enddeck Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Buddy you are in over your head here.This is your first serious relationship and you really struck out.This woman reached out to EIGHT HUNDRED MEN while you were together,and that was only on eharmony.How do you know she wasn't on tinder or pof or any other dating app.You can't trust her,she had a four year affair with a married man while knowing he had children. I am not trying to insult you but you are coming across as very gullible.I would bet a weeks wages that not only has she cheated but is probably cheating now. You are worried about how it looks because you checked up on her,you should worry about more than that.Std tests would be advisable,immediately after you show her the door. For various reasons your story struck a chord with me and I wish you the best of luck whatever you do.
Purepony Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I'm just wondering If you love her why not try counseling together ? 1
niji Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I don't say I love you to my family; it's not a "thing" in our culture, it's just assumed, and if you love your family you take care of them. You don't (have to) profess your love to family verbally. People who used to be strangers, though, need affirmation to know where we stand with a person who has NOTHING binding us with them except for this affirmation. This long in, you've said it a few times and she doesn't, I would take it at face value: I love you (maybe) but not enough to say it on my own. 1
Author RileyS Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 Buddy you are in over your head here.This is your first serious relationship and you really struck out.This woman reached out to EIGHT HUNDRED MEN while you were together,and that was only on eharmony.How do you know she wasn't on tinder or pof or any other dating app.You can't trust her,she had a four year affair with a married man while knowing he had children. I am not trying to insult you but you are coming across as very gullible.I would bet a weeks wages that not only has she cheated but is probably cheating now. You are worried about how it looks because you checked up on her,you should worry about more than that.Std tests would be advisable,immediately after you show her the door. For various reasons your story struck a chord with me and I wish you the best of luck whatever you do. There's no denying that 800 is giving me a big problem right now. She was on Tinder, as was I, but neither of us used it for anything more than a bit of fun collecting matches and the occasional chat with strangers. I did see she still had the app on her phone after all this eH business and she openly showed me what was on it before deleting it, nothing worried me on there. I have looked for her on other sites, her PoF account hasn't been used in years and she never used match.com or OKCupid. She's involved in an amateur musical society that takes up an enormous amount of her free time during the week (I've met them and everything she's told me about it checks out) and we spend every weekend together so I don't honestly worry that she's currently seeing someone else right now as she hasn't got the time. She also never hides her phone around me and I've never seen any notifications or messages on there that concerned me. I realise I've been a bit naiive about trusting her so much in the past but believe me I've been on high alert the last two months!
Author RileyS Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 I'm just wondering If you love her why not try counseling together ? My head's still all over the place at the minute but if, and if it's a big if at the moment, I do decide to stay with her then that's something I'll certainly look into.
SevenCity Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 There's no denying that 800 is giving me a big problem right now. She was on Tinder, as was I, but neither of us used it for anything more than a bit of fun collecting matches and the occasional chat with strangers. I did see she still had the app on her phone after all this eH business and she openly showed me what was on it before deleting it, nothing worried me on there. I have looked for her on other sites, her PoF account hasn't been used in years and she never used match.com or OKCupid. She's involved in an amateur musical society that takes up an enormous amount of her free time during the week (I've met them and everything she's told me about it checks out) and we spend every weekend together so I don't honestly worry that she's currently seeing someone else right now as she hasn't got the time. She also never hides her phone around me and I've never seen any notifications or messages on there that concerned me. I realise I've been a bit naiive about trusting her so much in the past but believe me I've been on high alert the last two months! I'll never understand why people do this on dating sites. Is it the need for validation? It explains why when you match with someone and never hear from them or how so many women flake after expressing initial interest. I'm so jaded now with OLD I don't take anything seriously until I'm actually inside of them. It's a shame because I naively thought that people went on these sites to find someone. It appears there is a large portion of people just looking for attention. 3
Author RileyS Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 I'll never understand why people do this on dating sites. Is it the need for validation? It explains why when you match with someone and never hear from them or how so many women flake after expressing initial interest. I'm so jaded now with OLD I don't take anything seriously until I'm actually inside of them. It's a shame because I naively thought that people went on these sites to find someone. It appears there is a large portion of people just looking for attention. I can't speak for the entire population but for me personally the only reason I was on Tinder was the need for validation, I've always been pretty insecure about my looks so it was pleasing to see other people found me attractive. I believe people do find partners on Tinder now but I've always thought of it as a hook-up app and that's not something that interests me so I never took it seriously. I also found the free sites full of flaky people hence why I used eHarmony and went on a few decent dates from it. I know quite a lot of people who've met online and are perfectly happy so I wouldn't give up on it just yet.
