123Cupcake123 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I've been dating this guy for a few weeks and I really like him and I think he really likes me as well. We've discussed moving forward with our relationship and I would like to do that and officially become his girlfriend. However, he told me on our last date that his best and closest friend is his ex girlfriend. They didn't date for long, just three months, but they were apparently in love. They had a long friendship before they dated and apparently they still loved each other when they broke up (he said she moved and had some issues where she wasn't mentally ready to handle a relationship) and somehow they made a complete 360 turn back into friendship. He says he doesn't feel that way for her anymore at all because he knew it would cause problems so he got over it quickly and he wanted to tell me this because he thought it was only right for me to know. They like to hang out one on one and he is planning on going to spend a weekend with her to explore her city for his birthday. They text each other every day without fail and it's not uncommon that they say "love u" to each other. He told me that he is not willing to cut her out of his life because he values their friendship so much. He says they're just best friends now so ideally I would like to move forward, especially because she lives 150 miles away. It just feels a little iffy...does anyone have any opinions?
lionlover1973 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I've been dating this guy for a few weeks and I really like him and I think he really likes me as well. We've discussed moving forward with our relationship and I would like to do that and officially become his girlfriend. However, he told me on our last date that his best and closest friend is his ex girlfriend. They didn't date for long, just three months, but they were apparently in love. They had a long friendship before they dated and apparently they still loved each other when they broke up (he said she moved and had some issues where she wasn't mentally ready to handle a relationship) and somehow they made a complete 360 turn back into friendship. He says he doesn't feel that way for her anymore at all because he knew it would cause problems so he got over it quickly and he wanted to tell me this because he thought it was only right for me to know. They like to hang out one on one and he is planning on going to spend a weekend with her to explore her city for his birthday. They text each other every day without fail and it's not uncommon that they say "love u" to each other. He told me that he is not willing to cut her out of his life because he values their friendship so much. He says they're just best friends now so ideally I would like to move forward, especially because she lives 150 miles away. It just feels a little iffy...does anyone have any opinions? It feels iffy? I do not blame you.
basil67 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I have no problems with a person having an ex in their social group. But Best Friends? That would be a whole lot of Nope from me too.
Manyfires Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I would feel weird about that too. And if you are one of the people, who is uncomfortable with something like that, which admittedly not everyone is, it doesn't ever really go away. You might find that you two have a fundamental difference in how you perceive relationship boundaries. To you it may be: being best friends with an ex is strange. To him it might be: this is no big deal. I will offer you my perspective. I dated a guy once with a female best friend. Now, I am very secure in who I am and am not a jealous person. However, I did feel that the liberties they were taking as best friends, while we were in a relationship, violated my idea of boundaries: he would go on late night meet ups with her, midnight movie shows - just them alone. It took him a long time to introduce us even. While for various reasons I was then, and still am now, sure that there was nothing romantic on his end, I was still very uncomfortable with this. To me it was an act of disregard towards me. We broke up for a different reason, but ultimately in a go/no-go decision, all factors play a role.
umirano Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I don't keep exes close, but some people do. I guess if they were friends before and tried a short relationship didn't work out, I could probably wrap my head around them going back to friends. However, the second part of your story does make it a bit weird. I was sort of aboard with your BF until the one on one weekend. I don't see a necessity for the weekend in order for them to maintain a friendship and I'd veto it, if I were in your situation.
Raena Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I had an exboyfriend like him once. We stayed friends until he got engaged and then stopped interacting. It was for the best for his relationship with his now wife. They really could be just friends and since this is the beginning of your relationship with him, I'd hold off on reacting to this until you have known him longer. See how he treats you and where this goes. It could very well be that the distance between them and his budding relationship with you could change the dynamics of their friendship. For now there is not much you can do other than to just watch and see. Of course, if it's really bothering you, you can choose not to continue to see him.
