cinemalover28 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 Hey, I'm newly single (completely glad that things ended with my ex)... but now I can't stop thinking about a guy from my past (we'll call him "Dream Guy" to keep things straight). Here is the whole LONG story... I had a huge crush on Dream Guy in college, but he was a bit older (around 25, I was 19...he had gone to college later than most!). We would flirt a lot and sit together in classes, but I was still always rather shy around him...I can't explain to you the feeling I would get when I was around him, it was like overwhelming attraction...more than anything I've ever felt around another guy in my entire life. I got the sense that he was a bit nervous around me too...anyway, long story short, we didn't date at all in college (we didn't really run in the same social circles and like I said, he was a bit older and I think our heads were in different places)... I studied abroad during his senior year and by the time I got back to town, he had graduated and we totally lost touch. This was a really crazy time in my life, transitioning to the "real world" after college and such...and I just kind of thought of him as that guy who was out of my league and that the ship had sailed. I guess because I had also struggled with self-esteem issues during this time, I thought he was too good for me or something. Anyway, for better or worse, I was able to forget about him fairly easily simply because I thought I could never really have him. I dated other people, all of which ended painfully. One night, I was sitting in my studio apartment praying and crying to get over one of these relationships (that I had always deep down known was not right for me) and decided to go for a walk. I couldn't believe it, but I ran into Dream Guy on this walk!! Being around him again was completely magnetic, and again, I felt that insane rush that I've only ever felt around him. I guess maybe because I was doing well in my career at the time, I had worked up a bit higher self-esteem and felt really confident talking to him. And then get this...he actually asked me out!! We exchanged numbers and I kept dreaming about what it would be like to finally go out on a date with him. Flash forward, we start texting, and he seems excited to meet up, but he travels a lot for work and wasn't going to be in town for a while. I seriously didn't care - I was just happy to be in contact with him! So, I waited patiently for him to text me and was able to be fairly detached during this time. That is, until **** started to get CRAZY in my life... A series of truly terribly events happened in rapid succession (I will spare you the details, but it involved a serious illness in my immediate family, job loss due to ****ed up circumstances, loss of vehicle and more. Everything just went dark). As I was tending to the family emergency, I received a text on my phone but couldn't see who it was from...but it seemed like it was from him (no one else would text me what he had)... I tried to turn my phone off and on again to see if the name would pop up next to the number... and then GET THIS: the phone completely died. I lost ALL of my contacts and text messages. So to this day, I have no idea if that message was from him or not. I had to just deal with all of the **** I was going through and eventually reactivated my facebook account (which I had deleted for a while). I decided to be bold and to message him, in case it was him who had texted me. He didn't respond to my first message...so, I messaged him again a couple of months later because I thought maybe he thought I had blown HIM off by not responding to his text. This is the part that I feel a bit embarrassed about because... maybe that was coming on too strong? And that's when I started to get discouraged about the whole thing and question whether or not he did indeed have feelings for me too... but then he ended up responding to my message and wanting to meet up! The only thing was, I was moving to a new city for work about a month later. We were going to try to meet up anyway... We were about to set a date and he asked me about my availability... I gave it to him and then... NOTHING. ABSOLUTE CRICKETS. I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN. I know, in theory, I could have messaged him again...but I had already messaged him twice in a row previously and the last thing I wanted to do was come on too strong again if he wasn't interested. I just couldn't tell if he was crazy busy or maybe had a crazy circumstance happen to him like had happened to me to explain it. Or maybe...he wasn't feeling it after all and was trying to drop a hint by not responding. If it were any other guy, I would just be like "f it" and move on. But with him, for some reason I have never been able to. I've tried, believe me. But for some reason, life keeps showing me all of these weird signs. Like really weird synchronicities... like I'll sign up for a workshop for my career...and I'll have no idea who the teacher is or what their background is...and it will turn out to be ONE OF HIS CLOSE FRIENDS. This has happened twice. Other weird things too... stuff you would not believe. Anyway...so...flash forward...I'm at the store...and I see him on the other side of the aisle. THERE HE IS. Completely by chance. I know I should have said something to him...but something in me froze up. It was like my feelings for him were so strong that if he didn't want me the way I wanted him or if he had been thinking of me as some girl who came on too strong who he didn't really want or something... like it was almost like I didn't think I could handle it. So I completely froze in fear and said nothing. I just left. Afterwards, I just kept feeling like the entire universe had existed in that moment just to bring us together and I totally f-ed it up. I know. I KNOW. Anyway, I was also in a relationship with my most recent ex at the time. But I'm tired of being so afraid and settling for sub-par relationships that always end horribly. I don't want to message him because I do feel like it's his turn... But I don't know... I just don't know what to do or think about the situation. I guess all I really can do is leave it up to fate? I guess what I'm looking for here is some perspective. Anyone been through something similar? How do you release attachment when you have a bit of regret and there were circumstances outside of your control that you feel mucked things up a bit? Also, he probably doesn't know I'm even single...I've posted photos of me and my ex (stupidly) on facebook before...which, let's say he did feel the same way, could be a reason maybe he hasn't reached out... ANY ADVICE WOULD ROCK. Thanks guys.
