VictoriaB Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Oh please I went out with a man who was asking a lot of questions but also talked about himself and all he wanted was sex anyway... 1
chphan Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I just had a first meet with this guy from POF and we spent a couple of hours together having drinks. I did notice that he didn't ask a lot of questions about me. I kind of pointed it out but in a playful way, not a rude one. Well conversations should flow and seem natural. Asking questions becomes a Q&A sessions and no one likes that. At least not with me. It's like a job interview. First meet is just something you want to see in terms of attraction as you are trying to break the ice. I'm not one that like to do Q&A on a first meet. Just doesn't come off natural especially when you don't know how the other feels about being put on the spot to provide answers. 1
Author thecrucible Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 Well conversations should flow and seem natural. Asking questions becomes a Q&A sessions and no one likes that. At least not with me. It's like a job interview. First meet is just something you want to see in terms of attraction as you are trying to break the ice. I'm not one that like to do Q&A on a first meet. Just doesn't come off natural especially when you don't know how the other feels about being put on the spot to provide answers. If you go to one of my posts in this thread, you'll see that I said I don't want a Q&A session. That doesn't mean it's wrong of me to want an encouraging conversation where we ask each other questions so there's a balanced back and forth. I'm ready to give a bit of benefit of the doubt. I mean it's more awkward meeting up for drinks with someone you don't know and being faced at them across a table than it would be doing a more active date or something. I'll definitely think about different settings. I'm trying to figure out if there's a spark and gut instinct says no but I'm still thinking about it. I'm just wanting to give it a fair hearing and not be influenced by anything I shouldn't be or any misconception.
Author thecrucible Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 Number one, if they're not interested in finding out about you, that says it all. They just like the way you look and just want to have sex. Hi preraph, you are one of my favourite posters on here. I have been pondering this all day and I wonder if your statement could be correct. I mean he didn't ask me a lot of questions and I'm not saying a date should be an in-depth Q&A, I just picked up on that vibe. Plus I actually prompted him to ask me some. I tried the question game. I said we could ask each other anything and give whatever fun answers we could think of. But the only questions he asked were what my hobbies were (which he would know anyway from my profile) and how far away the pub was from my place. Well he's texted and asked me to meet up again. I said "What do you have in mind?" and he's suggested another pub meet but in his city. I'm still mulling it over. I wonder if he is really a serious guy or whether he is just less assertive but either kind of guy I think would not make me feel secure in a relationship. I mean one of my best friends was telling me "you need a confident guy to balance you out". Just as an aside ('cause it may have nothing to do with him) but I'm getting really disheartened by the casual guys I meet out there. I mean I'm not crying but it makes me feel like I must not be attractive or something for those guys to see me as a one time girl.
lionlover1973 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 He said he was naturally shy Well, there you have it. It could be that he is trying to be respectful of your boundaries and didn't want to step into a minefield. He asked you out again so that's a good sign. Obviously, there comes a point in any relationship where you want the person to take an interest in your life and be able to communicate freely, but hey, this is just a first date. Perhaps you desire someone who is a bit more extroverted and/or forward?
hercules22 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 im a guy whenever i meet someone new i always try to talk about myself and ask them a few questions aswell to get some sort of idea what there like
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 Some people are just really, really bad at being social, so maybe that's it. He also may have believed he was impressing you with his "me, me" stories. He may have been trying to look good in your eyes. In actuality, this sort of thing makes a person look worse, but the "talker" doesn't realize it and just keeps going on. That wouldn't mean he was a bad person or anything, just sort of clueless about talking to women.
