How to overcome being emotionally abused

[Cocoaflavareena]

It's so much my ex ( we recently broke up) has done now me I wasn't ever perfect , I done things property damaged and u know told white lies but that was after he left me for he's baby mother 2 years ago we broke up and he got right with her after they was done she admitted he use to flirt and touch her while we was together, he's pressured me in the beginning of the months of us together when I fell in love with him to give him threesomes I remember he'll go add so many females on Facebook DAILY and go like there pictures multiples I'll tell him and ask him about it he'll say it's just Facebook and go on about giving him a threesome , it's been times he asked for breaks in the past to dip around he even asked me 2 years ago can he dip around I was like 18 young and first time.

 

Being in love he asked me could he dip around here and there, he's emotionally abusive he has double standards he goes out EVERY WEEKEND but yesterday I told him why can't he take one hour out he's day to go too the movies with me he mentioned he will miss he's money now mind u he goes to bars and clubbing every weekend. He informed me the time he goes out is late the movies is closed by then so that doesn't mess up he's money (he's a drug dealer) . Yesterday I showed up to where he said he was it was not open and went to he's house he was there he told me he went to a different club and he even took a pic with he's homeboy on facebook( we aren't friends anymore he won't accept me because I deleted him to many times ) I'm sorry if I'm rambling he got angry cause I questioned him but mind u I've been questioned when I went out whenever I use to go out he would always be there.

 

He proceed to call me a dumb bitch and tell me that's why he doesn't like being out or seen with me because I'm drama ( I don't understand how he complains and controls what I wear and I can never dance how I want on him cause he says it shows other men how freaky I am ) sexually wise I am NOT STATISFIED !!!!!! I do the damn thing in bed he always sucked ! Idk why it's hard for me to move on . He doesn't spoil me like how he can , I currently model ! Go to school he told me he's proud of me but it would be so great to have him show it on Facebook I have a modeling page he doesn't even share it or let people know he's proud of he's girl I done so much to make him happy and rarely ever told him NO . I am so damaged he still add exotic

Looking females and often I compare myself to them I see how he goes and likes there pictures a lot soon as they accept . I mean we have each other passcode to the phone but I don't go in he's only time I do when he goes through mines and of course I don't find anything but he done things in the past where it was obvious he was doing he's own thing ! How can I move on it's been 4 years y'all I'm tired of being called bitches I'm not close to my family my mom lives right around the corner and me and her aren't close only person I got as family is my 82 year old grandfather i stay with just cause I'm not comfortable with him being alone in the house . He knows this he had called me bum bitch before told me my mom doesn't love me .

 

He talks about how he could of pimp females on Facebook gets mad when I go out and called me hoes because my friends choosed to dance on men cause there single . I treated he's son like my own bought he's son things watched he's son when he use to go clubbing . Been so nice and try to get to know he's fake family : overall I'll admit he's a cold hearted person very selfish he plays victim and tries to mention things I done that's not even major vs the damage he's done to me !!!!!!!!! He tend to think since he got with me when I was 18 if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be where I'm at , but honestly if it wasn't for my granddad I would be LOST .

 

I don't have many friends I'm attractive yeah but he damaged my confidence . I work out . Go to school. Don't even go out but he does . How can I move on? He really damaged me so badly . If only y'all knew I hate this exactly why I never got into relationships in the past

Edited January 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge threads, edit title, add paragraphs

[Cocoaflavareena]

4 years I am so damaged I pretend I'm not but this man took so much out of. E and drained me ! I hate how he emotionally abused and called me every book under the name you could think of knowing my background and knowing I had a mother who was pretty good at using words to hurt me. Just want to move on he done so much damage , and knows he's my first love so it's like whatever to him I hate how he "gets money" he goes out every single weekend and now that we broken up ain't no telling what he does .

[d0nnivain]

First break ups are painful even under the best of circumstances. You sound like your background didn't give you the opportunity to develop the best sense of self esteem to begin with.

 

Let him go & consider getting some therapy to learn to self soothe & heal.

 

Best wishes. Hang in there.

[Cocoaflavareena]

The fact that I really made a thread called EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED sharing my story and really asking for advise and I got a total of 117 views no comments . What's y'all point in clicking on the thread ? It's nothing to share and relate or give advise . Idk about this website seem like people just be nosey and don't bother to give encouragement or comment .

[umirano]

I clicked your thread and didn't comment because I couldn't make sense of your post in a reasonable amount of time. Structuring and paragraphs and a minimum of orthography would make it much more readable. Besides, I've had threads where the first answer came in after 200 views, so, chill.

[ExpatInItaly]

Same as the above poster.

 

The first post in your other thread is not very clear. If you can edit it and clean up the grammar and structure, it will make it much easier to read and respond to. As it stands, it's all over the place and many won't take the time to bother working it out.

