Miss Peach Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 There are a lot of books and other things on the market such as 'Why Me Love Bitches' that suggest that men test a woman's boundaries to see what they can get away with. I'm curious if people on LS have found this to be true in their lives for people they care about. If so, was this dynamic present for the entire relationship? Did the game playing ever stop?
Larryville Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Men test women when it comes to dating basically to see whether or not he can fundamentally trust her. Primarily a man who is actually looking to find a woman to settle down with is she indeed committed relationship material? So trust is a very important part of that. A man who is NOT looking for someone to settle down will test to see what he can and can't get away with and whether or not he'll invest any time or if you are worth the time... in you to get what he's looking for (money or sex) 2
spiderowl Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 (edited) I suppose testing boundaries is something each partner will be doing all the time. Putting a stop to someone's unreasonable demands, or ensuring that both have boundaries to protect the relationship, are bound to be part of it. There needs to be a reasonable balance of such testing between partners. If there is too much testing coming from one, then the relationship can go to the wall. The partner who is tested relentlessly will simply get fed up of the 'games'. These games might not be conscious but in a way the motivation does not matter; is it the effect on the other that matters. People tend to react to testing according to their temperament and what they have learned from the past (mainly family). If parents bickered and ended up separating or divorced, then their child may adopt similar behaviours and find him/herself unwittingly dumped. It is hard to learn how to resolve conflict or deal with challenges if you have rarely seen good examples of this. It helps to know what underlies the testing. I suppose a clue to what this is may lie in when it happens. If a partner becomes challenging when possible love rivals enter the scene, e.g. female partner has male friends, then it could be that reassurance would reduce the need to test. If it is a defense mechanism and ultimately intended to be a way of ending the relationship, then no amount of reassurance or accommodation would help. Both people have a history too, maybe other romantic relationships that have not worked out and left them hurt. They may overreact in a new one and test to the point of destruction. If possible, it might help for them to have counselling to understand where their behaviour comes from. Testing is also a way of establishing the pecking order. Who is the more dominant? Are both equal? People have different needs on this front: some may actually prefer a more dominant partner, so when tested give in. Others may prefer a more equal balance and therefore have to find ways to deal with testing so that both feel the issues are resolved satisfactorily rather than in a win or lose fashion. I have seen very few couples where there does not seem to be an element of testing. The happiest couples I've seen tend to tease each other to find boundaries rather than have the testing turn hurtful. It is as if they already know the boundaries and have a private code for reminding each other, which involves a bit of fun and joking. Edited January 26, 2017 by spiderowl
Recommended Posts