I need the ladies point of view on this

January 26, 2017

Last night while out doing an open mic night at a local bar I met this lady I've been friends with on FB for the first time. We're both singers. We had an awesome night. When she got up to sing I did backing vocals for her on a Fleetwood Mac song. The crowd loved it. I bought her a bouquet of flowers from the flower girl that came around. We were hugging each other and had very close meaningful conversation. Her and I are both tall and I think make an great couple. You could see it in the eyes of mutual friends that were there that they were happy to see us being so close. People had smiles ear to ear. We were both the hit of the night in the bar.

Anyway, we ended up on the topic of ex's and she told me that her ex used to beat her pretty bad. My heart sank hearing this because she is so sweet and beautiful. I could tell right off the bat by the way she is that she is someone I could truly trust, and I really haven't had that with any of my ex's. As we were talking we were really close and a few times were looking right into each others eyes as we were talking. I think she was waiting for me to kiss her, but I didn't. She's really concerned about getting involved with anyone on the rebound and this time around wants to be sure the next one is the guy she's going to end up marrying. I told her I put everything behind me and always look forward. After that things continued on and we had a great time. She asked me if I would follow her home, which I did. As we were talking by her car we were looking at each other and she told me she really wanted to kiss me, but she wants to get know me better. I told her I understood completely. This brought me so close to her I had to kiss her. She wanted to so bad. I could see it in her eyes. After that she gave me a short tour of her beautiful home and I kissed her a couple more times. Part of both of us wanted to me stay, but we knew I couldn't, so I said goodnight and she said 'text me when you get home so I know you got home safe', which I did.

This morning I texted her good morning in which she reciprocated. We were both having our morning coffee. I asked her if she wanted to go out and that I would make plans for us this Friday or Saturday in which she said 'sounds good'. My parting words were (and I quote) ':-)....okay. Let me get rollin'. Have to hit the shower and try and get as much as I can done as I can. I have to leave for work by 2. Text or call me later if you want to. Have a good day sweetheart'.

After that she didn't reply back. Not sure why. Critique what I just said. Was there something in it that pushed her away a little or am I reading into in too much? I know she's a little skittish. She doesn't want to get her heart broken again. I think I know what's going through her mind, but I'm not sure. Since the next one she wants to be with is the guy she wants to marry is it best for me to let her know in some kind of way that I really care for her or to back off? Tomorrow is Friday. Since she didn't respond back even after she agreed to go out this weekend should I wait to hear back from her tomorrow or should I make the next move again and say good morning. I want to do this right. I really like this girl and I can see us going somewhere. I'm just concerned about what I should or shouldn't say to her.

Thanks in advance.

Edited January 26, 2017 by Vocals5

January 26, 2017

A few things...

Having also been in a relationship where I was attacked, I will say please don't patronize her. Not saying you are, but in the future. This whole "she doesn't want to get hurt, she doesn't trust etc" stuff is applicable to ALL people dating. Not just the damaged ones. Sure she may have trust issues, but that is fairly common.

Depending on whether or not she has had therapy, I would be careful. Her saying the next man she dates will be the one she marries is unrealistic. She thinks she will go from a very abusive relationship to a good healthy one that has marriage potential? Not going to happen.

When you do go out, I would figure out when they broke up. Where the ex is now (jail? If not, why?) And whether she got therapy over this.

In regards to the text itself. Don't use a pet name like babe or sweetheart for someone you just met. It sounds insincere and too forward. You also pushed it on her to contact you. "Text me if you want later" or whatever.... that makes it seem like you are leaving it to her to make the effort. If you want to talk to her, then you text her. You said you had to go, so you should be the one following up. If a guy text me that, I wouldn't text him because I wouldn't know when a good time was etc.

Text her when you want to talk. Don't overdo it. Don't treat her any different because she had a bad ex bf.

January 26, 2017

You are completely over-thinking this, becasue you hardly know her at all.

Relax. She might be working. She might be out with friends. She might be reading a great book. She might be waiting so she doesn't seem too eager. The point is that since she is a virtual stranger, you can't begin to speculate why she hasn't responded yet, or assume you did something wrong.

My caution here would be assuming you can trust her or that you would make a great couple. You know very little about her. One night is nowhere near enough time to make those judgments. She indeed might be great, or she might be a total Froot Loop. Don't let your expectations get out of hand.

