Why Men Don't Ask Questions...

[bluefeather]

sorry, sweetie :/

[Versacehottie]

oh shoot, I'm sorry. Really sorry.

 

I think you should put the most accurate photos of yourself up on whatever site/app you are using, i.e. such as the ones you sent him later. That gives you the best chance that people who contact you already like what they see. And you would probably want them to do the same for you. This is not a lecture by any means. I just want you to be able to protect your heart/confidence.

 

Keep in mind too that he is just one guy's opinion not the whole world. And like a lot of people with online dating do, he could have been already attached and in a fantasy world about one image when then you provided another (not bad) it just disrupts whatever fantasy they've created. I also think that it's pretty rude for someone to ask for additional photos. So make sure you have a variety on there just in your profile. I don't think you are under any obligation to provide more if you put the maximum or a good amount on the site/app. Past that it's just time for both parties to jump into reality and they either want to meet you or they don't. I wouldn't feel obligated or jump through hoops of sending more photos if you've fulfilled that--then it just feels like they are examining merchandise (i.e. you) and it's a bit offensive. I mean both people are taking a risk when they agree to meet up and there are tons of reasons why either of you might not find the other your type--looks are just one element. He sounds like an idiot, consider yourself lucky to be rid of him.

[dispatch3d]

Funny, the dates I went on I got frustrated with the girl because she barely talked at all and didn't offer up any information about themselves. It was just me talking the whole time and eventually running out of stories/latests news/etc in my life. Is it not unreasonable for the guy to expect the girl to talk about herself a bit so he can get to know her? Why are we stuck with asking you questions to get you to talk about yourself. You could just take some gumption and talk about yourself.

 

I even purposefully left some pauses in the conversation so she'd have to pick a topic and make some effort in the conversation.

[thecrucible]

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate all the support on here.

 

I think you should put the most accurate photos of yourself up on whatever site/app you are using, i.e. such as the ones you sent him later. That gives you the best chance that people who contact you already like what they see. And you would probably want them to do the same for you. This is not a lecture by any means. I just want you to be able to protect your heart/confidence.

 

Thank you. My face shots are accurate. I have one accurate body shot. I don't have others because genuinely I haven't had a lot of pictures of myself taken recently with just me in (I don't like putting my friends online too much). I'll think I'll delete the rest and just keep that one. That's the best thing I can do at the moment.

 

To put things in perspective, I did meet a few guys from online who looked different to their pictures but the reason we didn't work out wasn't because of that. I more or less expect people not to look exactly like their photographs. I suppose it hasn't helped that I'm so busy during the week that I often have to meet guys straight after work and so I don't have any time to put on another outfit, perfect my make-up etc.

[thecrucible]

Funny, the dates I went on I got frustrated with the girl because she barely talked at all and didn't offer up any information about themselves. It was just me talking the whole time and eventually running out of stories/latests news/etc in my life. Is it not unreasonable for the guy to expect the girl to talk about herself a bit so he can get to know her? Why are we stuck with asking you questions to get you to talk about yourself. You could just take some gumption and talk about yourself.

 

I even purposefully left some pauses in the conversation so she'd have to pick a topic and make some effort in the conversation.

 

I do know what you mean, dispatch3d. I used to not say enough about myself but recently I've become a lot better at it, mainly because I do lots of talking in my job. I freely volunteer information about myself and on subjects I think would segue into questions and more talking as I suggested in my original post. I'm definitely not the kind of person who'd want the guy to do all the work or expect the man to do everything.

 

I would say that all I want is for a guy to lead on the first few dates. I'm happy to pick it up in the later stages but I see those early stages as an opportunity for back and forth and get a clear indication of interest. I mean I know what it feels like to be in a relationship where I've done or the work or become like a mother figure and that doesn't appeal to me at all. By taking the lead, I mean I want the guy to do asking out for the first couple of dates. When on the date, I'm happy to buy a few drinks etc. I'll always thank them for the date and let them know I enjoyed and I don't set insurmountable standards for enjoyable company.

