How do you know when is the right time to end a relationship?

February 13, 2017

No, one thing he never asked me for is money of any kind. At the start of our relationship, he took me to expensive dinners out, bought concert tickets and flowers all the time. For my birthday, he bought an expensive French champagne to celebrate it. I suspect this contributed to getting him deeper into debt (although I had no idea at the time). He claims that's the lifestyle he lived pre-divorce so it's hard to adjust to the lack of money.

Once he started to max out his cards, we started eating at cheaper places and we would go Dutch. Then we started cooking and eating at home (each would pay for ingredients depending on whose place we were at) and doing free stuff, like free concerts, picnics and going camping. It's relatively easy to find free dates.

I know of guys who would spend a ton of $$ in pursuing women, even though they are pretty much broke themselves. I think that these guys are desperate to appear like a great catch...

February 23, 2017

I finally ended it today.

I tried to last week but he again made promises that he already broke this week. So I just pointed that out and was as kind as possible. Basically just telling him that he needs to get his life together before he is ready to date at all and agreed to stay friends with him. I also told him that I was unhappy, my needs weren't being met and it's not fair to him to have an unhappy girlfriend on the top of issues he is already dealing with.

As much as it sucks, I am relieved it's over.

Edited February 23, 2017 by Eternal Sunshine

February 23, 2017

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you handled it as best as you could - a breakup is never going to be an happy event. Onwards and upwards. Enjoy the Springtime.

February 23, 2017

I mean in situations where the feelings and spark is still there but you don't feel like the other person is treating you well.

Any logical pointers that help you make that decision?

When I was younger, when she was physically assaulting me or regularly emotionally abusing me.

Nowadays, from the first sign of emotional instability that will inevitably lead to the above.

February 23, 2017

When I was younger, when she was physically assaulting me or regularly emotionally abusing me.

Nowadays, from the first sign of emotional instability that will inevitably lead to the above.

I saw the first sign of emotional instability on the third date. Wish I cut my losses back then.

February 23, 2017

I finally ended it today.

I tried to last week but he again made promises that he already broke this week. So I just pointed that out and was as kind as possible. Basically just telling him that he needs to get his life together before he is ready to date at all and agreed to stay friends with him. I also told him that I was unhappy, my needs weren't being met and it's not fair to him to have an unhappy girlfriend on the top of issues he is already dealing with.

As much as it sucks, I am relieved it's over.

I am sorry, ES. I commend your strength in sticking with what you know you deserve, and I believe you will truly find it! Hugs

February 23, 2017

I finally ended it today.

I tried to last week but he again made promises that he already broke this week. So I just pointed that out and was as kind as possible. Basically just telling him that he needs to get his life together before he is ready to date at all and agreed to stay friends with him. I also told him that I was unhappy, my needs weren't being met and it's not fair to him to have an unhappy girlfriend on the top of issues he is already dealing with.

As much as it sucks, I am relieved it's over.

It sounds like you have done it in a very mature manner. Good that you can stay friends. Usually the party who didn't initiate the breakup doesn't want to do that...

February 23, 2017

I saw the first sign of emotional instability on the third date. Wish I cut my losses back then.

It's always so much easier to see it in hindsight. You definitely made the right decision to end it. He needs to get through his divorce before he can be available for a relationship.

February 24, 2017

It sounds like you have done it in a very mature manner. Good that you can stay friends. Usually the party who didn't initiate the breakup doesn't want to do that...

I think he is still holding on to some hope that I will give it another chance once he gets his life together. He has been sending me good night/good morning messages like the break up didn't happen

February 24, 2017

I think he is still holding on to some hope that I will give it another chance once he gets his life together.

and would you?

March 1, 2017

and would you?

Honestly, I don't think I would.

As I got to know him better, he has some traits that I think would make him a poor partner in the long run. He is highly impulsive, seems incapable of long term planning, tells a lot of small lies (and some bigger ones)...He is extremely inconsistent in words and actions. Promises the world, delivers about 10-20%. On the top of this, he is either borderline or full on functional alcoholic (gets the shakes in the mornings if he doesn't drink) - although he has kept his job for over 15 years.

I remember reading one of our arguments to my dad that we had over g-chat. My dad said to me: "he sounds like a total BS artist, my dear daughter, this is not the man to invest your future in. Run."