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 In general I have nothing against remaining friendly with an ex. In your case it would be way too much for me. I don't know how old you guys are but what they have seems a little too much even for same gender best friends. It's almost like a high school BFF situation. I mean I don't talk to my best friend 100 times a day and I don't go on trips with her. We're not 17 anymore. I go on trips with my bf and she goes on trips with her bf. We see each other once in a while, I visit her or we grab lunch. We also get together the 4 of us.That's what friendship becomes when you're an adult.
niji Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 They text each other every day without fail and it's not uncommon that they say "love u" to each other. Uh, no thanks. My best male friend and I do not text each other every day, nor do we say "love u" to each other, even though I honestly love him like a brother, he's not just a guy friend, he's one of my closest friends. But that kind of behavior is just not appropriate for best friends of the opposite gender who are dating other people. And this is considering, he and I have never had romantic feelings for each other. We've always just been, best friends. No matter how much you like him, I would advise that this is more trouble than it's worth. You can't come between them and ask him to not interact with her anymore, and with the kind of interaction they have, I doubt you can ask him to scale it back. Unless he's absolutely amazing in every other way, I would call it quit if it were me. 1
hercules22 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 yeah i would move on sounds like you will get cheated on and why would they go out together alone for his birthday 1
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I'm not certain I'd want to go there but I need one other piece of info: how long ago did they break up? If they were friends through middle school, dated for three months in high school & it's now 10 years later, I could possibly tolerate it but I'd have to meet her. If you are the first person he dated since "breaking up" with her, you have no chance here, because he's fully committed to her but they don't understand that for some odd reason.
Author 123Cupcake123 Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 I appreciate all of the responses
Author 123Cupcake123 Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 I'm not certain I'd want to go there but I need one other piece of info: how long ago did they break up? If they were friends through middle school, dated for three months in high school & it's now 10 years later, I could possibly tolerate it but I'd have to meet her. If you are the first person he dated since "breaking up" with her, you have no chance here, because he's fully committed to her but they don't understand that for some odd reason. They dated her senior year in college and his junior year. He is now a senior and she is taking some extra certification classes at another college. They broke up in august 2016
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 They dated her senior year in college and his junior year. He is now a senior and she is taking some extra certification classes at another college. They broke up in august 2016 They are kidding themselves & you about the nature of their friendship. Proceed at your own risk. I don't see this ending well for you. 2
Author 123Cupcake123 Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 They are kidding themselves & you about the nature of their friendship. Proceed at your own risk. I don't see this ending well for you. What do you mean they're kidding themselves?This is annoying, I finally find a guy and this is how it turns out. Luckily I'm not attached yet so I think I'm able to leave before I get hurt lol
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I mean they are telling themselves they are not dating or in a relationship but in reality they have everything accept the label: daily contact, I luv u's; romantic weekends on his birthday weekend. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 Sorry OP, they still have strong feelings for each other. This is not something I would get involved in. Three's a crowd. 3
Timshel Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 What do you mean they're kidding themselves?This is annoying, I finally find a guy and this is how it turns out. Luckily I'm not attached yet so I think I'm able to leave before I get hurt lol That would be the prudent thing to do. Rule of thumb...if a person you are dating is in consistent contact with an ex, best to move along. They either have unfinished business or are too immature to understand the concept of loyalty and the boundaries of intimacy. 1
JS84 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 You need to cut your losses while they're still pretty small.
umirano Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I mean they are telling themselves they are not dating or in a relationship but in reality they have everything accept the label: daily contact, I luv u's; romantic weekends on his birthday weekend. A (romantic) relationship in every aspect, short of sex.
phineas Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 A (romantic) relationship in every aspect, short of sex. That's on his birthday weekend. Eject OP. Eject!
dumbass2 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 Please listen to everyone on here. We all see it the same way. His relationship with his ex is way overboard and shouldn't be acceptable if he's trying to start a romantic relationship with you. I can't see him finding any woman to start a realtionship with that would agree to that.
purrrfectlyflawed Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 If he is best friends with her then he still has feelings for her. People who break up do not remain "best friends". I would be feeling uneasy about this too.
OatsAndHall Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 It doesn't sound like he's moved past her, given the circumstances of the break up. I, personally, would not be okay with this situation. This is a grey area as someone may have a very solid platonic relationship with an e,. I know I did at a point. But I take a black and white approach to it: I don't date women that are in close contact with their exes.
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