Loving a broken soldier, do I cut and run? Or fight for this man?

[iceclimbergirl]

Wow. Never thought I’d seek out the advice of the internet community. What a time to be alive. Here is our saga (it’s a good read, I swear):

 

Sparks notes version of background:

 

 

 

· We are both accomplished professionals, academics and extreme sport enthusiasts in our 30s; surprised we had so very much in common, fueled an intense connection

 

 

 

· I met him after moving to the US and ending a 9 year relationship, engagement

 

 

 

· We fell in love hard and fast; the term “Soulmate” bandied around

 

 

· He suffers from many physical ailments, and a wanderlust that sees him insistent on returning to dangerous three-letter agency contracting jobs

 

 

· I am a journalist based in New York

 

 

· I want travel, adventure, but also kids and a husband

 

 

· He said he wanted the same

 

 

After a year of bliss, I was blindsided in November when he decided to abruptly end things with me claiming he didn't think he was capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved. He was very anguished and told me he couldn’t believe he was ending it, but he just didn’t think he could handle the responsibility of a relationship. I spiraled into a deep mourning, the physiological effects of his loss were not akin to anything I have experienced.

 

 

He was finishing up with a contract in Jordan and was between jobs (still is) so when he came back begging for my forgiveness in December, I let him in slowly, believing that perhaps he was suffering from the subsequent emasculation that comes from being injured and essentially jobless.

 

 

 

Then he did it again.

 

 

 

This time I cut off contact.

 

 

 

But for a month he persistently courted me, promising me the love and commitment he had been unwilling to give.

 

 

 

I gave him another chance, as he vowed to come to New York as soon as he was done with physical rehab for an IED injury. But before then he wanted me to come and visit him.

 

 

 

So this weekend…

 

 

against my better judgment- but because I still adored him- I went to meet him at a beachside resort. It was romantic and passionate but I felt he was stalling again on verbally articulating the promises (family, marriage) he had been so willing to implore me with via text messages, emails and letters. At one point he became chocked up and said “how can a woman like you love me?...” he added “I have demons, a darkness, I don’t want anyone else to suffer because of them”.

 

 

Come Monday, out-of-the-blue he texted me to say:

 

 

 

"Did it feel different to you? Perhaps like we're on different paths?"

 

 

 

I lost my cool and ended it.

 

 

 

I told him I couldn't be lurched around anymore. I said “the most tragic part is not that you are incapable of giving me the love I deserve, it’s that you won’t.” I told him to leave me alone now.

 

 

 

He said he accepted it and did not want to hurt me anymore, but attributed it to "failure of critical communication" between us. He said his comments were not a reflection of his “intense love for me or his dedication to our future.”

 

 

Enter my internal conflict.

 

 

 

I ended it because I felt I had no choice. I had to save my dignity and self-respect. But ending it isn't at all what I want. Now I am in the normal physiological process of mourning and loss. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I feel as though my whole body aches. The thought of reaching out to him seems unthinkable to me and my pride, but all I want him to do is NOT accept it. To fight for me. To show up in New York and come through for me... am I crazy?

 

 

Is this man worth fighting for? Should I reach out?

[iceclimbergirl]

None of his demons are a deal-breaker for me. Nor is the life he chooses. What is a deal breaker, is being pushed away when things get real.

He refuses to get held for his quite obvious PTSD.

 

 

 

I am trying to accept the advice I had been known to give to my friends over the years "you should never have to coax anyone to love you." If it is genuine and authentic then reciprocity of love will flow without forcing it. But I also know the love is there (I say this in a non-delusional way) and that he has suffered a lot of psychological trauma. If he let me, I would like to show him that it doesn’t scare me.

 

 

He is also someone who suffers from chronic pain and hates to show me that side of him. He just can't stand letting anyone in.

 

 

 

He has legions of adoring fans but no one is allowed to get close. Whenever I got to close and he let his walls down with me, the next day he would seem sheepish and embarrassed and then sure enough turn cold on me.

[d0nnivain]

He's got a lot on his plate. If he's willing to go to the VA & get counseling because his time in service effected him in ways he doesn't understand & that is manifesting in self - destructive behavior like pushing you away you can try. Otherwise, unless you are abandoning your journalism career & becoming a mental health professional, there is not much you can do for him. He has to want this & he's pretty mixed up right now.

 

 

I know of what I speak. My husband is also a vet.