[Dis]

I almost cried earlier. Not because of him but another guy. This guy had arranged to meet me tomorrow but bailed last minute. Basically I sent him a picture of my face. I always do this because I have slightly different hair and my dating pictures show different angles (not edited though). Anyway it was a little brutal. He basically said 'cause of that picture he didn't want to meet me. I showed my friends and they thought all my pictures looked like me including the recent one and gave me a bit of a pep talk. They also said he looked like a ****boy if you know what I mean. At least I've saved a tenner. I don't know if there are any other thick ladies out there on this site but boy the dating world can be harsh. I mean my body's more like a cross between Nicki Minaj and Kelly Clarkson. I don't expect every guy to find me attractive (I'm not a cocky person) but it can sting when they are up front honest about it.

 

Thanks you guys. I really appreciate all the support on here.

 

 

 

Thank you. My face shots are accurate. I have one accurate body shot. I don't have others because genuinely I haven't had a lot of pictures of myself taken recently with just me in (I don't like putting my friends online too much). I'll think I'll delete the rest and just keep that one. That's the best thing I can do at the moment.

 

To put things in perspective, I did meet a few guys from online who looked different to their pictures but the reason we didn't work out wasn't because of that. I more or less expect people not to look exactly like their photographs. I suppose it hasn't helped that I'm so busy during the week that I often have to meet guys straight after work and so I don't have any time to put on another outfit, perfect my make-up etc.

 

Awww girl! I'm sorry, wow he was blunt

 

For the record I think Nicki Minaj is fabulous!!!! I'm not overweight but I have a butt and boobs for days and I love that! I know some guys like a girl thats a flat as a board...and I dont care because I know theres other guys that like boobs and a butt. Just like theres guys out there who will love your body type. Just because one guy doesnt, doesnt make or break you!!!

 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

I would try to update your pics. And when you take them...be proud of who you are and what you look like! Confidence is everything

[thecrucible]

UPDATE: I don't think I'm going to hear from this guy again. I spoke to him last night. He text me about midnight and happened to be awake so I replied but it didn't get sketchy or anything. We just talked about our days. I told him I was practicing driving and he offered to give me some tips on it. Then I said "you seem like the kind of guy who doesn't give much away. I'm curious" and he said he was shy but "still waters run deep". Then after I said goodnight 'cause of the time. And he said goodnight. And that was that.

 

The thing is I told him Thursday that Monday was free and hinted that I don't like last minute arrangements (it's why I decided not to meet him on Thursday night because he text to make final arrangements only 3hrs before). You'll see from the above the kind of wording I used and I don't think I sounded really blunt or anything. Anyway I thought he would have asked me by now if I could meet at a particular time. I've arranged now to meet a friend tomorrow who text me earlier today for a gym sesh in the evening. Btw I know I could have asked him myself but I wouldn't feel good doing that because I wouldn't know whether he was meeting me because I'm willing to pick up the slack or because he is genuinely interested in seeing me.

[Dis]

UPDATE: I don't think I'm going to hear from this guy again. I spoke to him last night. He text me about midnight and happened to be awake so I replied but it didn't get sketchy or anything. We just talked about our days. I told him I was practicing driving and he offered to give me some tips on it. Then I said "you seem like the kind of guy who doesn't give much away. I'm curious" and he said he was shy but "still waters run deep". Then after I said goodnight 'cause of the time. And he said goodnight. And that was that.

 

The thing is I told him Thursday that Monday was free and hinted that I don't like last minute arrangements (it's why I decided not to meet him on Thursday night because he text to make final arrangements only 3hrs before). You'll see from the above the kind of wording I used and I don't think I sounded really blunt or anything. Anyway I thought he would have asked me by now if I could meet at a particular time. I've arranged now to meet a friend tomorrow who text me earlier today for a gym sesh in the evening. Btw I know I could have asked him myself but I wouldn't feel good doing that because I wouldn't know whether he was meeting me because I'm willing to pick up the slack or because he is genuinely interested in seeing me.