[Cocoaflavareena]

First off it actually DOES make sense I asked a question towards the beginning and end secondly , I'm not in grammar school it's hard when your using your smart phone ! And please don't try to tell me to relax as I said don't just view say something ! what I'm not about to do, is argue back and forth all you had to say was I couldn't quite understand your thread . But overrall you should get what I was trying to say!

[Cocoaflavareena]

Same as the above poster.

 

The first post in your other thread is not very clear. If you can edit it and clean up the grammar and structure, it will make it much easier to read and respond to. As it stands, it's all over the place and many won't take the time to bother working it out.

 

Ok thanks let me clean it up !

[Cocoaflavareena]

I clicked your thread and didn't comment because I couldn't make sense of your post in a reasonable amount of time. Structuring and paragraphs and a minimum of orthography would make it much more readable. Besides, I've had threads where the first answer came in after 200 views, so, chill.

 

I'm sorry you're right ! I should've structured it In a way it made more sense maybe it's better to try on my lap top thanks

[Cocoaflavareena]

I was in a 4 year relationship just broke up, I did everything under the sun to make him happy I rarely ever told him NO gave him threesomes , always complimented him , rubbed he's feet you name it I've done it ! He's done a lot to me to really distraught me.

My self esteem is done , I compare myself to females because he's always made me feel like I was good enough for him, He has the jewelry fancy car(camero) so it'll be no problem for him to get another pretty chick.

How can I get over him I need my happiness back. He's really a evil cold hearted person, he's made fun of the fact my mom doesn't love me ( me and her don't have a close relationship ) he's called me names made fun of my forehead you name it he's done . I am damaged

[d0nnivain]

You were so upset in your other thread that I tried to make some sense of this. I had to copy it into a word format, enlarge the type & double space it in order to even be able to read the wall of text & sentence fragments you posted. If you want help, you have to post in a format that makes it easy for people to help you.

 

 

Now . . .

 

 

Let me see if I understand. When you were 18 you started dating this drug dealer. He has a son with another women & he ran back to her as soon as you two broke up. He's lousy in bed but wants you to participate in threesomes. He constantly adds women on FB even after you asked him not to. He calls you horrible names & is emotionally abusive. He goes out all the time without you but claims he doesn't have the time or the money to so much as take you to a movie.

 

 

Honey, the BEST thing that ever happened to you was the end of this 4 year relationship. Be thankful he's gone.

 

 

You said you are living with your 82 year old grandfather & going to school. Good for you. Education will elevate your situation.

 

 

Stop comparing yourself to other women. Study hard. Exercise. Improve yourself. Set goals for yourself. You are the only one who matters. When your self esteem improves you will attract a better class of men.

 

 

Do something to repair your relationship with your mom. She's your flesh & blood. She may be able to help you with your heartache.

 

 

Going forward date men who aren't criminals and learn that having the password to someone else's phone or e-mail is not the same thing as having trust.

 

 

Good luck! At 22 you have your whole life ahead of you. Make wise choices & forget about him. He's going nowhere but jail or the morgue.

[elaine567]

I was in a 4 year relationship just broke up, I did everything under the sun to make him happy I rarely ever told him NO gave him threesomes , always complimented him , rubbed he's feet you name it I've done it ! He's done a lot to me to really distraught me.

My self esteem is done , I compare myself to females because he's always made me feel like I was good enough for him, He has the jewelry fancy car(camero) so it'll be no problem for him to get another pretty chick.

How can I get over him I need my happiness back. He's really a evil cold hearted person, he's made fun of the fact my mom doesn't love me ( me and her don't have a close relationship ) he's called me names made fun of my forehead you name it he's done . I am damaged

 

Go get help, therapy if you can afford it, contact abused women's groups for help in your area. Emotional abuse is just as bad or sometimes worse than physical abuse so go suss out the professionals to help you.

YOU may take a long time to get over this and in the meantime you will be very vulnerable to being swept off your feet by another predator who will also eventually treat you badly so be aware. Women who have been abused are the perfect victim for all sorts of men who do not have your own best interests at heart.

MM, sociopaths, psychopaths, controlling men abusive men violent men etc, are all out looking for vulnerable women to deceive and exploit.

Best to stay away from men, until you are strong again and capable of sussing out the bad ones.

[d0nnivain]

You realize you were the sick one, not you. His loss is your gain. He is out of your life!

[Redhead14]

I was in a 4 year relationship just broke up, I did everything under the sun to make him happy I rarely ever told him NO gave him threesomes , always complimented him , rubbed he's feet you name it I've done it ! He's done a lot to me to really distraught me.