SevenCity Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I can't speak for the entire population but for me personally the only reason I was on Tinder was the need for validation, I've always been pretty insecure about my looks so it was pleasing to see other people found me attractive. I believe people do find partners on Tinder now but I've always thought of it as a hook-up app and that's not something that interests me so I never took it seriously. I also found the free sites full of flaky people hence why I used eHarmony and went on a few decent dates from it. I know quite a lot of people who've met online and are perfectly happy so I wouldn't give up on it just yet. Funny, the free sites (Tinder, bumble, POF) have yielded more results than eHarmony for me. I get the highest concentrations of flakes from eH than any other site. Replies to them are "I'm doing great! How about you?" and then I never hear from them again. I don't really care at this point but it makes me take anyone reaching out with a grain of salt and not seriously at all. 1
Frozensushi Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I apologised profusely and thought she'd forgiven my stupidity but it appears this caused her to become active on eHarmony again. (Red flag 2) Between that accusation and her cancelling her membership she sent smiles (equivalent of winks on match.com) to some 800 men. I used to make excuses for my super insecure Ex too. That was me being a doormat and justifying her bad behavior. So what you are telling me that anytime you two have a problem she's going to enable her OLD profile and start checking out other dudes instead of working out the issue? What kind of BS is that? You can't honestly think this is healthy. Good luck with that dude. There's no denying that 800 is giving me a big problem right now. I should hope. This is a HUGE Red flag, my man. Your gut is telling you to GTFO but your love blind foolish heart is causing you to stay. Been there and it almost brought me to ruin. This is bad. If you plan to stay with her, the first thing you need to do is call off the house search. Her actions set back the relationship big time. Moving in together right now is a really bad idea. 1
coolheadal Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Nothing wrong with using dating sites just have to know how to use them effectively. I for one think this so call relationship has way to many red flags. I don't know why in the world you would put up with some behavioral issues like what you are getting from her. She can close out the e harmony account by calling or sending in email to them. No excuse from her to say otherwise. She's just having a backup plain. Your her safe heaven for you. That's why you to are still together. You can't see what's happen because your blinded by emotion. She on the other hand likes to flirt, be cutie and sexy online. You already tap into her account because you don't trust her and your self-esteem is very low. You know what she is up too and your tolerate her behavior because you simply don't want to end this. She has a lot of damage and he baggage claim area is full if you know what I mean. This is something you have to figure out what you want? Stay in the pile of no hope, or get out of it. Your medical issue could be and issue for her but she's secured by you so she's pretty much has yer sugar daddy at whatever age you two are. If you find with everything which it seems your not then you need to kick her out to the curb! I would never put up with all this just way to much drama and the outlook doesn't look promising. Once she cheats with a married man there is no hope for her every going to gain your respect once you found out her past deeds.
winny Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 800??!!!! She was really trying hard to find someone..... BIG HUGE RED FLAG!!!!
