leeyco Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 I came through this site, while surfing through. I am caught in a dilemma of breaking up and still would want to make things up with my current-ex. I would hope there are someone here could drop some advice. It was the 2nd time we broke up. It was high-in-the-air, when the beginning we managed to patch things up, and we even spend some precious time during Valentines, untill about more than 2 months ago, the disaster started.... It has been already about 2 months, and I am still dwelling very much into her. We are no longer talking, not even as friends now. As I had really done so much harm to her, that she couldnt even take me as friends. I felt really terrible and was almost broke down for a few times of what I did to her. almost everytime, when i thought back how much we had went through, and it feels extremely terrible to know how much she had loved me, and the way I mistreated her. why am I only regrettin now? Why wouldn't I see it earlier? She is the kind of girl who wants full protection and lots of pamper and care. I did not give her. I was too stress with my work and business that time. I couldn't stand her temper and nagging. I expect the relationship to be a peace of mind for me. I do not want any arguments or nagging from her especially when I am stress the entire day from other things. We had had plenty of arguments over small petty issues, we just did not see the same direction even over some small matters. Everytime when we argued, I did not take the initiative to patch things back and just left the incident gets colder and pretend there are nothing happen the next day. I was too lazy to make such a fuss, and did not want her to feel insecure if I would have to voice my unsatisfactory over certain matters. And there, one day, the last big fight we had, when she nag and complaints, I begin to loose my temper and exploded, I left her behind while we were walking back to work after lunch. She was complaining about the way I walked and that had blocked her way. She was a bit temperamental. I was abit frustrated over the issue not only that but after all the little things that she picks on me. We did not talk for days, and I did not even bother to call her. What kind of bf I am? I seek for other ways to entertain myself, meet new friends, hanging out with other friends and new girls, knowing she is longing for my call and care, but I didn't. I started to have doubts whether do she really loves me? Or am I suppose to think like this? I was wondering why can't she just follow and obey me? Well, now I could only understand that, thats her actual self and she is just longing for my attention in everyways, through her temper and tantrums. Anyway, one night she called again, asking me to fetch her home, after some company events, (I used to fetch her home no matter what, I like to treat her well last time) but this time I refused and gave excuse that her home is too far and inconvenient, as I got to attend another function at another area. She managed to go back. She sms me, asked about me, my whereabouts, and she recalls me how the first time we met. I did replied but did not give any response to what she just said, I just said OK, good night. sleep early... Why? Why? Why? Why am I such an idiot????? I was still having doubts about myself and her and everything, I just felt really insecure about my future that time and that I was really stress with my business. I did not know how to handle those sort of feelings. In my mind, I really wanted to give her all the best I could, but in another, I find that I have too many burdens with me and that I can't give her my best. I was still making decision, thinking...and confused. After that, we still manage to talk, but after a few words we end up in arguments again, especially when she say something that don't suits to my hearing, I begin to have temper again. She just keep quiet throughout the conversation and I couldn't stand she keeps quiet. I hung down the phone. The next day she calls me in the office, I was cool down abit, she said she just wanna talk to me and hear my voice, but I refused, I said we can chat in the net instead, as there are too many people in the office. Not so convenient. Another thing that is troubling me, is that this relationship is underground all the while. She is not ready to let her parents and friends know because they are very strong in their religios, she is a christian. Her family would really want her to be with a strong christian, most of all someone who is strong spiritually. She also refused to meet my parents either, up till now I still don't know why. Therefore, we couldn't be any close in the public, not even holding hands! These are the problems that were troubling me and caused me all the anger. Straight to say, I have a very high temper kind of behaviour, I get frustrated, and get out of control easily, especially things dont work in my ways. Bad huh? Then one afternoon, we went for lunch despise all the arguments we had. I thought we could talk things out, but sad to say, she suggest us to remain as friends (this is the 2nd time) and see how it goes. I don't like that decision. I requested her to just stay and wait for me a while, and give me some time. I gave alot of reasons why I am like that. But it wouldnt change her mind. She said we cant continue if we cant tolerate each other. Its the best for us. I wasn't really happy with what she said. I told her, I really want her to stay, as this is not the right time she should leave. I want someone who can go