Nearly 4 year relationship destroyed. I am dying.

[tomoyo]

I don't even know where to start, so get ready for a long one. Anyone that actually reads this and gives me some 3rd party input, I greatly appreciate it.

 

I met my ex nearly four years ago on match.com when I was 23. I had always been the "chubby girl" and had been in love (I thought at least) with one of my good friends at the time for like 5 years. I then lost a bunch of weight, finally felt good and desirable and made my move, and was rejected. We aren't friends anymore, which sucks but it was for the best for me. A few months later enter match.com. I was 23, newly confident in my appearance, and just wanted to find someone, and it turns out there is no better place than the internet! I was instantly pounded with messages from guys! What a confidence boost it was. I had scrolled past my ex’s profile several times and his always stood out to me, so you can imagine how excited I was when we finally started talking. He moved things very quickly, and a week later we had our first date (My very first date at the embarrassing age of 23) and it was PERFECT. His friend is a chef at a very nice Italian restaurant, so I met him there and we had an amazing 3 hour off the menu dinner at a special table where we just talked about everything. It was probably the most perfect first date to ever happen. We went out again and it was just as great, found out we had SO much in common, and at the end he kissed me (First kiss!) and that was where I started to doubt myself. Because I felt nothing. No sparks, no fireworks, just someone’s lips smashed against mine. I didn’t know what to make of it. We had a few more dates and the doubt was still there, I didn’t get tingles up my spine when his hand touched mine like I did with my friend, I didn’t get butterflies in my chest when I was about to see him, none of that. But it was the first dating experience I had had and figured that I must just not know what it was supposed to be like. Finally he asked me to be his girlfriend after 2 weeks of dates, and seeing no big reason to object I said yes. I mean I liked him enough, he was nice and sweet, so why not? I didn’t really expect it to be a big deal relationship or last, I just thought I would get some dating experience and he would be a good first boyfriend. Plus I had found out that he had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship 2 months prior where the other girl had destroyed him and he pretty much drank nonstop for the first month. So safe to say I just expected a bit of fun, and to honest his need to text me and see me ALL THE TIME kind of just annoyed me more than anything, I was independent(ish) and liked my space at times. But things got more and more serious between us for the next 3 months, we spent more and more time together, I grew fonder and fonder of him, he took me away for a romantic weekend and we had sex for the first time. And that’s around when things started to change for me. Suddenly I liked him a LOT. I realised that even if my friend showed up and begged for me I would probably say no because I wanted to keep things going with this guy. Around the 5 month mark I realised I was completely in love with him and had eyes for nobody else.

 

This is when things started to go downhill. He still talked about his ex often, and despite saying he loved me, I began to realise that I didn’t think he was over her yet and I became very insecure. I would have random moments of panic of him leaving me for someone else, I felt like he wasn’t as in to me as I him. It seemed like he didn’t really appreciate me as much as I wanted, which was hard. His ex was a fairly unattractive woman, and according to his friends and family had a personality to match. She yelled and berated him in public, cheated on him, made him pay for EVERYTHING despite having very well off parents that paid her bills for her, and didn’t really appreciate the things he did for her. Not to mention she didn’t even live in the same city as us, for the past year they were together it was long distance. I on the other hand had grown more into my looks over our time together (I do not believe in “leagues” and am more about what is on the inside, but I also know that I was considered far more attractive than him and definitely better than his ex), doted on him constantly with affection and support, and was always very happy to say we were a partnership and I could treat him to nights out as well. His friends and family constantly told me how thrilled they were that he had finally found someone that took as much care of him as he did others. So to think he was still hung up on her was a big kick to the stomach to my self worth, when I was giving my all.

 

