VariousMatters Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 (edited) Me and a guy went away on an overseas trip with my parents the past holiday. We were at the fase that we weren't official yet but things were pretty solid and he was going to move closer depending on a job opportunity. There were always things bothering me, like his affection levels, which insisted he was holding back because he didn't want to hurt me if things didn't work out. So I have a very low alcohol tolerance and made the mistake by over indulging twice, he said that he doesn't like it to see me in that state and that it's not attractive, I understand this but please note that I'm not even a big drinker. I apologized and said that it wouldn't hapoen again even though it isn't planned and he said it's fine. It happened again ans this time I discussed my insecurities with one of his friends. He was fuming. This was on the trip and he said he can't go on with this. After a ton of explanation I managed to get him to agree to see things through, we went on like we use to but things were not the same. He left my house the day we came back after the trip. He still kissed me goodbye and that evening when he arrived home (stays very far from me) I asked whether everything was ok and he said that he can't se how this is going to work because it's not the type of foundation he wants to build a serious relationship on. He teared up a few times told me that he was also hurting but that he wasn't changing his mind and now I'm broken. I invested so much in him and I feel like hadn't it been for the above mentioned we would have had a great relationship. We spoke a few times after as he spoke to me when he found out of the job that he eventually didn't get and then we decided to stop speaking for a while to let things sink in, so it's been a while now. Everyone says that persuading will push him further away? Any advice? Edited January 27, 2017 by VariousMatters
salparadise Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Acceptance. You don't have control over his decisions, just like a person you're not interested in would have little ability to change that. Of course it's disappointing and perhaps even heartbreaking, depending on how attached you were. Grieve your loss and let it go. But this begs more questions about the drinking. Exactly how much overindulgence, and what happened while you were inebriated? Do you have a drinking problem, or are you on your way to one? Or is he overly sensitive about it for some reason... like alcoholics in his family or religious convictions? So it happened three times during the vacation, right? And this friend you discussed your insecurities with... male or female? And did he hear/see the conversation, was it about him... why is this important? I think you left out some pertinent detail on the first pass... let's have it.
kgcolonel Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I am truly sorry for your situations however please take this as a valuable lesson. For me personally, if alcohol begins to impact my life and behavior, then that is a problem. The fact that you had an issue with it twice, promised him that it wouldn't happen again and it did, indicates solidly that alcohol is a problem for you. If it were me,and this happened to me, I definitely would be in AA. Alcohol cost you in your words something potentially amazing....please evaluate your use of alcohol and join AA....
Tribble Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I agree, need a little more information about the alcohol, your habits and what happened when you'd been drinking. Mainly because I have a different take than the other two posters. I don't drink often and as such, my tolerance has gone down a lot. Occasionally, I will drink and get drunk with friends. I do silly things, say things I wouldn't say sober. But I don't cross solid lines and do inappropriate things like cheat or sleep with randoms. It sounds like you don't drink often and are not an alcoholic. An occasional drinker. If you got a bit tipsy and had a bit of fun and he didn't like that, it's his choice. They are his boundaries. Does he want his gf to not drink? That's fine, this boundaries. You could do that if you wanted, but do you want to? If you have an occasional glass of wine and you're drinking is not out of control and affect your life, you could give it up for him but would probably resent it. One issue I do see is, you said you'd never do it again and then did. Regardless of what it is. If you say I'll never drink again to your bf and then do, what's the point? 2
Miss Peach Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I have a male coworkers who has been into a few women who have gotten drunk early and then he lost interest. I know with the last one he felt disrespected which is really big to men. 1
Frozensushi Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I have a male coworkers who has been into a few women who have gotten drunk early and then he lost interest. I know with the last one he felt disrespected which is really big to men. Yeah, this happened to me a few times. The woman drinks and opens her mouth to says something 'unintentionally' disrespectful. I can't let it go and walk away. Unfortunate truths sometimes are revealed through the elimination of filters. 1
basil67 Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 You sound like a fairly normal person who has had a bit of fun getting drunk while on vacation. Yes, there is the belief that if alcohol affects a relationship, then you have a problem....but this belief doesn't take into consideration that the partner may have a pole up their rear end. I think it was a mistake to promise him that you won't get drunk again. Short of going teetotal for the rest of your relationship, it's a promise you can't guarantee to keep. I think it would have been far wiser to say "I enjoy a few drinks now and then. I try not to get drunk. But I can't guarantee it won't happen again" and let him do with that information what he will. Also, this bit about him not being affectionate in case the relationship ends just tells me that he had one foot out the door even before the drinking happened. 2
spiderowl Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I'm sorry to hear what happened and I know how you must be hurting. I wouldn't necessarily think that his reasons for giving up on the relationship are anything to do with you drinking. It depends how seriously bad your behaviour got but I suspect it was nothing too terrible. Most partners would forgive. He was probably checking out before that in some way. Do not blame yourself. Some relationships are just not meant to be. If he didn't love you enough to stay with you, he is not the one for you. The right guy will not be easily turned away and would probably forgive you if a small drink affects you badly. If you were drinking tons and clearly unwilling to even moderate your drinking that would be a different matter, but it sounds as if you are not. I think pass on this guy. He does not love you and is not in love with you so the relationship would have foundered anyway. Was he often critical of you? Was he actually loving in more than a sex way? Did he really care about you feelings over anything? Did he treat you with respect? Did he make any denigrating comments? These are the kind of things you need to ask yourself now before you sink into thinking he was perfect and you were not. Look after yourself because you truly deserve love. 1
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