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Should I just end this?

Stopme

By Stopme
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Stopme Member

Stopme

Posted
Posted (edited)

OK so ... I have been separated for almost a year, bad no sex marriage for 3 years before that. Very fragile emotionally, still willing to work it out with ex but he doesn't want to.

 

OK, end of last year I met a really great guy, this was accidental at a party. Neither of us is looking for a 'relationship' as he is just out of something and I am not yet divorced. Raw feelings, hurt hearts etc. But we totally dig each other. We started off full on, I put the breaks on, then he put the breaks on now we are sort of in 'texting mode'.

 

I have been away, he has been away, not much opportunity to grow anything anyway. But still in contact. He has major birthday in a couple of days, big 'do'. No mention of this to me, no invite but still texting (he is away).

 

Comes back for the 'big day'. Why no invite to his party? Because I am a FWB? We're not though, its too full on between us. It feels like this has potential but we are f**ng it up because we are both not ready/don't want to get hurt.

 

We have known each other a month, should I be upset he didn't invite me to his party? Is there someone there he doesn't want me to meet? This should not be upsetting me so do I just ignore further contact or let it ride for a while longer. I know he is hurting about things, but so am I and this is messing with my emotions. Advice, you can be brutal :laugh:

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

You've only known each other for a month. And during that month, both of you are pulling back hard enough to end this thing. You're not boyfriend and girlfriend. I can understand why you're not invited to his birthday.

 

If you want him to include you in his life, you have to part of his life with no reservations.

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Stopme Member

Stopme

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Thanks Basil67, OK. I do want to be part of his life but he has told me more than once he doesn't want a relationship because he just came out of one. I can't go in full on here because he doesn't want to. I dunno ...:eek:

JS84 Established Member

JS84

Posted
Posted

Not really sure what to tell you. And if you're going to pull back (which I feel is understandable and probably a smart decision in your case) I'm not sure why you would expect him to invite you to his birthday party if it's apparently a big deal to him. Maybe he'd feel awkward with you there around his friends and family or trying to explain how you guys know each other? You could always just ask him why.

 

Like basil67 said, it doesn't sound like you guys are actually a couple

 

Maybe date a bit more casually next time and try not to get too invested in someone you don't really know too fast. That will blow up in your face more often than not.

JS84 Established Member

JS84

Posted
Posted
Thanks Basil67, OK. I do want to be part of his life but he has told me more than once he doesn't want a relationship because he just came out of one. I can't go in full on here because he doesn't want to. I dunno ...:eek:

 

Ahh just saw this. Maybe he just wants to keep things casual.

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

You wanted a brutal opinion. :( Here's mine. You are closer to FWB than a potential gf. If it was the latter, you would see it growing in that direction. Instead, he's *downgraded to textlationship and didn't invite you to his party. It's just a bday party. He's keeping you away. It doesn't matter how "full on" you think it is, it's not full on af all.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Stopme Member

Stopme

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When I say 'full on', I meant the chemistry. You can still invite your FWB or FB or 'friend' to your party. :D

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Stopme Member

Stopme

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Just to clarify, we are not a couple. But still, I would invite a FWB or FB or whoever to my party, even if i hadn't known them that long, unless I had something to hide. Just my opinion ... :o

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Stopme Member

Stopme

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Cookiesandough - he's keeping me away. No prob. Just dont 'text' every day then??? :sick:

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

You can, yes. They can hold hands, spend the night, go out to dinner with a FWB (Probably shouldn't, but lines get crossed). But they don't have to, and they can parse them out of certain areas of their life as they see fit. He doesn't want you there. I don't know the reason. Also, texting is a great method of keeping someone on the backburner. It pretty much the most low-effort means of maintaining contact as possible. But I wouldn't be surprised if he texts you a lot because he enjoys talking to you. That doesn't mean this is headed anywhere near a romantic relationship. He said he doesn't want one:(

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Larryville Established Member

Larryville

Posted
Posted
I have been separated for almost a year, bad no sex marriage for 3 years before that.

 

Very fragile emotionally, still willing to work it out with ex but he doesn't want to.

 

OK, end of last year I met a really great guy,

 

this was accidental at a party.

 

Neither of us is looking for a 'relationship' as he is just out of something and I am not yet divorced.

 

I put the breaks on, then he put the breaks on now we are sort of in 'texting mode'.

 

I have been away, he has been away, not much opportunity to grow anything anyway. But still in contact.

