My first and only love dumped me after 8 years (7 living together)

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately that makes sense, she may not even had noticed I blocked her.

 

It's hard. I can definitely understand your pain.

 

But in time, as the cliche says, it does get easier. Maintaining No Contact facilitates that. You've done yourself a huge favour by blocking her. The last thing you need is to see updates on her, or be analyzing how she might be interpreting your posts.

 

The roller coaster will last a while. You'll have days when you'll feel okay, days when you blame these other guys, days when you blame her, and days when you blame yourself. Writing it out here will help you process.

[mccluskeyj17]

Being dumped and adjusting can be hard. You have given this person 8 years of your life so it can be hard moving forward. From what you shared there were red flags that you overlooked, but when you’re close to a situation or involved it can be hard to see. It sounds like your temperaments are different: you like to stay home but she was a social butterfly. Before marriage, I went through some relationships that were not good for me. Insanity is doing the same thing expecting the different results. Unknowingly I was going after the same type of man just a different face. I had to look at my track record and decide I did not want the same type of man that I had dealt with in the past. So I had to work on me. In order for you to not attract the same type of woman you have to be honest with yourself. Also you have to look at your parents’ relationship to see what you learned because this is what you take into relationships with you.

 

There is nothing wrong with you being a provider, it just wasn’t meant for this young lady. There are things that we all have to work on in our lives to be a better person, not so much for others but for ourselves. In order for you to love another, you have to love yourself. In this time as much effort as you put into loving your ex, put into loving you. As you mentioned, joining the gym, meeting other people, etc. It is not wrong to depend on others because no man/woman was meant to be an island. We need each other but we can become too dependent where our happiness is dependent upon someone else. You sound somewhat like me in your mood, when you’re up you’re up and when you’re down you’re down. When your down, look at what you are thinking on. Think on the good and your mood will follow, but you many have to fight to not focus on the negative.

 

You have a lot going on for yourself. At 19, you were able to research and move to another country, and start another business. You have been able to maintain without having to move back in with your parents. As someone mentioned, this is a new chapter in your life. You have the pen in your hand what will you write. Purpose to turn your weaknesses into strengths.

 

You’re ex wanted independence had nothing to do with you. She was a child when she entered into the relationship. And when she move in with you, you became more of a father figure than her bf. She moved with you to get away from her parents’ house, but she did not escape her problems. At some point in her life she will have to address the root of the problem. It is easy to see the flaws in someone else while ignoring our own. I once read a book about encountering the wrong relationships in order to find the right one. There was a post on facebook directed to young ladies: stop given husband privileges to your boyfriend. Sir, I would have to say to you: stop giving wife privileges to a girlfriend. I had to stop giving husband privileges to boyfriends and when I did my husband came along. Don’t let this experience make you bitter, let it make you better.

[Link2]

I hate and miss her so much.

 

I hate how when I spent all day working she didn't want to help me, and instead spent all day talking with those guys. I hate how she insisted that she was happy with me and didn't want anything with them, but ended up liking one of them. I hate how she kept talking with him while still living with me and having already told me she liked him. I hate her for telling me he was very different and that I should also try meeting other people. I hate how, if there were issues between us why didn't she tell me and instead just found the "solution" in someone else. Bad streaks are inevitable in any long relationship, but she didn't want to confront it, she let the 8 year old ship sink with me on it.

 

I made a list of things I didn't like about her, it includes 80 items... But... I miss her so much. I miss seeing her happy just for looking at my eyes. I miss how she'd continue whistling a song I started whistling. I miss hearing her laughing (with me, not with those guys, that was horrible). I miss how she made an effort to cook stuff I loved. I really miss hugging her in the bed. I miss having sex with her. I miss her adorable body (I was never very attracted to her physically, but I still found her very "kawaii"). I miss feeling loved, being with someone that cares about you and is just happy for being with you.

 

Right now I have no interest in starting any new relationship, nor to do the enormous effort to be in a situation where that is possible (right now it's impossible, I'm basically a hermit). Why doing all that, just to maybe end up with someone that will very likely do the same again to me, or something even worse (it'd had been much worse if we had kids, or if we had been married and she wanted to profit economically from me)?