Space Ritual Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 My head's still all over the place at the minute but if, and if it's a big if at the moment, I do decide to stay with her then that's something I'll certainly look into. You are wasting your time with this one. So you do realize that going online and looking for validation is her go to coping mechanism for any issue that may come up in the future. Rest assured that thsi will be a recurring theme in your relationship. I read on this thread she sent 800 smiles? Jesus dude your relationship is a trainwreck waiting to happen. Between the discovery of the Long Term affair and the 800. It's Hefty Bag Time.....pack her stuff she has at your place in em and tell her to pick them up on the porch. we teach people how to treat us, You are teaching her it's ok to be not even Plan B, but Plan Z. Get a grip and get rid of her or you'll be sorry.
LivingDeadGrl Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I think the bigger problem here is her being on eH while you two were in an exclusive relationship. She may have been in a relationship with a married man for 3 years but that was what, 17 years ago? I think you should let that go. Unless it's something that has continued to reoccur in her life (married men) I would just move on from it. We've all I am sure done things we aren't proud of at that age. You should talk to her about what you discovered. The longer you spend stewing on it the worse it will get. Yes you sort of invaded her privacy but you discovered something. If you there was nothing there you wouldn't be in this position. Communication is key in all relationships. Talk to her about it and tell her how you feel. You'll have your answers by the way she reacts and what she says.
ElizabethIII Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I have just skim read this thread so apologies if it has been said already but the 800 thing: one way to look at it is that is 800 men she reached out to that werent interested in her as she is still with you. Not good odds. 1
enddeck Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 I have just skim read this thread so apologies if it has been said already but the 800 thing: one way to look at it is that is 800 men she reached out to that werent interested in her as she is still with you. Not good odds. Well at least he is ranked 801st of men in his local area. 1
anduina Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 If she remained in a relationship with a married man even after she found out and is currently selfish, the 800 smiles while in an exclusive relationship with you, is an extension of her selfishness. It sounds like she will get what she wants and if you're not providing it, will seek it elsewhere. This is cause for concern. 1
mccluskeyj17 Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 Although you have been involved for 18 months, it is good that you have decided not to move in together. Long distances relationships are ok if you can handle the distance and remain faithful. You have gotten a lot of advice from others on here. Her past is her past. We all have done things that we are not proud of. The red flags are worth mentioning to your girlfriend. As someone mentioned, you can ask her about the membership. You said that you all talked about not dating anyone else but you weren’t exclusive with each other. You said this was the longest long distance relationship that you had been in. Sometimes when things seem too good to be true, you’re either waiting for the other shoe to drop or try to sabotage the relationship. Some people don’t show emotion or express emotions like others. From what you shared this is not uncommon with your gf. If you’re going to continue to be in relationship with her you are going to have to accept that she doesn’t express her affections. It may have been normal in your family to express and show emotions whereas in her family it may not have been. It is cause for alarm that when you have a disagreement that she would start looking again but she very well may have insecurity issues as well or low self-esteem or low self-worth. But again, I would encourage you to talk with her. Try to control your thoughts. I remember being in relationship where I found myself going through his pockets, pager (at the time) looking for evidence. I even went as far as calling some of the young ladies. I found what I was looking for he was cheating. That relationship was over really before it started because this was not someone I wanted to be married to. With all of the advice and the concerns you have to decide if this lady is marriage material. Is she someone that if you had to bury a loved-one she would be by your side. That if you lost your job, she would hang in there with you. Can she speak to your heart, that when you are in that low place she speaks words of life to you? 1
OnlyHonesty Posted January 30, 2017 Posted January 30, 2017 I have just skim read this thread so apologies if it has been said already but the 800 thing: one way to look at it is that is 800 men she reached out to that werent interested in her as she is still with you. Not good odds. Yea...lucky him...