 

He's not being proactive = hes not that interested

 

Next him quickly

 

Expand your horizons and find a guy thats into you

 

I know online dating is tough but you can find better than this

 

Any guy that really makes you wonder whether hes into you or not is a waste of time

[thecrucible]

He's not being proactive = hes not that interested

 

Next him quickly

 

Expand your horizons and find a guy thats into you

 

I know online dating is tough but you can find better than this

 

Any guy that really makes you wonder whether hes into you or not is a waste of time

 

Thanks Disillusionment. That's exactly what I felt and I definitely don't want to pursue someone more than I should. It goes to show that the feeling I had when I wrote the opening post to this thread was on the ball and my intuition was in tune.

 

I don't think I'm aiming above my league either. I've had boyfriends of the same level of attractiveness as these guys so in a way I feel less disappointed. And then if it's an inauspicious beginning, the likelihood of it improving is pretty low. Thanks for the pep talk as well - cheered me up.

[anduina]

If you're already perceiving him in such a critical way, then it's best to move on.

[Dis]

Thanks Disillusionment. That's exactly what I felt and I definitely don't want to pursue someone more than I should. It goes to show that the feeling I had when I wrote the opening post to this thread was on the ball and my intuition was in tune.

 

I don't think I'm aiming above my league either. I've had boyfriends of the same level of attractiveness as these guys so in a way I feel less disappointed. And then if it's an inauspicious beginning, the likelihood of it improving is pretty low. Thanks for the pep talk as well - cheered me up.

 

Yay! So glad!

 

Ya, always go with your gut. I've had those gut feelings with past relationships and it never turned out well

 

As for guys not asking questions...I'm sorry but that is a HUGE red flag in my eyes and after dating a few of these types, I would NEVER do it again. Ya, if they're nervous on the first date, I'd cut them some slack but if it was a pattern...they'd be out

 

Time to wipe the slate clean. Remind yourself of what you deserve and what you dont. Then get back out there

 

Better luck this time!

[callmesally]

I also find that when I talk to others about dating it just makes it stressful for me. I've learned over the years that people unless they are neutral can cloud your judgement of a situation so I prefer to stick to my instincts now.

 

Wow. I really thought I was the only person who felt this way. I totally agree with you.

 

It's stressful sharing my relationship stuff b/c:

• Not everyone had the patience to listen. They can pretend only a few times. lol
  
• It's human nature for people to tapings based on their personal experience. Not everyone can be objective.
  
• I hate when people throw stuff back in my face when i get into a similar situation later down the road.
  
  1. Just when you think you're in a space about everything, some clueless know it all, comes along and says something to totally throw you off or deliberately distract you because they don't want you to be feeling down/high /otherwise
     

[thecrucible]

Wow. I really thought I was the only person who felt this way. I totally agree with you.

 

It's stressful sharing my relationship stuff b/c:

• Not everyone had the patience to listen. They can pretend only a few times. lol
  
• It's human nature for people to tapings based on their personal experience. Not everyone can be objective.
  
• I hate when people throw stuff back in my face when i get into a similar situation later down the road.
  
  1. Just when you think you're in a space about everything, some clueless know it all, comes along and says something to totally throw you off or deliberately distract you because they don't want you to be feeling down/high /otherwise
     

   

 

What I do is I just tell my friends after the fact now and they are understanding about this. They understand the way I want to share with them and that's fine. Even the tough situations I get in sometimes are more easily dealt with when I keep it only on my shoulders; because, well I think I just over-complicate things when I source advice from too many different people.

 

There are a few people I know in relationship just on the acquaintance level of knowing and they don't know me or how difficult it can be being single. They don't know that sometimes I'm walking away from situations which would do me no good. Instead I probably project the image that I'm either extremely picky or desperately in need of male attention.

 

Also ultimately I want to come across to the guy as myself not someone who has given me advice even if I do make mistakes sometimes. I mean I'm sure of a few mistakes with men recently. I become unsure how much interest to show when it feels lukewarm from them and I don't want to put to much forward when I don't really know them as it feels inauthentic to me. But I absolutely know that men like it when you give them tonnes of attention straight up and fawn all over them. I mean that's how some of them get caught up with overly flirtatious women who aren't actually interested in them.

