Emotionally exhausted after 5 years staying together

[J.T_Tumi]

I'm 28 she's 29. We've been staying together a little over 5 years. I used to be able to picture a future with her and even tried saving for marriage, but this has been extremely difficult with the situations we've been through.

I will try keep this as brief as possible.

We started off both working, we moved in together to a place that we can both afford, she eventually quit her job saying it doesn't make her happy, she became a stay at home gf (the plan was that she would find another job), she did nothing in the house, I would get home and have to organise food and clean the house. During this period she was diagnosed with GAD(general anxiety disorder). We moved to a smaller space, paid for her to see a therapist, get professional help. I told her we can get through this, I did as much reading as i could so I could to try understand what she is going through, she became more irrational, i tried to understand it's not her, its the illness or medication. This was a rough time, having to take care of her, not being able to speak to friends about it (she didn't want people to know), leaving work at random times to drive home to check on her, then head back to work and being told I am neglecting her because I spend so much time working. I spent every free moment with her.

 

She started getting better, then got a job, but quit after like a month, went back into depression then the journey started again, being irrational saying we don't spend enough time together.

I never go anywhere without her, trying to make sure she feels safe and secure. I barley see my friends, never go out for drinks with work colleagues, because I'm worried about how she will react that I am having fun without her. The last time I tried to visit my parents, she had an emotional break down, so I had to tell my parents something at work came up, this happens often.

 

Over christmas (dec 2016) she went to visit her family, because her sister came to visit and I went to see my family, I had forgotten what peace is, my phone didn't ring (no anxiety about "I hope she's not upset"), I was content just to chill and take the dog for a walk. At this point I realise I have been unhappy for the past few years, but too distracted taking care of her and trying to reassure her.

 

I haven't spoken to her about this, I want to leave but Im afraid of what the outcome will be. She doesn't want a job, she says she wants to figure out a career path that will make her happy, I have been patient with this idea, but she has done nothing but facebook, watch movies and series for the last 3 years. I occasionally get her paid project jobs, which she always finishes but gets angry with the company, and expects me to go address the company about how they should treat her and when I don't she says I don't defend her (these are clients that basically pay our rent), then she goes through a worse depressed phase.

 

Her family doesn't take her illness seriously, she's an exceptional smart person, but doesn't know how to deal with normal stress, small thing often become big serious issues. Her emotions are her god, so when she feels a certain way you can't rationalise her out of it.

 

My dilemma is, she doesn't work, so if I leave her she has no way of supporting herself. She would rather kill herself than move back in with her parents (her words). She basically has no friends cause she is so critical on expectations from people. I am tired of getting home and walking on egg shells, because one wrong statement will sent her over the edge. I am not seeing anyone else or interested in someone else, I'm just genuinely not happy with our relationship. I don't want to try to fix anything any further, I would like to move on, but do so knowing she will be fine and won't try and kill herself when I leave. I don't want to go another year feeling like I can't breathe.

 

This is as brief as I can make it, having excluded paxil withdrawals, family and work fall outs.

[Poppyolive]

Waste no more time. Yours or hers. It sounds like you've thought it out. Can I add, when you do speak to her be clear, direct and leave no door open that would give her hopes up. It will be better for her in the long run. The worry if her hurting herself is scary. If she does do or say anything do not hesitate to contact the police and her family. This shouldn't lie solely on you.

It sounds like she's unhappy too and this very well may be the change to kick her into gear, she may not see that now.

I wish you the best.

[ExpatInItaly]

Enough is enough.

 

You are no longer helping her, but enabling her. I certainly understand you've tried to be patient and supportive but her expectations are unreasonable and unfair. You tiptoeing around has made it worse, because she controls you and the relationship while she does essentially zero to help herself.

 

You need to end this. As Poppyolive suggested, if she threatens to harm herself, immediately contact her parents or emergency services. She cannot use a tool like that to manipulate you. Be prepared for an emotional outburst. It is coming. But keep your own future and well-being in mind. This is no way to live.

[d0nnivain]

She's an adult. Depression or not she has options -- getting a job, moving in with family, applying for disability. Right now you are simply an enabler.

