Tossed to the trash bin again [UPDATE: How long for the obsessive thoughts to end?]

February 21, 2017

Please do not judge me yes this is about my ExMM and me. But for those who will say no mention of my H yes Im doing my best to move on after A Reconnect and fix my M but this is a nagging question I have had for days now. To move on and let go I need to know why people think ExMM didnt care?

I have been reading a lot of post on here and one thing I have noticed thats repeated is this.

OM/MM once total NC or D Day has come they can push the OW out of their lives head and move on instantly. No care for the AP it was just for the sex.

OW/MW once total NC or D day has come they pine/obsesses/Miss/feel abandon /forgotten etc. Total heart break.

My question is why do people repeatedly say the male is heart less was just for sex? If he was just for sex with me why so little encounters for sex even turned me down sometimes? Why did he contact me everyday and talk about everything and anything if he just wanted sex? This hurts me so much been NC for 5 weeks now after over 4 years PA/EA. We are over finished as far as Im concerned but to think that after D day He doesnt have the withdrawl/ hurt/ missing/ a heart? makes me even more sad and hurt. Im I really that worthless to him?

We both were forced to face our M and the issues with our spouses and our selves. To face life. He looks like he skipped off happy not a care about me but I prob look the same to him dont I?

But Im not Im in total withdrawal and miss him very much. At the same time MC/working and trying to reconnect with my H with these feelings of hurt/missing/guilt/anger/and heart break about MM is total hell. Why and how can he be so opposite to me?

A couple weeks before D day we talked about stopping I brought it up he was the one that said I dont want too I will miss you too much. Then we were forced too. Now instantly after 2 phone calls from him to tell me why the sudden silence yes he did give me that a reason for the sudden abrupt end, and him laying hope that I knew was not true" lay low for a while/ never know he couldnt stay away any other time" etc. He is sticking to the NC as so am I.

Does that really mean I meant nothing? I like to hope he is working on his M and family trying to move on but also working through the same sadness that Im experiencing to finally move on. Not toss me as a good ride good times bye bye.

This has been bugging me for days.

Thanks for listening.

February 21, 2017

I think marriages become better after an affair only when the affair is discovered and then the shock and pain of that discovery force both the betrayed and the wandering spouse to face the problems in their marriage for real, to be authentic and radically honest with each other and to do the work it takes to repair a broken marriage.

Even if your husband changes and becomes a model spouse I don't think you will have a truly happy marriage as long as you can't be honest with him. You can't experience true intimacy with someone while continuing to have secrets and dishonesty.

This is the best advice for you OP. Tell your H. No gory details, just the basics. Then either you will be free of a bad marriage or your H will turn over a new leaf and surprise you by becoming the type of man you would love to be married to.

February 21, 2017

You'll get slightly different posts if you look in different subforums (places that assume that affair discovery means the marriage is almost definitely over, as opposed to here where we more take the tack that affair discovery means the affair is over and the marriage will continue)

But there's already a thread on whether men suffer as much which kind of covers this point.

There are some men who care only for sex and go out of their way to cultivate as many extra sex partners as possible. They don't care about them, but they do manipulate them, and they know that building a 'friendship' and pretending to care is a great way to get a woman hooked on them. If you confess your 'secrets' to another, it builds a sense of intimacy between you. So men who are experienced players know how to reel them in without necessarily feeling much of anything in exchange.

Even these complete heartless jerks sometimes feel a mild sadness if they lose an AP, but it's more like the disappointment when your favorite TV show goes off the air and you can't have it anymore. Too bad, so sad... what else is on?

Some other people, even if they did care, are better at compartmentalising uncomfortable emotions to be dealt with later. If saving the marriage is a top priority and they want to focus totally on that, they can repress all feelings about the OW for quite a while in order to deal with the more important subject. They're just too busy to care about the OW. They may actually have sadness and loss to process, but it's set aside somewhere. They're not likely to dig up "wow, I really miss that lady I was with, we were so happy together" until their lives have calmed down again.

And then, of course, there's the men who may be quite upset but are good at hiding it from you because you're out of contact, or they don' want to look weak, or whatever.

More importantly - does it actually matter? Does it make any difference if he's very sad, or a little sad, or not sad at all? Are you still holding on to hopes? That's probably more important for you to examine and deal with.

February 21, 2017

Nothing is ever all inclusive, some MM care deeply about the MW/OW..... Honestly, it's rare.

The reason is men in general aren't emotional beings and do need multiple outlets for emotional connections.