[iceclimbergirl]

Thank you for your reply. I felt a rush of instantaneous comfort and solidarity. I am trying to ascertain if this man is calling out for me to help him. In many ways, I feel he is, but I am also a very stubborn and prideful woman and don't want to keep giving him permission to hurt me and jerk me around.

 

On one hand it feels like manipulation and games, on the other, it feels like he is spiraling and needs someone to reach out their hand to him.

 

I think I would like to be that person but I am not sure I can take another rejection... and if he would ultimately do this to me again further on down the track.

 

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

 

So confounded by all this.

[Popsicle]

Getting caught up with these type of men is like how men get caught up with escorts or strippers. You'll be ruined for life.

 

Cut your losses and hope and pray that you won't be stuck with any lifelong effects.

[Fleur de cactus]

Unless you will have enough time to commit to him , my advice is to respect who he is and move on. Believe me it hurts and will take you time to heal , but better to end it now than after years. This man is honest and needs professional help before needing a lover. If he is willing to seek help , you can think of the possibility of staying together, other than that, your will live on rollcoster and it may hurt you more and may damage you emotionally. All the best.

[AT15]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I can, somewhat, relate to your dilemma. I fell in love with someone who kept pushing and pulling. It's like, you know how great it could be if they would just receive the help that's needed. You love them so much you be there for them every step of the way, 100%. But, they don't think they are good enough for you .

So, they push you away and/or sabatoge the connection. Commitment phobia is a symptom of mental and emotional imbalance. He has to get the help himself. You can stand strong, and not turn him away once he gets the help. I'm keeping you in my prayers. It's tough.

[bluefeather]

You like pain.

[preraph]

The elusive guy that I call "my old flame" sounds a lot like this guy. He was always halfway across the world doing things he was vague about. And he wasn't happy unless he had some new adventure to take him to a new place, usually a place you couldn't pay me to visit, much less live.

 

I chased him intermittently in the 1970s and then the '80s is when he moved abroad. Then I reunited with him 35 years later stateside, but he was quick to be gone again.

 

What I learned the last go-round was that, number one, exploring the world seemed to be his number one interest. Number two, I don't believe he was capable of a real intimate relationship. I always was someone he would tell unusual confessions to, and I think he liked me because of that. But to really dig in and take a woman all the way into his private space -- nah. I actually believe the only woman he married as an adult (he had a brief marriage w/high school sweetheart), he married her at least partly because they had a language barrier, so no pressure to get in his head and heart, and that didn't last either.

 

So what your guy likes is "ports of call," and you are his NY port of call. You are probably more special to him than others, but I'm sure he probably has others. If you are looking for the whole package, he isn't the guy for you. He doesn't want to do that. I wasn't domestic myself, so I do understand it.

 

If you want to find someone else, you'll have to make yourself get over this guy. I know it's not easy. I always have a warm spot for mine, though I never expect to see him again. He withdrew from me promptly after 9/11 and went abroad.

 

We're just not all cut from the same cloth. It's hard not to compare other guys to the interesting one, so that's your hurdle if you want to find a new guy and give up on this one. Good luck.

 

One thing I will say for mine is after the one with his high school sweetheart, he never fathered babies. That tells me he always knew he wasn't going to hunker down in to the marriage and family scenario. He didn't tie himself down.

[iceclimbergirl]

If you want to find someone else, you'll have to make yourself get over this guy. I know it's not easy. I always have a warm spot for mine, though I never expect to see him again. He withdrew from me promptly after 9/11 and went abroad.

 

We're just not all cut from the same cloth. It's hard not to compare other guys to the interesting one, so that's your hurdle if you want to find a new guy and give up on this one. Good luck.

 

One thing I will say for mine is after the one with his high school sweetheart, he never fathered babies. That tells me he always knew he wasn't going to hunker down in to the marriage and family scenario. He didn't tie himself down.

 

Wow. Interesting you say this. This was one of the reasons I justified returning to him despite the rollercoaster... I couldn't imagine finding someone comparable to him. I seek out "warrior poets" and he was most certainly that. Masculine, sensitive, educated, worldly, brave, chivalrous and tender. Urgh. Hard to find. In a way, I feel I have settled with every man but him.

[preraph]

Wow. Interesting you say this. This was one of the reasons I justified returning to him despite the rollercoaster... I couldn't imagine finding someone comparable to him. I seek out "warrior poets" and he was most certainly that. Masculine, sensitive, educated, worldly, brave, chivalrous and tender. Urgh. Hard to find. In a way, I feel I have settled with every man but him.

 

I get it.