My self esteem is done , I compare myself to females because he's always made me feel like I was good enough for him, He has the jewelry fancy car(camero) so it'll be no problem for him to get another pretty chick.

How can I get over him I need my happiness back. He's really a evil cold hearted person, he's made fun of the fact my mom doesn't love me ( me and her don't have a close relationship ) he's called me names made fun of my forehead you name it he's done . I am damaged

 

Read/study about co-dependency and emotional abusive partners . . . that will shed some light for you. You are not damaged. Don't be a victim. Be a survivor. Get focused on you, you life, your future, your hopes, your aspirations. Be all about YOU for a long while.

 

He's really a evil cold hearted person -- Repeat this to yourself over and over. Then tell yourself you are a kind, strong, good hearted person over and over again.

 

Never give more than you get from a relationship ever. When you see the imbalance, you end it. Be happy that it's over now instead of dragging this out for longer.

 

What if your little sister or best friend came to you with this story? What would you tell her? You certainly wouldn't tell her she's damaged, right? You'd point out her strengths and remind her that she deserves better for herself. SO DO YOU.

[AT15]

Well for starters, you have to understand where there is drama there is trauma.

He saw your vulnerability and seized on it. Start researching emotional trauma attachments.

 

In doing so, You will find that you seek out and attract emotionally abusive people, unconsciously. It has to do with your relationship and attachment to your parents.

 

When you long for this ex, remind yourself that the trauma was there before he came on the scene. He did not cause the trauma and he will not heal the trauma. He will only inflame the trauma.

 

Good luck with your healing.

[Cocoaflavareena]

I told him we should start seeing other people he told me before I broke up with him he doesn't like to be seen with me out in the club or bar , I'm confused as to why when we go out I try to find us a female to have fun with afterwards he complains about how I dress and says it's slutty , or if I dance on him he says don't do it cause other dudes see how freaky I am. He called me last night not to apologize but to tell me he wanted to curse me out , I really hate him. I wished I never fell for him . I'm sure it'll be no problem

For him to move on but thank u. I'll look into some books I love reading g

[William]

Folks, I merged four threads on a similar relationship issue and will direct members to our policy statement on duplicate threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/576206-members-when-posting-updates-your-breakup-read-first

 

There may be some duplicate/similar content and/or overlapping responses so apologies for that and please continue!

[Sweetfish]

I was in a 4 year relationship just broke up, I did everything under the sun to make him happy I rarely ever told him NO gave him threesomes , always complimented him , rubbed he's feet you name it I've done it ! He's done a lot to me to really distraught me.

My self esteem is done , I compare myself to females because he's always made me feel like I was good enough for him, He has the jewelry fancy car(camero) so it'll be no problem for him to get another pretty chick.

How can I get over him I need my happiness back. He's really a evil cold hearted person, he's made fun of the fact my mom doesn't love me ( me and her don't have a close relationship ) he's called me names made fun of my forehead you name it he's done . I am damaged

 

I've read both your threads. If i were to respond to it and gave you advice. Could you handle the trigger and additional blow to your self-esteem? Right now your looking for a way to correct the pain you have now between the person you love, however the issue is way deeper than that between you and the man you love.

 

The true problem stems from you and you require an overhaul of you to combat these issues

[Cocoaflavareena]

You were so upset in your other thread that I tried to make some sense of this. I had to copy it into a word format, enlarge the type & double space it in order to even be able to read the wall of text & sentence fragments you posted. If you want help, you have to post in a format that makes it easy for people to help you.

 

 

Now . . .

 

 

Let me see if I understand. When you were 18 you started dating this drug dealer. He has a son with another women & he ran back to her as soon as you two broke up. He's lousy in bed but wants you to participate in threesomes. He constantly adds women on FB even after you asked him not to. He calls you horrible names & is emotionally abusive. He goes out all the time without you but claims he doesn't have the time or the money to so much as take you to a movie.

 

 

Honey, the BEST thing that ever happened to you was the end of this 4 year relationship. Be thankful he's gone.

 

 

You said you are living with your 82 year old grandfather & going to school. Good for you. Education will elevate your situation.

 

 

Stop comparing yourself to other women. Study hard. Exercise. Improve yourself. Set goals for yourself. You are the only one who matters. When your self esteem improves you will attract a better class of men.

 

 

Do something to repair your relationship with your mom. She's your flesh & blood. She may be able to help you with your heartache.

 

 

Going forward date men who aren't criminals and learn that having the password to someone else's phone or e-mail is not the same thing as having trust.

 

 

Good luck! At 22 you have your whole life ahead of you. Make wise choices & forget about him. He's going nowhere but jail or the morgue.

 

 

 

Your right only thing u missed was He has the money !!! And I offer to take him out it's just supposedly on weekends he can't have time "to miss he's money " but has time to always go to bars and clubs.