Around the 10 month mark was when the BIG kick in the face came. After having anxiety for weeks I finally checked his phone (I know I felt awful doing it) and I found out he had been sexting a girl from his class! I was HEARTBROKEN. And this is where we should have broken up. But he insisted that nothing physical ever happened (to this day I have nothing but his word on that), that he was just having some self-esteem issues and that the girl in question had shown interest and made him feel good about himself for fleeting moments. He apologized over and over, swore he loved me and would never speak to her again. And like an idiot I forgave him, I loved him, he was my first everything and I couldn’t imagine life without him. This led to another 8 months together where I was paranoid ALL the time. I found SO many signs of an unfaithful partner, I found Facebook messages asking other girls out for drinks, I found NAKED photos of another woman on his old phone from early into our relationship (he always insisted they were “old” and he had downloaded them from an email to show off to his friends at work), I found a condom in his car (he insisted it was for when he came around my place, but he had bought the car after we stopped using condoms), and I kept forgiving and forgiving and forgiving because he ALWAYS had an explanation. Until finally I found something that couldn’t be explained away. He had been sending semi-flirtatious messages to a girl on Facebook, so I decided rather than confronting him, when he would probably have an excuse, I messaged her. She proceeded to tell me she had no idea that he even had a girlfriend, and that though nothing physical had happened she had been on two dates with him. I confronted him, he admitted to not telling her that he was with me, but insisted it was “just friendly hanging out” and that he had been feeling really depressed and liked the attention. I refused to accept his apology and we broke up. This is where we probably should have ended for good. But a week later I got an email from him pouring his heart out about how much he missed me and loved me and would do anything to try again. And like an idiot I ate it up, I had been DYING that whole week without him and that email felt like I had been pulled out of the water when I was drowning. We agreed to start things back up slow, and the condition of me getting back together with him was that he needed to get counselling to deal with his depression. The happiness was short lived however as I felt CONSTANTLY paranoid. I needed to ask him all the time where he was going, who it was with, who he was texting, and when he would go out with female friends I would hound him even worse, needing him to confirm every time that he had told them that he had a girlfriend.

 

This all let to the big colossal mistake number three came. It was 3 months after we had gotten back together, and though we had made some more wonderful memories together, I was anxious all the time about other girls. Then one night I checked his email, only to discover he had brought some girl I had never heard of to his band practise. I immediately called him and accused him of seeing someone else behind my back, we had a huge fight over the phone where he denied he was up to anything, and then I hung up. Later that night that anxiety continued, so I checked his Facebook messages, only to find earlier that day he had been consoling some girl he had briefly had contact with 3 years prior over her breakup. At first it seemed innocent enough, but about 3 hours after our fight he messaged her “so are you still interested in casually hooking up? I could make you feel better after what that guy did”. I immediately drove to his house and we got right into it, fighting like crazy, he was drunk and insisted that he only sent that message because of our fight earlier that night and because he thought “Well she thinks that I am doing it anyways so what does it matter”. That statement hurt, because it made me feel like if I had just trusted him more than this wouldn’t have happened. Like it was my fault. Then it got even worse, because he turned the tables on me, I tried to turn the fight into a discussion on how we moved past it, and he suddenly said he didn’t think we should be together, because he wasn’t in a good place emotionally, the counselling he had been attending for me was making him realise that he had more to work on than he thought he did. It was devastating, suddenly he was leaving me, and now all I could think about was how much I wanted him, how much I loved him, and how convinced I was that he was the “one”. This lasted about two weeks, before we met up to have a closure talk, ended up kissing in the parking lot and went back to his place to have sex and got back together. This time we said was a “start over” so we kept our distance, didn’t text a lot, and went on a few dates over the course of a month before being “official” again. Once we were officially back together though we just dove right back in to spending most of our time together, and being very serious again.

 

Over the following year things were wonderful, he kept seeing his counselor, seemed to be more open with me, and was more respectful about telling me who he was with. There was only once incidence where I thought something was up, but I never found any proof, so I let it go. By September we had made a huge decision to book a 6 week backpacking trip together across Europe the following May. Everything continued to go wonderful, I was starting to trust him again. Then November came, and I suddenly started having anxiety for about a week. It turned out I had good reason, because one morning we were lying in bed and he out of nowhere says “I need to tell you something”. Then proceeds to tell me that he had been texting a girl for the last week that he had met at work. He claimed he had given her his card under the assumption that she was interested in purchasing a car and that she had initiated flirting with him. He said it never reached sexting, but he “felt good about himself because someone was flirting with him” and let it go on until she tried to take it to the sexing level. He said he then told her he had a girlfriend, and that she went and found me on Facebook and said “is this her?” and then never spoke to him again. At the time I let it go, because I was just happy he had stopped it and thought that he telling me about it meant he was being more open and honest. Now I look back though and wonder if he told me to be honest about it, or if he told me because she had found me on Facebook and he was scared she would tell me herself. For a while after I had anxiety over it, fearing that if he had done that then he might be back to his old ways. But we had Europe booked, and I didn’t want to cancel the trip of a life time, and I was too scared to go alone, so I let it go.

 

Leading up to Europe everything was great, and the trip itself was amazing, a once in a lifetime experience that I never could have done by myself. There were a few small problems while away, his ex girlfriend (the “big bad” that broke him) had started following him on instagram again and liking all of his stuff. It didn’t help that instagram was always a sore spot with me, he rarely put up photos of us and it always felt like he was hiding me, despite him insisting that he just didn’t like social media PDA. He eventually blocked her though, I never found out why but I was just happy that it happened and let it slide.