I also feel like he somewhat conned me into a relationship. He didn't disclose or straight up lied about how messy his situation really is.

Since the break up, he has been sending me constant messages asking to meet up or trying to apologize. I finally had to block him today. He was always contact heavy so it feels....strange. Complete silence now. I am watching a thunderstorm from my window and am feeling pretty lonely. I kind of feel that even though I was the dumper, I was the one that got hurt in the end.

March 1, 2017

I am so sorry that you are hurting. {{{Hug}}}

As I mentioned previously, I know of someone who would spend lots of $$ on pursuing a woman and would appear to be very financially sound, even though he had to get into debt for that. Coincidentally, this person would also be super persistent whenever the woman initiated to break up. He would also tell many white (or not-so-white) lies. I am not sure if these traits always go hand in hand.

I saw from your earlier thread that the chemistry between you two was off the charts. I assume that was before you found out about his white or bigger lies. Did learning about these lies destroy the chemistry?

Honestly, I don't think I would.

As I got to know him better, he has some traits that I think would make him a poor partner in the long run. He is highly impulsive, seems incapable of long term planning, tells a lot of small lies (and some bigger ones)...He is extremely inconsistent in words and actions. Promises the world, delivers about 10-20%. On the top of this, he is either borderline or full on functional alcoholic (gets the shakes in the mornings if he doesn't drink) - although he has kept his job for over 15 years.

I remember reading one of our arguments to my dad that we had over g-chat. My dad said to me: "he sounds like a total BS artist, my dear daughter, this is not the man to invest your future in. Run."

I also feel like he somewhat conned me into a relationship. He didn't disclose or straight up lied about how messy his situation really is.

Since the break up, he has been sending me constant messages asking to meet up or trying to apologize. I finally had to block him today. He was always contact heavy so it feels....strange. Complete silence now. I am watching a thunderstorm from my window and am feeling pretty lonely. I kind of feel that even though I was the dumper, I was the one that got hurt in the end.

March 1, 2017

My dad said to me: "he sounds like a total BS artist, my dear daughter, this is not the man to invest your future in. Run."
....I am watching a thunderstorm from my window and am feeling pretty lonely. I kind of feel that even though I was the dumper, I was the one that got hurt in the end.

Hey ES. Glad you got rid of that sack of trouble. I agree with your dad!

I think this guy started dating you because you were a breath of fresh air to all his problems, but once you started wanting to be more serious, see him regularly, etc, he didn´t want to deal with a relationship. Especially since there were sexual problems on top of that.

I don´t even know why you liked this guy!

March 1, 2017

Hey ES. Glad you got rid of that sack of trouble. I agree with your dad!

I think this guy started dating you because you were a breath of fresh air to all his problems, but once you started wanting to be more serious, see him regularly, etc, he didn´t want to deal with a relationship. Especially since there were sexual problems on top of that.

I don´t even know why you liked this guy!

Yup agree with this. At first he kept saying how fun, light and happy he feels around me. I took the burden of listening to his ex wife and divorce problems. He never even asked about me. My dad was in hospital at the time, he barely said 2 words about that. At first I didn't mind because it takes me a while to open up.

Once I started demanding more of his time, some consistency in words/actions and when I tried to lean on him for support over my problems, he kept saying how he can't deal with much more stress. I said something like "Hey I am not here to entertain you, I am a person too with my own problems and needs." He always said the right words though "Yes, I want a serious relationship, I am deeply in love with you, I want you to be happy.". All just empty words.

March 1, 2017

I am so sorry that you are hurting. {{{Hug}}}

As I mentioned previously, I know of someone who would spend lots of $$ on pursuing a woman and would appear to be very financially sound, even though he had to get into debt for that. Coincidentally, this person would also be super persistent whenever the woman initiated to break up. He would also tell many white (or not-so-white) lies. I am not sure if these traits always go hand in hand.

I saw from your earlier thread that the chemistry between you two was off the charts. I assume that was before you found out about his white or bigger lies. Did learning about these lies destroy the chemistry?

It disappeared for me big time. The chemistry I felt was back when I didn't know about any of his lies. When I found out that he lied to me about being divorced (when he was only separated and miles away from actual divorce), I initially ended it. He hounded me for 2 weeks, sent flowers to my work, left notes, promised me the world. I stupidly gave in. I never felt the same again though.

