Why Men Don't Ask Questions...

[PogoStick]

One of my best friends favours a more direct approach so she would definitely agree with what you said here.

 

You're agreeing with me so I think you'll be just fine But really, I felt younger dating is lots of fear and being afraid to say how you feel. As a man approaching 40, I value direct efficiency. I like you or I don't. Here's what I want out of a relationship and partner. Are you in or out?

Edited February 20, 2017 by PogoStick

[thecrucible]

You're agreeing with me so I think you'll be just fine But really, I felt younger dating is lots of fear and being afraid to say how you feel. As a man approaching 40, I value direct efficiency. I like you or I don't. Here's what I want out of a relationship and partner. Are you in or out?

 

Thanks PogoStick. I appreciate your advice and I am putting it into practice. You've encouraged me not to be afraid of saying outright what I need when dating someone and that in a way is part of the "getting to know you" process - to see if we match up in that way and can give each other what we need in a relationship. I'm going to remember what you say every time I go on a date now! I'll aim to be fearless! Thanks again

 

UPDATE: I met up with him again. I'll report back tomorrow and let you know how it went when I am well rested (past midnight here).

[thecrucible]

UPDATE:

 

I met up with him yesterday afternoon/evening. I did feel it went better in terms of conversation. He did ask some questions about me and when he didn't it did feel more like mutual sharing - I would say one thing, he would say one thing. It also progressed physically in that we kissed. I definitely felt something from it - not huge surging electricity and not a damp squib either - a happy medium between those two. We ended up doing a lot of kissing. He spoke about us seeing each other again and we arranged a day later in the week although we haven't set a time yet.

 

At the moment there are only a few concerns I hope to iron out when getting to know him:

 

1. We have always been drinking on our dates and it would definitely be nice to have a totally sober date. When I see him again, we will be going to bars but I want to keep sober for my health if anything (don't think I can do more than one drinking session in a week).

 

2. I'm also not sure how much of a take charge guy he is and I have definitely always been turned on by dominant guys. I don't mean he has to be a jerk about it - I've had my fair share of jerks too. No, what worries me is that he doesn't bring much of a plan to a date. I'm going to have to encourage him and see if he rises to the challenge. It's nice that a guy is accommodating on the date but it's also nice to be led, which can feel quite romantic.

 

3. He's also new in town and has only been in the area for about 4 months or so. I don't think he's made a lot of friends yet aside from through work. I mean this would be more of a concern if it went anywhere as you don't want to be the sole focus of a person's downtime.

 

4. He's less experienced than me (in his early thirties with one <6 month relationship under his belt). I don't want to write off a guy for this reason alone. It's only a concern to me because of #2 and my dislike of leading a guy too much in a relationship.

[Dis]

UPDATE:

 

I met up with him yesterday afternoon/evening. I did feel it went better in terms of conversation. He did ask some questions about me and when he didn't it did feel more like mutual sharing - I would say one thing, he would say one thing. It also progressed physically in that we kissed. I definitely felt something from it - not huge surging electricity and not a damp squib either - a happy medium between those two. We ended up doing a lot of kissing. He spoke about us seeing each other again and we arranged a day later in the week although we haven't set a time yet.

 

At the moment there are only a few concerns I hope to iron out when getting to know him:

 

1. We have always been drinking on our dates and it would definitely be nice to have a totally sober date. When I see him again, we will be going to bars but I want to keep sober for my health if anything (don't think I can do more than one drinking session in a week).

 

2. I'm also not sure how much of a take charge guy he is and I have definitely always been turned on by dominant guys. I don't mean he has to be a jerk about it - I've had my fair share of jerks too. No, what worries me is that he doesn't bring much of a plan to a date. I'm going to have to encourage him and see if he rises to the challenge. It's nice that a guy is accommodating on the date but it's also nice to be led, which can feel quite romantic.

 

3. He's also new in town and has only been in the area for about 4 months or so. I don't think he's made a lot of friends yet aside from through work. I mean this would be more of a concern if it went anywhere as you don't want to be the sole focus of a person's downtime.

 

4. He's less experienced than me (in his early thirties with one <6 month relationship under his belt). I don't want to write off a guy for this reason alone. It's only a concern to me because of #2 and my dislike of leading a guy too much in a relationship.

 

Hey girl!

 

I'm so glad the date went well!