You said you would organize a plan for this weekend. So take the initiative, call her and invite her to do something. The worst she could say is no.

January 26, 2017

Wait, she didn't even want to kiss you but she wanted you to follow her home? For what? Just to show you her beautiful house?

Egh, I think calling her "sweetheart" in the text may have been a bit much so soon but I wouldn't say that was the reason she didn't respond.

January 26, 2017

You are completely over-thinking this, becasue you hardly know her at all.

Relax. She might be working. She might be out with friends. She might be reading a great book. She might be waiting so she doesn't seem too eager. The point is that since she is a virtual stranger, you can't begin to speculate why she hasn't responded yet, or assume you did something wrong.

My caution here would be assuming you can trust her or that you would make a great couple. You know very little about her. One night is nowhere near enough time to make those judgments. She indeed might be great, or she might be a total Froot Loop. Don't let your expectations get out of hand.

You said you would organize a plan for this weekend. So take the initiative, call her and invite her to do something. The worst she could say is no.

My caution here would be assuming you can trust her or that you would make a great couple. You know very little about her. One night is nowhere near enough time to make those judgments. She indeed might be great, or she might be a total Froot Loop. Don't let your expectations get out of hand.

I know. Believe me I've dealt with my share of fruit loops. My ex being one of them. I'm just as cautious. I can certainly relate to her cautiousness. If I don't hear from her tonight (which I don't expect to), I'll just text her in the morning and let her know about the plans I'm making for later on and whether or not she wants me to pick her up or meet her there.

January 26, 2017

I agree with ExPat, stop overthinking it!

You had a great first night, thats wonderful! Why read too much into her not responding to a text right away? Maybe she's busy?

So text her again and say, "hey I was just thinking about this weekend, want to go to X to see "local band"?" or whatever have you.

You barely know this girl yet, I wouldn't worry too much about saying or doing the wrong thing at this point. Either you two hit it off or you don't. There shouldn't be that much pressure in the beginning. You will have to be slow with this one, and gentle. Abuse victims always have a wall up, they guard themselves more and find it hard to let others in. Don't be overly aggressive or clingy, just go with the flow for now.

January 26, 2017

You will have to be slow with this one, and gentle. Abuse victims always have a wall up, they guard themselves more and find it hard to let others in. Don't be overly aggressive or clingy, just go with the flow for now.

Exactly my point. I don't want to seem overly aggressive or clingy by being the next one to respond. I know her wall is probably 10 miles high. This is why I'm over-thinking the next move. I think I shouldn't have said 'call or text me later if you want'. I should left that out because it put her on the spot.

I like that she has a wall up and wants to get to know me. I told her I liked hearing that. It says to me that she's not easy and won't just jump in the sack with anyone.

Edited January 26, 2017 by Vocals5

January 26, 2017

you said "if you want".. to me that signifies no pressure. She didn't want, or couldn't. No big deal. Text her in the morning and go from there. I hope it works out for you

January 26, 2017

you said "if you want".. to me that signifies no pressure. She didn't want, or couldn't. No big deal. Text her in the morning and go from there. I hope it works out for you

I hope so too. I will. Thanks darlin'. I really appreciate that. Have a great weekend! :-)

January 26, 2017

You are getting ahead of yourself with this lady. You saying you know you can trust her is utter BS because you don't know her. Truth is, she was in an abusive relationship before, and many times that is because that is what is normal to you because that's how you grew up, the role modeling you were exposed to, and so many abused people stay in a cycle of being attracted to abusers and attracting abusers because they tolerate a series of small unacceptable things that seem like no big deal to them in comparison to other life experiences and so before they know it, the people who stayed are the ones no one else will tolerate.

Not long ago, there was a guy on here who thought he had a solid relationship and she ran off with an abuser -- because that's what feels normal to her and it's what she knows how to deal with up to a point.

So I just want you to not make any assumptions here that just because you are feeling like rescuing this lady, that that will be possible, because it oftentimes isn't. She may not be attracted to someone too nice, even if she wishes she were.

I too think the "sweetheart" was too much. She didn't text back because you said "if you want to" and there was nothing that needed to be said, plus she was busy texting her friends telling them, Hey I met this guy last night and he's already calling me Sweetheart.