I need to learn not to second guess my decisions. And also, just because someone is really persistent it doesn't mean that they really have feelings for you. Hounding you is actually a red flag. It means that they don't respect your decisions and have no boundaries

March 1, 2017

He always said the right words though "Yes, I want a serious relationship, I am deeply in love with you, I want you to be happy.". All just empty words.

He said that because he knew that was what you wanted, but I his "love" never showed much other than that. I remember when he told you he loved you and then took it back so you wouldn´t make much of that. With all that flaking it seems he wants out too.

March 1, 2017

I went through something similar to the guy in this situation. The main difference is that I didn't lie about my marital situation. Where I live there is a long legal separation period required before a party can file for divorce. However, all the financial and child rearing arrangements can be done immediately. It's definitely less of a stigma to date a separated person. However, I wouldn't date someone who was still in the process of negotiating a settlement. If the settlement were already done and they were just waiting for the calendar to allow for the divorce to be granted I might consider it. Otherwise, no. I learned the hard way.

When I got involved I thought I was doing well. In fact I probably was, except my settlement wasn't done. When my STBX found out I was involved with someone she lost it and set about making my life a living hell, delaying settlement hearings, and legal processes, and refusing to negotiate anymore which caused me to rack up huge debts that I only recently finished paying.

That added a large amount of stress to my new relationship, which was not able to survive it. I broke up with her because I could see that she wasn't happy and fulfilled. I was just adding stress to her life. It seemed unfair to her to keep her around under the circumstances. We parted on very good terms and are still on good terms today. This was a bonafide "It's no you, it's me" breakup.

March 2, 2017

I went through something similar to the guy in this situation. The main difference is that I didn't lie about my marital situation. Where I live there is a long legal separation period required before a party can file for divorce. However, all the financial and child rearing arrangements can be done immediately. It's definitely less of a stigma to date a separated person. However, I wouldn't date someone who was still in the process of negotiating a settlement. If the settlement were already done and they were just waiting for the calendar to allow for the divorce to be granted I might consider it. Otherwise, no. I learned the hard way.

When I got involved I thought I was doing well. In fact I probably was, except my settlement wasn't done. When my STBX found out I was involved with someone she lost it and set about making my life a living hell, delaying settlement hearings, and legal processes, and refusing to negotiate anymore which caused me to rack up huge debts that I only recently finished paying.

That added a large amount of stress to my new relationship, which was not able to survive it. I broke up with her because I could see that she wasn't happy and fulfilled. I was just adding stress to her life. It seemed unfair to her to keep her around under the circumstances. We parted on very good terms and are still on good terms today. This was a bonafide "It's no you, it's me" breakup.

The exact same thing happened here! The ex wife went off the rails once she found out he had a girlfriend. She started delaying everything and not turning up to hearings too. She would also punish him by not letting him see his children. Since they didn't have a formal arrangement yet, she would often try to guess which evening per week he was spending with me and then would call him last minute offering him to see the children that evening. If he didn't, she would tell him how he is a horrible father that chooses a new girlfriend over his own children. She would also make up constant emergencies and demanded more and more money. He wasn't assertive enough and refused to get proper legal help. His ex was controlling my life too trough him. It was next to impossible to make any plans.

Funny thing is, I am capable of withstanding a lot. If I thought that this was the man for me, if he didn't deceive me, I would have likely stood by him. But add all that stress to my life for a man that has already betrayed me? Just no.

Ever since I blocked him, I was able to sleep through the night for the first time in many months.

March 8, 2017

I just saw that this guy is back on OLD sites. His profiles were disabled when he was with me.

He has learned absolutely nothing about needing to sort his life out first. I can't believe that he is looking for another poor woman to drag into his mess

March 9, 2017

This is coming from a male point of view. We do actually tune our significant others out. Your guy is going through a divorce. He's stressed. This stress is being dealt with most likely by him internalizing it. It's causing his sexual dysfunction. He's probably got high blood pressure too.

My one piece of advise. Tell him your going to end the relationship if your list of demands aren't discussed. I'm not kidding. If it's meant to be he will listen and change will happen.

I was blind sided by my recent girlfriend. I too, going through a divorce. I have my own issues. I questioned her love. I wasn't confident after what my soon to be ex wife put me through. I also wasn't getting divorced quickly enough in the GF eyes.