Edited February 3, 2017 by Link2

[Maldives]

I agree wth surpudnes I too have to see my ex 5 days a week at work and she rubs it in and I suspect is about to start another office romance talk about pain man it is hell taking one day at a time

[Pumpingiron34]

It just honestly pisses me off, that it is the same thing with these girls every single time it is becoming more and more noticeable. Girls, constantly dump a dude because they can get better. WTF

[bluefeather]

You typed a lot.

 

I had to read it all, but it took so long, I will only use a small amount now to respond. Here it goes...

 

 

Sorry that happened.

This is gonna hurt. You will probably go through a butt-load of emotions. Sadness and anger to the extreme. BUT...

 

You're not alone.

 

This stuff happens all the time.

 

People grow together, or they grow apart. Regardless of either way, they still GROW. Unfortunately, she realized that she needed to experience a life of independence. That was her choice to make. You now have an opportunity to grow and find someone better. When you are ready*

 

If you have no contact with her at all, she might come back - tomorrow or next year, trying to feel you out or even get back together. Be prepared. I'm not saying that to get your hopes up. I'm saying that because it could happen, and you need to decide for yourself what kind of man you are, and what your boundaries are.

 

I suggest you talk to someone. Get some friends if you don't have any, and keep reading and writing here. It helps.

[Link2]

It just honestly pisses me off, that it is the same thing with these girls every single time it is becoming more and more noticeable. Girls, constantly dump a dude because they can get better. WTF

 

Unfortunately that's what's being taught to them. In more traditional societies, they would stick with the same guy (unless he was a really bad person, not just because they found someone that initially seems better). Guys are way more conformist than girls in this matter (way more often the dumper is a girl). Girls however are always trying to find the greener grass, and they don't care about the person they were with. It isn't just selfishness, which I respect, but something that in the long run is also bad for them. It's just Briffault's Law (https://www.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/1anu3q/briffaults_law/), which if uncontrolled destroys families and discourages men to be productive as they get tired of being used (instead of that some of them may use their resources to unproductive stuff, like learning how to seduce them, about fashion, spending too much time in the gym etc.).

 

Now, like in many animal species, only alpha males can find partners (and they generally have no interest in that), while beta males have to wait until girls are 35, when they no longer attract alpha males, and they often are single mothers. I can understand now the MGTOW movement. It just isn't worth the enormous effort to try to attract and maintain a girl, just to be dumped some time later (and often stolen by them because laws are favorable to them).

 

In my case I'm considering trying to find someone from Eastern Europe, where society isn't that much corrupted.

Edited February 4, 2017 by Link2

[gaius]

To sit at home, do no chores, no work, to play video games and talk to other dudes. Lame sex. I know you love her but you genuinely dodged a bullet with this one. =/

 

I would in the future recommend you be more masculine. To sit her down and tell her she needed to get her sht together or go live with one of the online dudes. The fact that she had the nerve to do all that and then act like you're the one that needs to change shows a tremendous amount of disrespect. You shouldn't have put up with it.

[Link2]

To sit at home, do no chores, no work, to play video games and talk to other dudes. Lame sex. I know you love her but you genuinely dodged a bullet with this one. =/

 

I would in the future recommend you be more masculine. To sit her down and tell her she needed to get her sht together or go live with one of the online dudes. The fact that she had the nerve to do all that and then act like you're the one that needs to change shows a tremendous amount of disrespect. You shouldn't have put up with it.

 

I knew she had many defects, but I still preferred being with her than alone (now I'm even more sure of that), and I knew it would be very difficult for me to find someone else.

 

I had no problem with her not working, as we didn't need more money. And in some way I preferred it that way, as she could pay more attention to me, the house and future children. The bad part about that is that she didn't value what I was doing for her (and now their parents will pay her expenses, so it won't be that different for her), nor our time together, as we were always at home.

 

I'd be happy just living with someone that loves me and wants to be forever with me, as I was sure it was the case with my ex. I don't ask for much (she wasn't even very attractive). Unfortunately from what I'm seeing that's much harder than it should be. I don't want to end up with Miss Carousel (who very likely would want to divorce some years later, as I'm not like the Alpha male she still thinks about), nor to get into the pick up artist game (I hate that and I have no interest in one night relations, if I wanted that I can just pay). It seems like I either go the MGTOW way or study Russian...

 

If it had to end like this, it's better that it has ended now rather than later, especially if we already had kids or were married. It could had been much worse. I still can't understand how she could change so much in just a few days, and how easily she was brainwashed by those 2 vultures.