 

 

Give her some notice, like 30 days or so to get her act together about finding a new place. Make sure you can get out of your lease.

[kasabanz]

The fact that she threatened to kill herself tells me you need to contact her parents immediately. That being said, it's super toxic to be with someone who would say something like that. Hope everything goes well for you

[Downtown]

JT, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, very controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it (which may fall well below or above the diagnostic threshold).

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been living together for five years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as childishness, always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

Her emotions are her god, so when she feels a certain way you can't rationalize her out of it.

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent BPD traits), this behavior is to be expected. Her perception of reality is determined by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. When that feeling changes a week or a month later, she will be alleging that the very opposite is now true.

 

This distorted view of other peoples' intentions and motivations occurs in all of us whenever we experience very intense feelings. This is why, by the time we are entering high school, most of us already know that we cannot trust our own judgment when our feelings are very intense. And this is why, when we are very angry, we try to keep our mouths shut until we have time to cool off. Similarly, when we are very infatuated, we try to wait two years before buying the ring.

 

Well, a BPDer experiences that same distortion of other peoples' intentions. The difference is that, with a BPDer, these distortions occur far more frequently and are far more intense when they occur. This happens because a BPDer's emotional development typically is frozen at the level of a four year old.

 

This means that she lacks the ability to avoid intense feelings because, like a young child, she cannot regulate her own emotions. Nor can she intellectually challenge those intense feelings. Instead, like a child, she accepts an intense feelings as a self-evident "fact." Because the feeling is so intense, she is convinced it MUST be true. Moreover, because she lacks the skill to do self soothing, her intense feeling usually will be very slow to disappear.

 

I am tired of... walking on egg shells, because one wrong statement will sent her over the edge.

Because a BPDer cannot regulate her own emotions, her partner will oftentimes feel like he is walking on eggshells around her to avoid triggering her anger. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

These rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) is a behavior that arises from "black-white thinking." If your GF is a BPDer, the slightest infraction (real or simply imagined) can result in you being reclassified from "all good" to "all bad." This occurs because she is too immature to be able to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

Hence, like a young child, she will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she may later recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

She basically has no friends cause she is so critical on expectations from people.

As noted above, a BPDer can recategorize a friend from "all good" to "all bad" in just ten seconds, based solely on a minor comment or infraction (real or perceived). This is why it is rare for a BPDer to have any close long-term friends (unless that friend lives a long distance away).

 

If that seems harsh and unforgiving, keep in mind that a BPDer usually is even harder on herself. Indeed, it is because she is filled with shame and self loathing that, at a subconscious level, she usually will not allow herself to see any new mistake or harmful action she does. Instead, she usually will project the hurtful thought or feeling onto her partner, blaming him for every misfortune. The last thing a BPDer wants to find is one more mistake or flaw to add to the long list of things she hates about herself.

 

She's an exceptional smart person, but doesn't know how to deal with normal stress, small thing often become big serious issues.

When it comes to interpersonal relationships, a "small thing" often becomes a "big thing" because -- with BPDers -- there is no category in between those polar extremes. A BPDer is too immature to tolerate experiencing strong conflicting feelings at the same time.

 

To avoid that intolerable situation, a BPDer will flip -- in just ten seconds -- from adoring you to devaluing you. And she will flip back again, perhaps an hour or a day later, just as quickly. Her subconscious mind therefore "splits off" the conflicting feeling (e.g., love), putting it temporarily out of reach of her conscious mind. In this way, a BPDer only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

 

As noted above, this behavior is called "black-white thinking," which is one of the hallmarks of BPD warning signs. It usually will be most evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

 

As occurs with BPDers, this same behavior also is evident in the behavior of young children -- who will adore Daddy when he is bringing out the toys but will immediately flip to hating Daddy when he takes one away. Like young children, BPDers are too immature to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

She eventually quit her job saying it doesn't make her happy.

If she is a BPDer, she has such a terrible feeling of emptiness that NOTHING is likely to make her happy for more than a few days. With my BPDer exW, for example, a very expensive gift usually would produce happiness for a few days -- or a week if it cost me several thousand dollars. Then she was right back to "What have you done for me lately?" A BPDer is a bottomless pit of need. Hence, trying to make her "happy" is as pointless as trying to fill up the Grand Canyon with a squirt gun.

