Manyfires Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. We had conversations about things that we need out of partnership and dealbreakers and agreed on all the important ones. On the whole things are progressing well. As this is still a new relationship, as I go along, I evlauate it in my mind for future/longevity potential. My BF brings up future with me often, but I feel that I am hesitating internally and here is why. Two things bother me. One is his less than adequate response to certain situations. At 34, and being an educated well-rounded person, he reacts to situations in a very impulsive and sometimes destructive manner. For example, if he feels slighted, he will go to lengths to spite someone or something back even in petty cases. Most of the time it's something petty, but he mulls it over for days, we have long conversations and at the end I manage to convince him that it is not a constructive way to deal with things, and he ends up agreeing. I see this - what I perceive as a lack of maturity - in other actions as well, but he tells me I am used to dating boring people. Maybe that's actually true, but I preferred and still do prefer - stable people, with a predictable non-explosive response to a situation that I can count on. I don't know if he can/will change his reactions (he says he is trying to), or if I can adapt. Second, and perhaps more important issue for me, is in a way related to maturity. Perhaps from the way he was brought up, he is not used to taking interest in other people's lives. In a relationship it manifests in a way that he very rarely asks me about my day. He tells me regularly about everything he does, all his daily successes and failures, we discuss those at length, and while he in general likes talking about himself, I also like knowing that, because it is someone I care about. He started asking me about my day only after I pointed out that he never does, and that happens maybe a third of the time now. If something is bothering me, and I tell him about that in detail, he does usually responds with something sympathetic, but short, like: "Oh, that's tough", or "I am sorry you are dealing with this". No additional questions, or follow up inquiries, and the topic of conversation is changed. That generally discourages me from sharing, as most of the time I feel as though my concerns are not important. Don't get me wrong, he is showing affection in other ways, but just not very caring in this sense. Here is an example, which prompted this post. My brother, who is ill and has been for some time, has been in a hospital this week. We live far apart and I couldn't travel to be with him. It has been all I had on my mind all week. I told my BF when it happened and he asked me if there was anything he could help with, and asked some questions about my brother's condition. That was on Monday. We saw each other twice and kept in constant contact all week, and he has not asked me about this once. A couple times I brought it up that I was really worried and my brother was still in a hospital, and he again said something like "That's too bad, sorry this is still happening". And changed the topic. Meanwhile, I have been in agony all week talking to family, and planning a potential trip. I have shared this as well, unprompted though. My brother came home today and I was able to relax some and it hit me, and has been what I thought about all day. I understand that I am highly streased because of this personal unfolding family situation, but it is really bothering me that he didn't show any interest, and was texting and talking to me about news articles all week. Shouldn't I be able to expect more compassion from a person I am dating, who says he loves me? Everyone else in my life, who knows about the situation, has been checking in to ask, but not the one person I would expect to. Am I being too hard here? Maybe I should talk to him when things calm down and explain that it is important to me that he takes an interest in my life? But I feel that I shouldn't have to explain this, that this should happen naturally. He is not a bad insensitive guy, despite how what I wrote may sound, but I think he is just really oblivious in this sense. I am afraid though that this may not be one of those things that I can have patience to "work on" to get it to a better state. Any feedback would be appreciated and thank you for reading.
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Men don't always initiate conversations, especially emotional ones. I'd be hard pressed to tell you the last time my husband talked to me 1st. lol However, I know he cares because when it's important, he gives me his full attention then engages in the conversation. If when you start the discussion he participates, cut him some slack because he didn't start the conversation. Women are just more verbal. Similarly, after you told him it bothered you when he didn't ask about your day, he's now asking. He listened & he changed his behavior. You got what you wanted. That is a victory. I initially was bothered by the way my husband signed cards, with just him name. No "Dear Donnivain." No "love" just his name. Drove me up a wall. I had to instruct him on the "proper" way to sign a card. His mom told me he'd never change & I was setting myself up to fail because you can't change men. It really is such a little thing, but once he saw how happy it made me, now he signs cards "my way" all the time & I make sure to tell him how happy I am that he does. My husband still hasn't graduated to giving me cards or flowers for no reason. He's always going to be Mr. No-mance instead of the sweep me off my feet Mr. Romance but I am secure in his love for me so I plan most of the romance & he comes along. He's also a lousy planner but I'm great at it. I even had to step in to help plan my own upcoming birthday surprise. His inability to get stuff like that done doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It just means that my love language is still a foreign tongue to him. 2
Gaeta Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I feel your pain. What a coincidence you are posting on this subject today as today I have asked myself if I should end a 6 year friendship because of exact same issue you are exposing. I have spent hours listening to my friend about her work problems, relationship problems, her kids problems but if it's me that needs a shoulder she'll simply say Oh that sucks and changed the subject. In 6 years we have never had a conversation about me and the things that concern me. Today I came to the realization she needs me as a friend but I don't need her sadly. Like you and your boyfriend at first it didn't bother me too much my friend was self-centered but after a few years let me tell you resentment has built up. I came to the conclusion that she suffers probably from some type of personality disorder which prevents her from being empathetic. I don't think I could make it long term if it was my bf with this disability. 1
Author Manyfires Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 Thanks, d0nnivain. You make a lot of good points I agree with in. I think communication is definitely important, and I have ben trying that. In this particular instance though, that's just it - I don't feel like he is engaged in my problems. You ask if he participates - his participation is limited. He'll say he is sorry about the issue, and it must be tough to deal with, and next thing he'll say is that he found a great song online or watched a cool video he'll tell me about. My inner self and the way that I perceive the relationship would tell me that I deserve more attention, or attention span - whichever that is. Should I tell him that I need him to listen and empathize more? Can you teach or explain that? That is the part that worries me. I asked him to be more interested in my day and - you are right - he asks at times, which I do appreciate every time, but it feels like a check list. Is it ultimately incompatible, if I feel like I'd prefer a partner who is actually interested in my day?
Author Manyfires Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 Thanks, Gaeta. I am sorry about your issue too. It is tough and not an easy decision to make for a friendship either. In my case I struggle because there are feelings involved. I ask myself that same question - can I do this long-term, or will resentment build up? I already feel hurt, and with time from there to resentment is not very far probably. I don't know if you can teach empathy...
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 . My inner self and the way that I perceive the relationship would tell me that I deserve more attention, or attention span - whichever that is. Should I tell him that I need him to listen and empathize more? Can you teach or explain that? That is the part that worries me. I asked him to be more interested in my day and - you are right - he asks at times, which I do appreciate every time, but it feels like a check list. Is it ultimately incompatible, if I feel like I'd prefer a partner who is actually interested in my day? If your needs truly are not getting met, you are not obligated to stick around.
Author Manyfires Posted January 28, 2017 Author Posted January 28, 2017 If your needs truly are not getting met, you are not obligated to stick around. True. Just need to decide if this is a dealbreaker need in an otherwise good relationship. It has been weighing heavy on me though.
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