 

When we got home from Europe things felt better than ever, I thought there was no better way to test a relationship than that, and even after being constantly together for that long period of time we continued to spend time together when we got home. Then finally the big step came. My mom had insisted it was time for me to move out, I was 26 nearing 27 and had just graduated from university so I was definitely agreed. When I mentioned to my ex how I was nervous about affording it as I hadn’t found a good job yet he said it was something that we would solve together, and that he was ready to move in with me. This was HUGE thing, him never being ready for the next step before had been a conflict between us several times. I thought it meant that this was it, we were FINALLY there and this was the start of us moving forward from our rocky past. Everything fell into place for us, we found a beautiful apartment, I found a fantastic new job that paid well, and while looking for job postings I had found him the perfect new job as well. We moved in and everything was wonderful, starting exciting new jobs and a great life together. He was still in school, planning on going to law school in two years, and our plan was to rent this apartment while I saved money and he finished his undergrad, and when law school came we would move together to start the next adventure. For four months living together was wonderful. We had two major fights, one when he lied to me about being out with a female friend because he didn’t want me to “freak out”, but I let it go when I confirmed she knew he was with me and had no interest in him. The second was when he changed our relationship status on Facebook from public to friends only. This made me feel like he was hiding me from someone, but explained that he was making all of his information private on facebook to keep his estranged birth mother (whom he has had no contact with since he was 18 but constantly sends crazy messages to him) so I forgave that. Other than that our time living together felt perfect, he always seemed happy to be there, commented often on how much he enjoyed our place and living together, and brought up a few times how he thought we should look into getting a dog together, even sending me listings he had found. The beginning of December came and we went on my mom’s annual trip to Hawaii (She takes us all every year) and had a GREAT time.

 

When we got home is when **** started to hit the fan. His old boss who he was very close to died of cancer. My ex had always looked up to him and spoke of how happy he was for him because life had only just started to get good for him over the last couple of years. I knew he was very affected by the death, he seemed withdrawn, took more time to himself, and just generally distant. Then one night he put up a screenshot of an album that was basically entirely about someone thinking back on a lost love and missing them and captioned it “for the nights you lie awake just thinking”. And SHE suddenly liked it. Instantly I knew something was wrong. I started getting anxiety again but brushed it off telling myself it was probably just him dealing with old feelings after the loss of his boss. Plus it was Christmas in a few days and I didn’t want to ruin the holidays with a fight. But the anxiety kept growing, so on the 30th while he was out I went on his computer and looked at his emails. And there was an email to her. Telling her he missed her, that he loved her, that she was “it” for him and always would be. Her who treated him SO horribly and then dropped him like a bag of rocks. I thought I had died. Looking through his account I found out she was in town for the holidays and that he had met her for lunch behind my back. I immediately proceeded to drink a pile (bad idea) and confronted him when he came home. Screaming that I knew he saw, that I knew what he told her, and that I couldn’t believe I thought he was the one. I told him I should never have stayed with him and that he was TOXIC to me. And then he made it worse. Instead of begging my forgiveness, swearing to never see her again like I thought he would, he agreed with me. He said he had been thinking for the last few weeks, since his boss died, that he didn’t love me the way he should, didn’t treat me how I deserve to be treated, and didn’t think it was fair to stay with me any longer. Then he said we couldn’t have this talk while I was drunk and called my sister to take care of me and then LEFT when she got there. I spent the rest of the night calling and texting him, BEGGING him to come home and he wouldn’t. He agreed to come over in the morning and speak when we were both I clear heads.

 