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 Probably because they don't want to hear about your boring job, family, friends, hobbies but want a sexy, flirty conversation that will put you both in the mood for sex. Talking just about oneself, telling stories about oneself, and so on are definitely not sexy, flirty conversation. In fact, flirty almost always brings the other person in (and closer)...it's not "but enough about me...what do YOU think about me?" When I'm flirted with the guy generally is leaning in close, looking directly at me...that little smile...making hints, comments, very often about me, or about us, or about general sexy things. Flirting generally is a focus on the other person, and trying to draw that person in. And how is it that HER job and HER life make for "boring" talk but his don't? Is he The Most Interesting Man in the World? It's his own monopolization of that conversation that more than likely was as stimulating as watching paint dry. One can only take so much of that.
normal person Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 There's a rhythm to conversations that most people should have mastered by the time the time they reach adulthood, and it involves a lot of mutual question asking and sharing of information. If one person asks all the questions, and the other does all the answers and never wants to know anything about the other person, that's red flag because the person doesn't have a grasp of social cues (and who knows what else) and/or just isn't interested. Number one, if they're not interested in finding out about you, that says it all. [...] Number two, remember early dates are their BEST behavior, so this is a genuine red flag. They are not looking for intimacy, and some of them are just dead boring people with nothing to talk about. Yes. It's statistical fact: many guys will spend dates 1-2 talking about themselves because their intention is to impress you (sell themselves). Very astute of you to pick up on the fact that it is not because he is self-absorbed because it's not for a bad reason that they do this. However, women need to be careful not to let a pattern establish because of the first dates dynamic where you don't get to talk about yourself. If he doesn't ask questions, talk about yourself. It's honestly a male brain thing (for real, biologically). Perhaps, but any guy who spends an inordinate amount of time talking about himself to "impress" at the expense of learning vital information about a complete stranger could be very insecure and/or clueless. He'd rather aggrandize himself than learn anything about you, and doesn't realize how disadvantageous and rude that can be. If the guy can't see that that's a bad idea, and doesn't have the capability to change this tactic, it's a big deficiency in my eyes. I wouldn't go out with him again, if I were you.
losangelena Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 I dunno. I would probably cut the guy a little slack. I rarely went out with men who asked a lot of questions on the first few dates—I chalked it up to them being nervous or self-conscious. I tend to think that men don't often feel listened to, and I found I got good mileage being the good listener at the beginning. In my experience, once they felt comfortable, they relaxed and focused more on me. OP, I feel bad that you're feeling unattractive because you feel as if no one sees you as a longterm potential. That can't possibly be true, and men who can't see your potential are not worth trifling over. From what you've described, it doesn't sound like this guy is just trying to get in your pants; and I agree with whomever said that there are men who still want to just get laid and will ask you all kinds of questions. Those circles can overlap in a Venn diagram. If I were you, I'd see him again. 1
elaine567 Posted January 28, 2017 Posted January 28, 2017 It is a narcissistic society, many people have little interest in anyone's life apart from their own. A: I've just come back from the trip of a lifetime B: I am sure you had a nice time but can I just tell you about my amazing trip to Africa last year, it was phenomenal.... (2 hours of never getting a word in edgeways) A: As I was saying the trip of a life-time... B: Bye have to go. Catch up later.
Author thecrucible Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 Thanks Everyone. I'm going to meet him again and just see what he's like. We've not arranged a time and place yet. I find online dating kinda awkward as things can feel serious really quickly. My aim is to give it up to 4 dates for any person I meet and only get further involved if it feels right. I went out with a guy a couple of years ago but we didn't get further than 3 dates. It sucked because he was really good on paper but I didn't get a romantic feeling around him. I find it easier when I think "no definitely not for me" than thinking about the fence sitting kind of prospects. @losangelena - Thank you for your encouraging words. It was in my head because I was at my tennis club the other night and this ex turned up and he's someone I felt a strong attraction to (we never had sex) but when we met up I couldn't trust him so never saw him again. It was getting me thinking about how I either get one or the other - strong attraction but guy just after sex, or lovely guy but no attraction. I know the love attraction is different from lust and this is the feeling I'm looking for. I've felt it before so I know what to watch for. I've certainly come across the naturally charming "wants to get in your pants" guy so I'm definitely aware of all this. I don't really think that about this guy. I'm just not sure if there's a natural rapport when I compare this to falling in love situations I've been in. I'll put my best foot forward though.
