sharlott Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 Hi everybody, I have been together with my boyfriend for five years. He has always been somewhat reluctant about talking about future. Now he has started to talk more about having kids. He regularly tells me that he loves me. My problem is, I feel very insecure, because at least two-three times a year he also tells me that we should break-up. It happens during the fights. Last time was one month ago. He got really furious after I pointed out that some other people besides me have complained to me how he keeps blaming them for his emotions. He told me how if I think he is so bad, we should just break-up. He also told me that he hopes I will have better luck next time. I waited one minute and then apologized for hurting him. He then told me it was too late and he does not accept my apology. He later also told me that the only reason I apologized was my abandonment fear and because I do not want him to leave me (it was untrue, I actually apologized because I saw how much I hurt him). However, I never got any apology from him. This is just one of these examples. If this happens, he assumes that it was somehow my fault that I pushed him so far. I tried to talk to him about this and he told me, that he just gets frustrated. That he really feels the relationship is not working and leading anywhere during these moments. I feel that this behavior is seriously undermining my security. It feels like whenever we have a bigger fight, he is ready to leave the ship. Any advice?
Purepony Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 My guess is something has been happening that you don't know about maybe he met someone else maybe he's got his eye on someone else or maybe something happened where he is now having second thoughts I've been through that feeling and I'll tell you the only time I have those ideas or thoughts is when I feel or see someone else I want 1
basil67 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 (edited) He's not suggesting you should break up. He's telling you that if you can't accept him as he is, then you should move on. It's actually quite a different thing. That said, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who blames yourself and others for his emotions? And why did you apologise for pointing out the facts? How can problems be resolved if you aren't able to discuss them? He sounds like a very poor choice of partner to me Edited January 28, 2017 by basil67 3
enddeck Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 You need to stop this behaviour right now or it will never end.The next time he threatens to leave tell him you are not trying to stop him.Tell him that you want a relationship with him but you don't need him.He sees himself as the prize and thinks you should consider yourself lucky he is with you,the longer you let this go on the harder it will be to stop.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 He sounds like a very poor choice of partner to me Agreed. sharlott, do you see how passive/aggressive his behavior is? He claims your desire that he be accountable for his behavior has pushed him beyond accountability. Pretty common tactic - he's not the bad guy for modeling the behavior, you're the problem for pointing it out. In your position, I'd be worried about the ability to deal long-term with the really big stuff, the kinds of things life drops into the middle of any serious relationship. He seems vested in seeing himself as the victim, which will always make you the perp. I'd be careful... Mr. Lucky 1
basil67 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 You need to stop this behaviour right now or it will never end.The next time he threatens to leave tell him you are not trying to stop him.Tell him that you want a relationship with him but you don't need him.He sees himself as the prize and thinks you should consider yourself lucky he is with you,the longer you let this go on the harder it will be to stop. Enddeck, I agree with you 100%. However, I'm going to tweak your wording because the OP's partner is sneaky and he will argue at the semantics and confuse the OP. OP, he's not suggesting that he should leave. He's suggesting that YOU should leave. So instead of telling him that you're not trying to stop him leaving (at which, he will reply something about how he didn't suggest he should leave) you tell him "You're right. This relationship isn't working for me and I am leaving". It will be much harder for him to play you if you're agreeing with him.
aileD Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 He's using this behavior to control you. Instead of dealing with he real issue he'll : -threaten to leave you -call you psycho or turn it around on you -stonewall you (silent treatment) Any of this sound familiar? It's emotional abuse. This is not the type of man you want to be with
basil67 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 I think it's also worth mentioning that this is a long distance relationship and at present neither of them wants to move to the other one's country.
Author sharlott Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Thank you all for your answers. No, we are not in a long-distance relationship, we live together. I do as well suspect that, his behavior is somewhat manipulative. To me it seems that he does not care enough about the relationship if he is ready to ditch it because of some behavior of mine. However, I also do understand that this is his defenses coming up. Hence the understanding. Last time when he did this, I could see how hurt he was, so I apologized for hurting him. However, I am now starting to understand how insecure his behavior makes me feel.
darkmoon Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 one of you will have to stop doing what you are doing for your relatonship to work, no blame, just how it is
Mr. Lucky Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 However, I also do understand that this is his defenses coming up. Hence the understanding. Last time when he did this, I could see how hurt he was, so I apologized for hurting him. However, I am now starting to understand how insecure his behavior makes me feel. So he acts like an ass, you call him on it and you end up having to apologize for hurting his feelings? Hopefully he's working in sales, sounds as though he'd be good at it... Mr. Lucky
blueskyday Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Yeah, he doesn't want to take responsibility for the consequences of HIS behavior so he distracts you from the real issue of solving the situation by putting you in a one down position. Now you have to appease him and make HIM feel better instead of having him repair the damage he caused. Pretty classic behavior of a low empathy partner, if not an abusive one. The other option is that he is insecure and is afraid you will leave him if he messes up, but even then, his behavior is out of line. He could simply express his fear instead of placing fear in you. It's a move that sells you out and makes him a victim. Either way, what works best in this situation is to agree with him as another poster pointed out. Say, "Hmmm, you're right. I hadn't thought of that option. I thought you might want to solve a problem your behavior has caused, but if you don't want to do that then I guess I will have to leave." Call his bluff. If it's not a bluff, then good riddance. This guy is not marriage material. How would you like him threatening divorce every time you have an argument? Nah!! 1
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