The next morning before he came over I sent him a huge message, telling him he shouldn’t leave me, that we could work on it, fix it, make us better if we just tried. I said I would give him space and let him do whatever he needed to do to feel better. He just replied that he was on his way over. He showed up and said he needed to go first. And the proceeded to tell me that his mind had not changed. That he didn’t think we would be able to work because he need to “work on himself” that he had been sinking deeper and deeper into this depression and that he had been slowly withdrawing from our relationship. He said he had never been alone and had always jumped from relationship to relationship and now it had finally caught up to him and he needed space. He said he still loved me a lot, but was not as in love with me as at the start, and that he would not be able to be as long as he was dealing with his problems. He swore it had nothing to do with his ex and that he had known for a long time he wasn’t in a good place, and that the email was more about “closure”. Then he left, despite me BEGGING him to stay he left, and 3 days later he moved out (though barely, he basically left me everything minus his clothes, his bed, and his TV. All of our other furnature, kitchen ware, ect was his and he just left it). Now he has unfollowed me on instagram, taken down all of the photos he did have up of us, and hasn’t reached out to me. He asks our mutual friend often how I am and tells her that he is hurting and misses me but can not get back with me. At first I believed it, that it was a him issue. But then I noticed he had followed HER again on instagram, and they were going back and liking all of each other’s photos. And I think maybe it was all a lie, that he did leave me for her (how I don’t even know she doesn’t even live here). He wrote me the longest letter saying that it was nothing to do with me, that I was always enough, that there was nobody else and that he needed to work on himself and that maybe “someday our paths can cross again when he is a better version of himself”. I don’t know what to do. I feel empty inside. Dead. That he would pick her over me, when she treated him like ****, broke up with him twice because she was “bored” and then the final time because she had met someone else. I NEVER thought she would take him back so she was never that big of a worry. I NEVER saw this coming, other girls sure, but not her. She is a selfish, self centered, spoiled girl. From what I had heard she has been single again for some time now and is likely lonely. I do not know how I will ever get over this. I had made ALL of my life plans around this man. And now I am left with nothing. I want to die. Please someone pull me out of this ocean I am drowning in.

Edited January 27, 2017 by tomoyo

[Zahara]

I don’t know what to do. I feel empty inside. Dead. That he would pick her over me, when she treated him like ****

 

I'm sorry for your pain. It's going to hurt for awhile and it won't always be this way. For now, you will grieve. Lean on your friends and family for support. Treat yourself gently.

 

You are just as toxic as he is -- as you mentioned, he picked someone who treated him so badly, and yet you did the same to yourself. You kept picking someone that was treating you badly. So, it's not so absurd to wonder why he did it. He was being disloyal and distrustful to you over and over and over again. I even lost count and you continuously took him back. You need to look inward as well and figure out why you lacked boundaries and allowed yourself to be treated that way. This is likely a blessing in that it pushes you to look at yourself.

 

I had made ALL of my life plans around this man. And now I am left with nothing. I want to die. Please someone pull me out of this ocean I am drowning in.

 

You're not left with nothing. Before you met him, I am sure your life was meaningful and fulfilling. He's not what completes you. He's not what defines you. If you take out the bits of good and focus on the reality of what you had, you'll realize that all that drama and anxiety was just not worth it. Don't build your life around someone that has shown you time and time again to be unreliable. You may not see it that way now because you are in pain but once the fog starts settling, you'll realize that you deserve much more than this. Also, taking responsibility for where you are helps you slowly move forward to acceptance.

[VeveCakes]

 

You are just as toxic as he is -- as you mentioned, he picked someone who treated him so badly, and yet you did the same to yourself. You kept picking someone that was treating you badly. So, it's not so absurd to wonder why he did it.

 

She took the words right out of my mouth. You said

 

I don’t know what to do. I feel empty inside. Dead. That he would pick her over me, when she treated him like ****, broke up with him twice because she was “bored” and then the final time because she had met someone else.

 

Sit back and read this over and over. WHy on earth would you wonder when you are begging a man who treated you worse than a dog to come back into your life.

 

Consider this a blessing. Delete and block him everywhere from your life. Let him go back to the ex, they can be miserable together.

 

You deserve happiness, and it won't come from being with him. You need to develop self worth. You never did when you losty weight. You let the first man who showed you attention into your life and accepted every terrible thing he did to you.

 

I suggest therapy to see why you allowed yourself to be treated so poorly for so long.

[kasabanz]

Wow, I am so sorry for this first of all. Obviously it's pretty bad that you kept excusing his behaviour but I hope you learned from it! I'm sure lots can relate to that though, it's easy to wear rose tinted glasses in a relationship.

 

 

Don't contact this guy. He's not worth any of your time

[anika99]

Everytime you caught him connecting with other women in inappropriate ways he would give you some story about how the attention from other females made him feel better about himself in some way. There is a lot of information hidden in those excuses. It says that he isn't a whole person on his own, that he is deeply insecure and needs constant validation from women to feel desirable and worthy. He gets his sense of self-worth by getting attention from women.

 

The above is why he his still hung up on his ex. People whose self-worth relies solely on being validated by the opposite sex simply cannot handle rejection. It totally destroys their fragile ego and they cannot accept it. It doesn't matter to him that his ex is a selfish self centred unattractive woman, all that matters to him is that she rejected him and ever since then his ego has been wounded. The fact that this woman who treated him like crap and ultimately completely rejected him is now giving him attention again makes him feel worthy again. I know it sounds twisted because if he were a normal healthy person he would be more interested in being worthy of you, not some crazy trainwreck of an ex.

