I see her in my dreams

[SaltedSpades]

When i was a Sophmore in highschool i met a girl a year younger than me that had a HUGE crush on me. We became close friends and after a while i decided to try it. We started dating and i feel head over heels for her. Unfortunately i broke things off with her after about 2 to 3 months. Being young and dumb i thought i had no need for her after any argument and that i would be fine without her. I have never been more wrong. I realized my mistake and let her know face to face. She told me maybe in a while after she got her feelings together. Boyfriend after boyfriend i suffered and watched her enjoy herself with other guys. Still maintaining our fleeting friendship in hopes of rekindling our relationship i did everything in my power to make sure she was happy. Every ounce of my being i poured into this girl. I did everything for her. Took her to prom and paid for all her expenses. She then ignored me and danced with a friend and crush of hers. The same guy who would tell me not to worry because he had no feelings for her, and would turn up dating her the next week. When i say i gave her everything i mean it. I was exhausted, doing poorly in school, and just upset in general. She meant everything to me and i was losing. I was in agony watching her with her new guy. Hearing rumors strewn about from other friends about their adventures in the bedroom. It tore me the **** apart. I had nowhere to go and nowhere to run. I graduated and joined the Army. While serving my time with the guard i also started up college and a good job. She went to school after her graduation as well. Still maintaining contact at points after i got back from training she still gave me hope by being flirty. Then i again found her with another guy. Just replaced again. Used and recycled. I started dating the girl i was with in senior year of highschool. We took a short break but i decided to give it another go. She is a great girl but not the same as the one i had. I know its not fair to my new girlfriend to feel this way still about my previous girl. I can't let the words "I love you" slip past my lips again. Not even if at times i feel like i should say it. Not after what happened. Too be honest "LOVE" has a much deeper meaning to me than it does to most and i don't throw it around unless i'm certain of it. Just recently my ex came up in my dreams again. She always manages to do so. Either us just hanging around and having a genuine conversation and laughing, or a romantic bedroom scene. We never had sex but did mess around a bit. I don't know if this is me trying to hate **** her or if its a genuine attraction. She is still in my ****ing head and i don't know what to do. I can't give my girlfriend now the secure feeling she needs because i myself am not sure of how i feel still. Its been 3 years and i can't move past this. Feel free to leave a suggestion. Thanks guys.

[spiderowl]

Difficult situation and, as you say, not fair on your current girlfriend.

 

Firstly, you need to ask yourself whether your fixation (for want of a better word) on your earlier girlfriend happened mostly because she rejected you. You had already dumped her so you were in control then. It is only when she didn't rush to have you back that your feelings seemed to change. Did she rise in your esteem simply because she rejected you or are their other factors you liked about her? Try to look at this honestly. Some guys simply never accept rejection. In fact some become stalkers because of this (which I am not suggesting of course), but they become fixated and cannot shift course or accept the ego blow.

 

If your feelings changed because you knew her for longer and realised you'd made a big mistake, that is different. Obviously throwing everything at her didn't help and I am sorry you went through that. Why is it that you cannot accept that she has chosen others instead? That choice alone should make you realise that she is not the love of your life. She might be a 'prize' in an all-round sort of woman way, but she does not have the same feelings for you so she is severely lacking. How can you love a woman with a cold heart? What kind of woman is she really?

 

Having said all the above, feelings are not conscious. They operate below reason and steal our lives away. How would you feel if you found one day you no longer had feelings for this other woman? What would that mean to you? I ask because it is worth exploring what remaining attached means to you.

 

Regarding your current girlfriend, please do not say anything to her you do not mean. Tell her you care about her, whatever, but don't tell her you love her if you don't mean it. Ultimately, she will understand where she stands and you may not have any choice as to whether to stay with her, but that's the way things go sometimes.

[SaltedSpades]

Thanks, that actually helped alot

[honeybeesunrise]

I agree with the previous poster that you might be more in love with the idea of her than actually in love with her. When you were with her she made you miserable. If you were with her again you would probably be miserable again. The fact that she goes from boyfriend to boyfriend could be seen as proof of this. She burns men out just like she burned you out.

 

The fact that you dreamt about her is proof that you think about her, and not revealing of anything deeper in my opinion. Like the above poster mentioned, do you really love HER, or the IDEA of her? When we don't know someone very well we fill in the gaps with fantasy. I think if you were to finally have her you would see that she isn't what you think.

 

The most hopeful thing I have to say is that these feeling will pass in time. Maybe a long time, maybe a short time. But it will really help if you minimize (or possibly eliminate) contact with her, and focus your thoughts on other more helpful things. You don't have to try to change how you FEEL about her. Accepting how you feel might actually help you to move on. Accept how you feel, but that your relationship with her is unhealthy. Minimize contact with her, and restrict how much you allow yourself to think about her. Focus on and maximize the GOOD things in your life, the things that you know are real. In time the idea of her that is so torturous and entrenched now will fade. I wish you peace.