 

It's awkward because any meet from the internet is totally blind and you know nothing about each other.

[thecrucible]

UPDATE:

 

I decided to give it a chance and have arranged to meet him again (he asked) and we set for Monday but not a time to meet or anything. He seems like a genuine and interesting guy and maybe first meets can be awkward. We've chatted a bit over text but it's been a few days since he text me back (Tuesday to be precise). I told him goodnight and I had to go and do something. Currently dealing with a lot as my grandmother passed away (haven't told him that) and it's been a bit of a sad week.

 

So I don't like chasing guys but nor do I want to play games with them either. Currently deciding whether to text him and be like "Hey just checking in with you. I'm thinking of getting the train at <insert time here> arriving at <insert time here> on Monday. Looking forward to it :)" 'cause it's to the point.

 

I know I know...I'm going against advice on this thread. This is something I want to do to see if I am overreacting/dismissing him too readily for shallow reasons. Obviously part of me is still thinking of how interested he actually is but I don't really want to be too under confident. I just had a pep talk from a friend along the lines of "If he's not interested, his loss".

[thecrucible]

haha I'm such a numpty. Made final arrangements to see him on Monday so we'll see how it goes.

[Dis]

haha I'm such a numpty. Made final arrangements to see him on Monday so we'll see how it goes.

 

Lol, I just totally flip flopped so I get how confusing dating can be. Its hard because we want to have an open mind but at the same time we also want to be as cautious as possible

 

Just try to keep your emotions in check, as in, dont get invested or attached to him before he shows you hes worthy of those things (easier said than done I know)

 

Good luck on the date!!

 

Let us know how it goes!!

[goldway90]

haha I'm such a numpty. Made final arrangements to see him on Monday so we'll see how it goes.

 

Like you said at least you're not playing games and actually trying to make things work, in the end if he's not interested it's his loss. Keep your head up.

[Joga_31]

Maybe he is shy. Or not interested you would have to date him a few more times to see how he really is.

[Better]

There are lots of factors that can cause this early on in dating, most of which have already been stated. I've certainly struggled with it and I'm sure other guys have as well.

 

You definitely want to present yourself well on the first couple of dates, which usually means that if you don't catch yourself you end up talking about yourself too much. That can be a problem.

 

Men also tend to want to be sympathetic, so they listen to a story from a woman and then try to relate to it. That can often come off as not caring about the original story and turning it around to be all about yourself. Also a problem.

 

There is also the land mine of asking a question that has a painful answer when you barely know someone. We all have baggage, and you never know when the most innocuous question will bring it out.

 

In summary, early dating can be difficult as you get to know someone. I think it's more on the man at first and then shifts later to the woman, but it's stressful on both until you know each other well enough to move from early dating towards a relationship.

[Chilli]

l don't like it when a girl didn't ask questions and stuff either.

And the times you would talk a little about something about you and then- nothing !

 

But so does this mean a women doesn't mind you asking questions, is a lot of questions still ok ?

Funny, l was always a bit self conscious about asking too much bc l had a bit of a thing as if it might come across as a nosey, prying, checking up , type of thing.

[PogoStick]

Men would be smart to learn this: The more a woman talks about herself, the more she likes the guy and rates the date as a success.

 

This has been shown in multiple social psychology studies. The reasoning is that the woman's mind thinks "I must like him (trust him, whatever) if I'm telling him all these things about myself." It also makes a girl feel like the guy is interested in her as a person and not just trying to get in her pants.

 

BTW, I've had some bad responses on here when I've mentioned the deep, prying questions I'll ask on early dates. Women here say it's wrong, but it goes back to the same principle. When the woman answers questions that would normally only happen with someone she is very close with, her brain has to justify answering the questions by accepting me as someone she must feel safe and connected to.

 

The psychological concepts are "self-disclosure" and avoiding "cognitive dissonance".

 

Anyways dudes, ask questions. Make her talk about herself and she'll think you're an amazing guy even when she learned almost nothing about you.