 

Moreover, it is impossible to build up a store of good will that you can later draw on during the hard days. As noted earlier, a BPDer's perception of your intentions is dictated by the intense feeling she is experiencing at this very moment. The result is that your attempts to build up a lasting store of good will and appreciation (for your many sacrifices) is as futile as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. It is certain to be washed away by the next tide of intense feeling flooding her mind.

 

...being told I am neglecting her because I spend so much time working. I spent every free moment with her.... I never go anywhere without her, trying to make sure she feels safe and secure.

As noted above, it is impossible to build up a lasting store of appreciation or good will if she is a BPDer. Hence, if she is feeling "neglected" at this moment in time, that is her perception of reality. Moreover, if she is a BPDer, she almost certainly HATES to be alone.

 

The reason is that, like a very young child, a BPDer has such a weak self identity that she sorely needs to be around a person having a strong self image -- to help center and ground her and to provide her with a stable sense of direction and goals. But when YOU DO EXACTLY THAT -- i.e., provide the grounding and identity she sorely needs -- she will feel like you are controlling and suffocating her.

 

This is why a BPDer will often create fights -- over absolutely nothing at all -- to push you away so as to get breathing space. And this is why -- as you must already realize -- you essentially have a parent/child relationship with this woman, not a BF/GF relationship.

 

I barely see my friends.... The last time I tried to visit my parents, she had an emotional break down, so I had to tell my parents something at work came up, this happens often.

If your GF is a BPDer, she absolutely hates to be alone, as noted above. Moreover, her greatest fear is abandonment. BPDers therefore typically will attempt to isolate their partners away from all close friends and family members. In that way, she gets you all to herself. She also greatly reduces the chance you will get supportive comments from family or friends -- e.g., "That's the most ridiculous explanation I've ever heard.... why do you tolerate it?"

 

She became more irrational, i tried to understand it's not her, its the illness or medication.

If she is a BPDer, her feelings sometimes may be so intense that her perceptions of other peoples' intentions are distorted to the point of being paranoia. This is why one of the nine defining traits for BPD (i.e., the 9 behavioral symptoms used to diagnose it) is "Having stress-related paranoid thoughts." See 9 BPD Symptoms.

 

She would rather kill herself than move back in with her parents (her words).

Another one of the 9 defining traits for BPD is "Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting." See cite provided above.

 

I don't want to try to fix anything any further, I would like to move on, but do so knowing she will be fine and won't try and kill herself when I leave.

Likewise, my BPDer exW threatened suicide many times. When very depressed, she sometimes would walk to a nearby tall bridge, knowing that I was following protectively about a hundred feet behind. When I stopped following her, she stopped going to the bridge.

 

Instead, she started going to the nearest subway station where she would call me from the platform just as a train was pulling in (so I could tell from the rumbling noise that she really was on the platform). She would say she is going to jump in front of the next train -- and then hang up.

 

As with the bridge, I ran down to the subway station several times but, when I stopped going, she stopped going to the subway station. Clearly, she was doing all of that to simply control me. Even so, I never knew for certain that it was simply a manipulative tactic. So staying home and not responding was a very risky and painful thing to do. In retrospect, what I should have done when receiving the subway threats -- as Poppy and ExPat suggested above -- is to call 9-1-1 and let the police take care of it.

 

Keep in mind that, if she is a BPDer, you are in a toxic relationship that is harmful to BOTH of you. Importantly, your presence in the home is harming her too. If you stop walking on eggshells -- not being yourself -- she will not tolerate your presence. Yet, if you continue on that path, your enabling behavior is harming her by destroying her opportunities to have to confront her own issues and learn to manage them. It is harmful to allow a woman to behave like a spoiled four year old -- and GET AWAY WITH IT. For her own welfare, it is important she be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad choices.

 

Moreover, as long as you remain living with her, your presence in the room will continue to trigger her fears of abandonment and engulfment if she is a BPDer. It therefore is very unclear that your leaving the home will increase her risk of suicide. It may reduce it.