 

Unfortunately people use their adult relationships to either re- live or work out their unresolved issues. Often those issues are rooted in childhood traumas that are deeply buried and never even consciously thought about. This is why you need to stop tormenting yourself by trying to figure out why her. The psychology behind his choices runs deep and has nothing to do with how good you are or how good you treated him.

 

Break ups are extremely painful and traumatic and I'm sorry for your pain. I know it's real and devastating. Most of us have been through it and so we can promise you that it gets better. It just takes time and patience. You will recover slowly at first and in small increments, but then your recovery will build momentum and one day you will be happy again and feel nothing when you think of him.

 

Take some lessons from this experience. The writing was kind of on the wall regarding how this relationship was going to end. From the moment I started reading about how you were catching him inappropriately contacting other women I knew your story was going to end with him leaving you for another woman. One day you will be ready to date and fall in love again. Don't ever accept that kind of behaviour in your future relationships. The moment you catch your bf secretly contacting other women you show him the door and then permanately close it behind him. You are not left with nothing, you have yourself and you should view yourself as being valuable and worth everything..to you.

[tomoyo]

I appreciate all of the advice, more than you can imagine. And I know that you are all right, that I need to start setting boundaries and I should not have let this person treat me this way. And That I need to start working on my own self esteem because I have never really had any. I know all of these things and that I need to address them.

 

But I am still stuck here feeling like I have been left behind. I knew that her rejecting him had left an impact. But now that I sit here and think of him going back to her and getting to feel "happy" because she has basically "un-rejected" him burns me inside. Especially now that he plans to go to the city she is in for law school. It destroys me to sit here and know that I loved him when he was nothing, before he even started school and was living check to check as a high school drop out car sales men. And now he is to go off to become this big shot lawyer and it just makes me feel that he decided he didn't need me anymore.

 

Its not fair that she can just come back and take him from me. Of course she wants him now, he's now this well travelled, cultured, soon to be lawyer. And he is all those things because of ME. Europe was my plan, I just pushed him to take a chance and come with me, I planned it all, he would never have gone on that trip without me. He's going to be a lawyer because of ME. I supported him and talked him out of dropping out time after time after time, I stayed up and helped him study, I tutored him in classes he had trouble in, I proof-read his essays. I was the one down in the mud with him when he struggled. I got him to take dance classes with me and go to live theatre and all of these things. So of course she wants him now. I loved him before he was all of these things, I appreciated and took care of him when he was nothing and I always told him that I loved him for who he was as a person, and that i would be there regardless of what he chose to do with his life, successful or not. She dropped him because he wasn't good enough, and now after four years of me being the one to hold him up and help him become his best self she just takes him.

 

This is the worst part that eats at me. I was there for the tough parts, and now I am getting left behind. Like some disposable thing that served its purpose.

Edited January 28, 2017 by tomoyo

[Zahara]

Again, you chose to do those things even when he was treating you badly. You have to take full responsibility for where you are. You also need to ask yourself why you supported him that way when he kept on mistreating you. Find out the reason why you needed to appease and coddle -- was it because you hoped it would get him to be loyal to you, maybe validate you, or even love you? This isn't about him anymore. Focus on your actions and why you gave him your all over and over again even when you knew he wasn't deserving of it and even when he kept showing you he wasn't deserving of it.

Edited January 28, 2017 by Zahara

[spiderowl]

I am so sorry. This will hurt for some time but you need to stick it out and wait for the better times to come. I know you want this guy back but he is a lying, cheating *** who does not deserve you. You have given him far too many chances to be faithful and he is incapable of it. It is not your fault, he is a bad apple. Maybe he was always attached to his ex and nothing you did would have made any difference. Do not try to get him back!

 

Seriously, you've had all this agony over his flirting and philandering and you want to hang onto him for the good times. With a guy like this, the good times were always going to be interrupted by the bad times and infidelities. That's what you would have been dealing with forever if you were still with him. The paranoia would have been for life. Don't you deserve better than that?

 

As long as you were/are wrapped up in this guy, you are not able to look beyond him at the possibilities. There are guys out there who want a loving girlfriend and who would not cheat; who you could have fun times with but not have to put up with the pain of them seeking other women. You should have dumped this guy ages ago. Now is the time to learn how to disentangle yourself from this addiction to him; it has caused you enough pain over the years.