January 26, 2017

Maybe thats a regional thing... I call everyone "sweetheart", "honey" or "darlin" all the time. Doesn't necessarily mean anything.

January 26, 2017

You said .My parting words were...'

If you wanted text chatter then you need to provoke conversation, not stop it with a statement.

She didn't want to kiss you - actions speak louder IMO.

January 26, 2017

You are getting ahead of yourself with this lady. You saying you know you can trust her is utter BS because you don't know her. Truth is, she was in an abusive relationship before, and many times that is because that is what is normal to you because that's how you grew up, the role modeling you were exposed to, and so many abused people stay in a cycle of being attracted to abusers and attracting abusers because they tolerate a series of small unacceptable things that seem like no big deal to them in comparison to other life experiences and so before they know it, the people who stayed are the ones no one else will tolerate.

Not long ago, there was a guy on here who thought he had a solid relationship and she ran off with an abuser -- because that's what feels normal to her and it's what she knows how to deal with up to a point.

So I just want you to not make any assumptions here that just because you are feeling like rescuing this lady, that that will be possible, because it oftentimes isn't. She may not be attracted to someone too nice, even if she wishes she were.

I too think the "sweetheart" was too much. She didn't text back because you said "if you want to" and there was nothing that needed to be said, plus she was busy texting her friends telling them, Hey I met this guy last night and he's already calling me Sweetheart.

It isn't that I know I can trust her. She just seems to me to be genuine and comes across as trustworthy because like I said, she wants to take her time and get to know me. That to me doesn't signify the cheating type. As far as the abuse thing she told me her ex physically beat her pretty bad. Why, I have no idea. My conclusion is that whomever this guy is was the insecure jealous type. I know I should've left out the sweetheart part. The only reason I threw that in is because she said 'sweet dreams' after I texted her when I got home last night. I personally don't think she's doing that with her friends. Help me out here, lol. I'm already on the fence about whether or not to be the next one to say anything. Don't make me keep debating whether or not I should because she may be rattling off to her friends. hahahaha

January 26, 2017

Maybe thats a regional thing... I call everyone "sweetheart", "honey" or "darlin" all the time. Doesn't necessarily mean anything.

From my experience it depends on the woman. Some love the endearment and reciprocate back the same way, others might do as as Preraph said and think I was getting too serious and rattle off to her friends. I would hope she's not like that. Personally i don't think so. She's doesn't seem to be a b**** who would do that. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I text her if I don't hear from her tonight.

Edited January 26, 2017 by Vocals5

January 26, 2017

I won't text her before noon tomorrow to see if she responds first. I'll wait till 1 or 2. Sometimes dating is real easy. Other times it can be a real pain in the a**. I don't really like texting because it's so impersonal, but that's what she prefers.

Edited January 26, 2017 by Vocals5

January 26, 2017

You said .My parting words were...'

If you wanted text chatter then you need to provoke conversation, not stop it with a statement.

She didn't want to kiss you - actions speak louder IMO.

You're correct about the first part. As far as the kiss, she did, very much so, but she didn't. I just went by the look in her eyes. I couldn't help it. She was so beautiful. We were both drinking and got caught up in the moment. I think if she really objected to it she wouldn't have invited me in.

January 26, 2017

I won't text her before noon tomorrow to see if she responds first. I'll wait till 1 or 2. Sometimes dating is real easy. Other times it can be a real pain in the a**. I don't really like texting because it's so impersonal, but that's what she prefers.

I agree with waiting. Let us know how it goes

January 26, 2017

This morning I texted her good morning in which she reciprocated. We were both having our morning coffee. I asked her if she wanted to go out and that I would make plans for us this Friday or Saturday in which she said 'sounds good'. My parting words were (and I quote) ':-)....okay. Let me get rollin'. Have to hit the shower and try and get as much as I can done as I can. I have to leave for work by 2. Text or call me later if you want to. Have a good day sweetheart'.

After that she didn't reply back. Not sure why. Critique what I just said.

There's nothing to reply to! You said you were getting in the shower and getting going and asked her to text or call you later if she wants. What do you expect her to say in reply? "OK"?

You are way overthinking this. I expect she is waiting to hear from you about the plans you said you were going to make for Friday or Saturday.