 

I don't want to go another year feeling like I can't breathe.

JT, if you actually have been living a BPDer for five years, consider yourself lucky that you're only feeling suffocated and breathless. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds.

 

She was diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder).

If she is a BPDer, that diagnosis is not unexpected. A randomized study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 81% of the female BPDers also suffered from a co-occurring anxiety disorder (and half of that 81% group had GAD). See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. Having a GAD diagnosis, however, does NOT imply your GF has BPD. Only 26% of the females suffering GAD in the past year were found to have full-blown BPD. See Table 2 at that same study.

 

An important question, then, is whether your GF's issues likely extend well beyond GAD to also include strong BPD traits. If you want an answer to that question, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. As I have discussed in other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along.

 

Therapists generally are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder -- for the client's own protection. Hence, to obtain a candid assessment, it is important to see a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers. Relying on your GF's therapist for advice during the courtship would be as foolish as relying on her attorney for candid advice during a divorce.

 

I did as much reading as i could so I could to try understand what she is going through.

If your GF actually is a BPDer, walking away after five years likely is going to be extremely painful for you. It will feel like you're abandoning a sick young child who, despite her periodic tantrums and hissy fits, dearly loves you. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join ExPat, Poppy, JerseyBorn, and other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your GF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Moreover, learning these red flags may make the breakup less painful for you by strengthening your personal boundaries. Take care, JT.

[honeybeesunrise]

I'm so sorry that you arrived at the state in your relationship. It sounds like it has been very hard on you. Many things come to mind when reading your story, but first is compassion for the pain that you have been/are going through.

 

The next thing I wish to say is, not matter what happens, if you leave or stay, you are NOT RESPONSIBLE what what she does. If she takes her own life, it will not be your fault.

 

You sound like a loving and devoted BF, and you have certainly been through a lot. Have you considered couples counseling? That could be a good place to express your feelings. A good counselor would try to help her to understand the effect her behavior is having on the relationship. You have put forth a great effort to understand and support her (which is truly to be commended), but she may not understand YOU, the way you think and why you feel the way you do. It sounds like her fears generally overwhelm her, but these can be worked through with counseling.

 

I do understand that you may be at a point where you don't want to work on the relationship anymore. If you aren't married, then you don't have a legal obligation to her. If you were married, and willing to work on this, I have heard stories of relationships like yours healing. There is hope. Do you and your GF share a faith?

 

Like I said above, you are not responsible for your behavior. No one can tell you that you must go or stay, but you should understand that there will be consequences no matter which you choose. I pray that you have clarity in your decision making. If you need an ear, I am here.

[salparadise]

JT, you've obviously been through a lot already and have dedicated your entire existence to being a caretaker. It's understandable that you're burnt out on it and want to get back to living life normally and eventually find a healthy, functional relationship. You've done your duty and then some. You aren't obligated to do this forever, as you realize, so the question is how do you transition out of the role.

 

You can't allow her to hold you hostage via the suggestion of suicidal ideations. While she might have actually had suicidal ideations at times, the hypothetical if this-then that stuff is not that. It's an attempt to control. What you have to do is turn her care over to someone else. If she is actually suicidal she needs in-patient hospitalization, and then to be released to her family's care as opposed to you. If she's not suicidal, turn her over to her family, regardless. I would probably try to work with professionals and the family to have a safety plan in place. If she has signed a release you can talk to her therapist, and if not you can still inform the therapist and let him/her know what to expect without feeling guilty.

 

I don't know about BPD; it didn't jump out at me reading the OP and I'm usually quick to pick up on it. General anxiety, depression and dependent personality features is what it sounds like to me, however, any speculation with so little information is merely that. She already has the GAD diagnosis, Paxil is a SSRI used to treat depression, and it's pretty obvious from your narrative that she prefers dependency. She dreams about an ideal career path when she can't even handle minimal levels of stress, so there are likely issues with executive functioning.

 

I realize that this won't be easy for you. You should probably have some support in place for yourself as well. It's important that you fully accept that you have no obligation to be a perpetual caretaker, and that you are being as compassionate as possible while doing what must be done. You have the right to get your life back.