore to be together. Twice a week with weeks in between, that's ridiculous. You should expect more from a boyfriend.

[codelock]

He was looking for reasons to get out of the relationship. Planning dates involving friends, what an obvious way to create barriers between you two, using group dates. He doesn't have the backbone to just be honest with you, so he's using this passive approach to either get you to break up with him, or to create circumstances that make it impossible to have a relationship. Since you are (were) his first girlfriend, I'm guessing he wants to date others, maybe he's already doing that. That would explain the need to have so much separation time.

 

In a relationship where the two of you are into each other, you don't find it a chore to be together. Twice a week with weeks in between, that's ridiculous. You should expect more from a boyfriend.

 

Thanks for all your advice. The weeks apart were mandatory. We both were on vacation for the holidays. I was away to go to my brother's wedding in a place that is a flight away. We skyped and called each other, so no, if we were in the same city, we would have NOT gone weeks without seeing each other. Before the holiday period, we were seeing each other regularly and had even gone on a 4 day holiday together.

 

I appreciate your advice, but I think with the distance he went back to hanging with his friends and being back in the single mode again. Obviously being single was more enticing than being with me, which means that yes, his feelings were underwhelming.

 

I'm not making excuses for him, but I'm also not going to make him out like a total jerk who was seeing other women while we were together. And if he did, and I don't know about it, well that's just it, I don't know and don't suspect that. I'm not going to assume the absolute worst about this guy.

[angel.eyes]

No one is claiming he was seeing other women. Just that he wasn't interested in dating you for whatever reason. As I said earlier, he seemed to be hoping you would find things unacceptable and break up. When you didn't, he was forced to put an end to things himself.

 

Why didn't he go to the wedding with you?

Why didn't he see you the day you got back? The day you left?

 

I travel extensively. My BF makes sure he sees me off and is there as soon as I get back. We still manage to spend a majority of our time together. Neither of us would entertain the concept of going weeks without seeing each other. But that's because we're both heavily invested and eager to see each other. A discussion about seeing each other doesn't lead to the annoyance and reluctance you described earlier.

 

If you focus on the other person's choices and actions, rather than blindly proceeding full steam ahead because you're interested, you'll pick up on cues when things aren't going well earlier on and cut your losses sooner. Unfortunately, here you continued to invest emotionally in something that was dying.

[Miss Spider]

Thanks for all your advice. The weeks apart were mandatory. We both were on vacation for the holidays. I was away to go to my brother's wedding in a place that is a flight away. We skyped and called each other, so no, if we were in the same city, we would have NOT gone weeks without seeing each other. Before the holiday period, we were seeing each other regularly and had even gone on a 4 day holiday together.

 

I appreciate your advice, but I think with the distance he went back to hanging with his friends and being back in the single mode again. Obviously being single was more enticing than being with me, which means that yes, his feelings were underwhelming.

 

I'm not making excuses for him, but I'm also not going to make him out like a total jerk who was seeing other women while we were together. And if he did, and I don't know about it, well that's just it, I don't know and don't suspect that. I'm not going to assume the absolute worst about this guy.

 

 

U can't accuse him of cheating, you're right. I think you're also 100% right that he went back to single mode. Especially if it's his mid-late 20s and first relationship ever, he's probably really accustomed to singlehood. And I don't mean just playing the field, I mean not having to share his life with someone else, not having to compromise for someone else. It would take really strong feelings to pull him out of that. He couldn't handle the commitment and I think he was genuine upset the relationship failed because of it.

[codelock]

U can't accuse him of cheating, you're right. I think you're also 100% right that he went back to single mode. Especially if it's his mid-late 20s and first relationship ever, he's probably really accustomed to singlehood. And I don't mean just playing the field, I mean not having to share his life with someone else, not having to compromise for someone else. It would take really strong feelings to pull him out of that. He couldn't handle the commitment and I think he was genuine upset the relationship failed because of it.

 

Thanks for this. To the prior poster, he did see me the day I got back. I got back on a Wednesday so he saw me after work. Just like we saw each other the last day we were both in the same place. We also had our second and final date the following Saturday, which was perfect as I was very jet lagged and had to get right back into work.

 

He couldn't come with me to the wedding as it was in another country and I paid $1500 for that flight alone. A bit too much to ask for 5 months together.

 

Thanks for your response cookiesanddough! Yes, I'm sad the relationship failed too. He's really into family and I know family is very important to him. He genuinely did want a long term relationship, and him not having one has been a source of anxiety for him. I hope that one day he will overcome these barriers so he can be closer to having a real relationship with someone and not just a 5 month relationship that barely got off the ground.

 

I'm taking this as a learning lesson. When I learned his past relationship history, I didn't want to judge and I wanted to give him a chance. Now I know to only date guys who have some relationship experience.