 

A first relationship is special. A break-up is devastating at the time and for a while afterwards. But, you will recover. You will come out of this stronger and wiser. Ride the pain until it disperses. It may take a few weeks before you really feel you are getting him out of your system but it will be worth it in the long run.

 

I am truly sorry you are hurting now. Keep posting and seeking support on here. That's what this site is for.

[LitTunnel]

Tomoyo, hate to break this to you and it's going to sting but this guy is a serial cheater and you should not walk away but RUN from this prick. As the old saying goes, once a cheater, always a cheater. Even if he does come back, considering the many, many times he's cheated on you, he'll most likely do it AGAIN.

 

Honey, I'm gonna be frank here. From the sounds of it you seem like such an awesome woman. For you to have done all those amazing things to help out that selfish, cheating, depressed, lying, ungrateful loser ex boyfriend of yours is spectacular. You're straight up a solid woman. Your value is of great demand so don't lose sight of that. I would LOVE to have a girlfriend like you. I pray every night to God if there was a woman on this planet please let it be a woman like you. So you see, there ARE men out in the world who will love you and appreciate you and you won't have to go around through life feeling all this needless anxiety and panic over a scum bag like your ex. He's NO GOOD.

 

Just take time to yourself right now to reflect, feel the pain, and this you will, cry and cry some more. Rage if you have to. But whatever you do, DO NOT CONTACT THIS LOSER. Instead, come back here on these boards and we'll help you out. Don't subject yourself to anymore of his lies and deceit. You're much, MUCH better than that!!!

 

Heck, if you live in the Los Angeles area I would LOVE to take you out!!! haha:)

[RatherNotSay]

I want to die. Please someone pull me out of this ocean I am drowning in.

 

I felt (still feeling, but less now (thank god)) exactly as you've mentioned up there.

 

It wasn't until one year and a half I posted here, hoping I'd find some sort of peace. And I did.

 

I'm still going through this break up, and it's the hardest thing I've been through in my entire life. I still try to find some time to try and post here whenever I can, since I can't express or talk to anyone (I'm a hard guy), here I can write freely (as who I am).

 

Unfortunately, you fell in-love with him, and it hurts so much because he was actually your first. Always, the first love hurts the most, but as soon as you move past it, you will be a different person, a much improved version of you. Look at it from this way, you lost some who never loved you and he has lost someone who truly loved him. Who's loss is it here?

 

I know as much as I write, me or any other member, your subconscious will tell you to ignore, this is not what you want to read, well, it's not, but it is what you have to read/realize.

 

This is guy is toxic for you (not because he's a bad person no,) it's because you love him and he doesn't love you back. This love is not healthy and it's poisonous. You will never be able to let go not until you accept what has happened. Try looking at it from an observer point of view, let the emotions pass and look at them as they do, do this often and soon enough you will start seeing things differently. It took me one year and a half, I still haven't moved on, so, its okay, it might take time but don't give in.

 

The opinion that matters most here is yours honey, and you already know what you ought to do, but its okay, I know its hard (close to impossible) but you're a strong independent woman.

 

And you need to know we have your back here.

[PinkElephants]

But I am still stuck here feeling like I have been left behind.

It's hard when a person gets back together with an ex. You feel like you were an insignificant speed bump in their continuing happily ever after while you're left with mountains of pain.

 

It won't do you any good to focus on them but, if you find yourself thinking about it, remind yourself that they had a bad relationship and broke up once already. They're headed right back into dysfunction while you have the ability to figure out where you went wrong and make better choices next time.

 

Its not fair that she can just come back and take him from me.

She didn't take him. He's not a pencil laying about that she happened to pick up while you weren't looking. He's a man with choices and free will and he chose to leave for her.

 

A man can't be stolen unless he wants to be.

 

Your ex wanted to be stolen. He spent your entire relationship seeking out other women while you cried, begged and convinced yourself that you had the situation under control. Didn't you get tired of fighting with him about other women? You kept applying band-aids in the form of drama and fights but none of it changed him. Why did you convince yourself that every time would be different when every time was the same?

 

You also seem to be quite upset that he was nothing when you met and you made him into something. Do you think he owes you?

And he is all those things because of ME.

I just pushed him

I planned it all

He's going to be a lawyer because of ME

I supported him

I stayed up and helped him study

I tutored him

I proof-read his essays

I was the one down in the mud with him

I got him to take dance classes

I was there for the tough parts, and now I am getting left behind

It seems that you think he is indebted to you because you polished the turd into something desirable. Is this something that you're going to get bitterly hung up on because you can't cope with the perceived injustice?

 

it just makes me feel that he decided he didn't need me anymore.

