skeoch100 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 So I have big commitment issues.... when things progress and get more serious, I get really horrible anxiety, panic, sleepless nights etc... it freaks me out, and obviously the impulse is to run for the hills, I think worse case scenario and feel like I can't cope with the pressure and risk of a relationship.... it all stems from a traumatic family divorce and subsequent carnage!! I have been seeing an amazing girl for 7 months, she totally understands me and has been so great to help me get this far... I've had anxiety, but she's given me space to take it at my pace etc so I've been pretty ok! ... there does come a time however when you need to step things up, and so we have started seeing more of each other, staying over more.... and talking about the future... she also told me she was totally in love with me, which I kind of knew.... awesome! Well you'd think... The change in pace and I guess seriousness has triggered bad anxiety!! It's scary as hell and I know it's ultimately fear of being hurt and abandoned again... I reaaaaaallly want to beat this and see it through, but can someone like me ever beat this?? Or will it rear its head every time we talk about our feelings or any plans??! I have strong urge to take 10 steps back again but I'm determined to make this work, she's totally worth it, but I just can't enjoy the process of falling for someone, it's terrifying me!! Haha.... does anyone have a success story for me? Or any experience of something similar to give some advise!!! Thanks a lot!!
smackie9 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 You are what they call "hot/cold" daters. Most therapists advise people to run for the hills if they are dating someone who is hot/cold. It's not something one can help fix. If your anxiety is interrupting your life and you can't control it, it's time to seek out professional help. 3
coolheadal Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 You need to relax and breath 3 times and say the word relax and try to control your emotions. What is your intent to continue or drop out? So you have to know what you really want out this. If you don't then you don't need to be n this situation. Past relationships you be healed before you take on anything like this again. There are so many groups for healing emotions. I conduct such a healing here but you should find something nearby these will help you feel more confident in yourself more self-esteem.
Author skeoch100 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 Thanks! I am seeing a therapist and I have been for a while! I'm very self aware about my anxieties... I'm totally commited to seeing this through, so I guess I answered my own question!! I've never blown hot and cold with my girlfriend and I always communicate with her... but it seems to be the consensus that people with this kind of anxiety never change!! Maybe I'm wrong.
Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I don't remember what it's called but there was a guy who specialized in your specific dilemma and he wrote a book--hopefully you can seek that out & bring up some of the things you learn from within with your therapist. I just remember that he was very successful with the guys he was helping. His main focus was guys with exactly what you are going through. I hope you can find it & get through this so you don't mess things up with your great girl.
Author skeoch100 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 I don't remember what it's called but there was a guy who specialized in your specific dilemma and he wrote a book--hopefully you can seek that out & bring up some of the things you learn from within with your therapist. I just remember that he was very successful with the guys he was helping. His main focus was guys with exactly what you are going through. I hope you can find it & get through this so you don't mess things up with your great girl. Thanks very much!! I'll look into it.... I sure as time goes on the anxieties will settle, I can see how it would be very difficult being with someone like me who wasn't really aware of what their issues were. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 You might find it helpful to read up on Attachment theory. Broadly speaking, there are 3 "types" of attachment: Avoidant, Secure and Insecure. The thought process you're describing characterize a typical Avoidant Attachment style. I think you will find the above enlightening. 1
salparadise Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 Broadly speaking, there are 3 "types" of attachment: Avoidant, Secure and Insecure. The thought process you're describing characterize a typical Avoidant Attachment style. ^Yup. Being conscious and aware give you the ability to deal with it. Stick with the therapy. Hopefully your girlfriend is someone who understands and is able/willing to help you sooth and work through it. Talking about it helps, but hopefully you aren't obsessive. When my girlfriend (who happens to be a therapist) and I were in the early stages of falling in love, I just put it out there. I'm not an avoidant type, so mine probably wasn't as intense as yours, but a certain amount is perfectly normal and expected. You can't allow yourself to become vulnerable without working through some anxious moments. She knew how to sooth. She'd say, Sal, you don't need to worry, and she meant it. Her behavior matched her words. A year and a half later, I'm over it (mostly). Hang in there. Learn to self sooth and process. When she tells you she's totally in love with you, believe her and take comfort in having found what everyone wishes for. Congratulations! 2
smackie9 Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 My advice....not all therapists are the same. You are looking for help here which means your therapy is not working for you. Money wasted. Go find a new therapist that can offer you alternative therapies.
palmsand Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 So your anxiety stems from fear of loosing her? Like for some reason you question whether she is really committed to you as much as you are to her? I play this twisted game in my head where no matter how much a girl seems into me, I can't get over the thought that she could be gone tomorrow. That all the wonderful things she has said were lies and leading me on. And I'm scared that today could be the last for her, etc. Even though that is always possible, look at it like this. If you give in to these feelings and run, you just made your worst fear a reality. I think the old advice of "fake it till you make it" is sound here. If things are going well, be happy in the moment and stick with it. Sooner or later you will convince yourself that all this worry is unfounded.
Recommended Posts