AT15 Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 Following to see the answers because I just don't have any. My ex from FOUR YEARS AGO emotionally abused me slowly and steadily increased over our three year relationship. I have finally had to come to terms with the fact that I, myself, am still messed up, even if I don't think so. I've been single for four years. No guy I've attempted to date has ever gone past 2-3 months. I gravitate toward unavailable people, fixer uppers, I give people chances who don't deserve them, and generally look for love from people who aren't able to give it. I'm reading a whole ton of self help books now, and remaining single, and forcing myself to be more "selfish" in terms of relationships. I won't settle for anything less than I truly deserve anymore. I'm not going to waste time with people who are hot/cold, and disinterested. Fake it till you make it is my plan for now. I have the same issue. I've been reading about trauma attachments. I have just met a new very handsome guy. He is totally emotionally unavailable and...I.Want.him. I don't chase, but the attraction is there. I have tried to walk away from him. I've ghosted him. He's canceled dates last minute. We don't text or speak much until we see each other in person. We talk for hours. We kiss. But no sex. I refuse to have sex with him until he opens up to me more and invests something other than wine, tiger bone and laughs. Sigh... I may just give in and call it a loss.
Author Cocoaflavareena Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 This guy didn't treat you well. You deserve to be treated better. You need to drop guys who treat you badly, who cheat, who expect sexual things you are not happy with, who want you to share them with other women. None of these things are acceptable in a normal relationship. If people agree to an 'open' relationship which includes other sexual relationships, then that is between them but both need to be happy with that. It sounds like you want a normal relationship. If your boyfriend is right and you do do things that create dramatic situations, then it would help you to learn why you do this and how you can manage this so you have a better chance of meeting a great guy. Just because a guy is dramatic and adventurous does not make him a good guy. Make a list of the qualities you want from a boyfriend, then drop the ones who do not have those qualities. It is a great filter and means you end up with the ones who do have good qualities. For example, if you don't want your guy to be interested in threesomes, then don't date guys who suggest that kind of thing. If you don't want your guy cheating, then avoid guys who are likely to behave like that, ones who have no self-control. I know you are finding it difficult to move on. People get under our skin and it is hard because there is a natural bonding that occurs. It is very difficult to just 'throw this off'. Excitement and drama can be addictive. It can also lead to poor relationships. That adventurous, fun, flirtatious guy, who is a bit of a bad boy, can turn into a terrible boyfriend. Think carefully about what attracted you to him and see if you can consider guys who have the good aspects but less of the bad ones. You are so amazing for this encouraging words !!! It is so hard ! I feel alone . But not trying to sound victim , but since the day I was born I been through it all thank you I will overcome this
Author Cocoaflavareena Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 I have the same issue. I've been reading about trauma attachments. I have just met a new very handsome guy. He is totally emotionally unavailable and...I.Want.him. I don't chase, but the attraction is there. I have tried to walk away from him. I've ghosted him. He's canceled dates last minute. We don't text or speak much until we see each other in person. We talk for hours. We kiss. But no sex. I refuse to have sex with him until he opens up to me more and invests something other than wine, tiger bone and laughs. Sigh... I may just give in and call it a loss. Please move on the red flags are there before you end up having sex and really getting emotionally attached , you don't want to end up like me DROP HIM
Author Cocoaflavareena Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Following to see the answers because I just don't have any. My ex from FOUR YEARS AGO emotionally abused me slowly and steadily increased over our three year relationship. I have finally had to come to terms with the fact that I, myself, am still messed up, even if I don't think so. I've been single for four years. No guy I've attempted to date has ever gone past 2-3 months. I gravitate toward unavailable people, fixer uppers, I give people chances who don't deserve them, and generally look for love from people who aren't able to give it. I'm reading a whole ton of self help books now, and remaining single, and forcing myself to be more "selfish" in terms of relationships. I won't settle for anything less than I truly deserve anymore. I'm not going to waste time with people who are hot/cold, and disinterested. Fake it till you make it is my plan for now. That must've been so hard for you . I'm so sorry you had to go through that I don't wish this pain on NO WOMEN nor men , women go through a lot !!! I know it was hard for you but your so strong and got through it . Is your life more better ? More peaceful? 1
bluefeather Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 (he's a drug dealer) Seriously? Raise your standards. Unless you think that's the kind of person you deserve...
KatZee Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 That must've been so hard for you . I'm so sorry you had to go through that I don't wish this pain on NO WOMEN nor men , women go through a lot !!! I know it was hard for you but your so strong and got through it . Is your life more better ? More peaceful? Oh yeah, for sure. I got rid of the emotionally unavailable dude I was seeing, and my life went from a stress level of 10, back to peace, calm, and serenity. I also moved on from that emotionally abusive ex (a very long time ago) rebuilt myself from the ground up, new hobbies, interests, friends, etc. It was a lot of work. At this point, I see how negatively unavailable and toxic people make me feel. I don't thrive on chasing these people, they literally make me crazy, gives me anxiety/panic, and makes me feel borderline bi-polar. The second I feel that is the second I know I need to bounce. So long story short, I've learned a tremendous amount about myself, and I really am fine tuned into my emotions and feelings. 2
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