What if he never did? It sounds harsh but, seriously, what if he never did and you just convinced yourself that he needed you? Read your quote. You pushed, you read, you planned, you got him to do, you did, you did, you did. When did he do anything? Did he want those things or was he pushed into them because you decided? He kept chasing other women; did he want to stay with you or did he because you pushed and begged? Did he actually need you or did you swoop in, decided he needed to change and cattle prod him into being what you want?

 

I had made ALL of my life plans around this man.

Why? Serious question. I assume you want a life of trust, love and respect with a man you can depend on so why after he repeatedly cheated, attempted to cheat, disrespected you, lied, and generally proved himself to be unreliable, untrustworthy and unfaithful would you plan to have a life he's absolutely incapable of giving to you?

 

Instead of begging my forgiveness, swearing to never see her again like I thought he would, he agreed with me.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Next time don't try to manipulate a response because he might take you at face value like this guy did.

 

I'm sure many of my thoughts aren't going to be well received but, as Zahara said, you were an equal participant in the toxicity. The only way to prevent this from happening with the next guy is to understand why it happened with the first and to accept your contribution to the outcome.

 

Many of us here have been in toxic relationships before but have grown and made better choices that lead to happiness. I hope you do the same.

[tomoyo]

Again I appreciate the advice from all. It is hard to see my role in the demise of this because my actions were driven out of love and desire to please him, support him, and make the relationship work. Where as his role in our problems seemed to be driven out of pure selfishness. But now I am starting to see that maybe I should have focused more on loving myself, pleasing myself, and supporting myself first, because if I had done that then I probably would have walked away on my own years ago.

 

I just received this email from my ex:

 

"I want you to know that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I'm sorry I'm such a **** up and this happened. I just want you to be okay and happy. While the thought of you with anyone else makes me feel sick, I know that you deserve somebody who can fully commit to you and cherish you as you deserve and right now I'm just too broken. Im sure you probably want to tell me to go **** myself on a daily basis and I don't blame you. Everyday I wake up feeling so terrible that I hurt you. I hope you're taking care of yourself."

 

I am enraged that he would send this to me. He knows I do not want any contact, I explicitly told him that I wanted distance in order to heal and it is incredibly unfair of him to disrespect that. I'm sure he is sitting there thinking I will find these words comforting, but instead all I read is someone trying to play the role of a martyr, acting as though he walked away so that I could "find better" when we both know that he left to chase her. I am angry that he would disrespect my wishes to have no contact so that I can move forward out of a selfish need to make himself feel better about how he acted. To me those words are just giant "it's not you it's me". I am so tempted to break no contact just so that I can tell him what a giant pile of bull**** that was, but I know engaging with him will just make things worse.

[RatherNotSay]

@tomoyo

 

Last thing you want to do is having any contact with him. Specially if you still have feelings for him.

 

@PinkElephants Could've have put it any better, tomoyo, you need to start looking at this from a different prescriptive so you'd realize what went wrong, and accept it then you can move on. Having any type of contact with him in your current situation will only result in leaving you more blind and lost.

 

It won't be easy, but if he keeps sending you emails, then you will need to block him. You need to start the healing process already, as long as he's there, the wound will only open up more.

 

Plus, I don't get it, what do you see in him? Love indeed truly blinds.

[Zahara]

Again I appreciate the advice from all. It is hard to see my role in the demise of this because my actions were driven out of love and desire to please him, support him, and make the relationship work.

 

No, you were driven by your need to get him to validate you. When you try and try to get a cheater to make it work with you, at some point it boils down to your own dysfunction and lack of self-worth. You're co-dependent. You're confusing love for a toxic attachment.

 

Where as his role in our problems seemed to be driven out of pure selfishness. But now I am starting to see that maybe I should have focused more on loving myself, pleasing myself, and supporting myself first, because if I had done that then I probably would have walked away on my own years ago.

 

Yes, work on yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup.

 

"I want you to know that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I'm sorry I'm such a **** up and this happened. I just want you to be okay and happy. While the thought of you with anyone else makes me feel sick, I know that you deserve somebody who can fully commit to you and cherish you as you deserve and right now I'm just too broken. Im sure you probably want to tell me to go **** myself on a daily basis and I don't blame you. Everyday I wake up feeling so terrible that I hurt you. I hope you're taking care of yourself."

 

I'm sure that's his entitlement talking because he had no issues with running around your back.