Affairs for men aren't always about just sex, but most of the time they are. It doesn't mean he has a hyper sex drive, some just want something different sometimes. Other look for ego boost, nothing boosts the ego like having another man wife risk it all to chase him down and offer him sex.

Honestly, I think this is a common mistake women make, thinking that because she is so invested and in love then he has to be also. Not even talking only about affairs.

I will say this, and I truly wish more women in your position would believe it, if a man truly loves you he would make it happen, he wouldn't allow you to be stuck in a cycle of pain. If he is into you for his own benefit or what he can get then it doesn't matter to him what struggles you go through as long as he gets what he wants....Oh my wife caught me, lay low til I get it under control then I'll be back.... Does that sound like love?

February 21, 2017

So if the negative feelings are set aside to be dealt later, then what happens then "later" when they surface?

February 21, 2017

So if the negative feelings are set aside to be dealt later, then what happens then "later" when they surface?

I guess it depends on how bad the feelings were and how long they were repressed for?

I know I personally have repressed some painful things I couldn't deal with at the time for months or years and then had little breakdowns later when they finally surfaced, usually when I was far away from the people and the situations that had caused the pain. With distance it was easier to then cry on the shoulders of friends who were around and explain what had happened in the past. I can definitely say it's possible to be suddenly overwhelmed with guilt for terrible decisions you made many years in the past that you hadn't really been thinking about for a long time.

I'm not a man, though, and I only have my own experience on repression to go on.

February 21, 2017

Here's the deal.

Some men can have an affair and really not care about you.

Then there are the men that get emotionally attached to you....but when D day happens....it's not enough.

So maybe he cared about you. I don't know your whole story . If it makes you feel better to know he cared about you then that's fine

But the fact is he just didn't care about you ENOUGH to leave his wife for you.

You may have been loved but NOT ENOUGH to leave his wife for you.

There's someone out there who you are enough for. And it's your husband because he stayed with you even with all your betrayal and faults and issues and he still wants to work it out.

Your husband chose you

MM chose his wife

February 21, 2017

If you get some satisfaction out of knowing that the MM is longing for you, than you are doing a major disservice to your H. You are not 100% committed to your M.

You're looking for an answer or feeling that is irrelevant. Knowing will not complete you.

February 21, 2017

Nothing is ever all inclusive, some MM care deeply about the MW/OW..... Honestly, it's rare.

The reason is men in general aren't emotional beings and do need multiple outlets for emotional connections.

Affairs for men aren't always about just sex, but most of the time they are. It doesn't mean he has a hyper sex drive, some just want something different sometimes. Other look for ego boost, nothing boosts the ego like having another man wife risk it all to chase him down and offer him sex.

Honestly, I think this is a common mistake women make, thinking that because she is so invested and in love then he has to be also. Not even talking only about affairs.

I will say this, and I truly wish more women in your position would believe it, if a man truly loves you he would make it happen, he wouldn't allow you to be stuck in a cycle of pain. If he is into you for his own benefit or what he can get then it doesn't matter to him what struggles you go through as long as he gets what he wants....Oh my wife caught me, lay low til I get it under control then I'll be back.... Does that sound like love?

^^This

In general, men go looking for affairs to have more sex. Women go looking for affairs to establish an emotional connection with someone. Unfortunately, men typically get what they want (sex) and women very rarely get anything more than lies from their AP to "fake" an emotional connection. What is said above in bold is dead on, the fundamental problem is that if your AP really cared about you, and really loved you, he'd be concerned for your well being and NOT enter into the affair with you. By entering into an A, a man is telling you "I don't care what happens to you", not directly, of course, but through their actions. It's a fundamental disconnect; if he really cared, he'd encourage you to leave your H and marry him, not sleep with him "on the sly" and hope you don't get caught (and you will, eventually).

I know a lot of guys who cheat, almost all of them are after the sex. It's actually worse than that, most of these men spend a lot of time making fun of their APs (their desperation, their lack (or reverse, their talent) in the bedroom, their body features (both good and bad)). It's not a pretty picture.

Just think back to a guy you really liked in HS who "used you". That's pretty much the same relationship that most men (at least most men I know) have with their APs. They are just using the OW for sex. That's what happened in my wife's A, her AP was all over her with words that indicated "love". D-day comes, he drops her like she's radioactive. Is he "sad"? I'm sure he is, but it's the sex/validation/ego boost/etc that I suspect he's primarily missing, not the "love" he had for my wife.