[TheTraveler]

Number one, if they're not interested in finding out about you, that says it all. They just like the way you look and just want to have sex.

 

Funny topic. A lot of guys will try to sell themselves in an effort to win you over. This has the opposite effect as it comes across as pleaser behavior.

 

After doing research, I learned you have to let the woman do 80-90% of the talking.

 

It's so easy and AMAZING the positive effect it can have. Instead of talking about yourself you just say things like "No S, tell me more, what else, how did you get into that?, I want to know everything " Etc.

 

This has a two fold effect. 1) it makes women feel more comfortable with you and appears you have an interest in them (if you do you will naturally want to know about them) and 2) you remain a mystery and she wants to know more.

 

I hardly say anything about myself at all. Has worked wonders.

 

And I can do what Seven described and have the girl in bed within a few hours of a first meet. Why? Because I'm so mysterious...

[PogoStick]

Also ultimately I want to come across to the guy as myself... I become unsure how much interest to show when it feels lukewarm from them and I don't want to put to much forward when I don't really know them as it feels inauthentic to me.

 

It's awkward because any meet from the internet is totally blind and you know nothing about each other.

 

It's definitely awkward. As a guy, it's frustrating that the onus is still on the man to "make the date" (both planning and often progression of the actual date). Truth is, I know almost nothing of the woman so it can be difficult to find common ground to act upon. With internet dating, women need to come in 50/50 with trying to find connections you can share.

 

As to showing interest, I believe in being very open and authentic. If you're really feeling good about a guy after the first date then tell him! Be expressive and don't hold back. If something was lacking then say that too "I struggled to connect with you on the first date but I'd like to see you again and see if we can find more common interests."

 

Being clear and honest with him also means you'll be honest with yourself. You'll be quicker to recognize if a date is turning out to not be relationship material. We avoid that directness because we want so bad to make the date a success.

Edited February 19, 2017 by PogoStick

[thecrucible]

Hi PogoStick, thanks for taking the time to reply to my post.

 

As to showing interest, I believe in being very open and authentic. If you're really feeling good about a guy after the first date then tell him! Be expressive and don't hold back. If something was lacking then say that too "I struggled to connect with you on the first date but I'd like to see you again and see if we can find more common interests."

 

I would definitely tell him if I was feeling good. I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. It's just with this guy it was hard the first time because, at the risk of sounding vain, I didn't get the vibe from him that he was interested in getting to know me much. I think I am a quiet sensitive person. There's a lot below the surface and I need to kind of see that that is something the guy can relate to or at least respond well to. I know some guys are quite literal and rational and I have dated guys who didn't feel emotionally available to me so I need to know they are not that kind of guy. I think you can intuit that without getting super intense with them either. Your "Be Expressive" suggestion is my mantra going into every date now.

 

Being clear and honest with him also means you'll be honest with yourself. You'll be quicker to recognize if a date is turning out to not be relationship material. We avoid that directness because we want so bad to make the date a success.

 

Well I've been burnt by not being direct enough before when really if I had done so earlier, it have saved some heartache later and also saved time flogging a dead horse. Meanwhile, there's probably situations with guys that might have worked out better if I'd tried a more direct approach. Wow thanks for getting me to think about this in a different way. One of my best friends favours a more direct approach so she would definitely agree with what you said here.

[OatsAndHall]

Conversations are give and take. I have been on dates where I have asked a dozen questions about all kinds of topics to keep things flowing. I have also had dates where the woman talks continually and I don't get a word in edge wise.

 

I generally start off by letting the woman lead the conversation and go from there. I don't talk a lot about myself outside of the basics (my job, my hobbies, etc..) unless I am asked as it's easy for me to go on and on about something I'm interested in and look self-absorbed.

 

And, there are times where I will just absolutely jump the shark with my sense of humor to keep things clicking along. On my last date, the topic of the "Twilight" books came up (I can't remember how..) and I chose to poke fun at the series by making fun of the sparkling, pedophile vampire.. We were both rolling in a hurry.