through hard times together with me, and learn from each other our mistakes. I want her to listen to everything I say, why can't ?? She said she cant do it alone, if I refuse to change. I was wondering how am I going to change, why can't she accept who I am? I begin to throw my temper again. Damn me!!!! We walked back from lunch after that. She was supposed to go in by another lift to her office, but she followed me instead. I was still in anger, and I couldn't even bother. She walks me back to my office, I don't even wanna have a glance at her. I am still holding grudges inside me that she would made that decision. it was totally awful. I msged her to see if we could talk things out, but end up in the fight again, even after we broke off. I don't know why after all the arguments, I still do think of her very often and still treating her as my gf, even after the break. The next day, I had a lunch appoinment, but she insisted that she needs my company. I was wondering, why did she want to break up with me and still wanna go out with me? I was kinda soft hearted, and I went to accompany her instead. We went shopping, and still talk to each other nicely. It was really sweet to see her trying new clothes. She could just look so lovely while she is shopping. Well, in the middle, there is this phone call from my business partner that really pissed me off, and that I need to go back and rush things up. I begin to get frustrated again, and shouted at her, unconciously. She was happily trying some new clothes there and that I hurried her with my temperemental face. Her expression totally change to see me like that. We walked back, and i hurried off to the office without even caring about her. I was totally regretted after the incident, but did not want to say sorry. Yes, I am an extremely egoistic moron especially after I appeared in most of the newspapers here, locally, I felt high-in-the-air, and was wondering if she really suited me. Thats the worst part of me. I did not apologize although I know I should, but in my mind that time I do always think I have the rights for everything....****..Damn me again!!!!!! The next morning, I text her for breakfast instead, she agreed. But I was late, as some of the trainees in my company called me for a short photograph session. Then when I am ready, she complaints and nagged me again why am I late. I lost my control again. I told her why she has to react this way. I couldnt stand it. She scolded me back and we fought again. After each and every arguments, I felt really sorry for what I did. I just don't know what I should do. sometimes I don't think saying sorry will help....Really sad. She calls me at night, while I was hanging outside with some friends. We managed to talk nicely this time. After all the hassle I really wanted to make it up again. I told her we will talk after the Korea trip. I told her I will miss her. We were suppose to talk before I left for Korea, the next day at the airport but it was too late and she was too tired. At Korea, I called her. We chat for a while, but she sounded really different, like as if I am a stranger to her. I did alot of thinking in Korea. I want to ammend things back. I realized all my mistakes. I told myself she is the right person I would want, and thought to start all over again for the second time. (we broke up last yr and went back together after few weeks)... When I returned I gave her a call, I still call her names like baby, darling...she told me that I am not suppose to call her those names as we have to remember our status. I was abit confused and told her, alrite then. The next week, we had some short chats, but we turn up in arguments again, well I admitted, I started it first. I brought up things that would definitely hurt any human in this planet! I told her to return all the stuff I gave her, etc, and returned all the cash she had owed and etc...and treatened her. (SILLY IDIOT!) .... She keeps quiet, I insisted...then we hung up. After another min, I told her to forget everything I had just said and apologized. She said she wants to make things clear to me. Then we had a chat, I felt really regret of what I did. I did not realize when I was in anger. ANGER KILLS ME... she came to clear things out with me. She said, this is final, we don't need to expect things from each other anymore and that we should have a clear mind that there are no strings attached anymore. She said it's better we just remain ordinary friends. I was really upset and lost of words to say, as I felt that what I have done was over the limit. I couldnt or dare to say a word or anything to make her stay. Yes I have a very serious problem. I admitted. I found out she was still giving me chance, untill I told her to return all the stuff etc..... she can't stand that I had totally 180 degrees changed. She has lost her faith on me. Totally gone. I can see right straight from her eyes. I could only despair of what I had just done. I did win a battle but I had lost a war. After the break, the past few months, I had been trying hard to do something so that she could realize how much she meant to me. I am really regretted now and that she is the one I loved most, and the one I treated most badly. Why am I like this? I had tried calling her, emailing her as normal friends, and even text her on her cell. This did anoyed her, and she called and email me again to clear things up. She told me to stop emailing, texting, calling her, she wants total disconnect from me. I wasn't able to cope because when we seperated we did agreed to be friends, but now she said she