 

He has major birthday in a couple of days, big 'do'. No mention of this to me, no invite but still texting (he is away).

 

should I be upset he didn't invite me to his party?

 

Is there someone there he doesn't want me to meet?

 

I guess something you get on this site and depending on your moods you respond in a certain way…

 

I just wonder when y’all post stuff on here do you read what you write before you post?

 

Do you not see or process the obvious?

 

You are still married and you state that you are still “willing” to work on a sexless crap marriage… seriously?

 

But your priority issue is why you were not invited to a birthday party? Seriously?

You need to pause and take a mental inventory and come up with better and more important priorities.

 

it doesn't sound like you guys are actually a couple

 

She is still married! Get a freaking divorce FIRST. Unless you are like way too many women who stay married for “financial reasons” so the FWB role is all you want to play at this stage.

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VeveCakes Established Member

VeveCakes

Posted
Posted
Cookiesandough - he's keeping me away. No prob. Just dont 'text' every day then??? :sick:

 

Let's look at the facts;

 

He doesn't want a relationship.

You are FWB

 

You have 0 right to be upset you aren't invited to his party. He has told you he doesn't want a relationship. LISTEN to what people tell you. No matter how much he texts you or sees you, he has made it clear, you are not in the running to be his gf right now.

 

If you can not be FWB with someone without getting feelings hurt, then casual sex is not for you.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
he has told me more than once he doesn't want a relationship because he just came out of one.

 

yeah, no... if this is his position, then you weren't going to get an invite because he probably doesn't want to explain to others at the party who/what you are when you both have pretty much agreed by your behavior with one another what/who the other actually is.

 

You both have told each other "you're in the friendzone"...

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
Cookiesandough - he's keeping me away. No prob. Just dont 'text' every day then??? :sick:

 

you know your phone has blocking capabilities on it, right?

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
When I say 'full on', I meant the chemistry. You can still invite your FWB or FB or 'friend' to your party. :D

 

Not if you don't want to have to explain to people that this is your bellywarmer.

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kgcolonel Established Member

kgcolonel

Posted
Posted

Stopme....initially I understood that you were still willing to work things out with your spouse.....having a FB / FWB isn't indicative of that.

 

If you want out of the M, get out and that way, you'll be ready and in a place to grow a relationship when you meet someone who also wants that. This guy, candidly sees you as a "piece on the side" regardless of what he says. His actions speak louder than his words. Frankly, it appears that you are so hungry for the love and attention that you're willing to ignore his actions for the crumbs he's offering you in the way of a text.

 

You control the texting....block him, make a decision on your marriage and your status and go full on with that decision.

 

Take control

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
OK so ... I have been separated for almost a year, bad no sex marriage for 3 years before that. Very fragile emotionally, still willing to work it out with ex but he doesn't want to.

 

OK, end of last year I met a really great guy, this was accidental at a party. Neither of us is looking for a 'relationship' as he is just out of something and I am not yet divorced. Raw feelings, hurt hearts etc. But we totally dig each other. We started off full on, I put the breaks on, then he put the breaks on now we are sort of in 'texting mode'.

 

I have been away, he has been away, not much opportunity to grow anything anyway. But still in contact. He has major birthday in a couple of days, big 'do'. No mention of this to me, no invite but still texting (he is away).

 

Comes back for the 'big day'. Why no invite to his party? Because I am a FWB? We're not though, its too full on between us. It feels like this has potential but we are f**ng it up because we are both not ready/don't want to get hurt.

 

We have known each other a month, should I be upset he didn't invite me to his party? Is there someone there he doesn't want me to meet? This should not be upsetting me so do I just ignore further contact or let it ride for a while longer. I know he is hurting about things, but so am I and this is messing with my emotions. Advice, you can be brutal :laugh:

 

You are FWB unless and until it's been declared that you are at least exclusive and/or in a relationship. Most dating scenarios that include sex, technically, start out as FWB for a period of time, IMO.

 

FWB does not carry the "burden" of being included in a dating partner's life. You aren't his girlfriend yet and it's understandable. It's very early.

 

However, the man has been clear that he does not want a relationship. The fact that he is only texting you and not setting up regular dates or inviting you to his party, just backs up his statement. He doesn't want to make you a bigger part of his life.

 

Because I am a FWB? We're not though, its too full on between us. -- Just because "its too full on between us", doesn't mean that it's not FWB. It just means you have a "full on" FWB.