February 21, 2017

Maybe if you had been in his house when he had to face his wife with the facts of the affair, you would understand how his head and heart are a little overwhelmed right now. It's devastating and if he cares at all for her he will be ashamed and full of guilt, fearful and regretful.

Maybe he will have the headspace to think about you and what he has lost but he's still firefighting.

It's not that he doesn't care about you but he cares about the future of his marriage more right now.

February 21, 2017

My wh was so terrified to face his fears and emotions that he ended up having an affair (among other reasons). In his case, she was a means to not deal with anything, all the while having his ego stroked. She pursued him after it was over, for a year propositioned him. He refused to deal with her because she could blow up his business and marriage. He also told her he was never leaving me while sleeping with her, so a lot of mixed messages. They didn't fall in love, and I've seen no evidence that she loved him, only that she was looking for a $$ way out of her marriage. But in the end, I guess his saying he wasn't leaving his marriage just became more of a challenge to her - again not for love, but for competition and winning. Both were self serving. There was nothing mature or attractive about how they behaved. And they hurt a lot of people.

But as far as emotions, he had stuffed all his emotions down so far, that he felt nothing for anyone - just self loathing for himself and a constant need to feed his ego. He said a big part of all of it was to feel nothing. He wasn't ready to deal with his complicated life so he ran to the affair.

Push your ego aside if you want to save your marriage. Think about how you'd feel if your bh had kicked you out immediately. The mm wouldn't have looked as appealing, is my guess. I think mm is showing you how he feels about you, and any residual emotions he may have for you will never rate higher than how he feels about his wife and that's where his priorities are. You can't save your marriage while thinking about mm. You should be grateful that you've been given a chance to stay in your marriage. Dont blow that chance for someone who doesn't want you.

February 21, 2017

I've said it before- I really don't think it's a gender thing. I've seen on here women that move on very quickly and men that stay hung up for a long time. I think it's 1-how you're wired 2- how you felt about the other person

I think that for some, when dday hits they see themselves through their spouses eyes; while others still see themselves through their APs eyes. Two very different reactions, and I don't think it matters the gender.

February 23, 2017

I'm sorry for your pain.

I just wanted to say that I think your husbands behavior is unacceptable. You have a very codependent relationship with him. The reality is, you can't fix him and he doesn't want to change his behavior himself. So, you need to decide how much more you will tolerate before you say - enough!

As has previously been said, if you would have put your foot down earlier you could had a healthier relationship and avoided some of this pain. You could also have been divorced earlier, which is what I think is likely to happen given his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his poor behavior and change it.

Don't raise you kids in an emotionally abusive home. Really think about whether this is a healthy home for them and take the steps you need to take to keep them healthy and happy... You don't really want to teach them that it's ok for a man to get angry and disrespectful or that it's ok for a woman to tolerate that kind of hurtful and abusive behavior from a man - especially not a husband and father.

I do wish you well. Take care.

Edited February 23, 2017 by BaileyB

February 28, 2017

Have been turning to here to try to understand what Im feeling. You all have helped a great deal so far. So today I had a complete relapse like it was the first week NC all over again with ex MM. Its been 6 weeks NC from both sides. No reason why no triggers just spent the day in bed crying/sleeping wake up crying more emotions all over the place. Not like me to do this im a very busy and active person.

Im in IC as well as MC with my H Im doing my best trying to only focus on my M. I have laid out to my H my issues faced them head on in the last 4 weeks. We have had a fight a few weeks ago I asked him to leave he made me feel sorry and said he needs help with his anger and lack of giving me love that I deserve. He is still home doing his best not to erupt with anger at the kids and me.

During our last MC session last week I voiced Im numb just waiting for the next blow up, tired of holding everything together I basically said right out Im done with the M I cant live like this any more. This felt very good my true feelings are out. Our councilor explained to my H my love bank is in over draft. He has with drawled so much love from me and not deposit back to me that Im now in over draft nothing left to give.

When the Councillor said this my instant thought was I could cope before because exMM was filling my bank for over 4 years I know and knew all along the reason for my A and what I got out of it.

The last 6 weeks I have been a mess no doubt about that I miss my exmm more then I have ever thought is possible. I do obsess the he left me in the dust, I was nothing to him, why wont he contact me to I hope I never hear from him again to I cant do this it hurts so much to let him go. Everyone here says this is a normal stage with the end of an A the weeks months after NC is started. I also think and play in my mind constantly what will happen if he contacts me or we run into each other. What will I do, say, react? What will he do, say , react? Its all over the board my thoughts.