couldnt, she just couldnt, not sure for how long. She said she needs the space and time. She had made clearly to ask me to let her go. She begged for me to let her go. I did tried to stop whatever ways to communicate with her, but once a while I will just walk by her area to havea peep and glance at her. Untill one day, while she was going back from work, I saw her around, and was wondering where is she going. I followed her at a distance, just only to concern why is she still there at that time, as she usually go home very punctually after work. (yes we work in the same company at different departments) I waited with her, and continue to take a look at her at a distance, but after a while, I was abit shock that she had dissappeared. I left and walked back to the office, and on the way, I bumped into her, it was quite a surprise, and I just stopped her to say "hi", she took a glance and ignored me. The next day, she sent me another mail, to ask me stop stalking at her, and she couldnt take that anymore. She made it clear again to please let her go, and stop stalking at her anymore, she said she cant breathe, and that she needs time, she even forbids me to call her friend (the only one who knows about our stuff). I was really down, and broke off to receive that mail.....I felt so sorry and had the most terrible moment in my life. I even tried dying......... Nothing I could do, but just pray hardly. As I begin to accept the truth and the fact, I started a blog for her, to cover all my daily activities and what I felt, without her notice. The only person that I told was her friend (also my colleague), and all this while this person has been helping us in this. She gave the blog url to Rebecca, without my notice, and oh yes, she finds it quite sweet and touch of what I wrote in the blog, untill 2 days ago. As that last blog I posted, was about her personal life and her past and part of mine as well, I was confessing and praying to God how much we had sinned and please forgive us and etc. I didn't know she read my blog all this while, untill I posted that confession. She was really mad and dissappointed again of what I did, revealing her past and personal life to the public. This time, she wasnt really angry, but she was just totally expressionless. She told she has already immune after all the harms I did to her constantly. I broke down right in front of her. I begged for her forgiveness, and keep apologizing. She said she had already forgive me many times, many many times, and I am again constantly doing harm to her, she do not know how she could feel this time....she felt immune. As I was breaking down, she called several times although she is real mad, to ask about me. I was glad, but am still felling really guilty. She told me not to do anything stupid no matter what, she asked me to move on and concentrate on myself first. She said its impossible anymore for us. I was totally heart break. I did not know why, has it got to come to this stage. God knows my intention, its not mean to harm her or anything. I dont even have the heart to have hurt her again. I just want to let her know that I truly love her, I am for real this time. Especially after realizing all my mistakes. We really had some fun times together and we did went through alot, although it was just a short 11 months. I really treasure what we had went through. And I am willing to change, my attitude, my behaviour and my character. I really need her. I did not know that all the fuss she had put on me, just only long for my attention. I did not know how she thinks and did not even understand. The only thing I thought of is myself, how I felt and what I get. I found that's really bad. The hurt I am getting is not from her, its from what I did to her that makes me feel guilty and hurting. I have hurt someone that I love..... Even untill now, my insticnt tells me that she still care for me and love me in some ways, but she is too afraid to see and be friends with me after all I did. I do really make a decision to wait for time to pass, I do really want her back, after she heals....I really want to put things back in order, I know after this stage we could have a better life. I still think of her so often. I never had such feelings before, mt previous relationship heals really fast, after 1 or 2 weeks, I could get up and be myself, but this time it has already for 2 months and I know she is just the one for me. I just know deep inside me. Anyone? Please help...please consult.....please please! Thanks.
sanne Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 first things first, please learn some grammar. secondly, you need to do just what she is asking you to do, back off and move on with your life. you won't get her back by begging and crying, you need to leave her alone for a while. you also need to change your own behaviors and that can only happen when you are apart from her.
Author leeyco Posted July 23, 2005 Author Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by sanne first things first, please learn some grammar. secondly, you need to do just what she is asking you to do, back off and move on with your life. you won't get her back by begging and crying, you need to leave her alone for a while. you also need to change your own behaviors and that can only happen when you are apart from her. I am learning to move on now and change my life, but its kinda pain in the ass especially when times i m still thinking of her very often, and i m still feeling the guilt inside me. i m still coping though...
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