 

It feels like this has potential but we are f**ng it up because we are both not ready/don't want to get hurt. -- Your feelings aren't in synch with the reality of the situation -- he doesn't want a relationship and you aren't in a relationship.

 

we are f**ng it up because we are both not ready/don't want to get hurt -- You've also told him you aren't ready for a relationship and yet, you are trying to pull him into one by having unrealistic expectations, spinning and overthinking the situation and not managing your emotions down.

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

OP--clean up the mess of your marriage, first, before trying to nail a guy down who has said he doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

That could be a huge reason why you're being caged up in the friendzone.

introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted

I just wonder when y’all post stuff on here do you read what you write before you post?

 

Best comment ever. :laugh:

 

OP, end it if you don't want to be a NSA FB. Otherwise, continue "full on."

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I really think "friends with benefits" is too gentle a term for what those type things really are, which is sex buddies. You are just his sex buddy. He doesn't want you in his life. He isn't full on with you. He's full on with sex. He loves sex, not you. Sorry.

  • Like 2
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)

I don't know your reasons for not finalizing divorce, nor is it my business, but dating while emotionally fragile is not a great idea. You're focusing on the positives and trying to justify the negatives. You don't know what you want, but then you do, so you waffle and send mixed messages. When a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship and you do, it's really time to move on. You're just settling yourself up for more hurt and time wasted.

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 1
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted

Stopme, you need to step away from this and get focused on just YOU for quite awhile. You are, in essence, reinventing yourself. Give yourself the opportunity to become independent, secure and strong in your own right. That is the "holy grail" for a woman who is divorcing. And, let me tell you, if you do "this" right, you may find yourself in a whole 'nother place in terms of relationships and what you need and want. You'll get real clarity for what you want your future to look like. You may find that you are completely happy just being you and when that happens, it is more likely that you will find a partner who complements your life. A woman doesn't need a man to make her happy. He should only enhance/support the happiness she already has.

 

"Waiting" for a man to MAYBE change his mind is like "watching paint dry" -- it's boring, frustrating and a waste of time. Instead of watching the paint dry, you should be shopping for new furniture for the place.

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

YOU have left the cosy world of married people and been thrown into the world of "casual", where the fact you are a separated woman no longer means that you are a decent "marriage/gf material" kind of girl, it often just means to some men that you are vulnerable and "easy".

All sorts of guys look for FWB kind of arrangements with separated/divorced women, as it is often not too difficult to get sex with no need for any commitment.

 

Here you wanted a gf type of arrangement, you wanted wined and dined and taken to birthday parties and fun events, but that is not what this is, is it?

This is just an "arrangement", it is NOT a real relationship.

 

He doesn't really want a "strange" woman at his birthday party.

You would need looked after by him, as you would know no-one else there and as he was not prepared to be your beau for the evening, (he may already have a gf), then where would that leave you?

 

Who is that woman on her own in the corner?

Oh that is just some woman he sleeps with when he feels like it every now and again.

Ah...

 

If you want to be treated like a gf, then do not get mixed up with men who do not want a relationship with you.

  • Like 5
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

I know plenty of men who only recently broke up with their long term girlfriend or FIANCÉE, who met the woman of their dreams shortly after.

 

My friends fiancé was dead set against a relationship when they randomly met at a club. They were drunk, and had such a special spark that they started making out within seconds of first meeting.

 

After a month of texting, they realised that they couldn't stop thinking of each other and were compelled to begin a relationship; she promptly dumped her awful ex and he totally changed his tune for her.

 

Most men will absolutely start a relationship and just fall into it naturally with the right woman. Only a few are truly emotionally unavailable for a relationship. I met one such man. To this day, he has yet to encounter a spark as white hot as what we shared. But he lacks a decent ability to love in my opinion. Aside from loving his kids that is.

 

So aside from that one guy I mentioned above.... pretty much all men have it in them to fall head over heels and want to commit to ther right girl.

Larryville Established Member

Larryville

Posted
Posted
We have known each other a month, should I be upset he didn't invite me to his party? Is there someone there he doesn't want me to meet?

 

If you want to be treated like a gf, then do not get mixed up with men who do not want a relationship with you.

 

Most men will absolutely start a relationship and just fall into it naturally with the right woman

 

pretty much all men have it in them to fall head over heels and want to commit to ther right girl.

 

L87 did you post in the correct thread? Just wondering...

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