 

The late great Carrie Fisher once said, "I know boring men are the ones to go for, but all I can see is the light glinting off the edges of the interesting ones.” --“Postcards from the Edge”

[spiderowl]

I know how you are feeling. I have been going through something similar for a while now and not even met the guy. He pulls me in and then kicks back over something trivial. I guess it is a way of keeping someone at a comfortable distance while still feeling you have not lost them. I do feel the guy I know is genuine, but mixed up. I don't know what the answer is. There is always going to be the feeling that if he dealt with his issues or understood why he is doing this, then maybe things would be different. Maybe they would but you can't wait for ever.

 

Cutting them off seems to be the only way but I know it is painful. If you feel you are not going to find that connection with anyone else, it is even more painful. This kind of push/pull can go on for ever though. I would set yourself an internal deadline. If he does not make a serious commitment by then, then that is it. Set an even earlier deadline and date other guys if he does not come up with the goods. Tell him you are going to date other guys because he is simply not there for you. Well, this is a bit late, I know, because you have already cut him off again.

 

It is true that some guys will probably never be 'tied down'. I see dating profiles and I just know they are going to the kind of guy that 'loves you and leaves you'. They are adventurers, always on the move. Think little boy with tons of energy being asked to play with the girls - how long would that last? He can get sex anywhere so he doesn't need to be tied down. I think you are wasting time if you are with an adventurer. They are the 'wanderers'.

[iceclimbergirl]

The push and pull is devastating. I guess in the pain, because it's still so raw, I find myself rationalizing his behaviour and attempting convince myself that I can do it... I can stay because I *know* he doesn't mean it. I *know* he loves me. Delusional thinking of course.

 

The thing I struggle with most about the "he's an adventurer" theory is that he sought me out because I was an adventurer too! I am a climber. A mountaineering woman, an explorer who travels extensively for work and pleasure. In the early stages we would find such solidarity in talking about how we never wanted a traditional wedding, or a conventional suburban existence. We spoke of both returning to Tibet, to a particular area we fell in love with.

 

I struggle with the thought of finding my kindred again: a climber, diver, academic, poet, well-traveled (and the list goes on). I am not sure where he'll find "his equal" either. Plus... the passion... every time.

 

It is the source of much of my anxiety right now.

[iceclimbergirl]

I was out last night until midnight, when I returned home, there he was, sitting outside my door. He had been there for three hours after driving 11 hours to get there. I heard him out. Same promises of love and devotion. This time with tears. I turned him on his heels and told him to leave. Come back in a few weeks if he still feels the same. I feel strong and incredibly proud of myself.

[niji]

I was out last night until midnight, when I returned home, there he was, sitting outside my door. He had been there for three hours after driving 11 hours to get there. I heard him out. Same promises of love and devotion. This time with tears. I turned him on his heels and told him to leave. Come back in a few weeks if he still feels the same. I feel strong and incredibly proud of myself.

 

I read your thread just now, but I feel for you. The people with your and his qualities are hard to find, you meeting him was a rare chance, a feat in itself. Finding someone of his qualities, who also wants the same things as you... it's next to impossible. I wouldn't rule it out, but wouldn't bank on it either. Some people can be our best friends, but they're not suited for a relationship, at least not one with us. Us who refuse to be the ones they return to when they're tired, and as soon as they've regained their energy, they leave.

 

Masculine, sensitive, educated, worldly, brave, chivalrous and tender. Urgh. Hard to find. In a way, I feel I have settled with every man but him.

 

Being quite a proud person myself, I wouldn't be able to accept his push-pull actions either. I know it seems like your world has collapsed after meeting someone that compatible, but trust me, someone who does not want to be part of your world permanently (only when he chooses to), is not the right one. If you choose him, you ARE settling. Settling for the one who doesn't love you enough.

[SoleMate]

If you sign for (an attempt at) a life with him, you sign up for a rollercoaster of uncertainty and pain and instability. If you want that, of course it's your choice. However, I would suggest it is not fair and not right to bring children on that rollercoaster ride....they won't be getting all the highs and thrills you will, they'll just be getting the uncertainty and pain (of things like de facto abandonment).

 

After a year of bliss, I was blindsided in November when he decided to abruptly end things with me...he couldn’t believe he was ending it....he just didn’t think he could handle the responsibility of a relationship.....

Imagine him pulling that on your (future) young kids. Horrible. Parental abandonment - whether threatened or actual, permanent or just for a time, is one of the most painful things a child can go through. If you choose to stay with him, I beg that one of you uses permanent birth control.