[AT15]

Cocoa,

 

It's your mentality that keeps you in this situation. Start with your thinking. How do you make choices? Based on emotion? Based on getting love? You did all those things to yourself because you don't like yourself very much. You don't feel your worth the sun, moon and the stars.

 

Please, find a mentor. You are so young, you can change this pattern.

 

Good luck.

[elaine567]

Listen to this.

You need to understand why you have put up with all this for so long.

[umirano]

I was in a 4 year relationship just broke up, I did everything under the sun to make him happy I rarely ever told him NO gave him threesomes , always complimented him , rubbed he's feet you name it I've done it ! He's done a lot to me to really distraught me.

My self esteem is done , I compare myself to females because he's always made me feel like I was good enough for him, He has the jewelry fancy car(camero) so it'll be no problem for him to get another pretty chick.

How can I get over him I need my happiness back. He's really a evil cold hearted person, he's made fun of the fact my mom doesn't love me ( me and her don't have a close relationship ) he's called me names made fun of my forehead you name it he's done . I am damaged

 

I think you had very good reasons to break up that relationship. Now take happiness from the fact that you managed to get out. Many keep trying and suffer for years. Don't partake in negative self talk as in "I'm damaged". You had a crappy relationship and it took you a bit too long to wake up, but since you're so young that's completely ok and you're perfectly within social norms. At your age you're still learning and I think you just did that. Things aren't as bad. Some people learn this lesson only much later, so that's something to be happy about.

 

From now on be more picky. You're an interesting, cool person to be with, don't just hand it out to anyone. Make them earn it. That doesn't mean you have to become a cold hearted ice queen, but you can be a lot more selective. Do not run into the next relationship. Take your time to get to know people from many different walks of life. Quality over quantity.

 

Good luck!

[KatZee]

Following to see the answers because I just don't have any.

 

My ex from FOUR YEARS AGO emotionally abused me slowly and steadily increased over our three year relationship. I have finally had to come to terms with the fact that I, myself, am still messed up, even if I don't think so.

 

I've been single for four years. No guy I've attempted to date has ever gone past 2-3 months. I gravitate toward unavailable people, fixer uppers, I give people chances who don't deserve them, and generally look for love from people who aren't able to give it.

 

I'm reading a whole ton of self help books now, and remaining single, and forcing myself to be more "selfish" in terms of relationships. I won't settle for anything less than I truly deserve anymore. I'm not going to waste time with people who are hot/cold, and disinterested.

 

Fake it till you make it is my plan for now.

[Sweetfish]

Following to see the answers because I just don't have any.

 

My ex from FOUR YEARS AGO emotionally abused me slowly and steadily increased over our three year relationship. I have finally had to come to terms with the fact that I, myself, am still messed up, even if I don't think so.

 

I've been single for four years. No guy I've attempted to date has ever gone past 2-3 months. I gravitate toward unavailable people, fixer uppers, I give people chances who don't deserve them, and generally look for love from people who aren't able to give it.

I'm reading a whole ton of self help books now, and remaining single, and forcing myself to be more "selfish" in terms of relationships. I won't settle for anything less than I truly deserve anymore. I'm not going to waste time with people who are hot/cold, and disinterested.

 

Fake it till you make it is my plan for now.

 

 

Thank you for posting this. This chasing creates a tension within that seems like passion or love. I have a friend that does this. It requires a complete overhaul of your self to over come this.

[spiderowl]

This guy didn't treat you well. You deserve to be treated better. You need to drop guys who treat you badly, who cheat, who expect sexual things you are not happy with, who want you to share them with other women. None of these things are acceptable in a normal relationship. If people agree to an 'open' relationship which includes other sexual relationships, then that is between them but both need to be happy with that.

 

It sounds like you want a normal relationship. If your boyfriend is right and you do do things that create dramatic situations, then it would help you to learn why you do this and how you can manage this so you have a better chance of meeting a great guy. Just because a guy is dramatic and adventurous does not make him a good guy. Make a list of the qualities you want from a boyfriend, then drop the ones who do not have those qualities. It is a great filter and means you end up with the ones who do have good qualities. For example, if you don't want your guy to be interested in threesomes, then don't date guys who suggest that kind of thing. If you don't want your guy cheating, then avoid guys who are likely to behave like that, ones who have no self-control.

 

I know you are finding it difficult to move on. People get under our skin and it is hard because there is a natural bonding that occurs. It is very difficult to just 'throw this off'. Excitement and drama can be addictive. It can also lead to poor relationships. That adventurous, fun, flirtatious guy, who is a bit of a bad boy, can turn into a terrible boyfriend. Think carefully about what attracted you to him and see if you can consider guys who have the good aspects but less of the bad ones.

Edited January 28, 2017 by spiderowl