I do my best to distract my self and think about my husband and kids everyone says you have a second chance with your H dont wreak that Im trying to do the right thing for once the last 4 years I have not. The right thing feels wrong. Then I think my judgement is wrong Im dealing with the loss of my AP feel low and rejected by him, miss a men who doesnt want to be with me, doesnt deserve me has hurt me over and over again and again the last 4 years WHY DO I MISS A MAN WHO DOES THAT TO ME?

My wanting out of my M and so badly want to forget my AP just want to be alone with my kids in my home Im told repeatedly by people is selfish of me.

So here I sit feeling selfish and worthless Staying right now with my H who I love he is the father of my children but not in love with, The loss of AP who I shouldnt or cant love dont know if I do or dont to be honest.

Im so afraid my judgement is clouded with all the emotions Im having on any anything what if I make the wrong choice yet again for my family? How did you all cope? How did you let go of your AP and relise he truly didnt care enough for you. How did you know what the right choices where for you family when for so long you made the wrong ones? Did any of you stay with your spouse because it was the right thing to do and learn to accept the way you feel? So confused Hurt and Scared.

Thank you for letting me vent mop have pitty on my self what ever you want to call it. It was just a really bad day for me. again I hope I can get past all this hurt and see the light at the end of the tunnel soon I dont know how much more pain I can take and still look strong to the out side world.

February 28, 2017

As a BH here this might sound pro M but please look into it as pro you and not advocating a marriage one way or another.

Have you truly looked at the reality of what your relationship with exMM was? All the projections and how you feed those? Case in point the usual "he is a good man" but really he is cheating on his wife and family how can this be true... Type stuff.

How the exMM was able to avoid all the unpleasantries of real life (kids, bills, responsibilities) and just feed the fantasyland nothing matters but "us" feelings you don't have to think about all those unpleasantries of real life like your husband does. And the times you did spend with your exMM were only the best, he prepped and primed himself and was never sick or feeling exhausted he spent those time with his W. These type of "bubble relationships" that seem so real and authentic but are really mind tricks or "escapes" from real life you know the one you wake up to everyday.

Again this is for you to ask questions. So you can find those answers. Just look at everything and deeply. Why this puzzle piece won't fit into this one etc...

In your OP, you spent a lot of time not directly but indirectly comparing the two your H and your exMM have you given your H a chance? Sounds like your exMM as usual had a unfair playing field because your H didn't even know he was playing.

This leads me to are you attempting marriage counseling in honest or are you just there to be there because again everyone things you should be right?

Does your husband know about the affair? Think how can your husband fix or help fix you and him if he doesn't know what really is going on.

I just read a lot of real confusion about what you believe and what you want. You need to bring those into focus and act. Otherwise you are just putting water into a bucket with holes in the bottom.

Best wishes

Have you read some books? I recommend;

"Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass

Edited April 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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February 28, 2017

You need to seek for help from an expert in relationship matters. Basically, you have to condition your mind that you deserve the best from life. As such you have to make yourself happy before someone can add to it. Else , people will toil with your emotions because your are depending on them for joy.

February 28, 2017

Firstly, everything you are feeling is part of the withdrawal symptoms. They are mind boggling, I know.

Look at it like this. You feel happy when something amazing happens because your brain releases 'feel good' chemicals. But there are few things which trick your brain, to foolishly release these even when nothing fasinating has happened, they are called drugs.

When it is real happiness in a natural way, we enjoy it, feel it and when its done we go back to normal feeling happy. But with drugs when they are done, we dont go back to normal feeling happy. THAT PAIN at the end is the difference.

Your AP was a drug although he tricked you into feeling good, he isnt good for you. If it was genuine love, we have dont fear their loss, they might stay oceans away but we know the love its there. And it doesnt break you like this. What you have with your AP is addiction. It takes time, effort and willpower to get through it.

All the best, we all are here in the ship with you. Hold on to yourself tight, we will get there.

Edited February 28, 2017 by freengreen

February 28, 2017

OP, I could have written your post word for word almost ten years ago. I was in an abusive marriage (emotionally, verbally, sexually and eventually physically), my ex-H had many raging outbursts, bipolar, couldn't keep a job so I had to support our family of 5 (3 young kids).