bluefeather Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 I'm curious to know if the conversations improve this time. Could be that he was nervous, but he might be more prepared, come round 2. 1
Deidre Posted January 29, 2017 Posted January 29, 2017 My own personal experience when a guy doesn't ask you any questions about you or your interests usually isn't interested in you as a long time potential. I'm curious to hear how this works out for you. Keep us posted. I agree with this, too. Either he's not interested in you at all, or just interested in sex and wants to move on to see if that might happen.
Author thecrucible Posted January 29, 2017 Author Posted January 29, 2017 I agree with this, too. Either he's not interested in you at all, or just interested in sex and wants to move on to see if that might happen. I don't know him at all so anything is possible. I've come across shy guys before who I initially saw more innocence in than they actually had. I'll go in with a non-suspicious mind allowing me to see whatever is really going on. The sleazy thing hasn't really crossed my mind at all to be honest as there's been no physical escalation and I haven't been feeling the desire to kiss him or anything like that. I'm just responding naturally. For my own comfort levels, I've suggested coffee rather than bars. This will make things a bit clearer when alcohol is not in the mix.
Author thecrucible Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 Quick update: We arranged to meet Thursday. Have sent some back and forth texts but nothing definite re: time and place. Another guy asked to meet. I suggested Wednesday as other days I would have to miss social commitments I'm looking forward to. He lives 45 mins away by train. He says "I don't want to travel that far for a 1hr date" but then I would have to do the same if I went to see him on Friday. Hmm.
LoveFiend Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 My current girlfriend and my ex-wifes all have the same annoying problem with me. My first ex-wife would literally throw up her arms and have temper tantrums. She would get mad I wouldn't ask her this or that and she would get mad that sometimes I was not listening to her when talking to her. She would say I just say "yeah" a lot and bother listening to anything she was saying, which was half true maybe I vaugley listened to half what I heard everything else went in one ear and out the other. She also would get mad that she would wear something just for me and I wouldn't notice the new ofit or ask any questions about where she got it or what she is wearing. She would go pouting, start slamming doors, act fustrated, and just act extremely irritated. My current girlfriend does the same thing, but it is too early to really see how ticked off she really gets when I act this way.
bluefeather Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 He says "I don't want to travel that far for a 1hr date" Sounds like a great guy 1
Versacehottie Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Sounds like a great guy Agreed, much worse than some guy who is talking about himself probably out of nervousness & trying to impress you. I think you should give the first guy a chance and absolutely cut 2nd guy loose. That's simple. If 1st guy never relaxes (and you need to speak up about yourself too), then you ALWAYS have the option to cut him loose as well. Good luck
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 1, 2017 Posted February 1, 2017 Oh please I went out with a man who was asking a lot of questions but also talked about himself and all he wanted was sex anyway... Exactly! I've bellyached at great length on here of how horrible men seem to be anymore when it comes to communicating, especially on the first date or two. I've even called it an 'epidemic' it's gotten so bad. As someone who greatly values communication, it's been a serious struggle for me and has often been the reason why I've taken frequent breaks regarding OLD and just dating in general. After a while, it just feels exhausting never mind disheartening. Having said that, although I will agree that in many cases, men who don't bother asking any questions and/or spend their time talking about themselves until they're blue in the face, aren't sincerely interested in you, the opposite isn't always what it seems either. I've been on just as many chatty dates with men who quiz me with rapid fire questions that run the gamut from the most mundane to insane. At first, it feels exciting that someone appears to be very interested in me only to realize that they're actually supreme a**holes in disguise just looking for one thing and one thing only Finding a partner who is a good communicator often feels like finding a needle in a haystack I will say that some of those men who seem less interested initially really just prefer to get to know someone gradually, organically. Not everyone enjoys playing 20 Questions on the first date. Moral of the story? There is no real rhyme or reason to dating. You can't write everyone off just because they may not communicate the same way you do or in ways you would like. Take each person as they come before passing judgement either way. 2
