I'm still not sure what the main reason was for breaking up with me

[kasabanz]

So I was in a LDR with a guy for over a year. I'm 19 and he's 21. Things were pretty great! He didn't live too far away, but we didn't really get to visit that much during the time we were together, but anyway...

 

 

The last time I visited him we were together for 14 months at that time, and we still had not exchanged "I love you" and so, after thinking about it for months, I told him one night I was there. There was a pause for about 10 seconds (felt like forever so it may be more or less) and he said "I don't think I can say it, I'm sorry..." and I reassured him that it was fine! Some people have different definitions of it, and it may take longer since it's long distance (hell, I'm just glad he was being honest). The thing is, he kinda took it pretty seriously. There was silence for about 15 minutes or so and I couldn't sleep, and I thought he was already asleep when he starts going all philosophical about love, and he told me how he never really considered it and went on for about 10 minutes and kept going on about how he doesnt want marriage or kids because he doesnt want to lose his independence (he told me that a few months prior so it wasnt anything new) and at the end of the conversation I guess he realised what he just did and told me that he really likes me and cares for me and said "If I ever do experience it...I'll let you know" while holding my hand.

 

 

So, yeah. That was pretty confusing. Anyway, a week after I came back, he seemed really confused with where his life was at (I should have added that he's been like this for a couple months even before I told him I loved him so I'm not sure if it's relevant or what. Back in November he wrote a blogpost on how he doesn't like change/doesn't like being the one that makes changes) and I could feel something was off. A few days before we broke up, I was telling him that I was considering therapy and he was very encouraging of it, and even suggested that he should too. I'm not the greatest communicator so I wanted to discuss it with a therapist, along with stuff like family issues etc.

 

 

The day we broke up I was in a bad mood. I told him I was upset about something and I had a feeling it was our relationship, and I also suggested that it may just be birth control. Looking back I feel awful for being in a bad mood that night and in some way, I feel like he wouldn't have broken up with me if I wasn't upset that night but who knows.

 

 

He told me I was just pinning my problems on birth control as an excuse, and he wrote out how he feels that he always has to force conversations with me, and I was completely aware of this though we never spoke about it til now. Thing is, I HATE forced conversations, and after he mentioned that I started thinking that it was maybe that that was upsetting me. I suggested to go a few days of no contact but he told me that a lot of things put stress onto our romantic relationship and make it "not so great" and we would have a better relationship if it wasn't romantic 'cause it forces us to act different. I feel so confused with that response? He never mentioned anything about losing feelings for me.

 

 

He told me that I deserve someone who will help me be the best person I can be, and brought up that I will have lots of opportunities while in college then told me that he cares about me a lot, and he really wants to stay friends with me.

 

 

We're currently no contact and he told me it would be painful for him to lose contact with him forever. And I do agree with that, it's already incredibly painful for me to go this long without contact. We both told each other that we're wonderful people etc.

 

 

I told one of our mutual friends everything that happened and his response made me even more confused. He thinks that my ex doesn't know what he wants, and that he's having a "quarter life crisis". He even brought up that my ex may be a narcissist, and I can elaborate why he thinks this, but I'm a bit skeptical and I don't really want to jump to conclusions. I brought up that my ex either fears commitment, or he just doesn't want to commit to me (After knowing him for so long, I think he's just not ready for a long-term relationship.)

 

 

If anyone wants me to elaborate more on some parts I'd be happy to. I'm just looking for input from an outsiders view!

[enddeck]

Have you ever heard the song "It's all about me".Your ex should have that tattooed on his forehead.He is so self absorbed that you barely penetrate his awareness.He is definitely displaying narcissistic tendencies and is probably a bit of an egomaniac as well.How was he raised,was he an only child,was he spoilt.

[kasabanz]

Have you ever heard the song "It's all about me".Your ex should have that tattooed on his forehead.He is so self absorbed that you barely penetrate his awareness.He is definitely displaying narcissistic tendencies and is probably a bit of an egomaniac as well.How was he raised,was he an only child,was he spoilt.

 

 

He has an older sibling and that's it. His parents are extremely nice too. Not sure if that has anything to do with his behaviour though, but it's possible I guess?

[angel.eyes]

Most people don't like to hurt someone they care about. So, rarely will you get a straight answer regarding the reason for a breakup. At the end of the day, the precise reason doesn't matter. What matters is the person no longer want to be in the relationship, and it's over.

 

A few things stand out. You saw each other pretty infrequently even though you "didn't live too far." That tells me that at least one of you, if not both, wasn't that invested. I suspect when you told him you love him, he realized that he didn't share those feelings and probably never would as you had been dating over a year at that point. He did the right thing and opted not to waste your time. He set you free to find someone who could return your feelings, rather than stringing you along.

 

Going NC is the right way to handle this.

[ExpatInItaly]

Most people don't like to hurt someone they care about. So, rarely will you get a straight answer regarding the reason for a breakup. At the end of the day, the precise reason doesn't matter. What matters is the person no longer want to be in the relationship, and it's over.

 

A few things stand out. You saw each other pretty infrequently even though you "didn't live too far." That tells me that at least one of you, if not both, wasn't that invested. I suspect when you told him you love him, he realized that he didn't share those feelings and probably never would as you had been dating over a year at that point. He did the right thing and opted not to waste your time. He set you free to find someone who could return your feelings, rather than stringing you along.

 

Going NC is the right way to handle this.

 

I very much agree with this.

 

I think he realized you were much more invested in him and in the relationship. He didn't see it as seriously and knew it wasn't fair to keep your around. He's also only 21. The likelihood of him wanting to give up his independence any time soon is very low, and not unusual for people in that age group.

 

I don't think this is about being narcissistic, because frankly, there's no evidence of NPD. If you'd ever interacted with someone who could be diagnosed as such, you would see the difference! I also don't believe it's a "quarter-life crisis" or related to his birth order. To be fair, I understand why you're wondering all of this. But at the end of the day, I think it's much more simple: he wasn't as into you as you were into him.