I had a 4 month affair with someone who was also married; he ended it abruptly, and I was in the same boat you're in. I stayed in bed and cried all the time and was inconsolable, not to mention angry angry angry. Angry with him, angry with myself, angry at my ex-h. I took up running to deal with all the stress. I couldn't decide if I deserved to be in a miserable marriage to make up for my transgressions or if I should be on my own and find someone who I could find love and trust with. I stayed with my ex-H for another 3 years and probably would have still been with him if he hadn't assaulted me. I grabbed my kids and left. And it is still the best decision I ever made.

But yes, all those years from the end of the A and to this day, I still have strong feelings for my AP. It doesn't change the facts that he chose his wife over me and may never come back. He is not the ex-MM that others have described here. Neither of us are serial cheaters. We made a huge mistake in acting on our feelings, and I know we both felt horrible about it, no matter how bad our marriages were at the time. I decided to move on and married a wonderful man who treats me well, loves me and is true.

I think the best place to start is counseling and looking to your faith (if you are religious). I read my Bible a lot and found some books on integrity and character and looking for purpose and significance. I ran all the time. I smoked for a while (yuck). It took a long time for things to get easier, especially having intermittent NC with ex-MM. We eventually have been able to be email friends, a few emails a month, completely innocent, almost boring. Hang in there, you will get through this!

February 28, 2017

Let me understand this...

You are six weeks from D-Day? Your husband knows about your affair?

And he is dealing with it?

Is that correct so far?

February 28, 2017

It doesn't feel like it right now, but exMM leaving you in the dust is a good thing. He is not a good person and you don't want him in your life. You are still feeling the withdrawals of the A. Trust me, I'm right there with you, but I promise, it does get easier. I am 3 1/2 months NC and the beginning was so hard. But now I look back and see how far I've come and how my feelings have changed that I didn't think was possible back then.

Keep going to counseling... I'm currently in IC and MC and the progress is painfully slow while you're in it, but when you look back, you see that change is happening, you just don't see it.

Ultimately you will have to decide on continuing with your M, you may be done with that too. But give yourself time because I still feel like many of my feelings are jumbled and confused and I'm glad BH is taking his time on what we are going to do in the future because it's giving me time to figure myself out.

February 28, 2017

Is there a reason you can't leave your marriage? I'm sorry, I don't know your whole story.

March 1, 2017

Does your H know about the affair?

I am a BS so I can't relate to your struggle grieving for your exMM.

I can relate to MC. If your H doesn't know about the affair MC is never going to help your marriage.

More importantly you don't have to stay in a marriage to punish yourself. If you don't want to be married get a divorce. People do it everyday. To say you can't because of the kids or a million other excuses is just avoiding the situation and you are going to end up in another A looking for someone else to fill your love bank.

Best wishes and I hope that you feel better tomorrow.

March 3, 2017

Im new to this so dont know how to quote in my replies. So will try to answer all the questions and how I am now.

My H only knows there were inappropriate text also texting on a reg basics. He has stated he does not want to know if there was more. (8 years ago I question him the same thing with a co worker same response he gave then to me inappropriate text reg texting daily I at the time said I dont want to know any more) Little did I know back then I would find my self in the same situation now as my H was then.

Now back to now beginning of the week I finally had the courage to tell my H I want to separate Im not happy, tired of the anger, feel very lonely even sitting next to him, and so much more we talked cried talked more sat silent for some, even hugged and cried some more. I told him I want a man who will take my love but give it back to me just as much. He does not do this and he admitted to me he does not. We have been married almost 20 years. He told me yes I carry him through life. I look after everything the house money kids him plus my ageing parents my high demand career and even the cat and dog and so much more.

I started feeling bad and sad what if this makes him go in an even deeper depression/anxiety and Im not there to pick him up again. But I have to do whats best for my children and me hes almost 45 years old and Im still waiting for him to pick up his part of life other then going to work and providing money to live. I have always praised him how hard he works for his family but I need him to love me not just live with me.

He stated very clear he can not be the man I want him to be he can not shower me in love and by that I just want his hand on the small of my back naturally, simple things that are not gifts you buy like sweeping my hair out of my eyes and kissing me for no reason, offering a blanket thats beside him when Im cold but too into a book to think to ask for it. These are examples I hope you all see what I mean by showing me love.

He says he cant be that man he doesnt know how to love a person his father never taught him.

Am I selfish to want to feel that love? I witness this back and forth with couples in our social group, with strangers in the mall, restaurants, even my grandparents married 70 years still give these love gestures to each other daily not even thinking about it.

I know some of you will ask NO exMM did not give this to me either he was a lot like my H selfish and always needed to hear how great he was.