I'm heart broken. I truely love my GF. If I had known or had she been blunt enough with me I would have changed my tune. I would have learned what I needed too do to keep it going. I failed. I think if you care enough for this fella you should give him that and be blunt.

March 12, 2017

This is coming from a male point of view. We do actually tune our significant others out. Your guy is going through a divorce. He's stressed. This stress is being dealt with most likely by him internalizing it. It's causing his sexual dysfunction. He's probably got high blood pressure too.

My one piece of advise. Tell him your going to end the relationship if your list of demands aren't discussed. I'm not kidding. If it's meant to be he will listen and change will happen.

I was blind sided by my recent girlfriend. I too, going through a divorce. I have my own issues. I questioned her love. I wasn't confident after what my soon to be ex wife put me through. I also wasn't getting divorced quickly enough in the GF eyes.

I'm heart broken. I truely love my GF. If I had known or had she been blunt enough with me I would have changed my tune. I would have learned what I needed too do to keep it going. I failed. I think if you care enough for this fella you should give him that and be blunt.

I do feel like this guy "loves me" or "loved me" in a way of what he is capable of in the current situation. I don't think he has been efficient and assertive enough in dealing with the divorce. I am not sure if at this rate he is even going to be divorced 5 years from now.

He has been contacting me every day since I ended it. Mostly he makes small talk about his day. When he has a few drinks he tells me that he is in love with me and misses me terribly. I have told him that when his child visitation is sorted out, finances under control and divorce finalized to let me know. Until then the decision is made.

March 13, 2017

Hello, this just happened to me. A guy I had dated in high school contacted me this past December. We spoke over email a few times and exchanged numbers and wound up speaking on the phone. On the call he proceeds to tell me "full disclosure" he's separated and going thru the process of divorce. He says he would like to try dating me and we could take it slow. I wasn't really comfortable with knowing he wasn't fully divorced so I inquired what stage his divorce was in. Turns out they hadn't even filed and a month later he told me they are "kinda in limbo and both ok with it." Well guess what dude? That doesn't work for me. I let him know this. I had brought it up a few times and he wound up giving me the brush off and said he doesn't want to complicate his already complicated situation. I said to him, you should have thought more about this before ever contacting me and thinking we might date. So it ended and I'm glad it did. Oh one other thing - on his facebook page it says married and all of his wedding photos are up there. WTH is that about??? If you're in the process of divorce would all of that still be on your facebook page?

Edited March 13, 2017 by Darien 76

March 24, 2017

Couple of days ago I got a long message from now ex telling me how much he loves me and misses me and wants to do anything it takes for a second chance. He has also informed me of his divorce progress. He asked me if I want to go to couple's councilling with him so that we can learn how to communicate better. This was a 6 months long relationship

I'm annoyed because he is not respecting my boundaries and is pestering me with messages under the guise of being "friends". I don't want to be cruel but I have no interest in getting back together since nothing has really changed

March 24, 2017

I'm annoyed because he is not respecting my boundaries and is pestering me with messages under the guise of being "friends". I don't want to be cruel but I have no interest in getting back together since nothing has really changed

Tell him this. It's perfect.

Also, there's nothing wrong with telling him that it's too late. Or that you've heard so many empty words from him that you no longer have any faith in his ability to change. He's not respecting your boundaries, so be brutally honest if it's required.

There could be benefit for you in going to couple's counselling if he doesn't let up. At the beginning of the session, the counselor will ask if you both want to work on the relationship. At this point, you say "no". You can give your reasons if you wish. The counselor will not try and change your mind. Instead, the counselor will work towards him understanding where you are at. I did this at the end of my marriage. It was at this point that he finally realised that I was gone.

March 24, 2017

Couple of days ago I got a long message from now ex telling me how much he loves me and misses me and wants to do anything it takes for a second chance. He has also informed me of his divorce progress. He asked me if I want to go to couple's councilling with him so that we can learn how to communicate better. This was a 6 months long relationship

I'm annoyed because he is not respecting my boundaries and is pestering me with messages under the guise of being "friends". I don't want to be cruel but I have no interest in getting back together since nothing has really changed

I think you can word your response in a way that isn't cruel. I would also make it clear that you don't want any more contact at this point. He is pushing you, so you have to make it clear to him, and, if he still doesn't get it, I would just stop responding. I agree that counseling for a 6 month relationship is extreme.

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How do you know when is the right time to end a relationship?

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