lionlover1973 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I'm not sure what advice there is to give here. He did not reply back to your messages, and that was that. Maybe you should have gone up and said hi when you saw him, but I understand why you didn't. Did he ever mention whether or not it was him who contacted you before your phone died? If it was him, and he didn't hear back from you for two months, he probably took that as a brush off. PS. I'm sorry all those terrible things happened to you.
umirano Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 But I'm tired of being so afraid and settling for sub-par relationships that always end horribly. A somewhat sober, but hopefully consoling viewpoint: All relationships are sub-par, if you happen to look at the right moment. It's like in quantum mechanics: When you try to take a measurement you mess up the system. Also: All relationships end horribly, depending on when and which of the partners you ask. What I'm trying to say is that, there are no perfect relationships, that doesn't mean you have to chase someone who's only lukewarm. And ending relationships is hardly ever a pleasing experience. I wish you good luck moving forward is all I can say. We all need it from time to time. Maybe staying away from dating / FWB for a while is an idea.
Author cinemalover28 Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 Thank you for reading my long post and taking the time to write thoughtful responses! Honestly, just writing all of that out and sharing it has been really cathartic and I feel like I've released a lot of those pent up emotions. Lionlover1973, yes, it was him who reached out before my phone had died. I think that's part of my frustration too...that he thinks I brushed him off when in reality, that couldn't be farther from the truth. I know there's no real advice other than to just let it go and move on...I guess there's a part of me that keeps hoping we'll bump into each other again if it's "meant to be" (if that's a real thing). We have similar career paths and know a lot of the same people...and we also live in the same city...but I know the healthy thing to do is just LET. IT. GO. and to stop thinking about it and wondering about it so much. I guess that's the part where I need some advice...how does one truly "let go" and get it off of their mind completely? I'm really busy with work and life and I'm a pretty happy person/enjoy the work I do. I'm around positive, supportive people a lot and take really good care of myself. I even meditate! Daily! Thoughts of him still linger in the back of my mind though...anyone have a trick for just totally forgetting about someone?
umirano Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 (edited) It's a tough call. The fact that you didn't have it in you to talk to him in the store should tell you something as well. Are you really shy? Or why did you hesitate? It seems you were fearing getting rejected. I don't know. It won't kill you if you contact him and ask him to meet face to face. I wouldn't write an e-mail explaining the whole situation. If you feel so strongly about him I don't see the harm in taking the chance of basically confessing your feelings to him. But if you're unsure, drop it, and move on. Completely. Edited January 28, 2017 by umirano
lionlover1973 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 Lionlover1973, yes, it was him who reached out before my phone had died. I think that's part of my frustration too...that he thinks I brushed him off when in reality, that couldn't be farther from the truth. Did you ever explain to him that wasn't the case? anyone have a trick for just totally forgetting about someone? Haha, there's no 'tricks' I'm afraid. People will say to stay busy, spend time with friends, date others when you're ready - love again. But it's impossible to 'forget someone', unless you have amnesia. Think of it like the loss of someone through death - you never forget them, but the hurt lessons over time and you accept that they are no longer a part of your life. I had a nervous breakdown from grief over the death of someone I loved dearly, but I recovered, eventually to the point where I am not crying everyday or thinking about them constantly (even though they are deep within my heart). Loss is a part of life, of being alive, of being human.
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