ON the exmm side of this story still silence or NC 7 weeks now no D day for him W just was questioning his not following her commands yes she calls them commands I have heard her say that even when friends before the A started . A mutual friend who knows nothing of the A (no one really does know of it that I know of) mention him out of the blue the other day said she seen him and his W. He had his usual empty eyes and was told by his W where to stand even to talk to her. She said he is still in a miserable life with an abusive evil woman. I politely said "that is his choice hes a grown man" then asked her if she wanted to go shopping. NC even by third party right

I miss him but just keep telling my self I wasnt enough, He does not nor ever did love or care for me. His own words to me now that I think back to that last conversation "we will always have the good memories of the sex we had" now coming out of the fog slowly I think thats nice your memory of me is different sex positions and doings and places. I feel great NOT. "We dont know what the future holds" "He doesnt know if he can stay away but he has to try" Bla Bla Bla MM hand book was probably highlighted in front of him before he made that last call to me.

Now dont miss interpret that Im healing maybe bit each day but I miss, think about and have conversations to my self all day everyday about him. But I know I cant go back not unless he and I both have papers to prove single and D but even then Do I want him? Prob not to be honest. AGAIN WHY DO I CARE ABOUT SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME THAT WAY?

As for my M I have to deal with it day by day My H/family too is on my mind all day I flip from one to the other non stop. He is in shock with my coming forward for a separation He is love bombing me right now the best he can. But years of not trying or changing I have my guard up waiting for the anger and hate to emerge but this time I have told him the pattern I know all to well. why Im still standing my ground on this matter. I want to feel love give love and teach our children how to do this as well. And I will with or with out him the best I can.

The worst part for me is I miss a man I wish I could forget who couldnt give two pennys about me or my life, and a man who says he will have no life without me to lead it for him but cant show me love. My feeling right now how come not one of them cares about what I need? Am I being self? Im constantly told I am So I have learned happy mom happy kids = happy house= finding my self. This is my goal how to achieve it? at this point your guess is well probably better then mine.

Until I can log on next time thanks for reading bye

March 3, 2017

Looking at you, and what you have done in having an affair separately. Just focusing on this question.

What is love to you? What do you define love as?

Words without any real emotion or reality... (exMM) goes NC and chooses another woman (his wife) over you. Leaves with cheater handbook comments.

and another man,

Talking about wanting to be there and work on your relationship. After you finally had a real conversation about how you feel. He doesn't have to stay or work on anything he has free will and could leave like exMM.

So what exactly are you looking for? Relationships take work, have ups and downs, those can be extreme or mild bumps, and marriages just like relationships are a two way street. Equal reward, equal fault.

2cents

Regards

Edited March 3, 2017 by Sampson

March 3, 2017

escapefantasy, it is not always that black and white...

As a former MOM, those feelings that you have about not being good enough, you were stupid and whatnot are not completely or always accurate.

And really, you have several different issues going on.

You hurt from the ending of the affair.

This is common for everyone to feel that way. You MM may or may not have had true feeling for you. But in the long run, it really does not matter. Most MM and MW in affairs are using the affair as an escape from reality. You fall in love at your own risk. When it is over it always hurts, some more than others.

It is always wrong to have an affair no matter what the circumstances surrounding it actually are...

You need to end your marriage.

You are now understanding that even if you did not have the affair, that your marriage is just not working out and your husband is incapable of giving you the type of love that you need.

I am that way as well. I am a very affectionate man. With my GF's I am very affectionate and loving, it is just the way that I am. I don't date women that are not affectionate people because I know that is a need I have in relationships.

This is a huge need for a lot of people that goes unmet sometimes, often because they really did not understand that they had that need in the first place.

Physical affection in your primary love language and you need to make sure after you divorce that the guys that you date are affectionate from the start.

You are codependent with your husband and maybe in general

If you don't understand what this is, you need to Google it and do some research so you can understand this behavior.

In your case you tend to put your feelings and needs for yourself behind those of your husband. Eventually it leaves you feeling desperate because as much as you care for your husband, YOU cannot make him happy, you cannot fix him and you cannot make him love you the way that you need.

I think you are starting to realize a lot of this.

My suggestion is file for divorce get into IC and learn about yourself and work on you. When you are healthy, you should be able to find a man that you can love, and that will love you the way that you need to be loved.

A man that is together and can lift you up rather than a man that will drag you down.

I think you are headed in the right direction, so just keep moving forward...

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Tossed to the trash bin again [UPDATE: How long for the obsessive thoughts to end?]

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