January 26, 2017

It isn't that I know I can trust her. She just seems to me to be genuine and comes across as trustworthy because like I said, she wants to take her time and get to know me. That to me doesn't signify the cheating type. As far as the abuse thing she told me her ex physically beat her pretty bad. Why, I have no idea. My conclusion is that whomever this guy is was the insecure jealous type. I know I should've left out the sweetheart part. The only reason I threw that in is because she said 'sweet dreams' after I texted her when I got home last night. I personally don't think she's doing that with her friends. Help me out here, lol. I'm already on the fence about whether or not to be the next one to say anything. Don't make me keep debating whether or not I should because she may be rattling off to her friends. hahahaha

You should call or text her when it's time to make plans to go out. She may not be a very texty type person or she might have stayed on the text with you all evening.

Just don't make assumptions about her that she is that ideal woman you dream about. No one is. And promiscuity has nothing to do with if someone will cheat in a committed relationship. She probably, however, just felt it was too soon to be moving that fast. You need to take her on a date and then kiss her gentelmanly when you drop her off.

The main thing you need to do is slow down and just stop making assumptions or expecting her to be a certain way and just talk to her and get to know her, and kiss her after a date until it seems it should go further. She may still be totally hung up on her abuser, for all you know, OR she may be reluctant to date again after that.

January 26, 2017

There's nothing to reply to! You said you were getting in the shower and getting going and asked her to text or call you later if she wants. What do you expect her to say in reply? "OK"?

You are way overthinking this. I expect she is waiting to hear from you about the plans you said you were going to make for Friday or Saturday.

I was waiting for her to say 'you have a good day too', or something. You may be right. Maybe she didn't feel the need to respond. I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

January 26, 2017

You should call or text her when it's time to make plans to go out. She may not be a very texty type person or she might have stayed on the text with you all evening.

Just don't make assumptions about her that she is that ideal woman you dream about. No one is. And promiscuity has nothing to do with if someone will cheat in a committed relationship. She probably, however, just felt it was too soon to be moving that fast. You need to take her on a date and then kiss her gentelmanly when you drop her off.

The main thing you need to do is slow down and just stop making assumptions or expecting her to be a certain way and just talk to her and get to know her, and kiss her after a date until it seems it should go further. She may still be totally hung up on her abuser, for all you know, OR she may be reluctant to date again after that.

Both times we texted were brief. I just let her know I got home safe. She said 'okay, sweet dreams' and that was it. In the morning it was brief as well. She does prefer texting. She told me.

She did want to kiss me. The way she said that she really want to with a sigh and tone in her voice staring in my eyes. Believe me when I tell ya. Yea.....she did....and she kissed me back just as sweetly.

I think she really likes me, but like I said, she's afraid of getting hurt again and wants to take things slow. Last night was all good. It's just the text thing this morning like others said I'm probably reading way too into.

January 26, 2017

It's all good. I'll just text her tomorrow at 1 if I don't hear from here beforehand and just be casual. Good morning, do you want to head out to 'bla bla bla' later. This band is playing'. I'm sure she'll say yes.

January 27, 2017

I agree with others. She wants you to come back with plans. Don't overthink it though.

January 27, 2017

I definitely think you are making a lot of assumptions, moving pretty quickly in your own mind, and definitely overthinking things... Slow it down or you will scare her away.

And if I may, if a man that I barely knew called me sweetheart after our first meeting, I would find that really presumptuous and I wouldn't be very impressed. I would proceed very cautiously until I knew more about his expectations...

January 27, 2017

Well she just texted me 45 minutes ago to say goodnight and sweet dreams. I reciprocated, then asked her while I had her on the line if she wanted to go out to dinner to the really nice tiki bar place that's right on the water tomorrow night, then go see my friends band play. It's their first gig at this place.

She responded by saying she'd love to, but she may be expecting in a girlfriend from out of town to hang with and that she'd let me know by 3pm tomorrow. I told her that's cool and she thanked me for understanding. I told her if her plans change she knows where to find me. lol...then I wished her a good night.

Now I'll just wait for her to respond next. Who knows, maybe she doesn't really have plans, just see how I'd react. One thing I've learned is in the beginning everything is one big test.

Edited January 27, 2017 by Vocals5

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I need the ladies point of view on this

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