Author RileyS Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 I think the bigger problem here is her being on eH while you two were in an exclusive relationship. She may have been in a relationship with a married man for 3 years but that was what, 17 years ago? I think you should let that go. Unless it's something that has continued to reoccur in her life (married men) I would just move on from it. We've all I am sure done things we aren't proud of at that age. Sorry I may not have been too clear, her father cheated on her mother and moved in with his mistress when my gf was 21, incidentally that didn't work out and they're back together now. My gf was involved with the married man when she was 31-35 and broke up with him about 8 months before we met. You should talk to her about what you discovered. The longer you spend stewing on it the worse it will get. Yes you sort of invaded her privacy but you discovered something. If you there was nothing there you wouldn't be in this position. Communication is key in all relationships. Talk to her about it and tell her how you feel. You'll have your answers by the way she reacts and what she says. I've had a bit more time to think about it now and agree I need to speak to her about this before I go making any big decisions. Right now I don't see my future with her anymore though.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 (edited) OP I think you need to either move forward and trust her, or break up right now. For being together this long, it should be clear that you see a future with her. Ask yourself: 1) Has she recently given me any reason to suspect her? 2) Are you able to accept her past indiscretions and move forward? Edited January 31, 2017 by barcode88
Author RileyS Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 Although you have been involved for 18 months, it is good that you have decided not to move in together. Long distances relationships are ok if you can handle the distance and remain faithful. You have gotten a lot of advice from others on here. Her past is her past. We all have done things that we are not proud of. The red flags are worth mentioning to your girlfriend. As someone mentioned, you can ask her about the membership. You said that you all talked about not dating anyone else but you weren’t exclusive with each other. You said this was the longest long distance relationship that you had been in. Sometimes when things seem too good to be true, you’re either waiting for the other shoe to drop or try to sabotage the relationship. Some people don’t show emotion or express emotions like others. From what you shared this is not uncommon with your gf. If you’re going to continue to be in relationship with her you are going to have to accept that she doesn’t express her affections. It may have been normal in your family to express and show emotions whereas in her family it may not have been. It is cause for alarm that when you have a disagreement that she would start looking again but she very well may have insecurity issues as well or low self-esteem or low self-worth. But again, I would encourage you to talk with her. Try to control your thoughts. Thanks for taking the time to reply, I'm going to speak to her about the eHarmony account and why she took so long to verbally express her emotions. We've had smaller disagreements since then and she's not gone back on the dating sites so it may not be something she does again but I do need to hear what she has to say about it. I remember being in relationship where I found myself going through his pockets, pager (at the time) looking for evidence. I even went as far as calling some of the young ladies. I found what I was looking for he was cheating. That relationship was over really before it started because this was not someone I wanted to be married to. With all of the advice and the concerns you have to decide if this lady is marriage material. As I said in my previous post I don't really see a long term future for us at the moment so thoughts of moving in have been shelved for the time being. I do still love her though so want to take my time to think things over before making any major decisions. She left her phone unlocked this weekend when she was in the shower (and I felt very guilty about this) so I had a quick look through her messages and didn't see anything concerning, in fact a man she met on a girls holiday prior to meeting me messaged her on facebook recently asking to meet up and she politely shot him down saying she had a boyfriend. I find it very uncomfortable snooping though and don't want to carry on in a relationship where I feel the need to check up on someone. Is she someone that if you had to bury a loved-one she would be by your side. That if you lost your job, she would hang in there with you. Can she speak to your heart, that when you are in that low place she speaks words of life to you? Yes, I believe she'd absolutely be by my side if a loved one died, or I lost my job, not sure what you mean by speaking life to me but I do generally feel a lot happier when we're together.
Author RileyS Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 OP I think you need to either move forward and trust her, or break up right now. For being together this long, it should be clear that you see a future with her. Ask yourself: 1) Has she recently given me any reason to suspect her? 2) Are you able to accept her past indiscretions and move forward? 1) None whatsoever 2) That's the bit I'm struggling with and why I initially created this thread, as I mentioned in my last post I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to speak to her about this before making any big decisions.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Well we can't make the decision for you. Either you're OK with her past and you can move past it, or it's a road block for you and the relationship is over. There are no half measures here, but if you think it might help you could always talk to her about how you feel. Use a lot of "I" language and present it as YOUR problem, and not HER problem. This is something we can't decide for you.
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