 

I am enraged that he would send this to me. He knows I do not want any contact, I explicitly told him that I wanted distance in order to heal and it is incredibly unfair of him to disrespect that. I'm sure he is sitting there thinking I will find these words comforting, but instead all I read is someone trying to play the role of a martyr, acting as though he walked away so that I could "find better" when we both know that he left to chase her. I am angry that he would disrespect my wishes to have no contact so that I can move forward out of a selfish need to make himself feel better about how he acted. To me those words are just giant "it's not you it's me". I am so tempted to break no contact just so that I can tell him what a giant pile of bull**** that was, but I know engaging with him will just make things worse.

 

You are surprised he is disrespecting you? He has been doing it for a long time. Why wouldn't he disrespect you now?

 

You taught him that you have no boundaries. So, he's going to do what he wants to do.

 

Don't respond to his message. Block him. Don't give him the satisfaction of alleviating his guilt -- if he has any, which I highly doubt.

[tomoyo]

I have just looked up the definition of 'co-dependant' and think that you are right Zahara, reading the description made me feel like they were talking about me specifically. But I do not not how to change that. I did not have a happy fulfilling life prior to my relationship, so meeting him was like a breath of air and was where all of my satisfaction came from. How do you change something like that about yourself?

 

Now I sit here and feel that his cheating on me was completely my fault. Is a cheater a cheater because that is what they are, or is it my lack boundaries that caused him to be one? The only thing that was getting me through knowing he was going back to her was the thought that 'well he will probably just cheat on her too, so not a loss for me', but now I think maybe not. Maybe I was the problem all along and now he is going to go and be a perfect faithful partner to her, and that I could have had that from him if I had not been so dependent on him.

[BlkVelvet]

I have just looked up the definition of 'co-dependant' and think that you are right Zahara, reading the description made me feel like they were talking about me specifically. But I do not not how to change that. I did not have a happy fulfilling life prior to my relationship, so meeting him was like a breath of air and was where all of my satisfaction came from. How do you change something like that about yourself?

 

Now I sit here and feel that his cheating on me was completely my fault. Is a cheater a cheater because that is what they are, or is it my lack boundaries that caused him to be one? The only thing that was getting me through knowing he was going back to her was the thought that 'well he will probably just cheat on her too, so not a loss for me', but now I think maybe not. Maybe I was the problem all along and now he is going to go and be a perfect faithful partner to her, and that I could have had that from him if I had not been so dependent on him.

 

No, No, No, and NO. YOU didn't make him cheat. That's who he is, and it has nothing to do with you. What DOES have to do with you, is your ACCEPTANCE of his despicable, disrespectful behavior. Now that IS a YOU problem.

 

You have to fully OWN this or you will just find yourself in the same type of relationship again and again. People can only do to you what you allow them to do, period.

 

When you decide to embrace that fact, you take your power back almost instantly, and you will FEEL that power on a deep level also instantly.

 

And you will feel a huge burden lift. Promise.

[Zahara]

I have just looked up the definition of 'co-dependant' and think that you are right Zahara, reading the description made me feel like they were talking about me specifically. But I do not not how to change that. I did not have a happy fulfilling life prior to my relationship, so meeting him was like a breath of air and was where all of my satisfaction came from. How do you change something like that about yourself?

 

It's not something you change overnight. I would suggest looking for a good therapist. It'll normally take a few tries to find one that fits but when you do find one that fits, it'll be rewarding. Other things you can do is read up on the subject. There's a lot of literature out there about rebuilding your self-esteem. Just as you read up on co-dependency, you'll find reading material on loving yourself as well. It's life long journey. I would suggest you stay away from dating for a bit and start to turn your focus and energy inward. You have to rebuild from the inside out. Losing weight was just an external fix. What are your goals? What will it take to accomplish them? What are you passionate about? What are your fears? How will you overcome? Dig deep. Ask questions. Journaling is very helpful. This is a blessing for you, a catalyst that's going to push you to look at yourself. It's time to cultivate your life.

 

The bold -- when we are empty inside, we look for external sources to fill that void. This is why you held on to him for dear life. The thought of being on your own and facing that void inside you was far more frightening than being with someone, even if it was someone that was hurting you.

 

Now I sit here and feel that his cheating on me was completely my fault. Is a cheater a cheater because that is what they are, or is it my lack boundaries that caused him to be one? The only thing that was getting me through knowing he was going back to her was the thought that 'well he will probably just cheat on her too, so not a loss for me', but now I think maybe not. Maybe I was the problem all along and now he is going to go and be a perfect faithful partner to her, and that I could have had that from him if I had not been so dependent on him.

 

A cheater is a cheater because he chooses to do so based on his own unconsciousness. It has nothing to do with you.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Zahara