 

I just learned a few things from a very wise person that I think will help you

 

You don't have enough info yet to make a decision about whether or not hes compatible with you. Its only been, what 2 dates? So take it easy on the analyzing

 

If you go into with apprehension and the tendency to be on the look out for any negatives...things wont go well

 

I'm not saying turn a blind eye to things that bother you....maybe just take your time and enjoy it instead

 

I also think its great that he was asking about you...maybe he was just nervous before

[zeeohsixer]

B/C they either have no game or no interest.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I wouldn't go to a bar again. I'd want to see how HE was sober too, not just how I was...and I would want to see how WE (together) were sober, with conversation, chemistry and so on.

 

Drinks are not a bad thing, but that will be now three bar dates, is that right?

 

Suggest walking a farmer's market or doing lunch or getting coffee instead.

 

JMO.

[thecrucible]

I haven't been on this site for a bit 'cause I've been busy dating. I'll keep you all up to date, assuming you still wanna hear more?

 

I've been on a third date with him now and will be seeing him again in a few days. I'm looking forward to it. He is very easy to talk to and I don't feel at all on edge around him even if I tell him things that I'd worry would usually put a guy off. He's a considerate person and we have interests in common. As I'm a quieter nerdy woman, I've sometimes felt pressure to be entertaining around more extroverted men. I don't feel like that with him. I feel like I could talk to him about anything and he'd be engaging with me and a good listener.

 

If you go into with apprehension and the tendency to be on the look out for any negatives...things wont go well. I'm not saying turn a blind eye to things that bother you....maybe just take your time and enjoy it instead

 

Thank you. I've definitely done that before and ended things with sometimes good guys too prematurely. I couldn't quite work out what was happening in my head but I've had time to reflect and I think my brain was wired on the bad guys. It confuses you. You think if a guy isn't being very forward with you in physical ways then he isn't interested. And some of the gestures these bad boys bring out don't mean you're special anyway. I dated a bad guy type a few years ago - he would take me to nice restaurants, buy me stuff etc and I got hooked. I'm actually ashamed of myself for how shallow that makes me seem. I was thinking about this guy and the guy in this thread and I am making that I don't want to be unreasonable with him. The guy in this thread already feels more real to me than that guy because I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him.

 

I mean I hope I'm not being unreasonable now. The part about those bad guys which attracted me was how proactive they were in setting up dates. It made me feel looked after (and I am the submissive type). I like a man with a plan haha. I encouraged the guy in this thread to surprise me for the next date. It doesn't mean I'm expecting the world, it would just be nice to do something a bit different than bar/restaurant hopping.

 

I also think its great that he was asking about you...maybe he was just nervous before

 

Yeah I kind of need to see him around other people to know whether maybe it's just part of his personality. I think some people just don't do that a lot anyway with other people. I have found when getting to know him that even though he doesn't ask many questions, he does listen intently and comment on what I've said and add some of his own. So I'll see if he warms up a bit more. Basically I just need more time.

[thecrucible]

I wouldn't go to a bar again. I'd want to see how HE was sober too, not just how I was...and I would want to see how WE (together) were sober, with conversation, chemistry and so on.

 

Drinks are not a bad thing, but that will be now three bar dates, is that right?

 

Suggest walking a farmer's market or doing lunch or getting coffee instead.

 

JMO.

 

I agree with you there. We did have drinks last time but it was later on in the date so I didn't think everything in our interaction was totally influenced by alcohol consumption. We seem to be talking better but he takes it really slowly. I guess I am just not used to that kind of guy. I'm so used to guys making more physical moves earlier. I mean at the same time, I wouldn't want a guy who was all casual with me. It's hard to explain what I mean. He said he will take me on a drive somewhere for the next date.

 

You don't have enough info yet to make a decision about whether or not hes compatible with you. Its only been, what 2 dates? So take it easy on the analyzing

 

I definitely felt something when we kissed and it's something I want to explore. We have been texting a bit every day between dates. I'm still figuring out how I feel but I'm not going to get freaked out and run away from closeness like I have done in this kind of situation before. I've realised and I can take my time and see how it develops. I was speaking to my friend's partner and he gave me the exact same advice - he said I have a tendency to over analyse dates. One thing concerned me was that he told me a friend suggested he was autistic or something. I'm trying not to read anything into it but it put me off a bit cause I would find it difficult dating someone on the spectrum (I did that before unknowingly and it was emotionally torturous).