Author thecrucible Posted February 1, 2017 Author Posted February 1, 2017 Agreed, much worse than some guy who is talking about himself probably out of nervousness & trying to impress you. I think you should give the first guy a chance and absolutely cut 2nd guy loose. That's simple. If 1st guy never relaxes (and you need to speak up about yourself too), then you ALWAYS have the option to cut him loose as well. Good luck Yeah I'm thinking of taking a bit of space from guy 2. He is going away to work for a month thousands of miles away so he says he's keen to meet soon because of that. But I'm sensing burnout if I meet him this week when I plan to meet up with others on possibly two days. I have a regular sports class on Friday evening and I don't really want to miss that as it's important for my wellbeing. I don't want to be jumping through hoops for a guy already when I don't really know him. 1st guy just text me again. We still hadn't set a time for Thursday. It's 11pm on Wednesday but we'll see. I think you guys are right to see how this one plays out. And although I'm shy too, I was definitely volunteering plenty about myself last week. However I would say that I'm not the kind of person who can't run out of things to say or keep talking for a very long time. But I feel if I believe I am making an effort to put myself forward then I shouldn't push it. Interactions should feel natural. Another guy asked to meet up Sunday but nothing has been confirmed re: arrangements. I made sure I was last one to message so the ball is in his court. Been trying to keep all this dating on DL since I'm still living with my parents (excellent block for the dodgier guys). I also find that when I talk to others about dating it just makes it stressful for me. I've learned over the years that people unless they are neutral can cloud your judgement of a situation so I prefer to stick to my instincts now. 2
Author thecrucible Posted February 1, 2017 Author Posted February 1, 2017 As someone who greatly values communication, it's been a serious struggle for me and has often been the reason why I've taken frequent breaks regarding OLD and just dating in general. After a while, it just feels exhausting never mind disheartening. I totally feel the same. It's not heartbreak that gives me the OLD burnout. It's the sheer amount of effort to keep up contacts and to get to those elusive dates, the logistics even. I've been on just as many chatty dates with men who quiz me with rapid fire questions that run the gamut from the most mundane to insane. At first, it feels exciting that someone appears to be very interested in me only to realize that they're actually supreme a**holes in disguise just looking for one thing and one thing only Thanks for offering that perspective. I definitely don't want the opposite and to feel bombarded with questions. I certainly don't this to any guy I go on a date with. I mean for the first date, I just want to feel there's a conversational flow and some rapport. As an introvert, I can appreciate everything not being in one's face anyway so this is why I'm meaning not to sound disdainful or anything like that. Finding a partner who is a good communicator often feels like finding a needle in a haystack I will say that some of those men who seem less interested initially really just prefer to get to know someone gradually, organically. Not everyone enjoys playing 20 Questions on the first date. Moral of the story? There is no real rhyme or reason to dating. You can't write everyone off just because they may not communicate the same way you do or in ways you would like. Take each person as they come before passing judgement either way. Thank you . I like your thinking! 1
Moves Like Jagger Posted February 2, 2017 Posted February 2, 2017 If you cut him off, can you at least let him know why? A lot of guys are terrible at the art of conversation because nobody ever told them that what they were doing was bad. Some guys are socially awkward because they spent too much time focusing on school and work instead of their relationships with other people.
Author thecrucible Posted February 2, 2017 Author Posted February 2, 2017 UPDATE: I haven't met him again yet. We were meant to meet tonight but no plans had been firmed up in terms of time, where we would meet and what we would do until day off. It was only decided that it was meant to be in the evening. I rescheduled because last minute plans make me a little anxious and I couldn't let family know near enough in advance that I'd be away for the evening (it's a train ride to get there). Conversation went like this: Him - "So, if you're still planning on coming I can meet you at the station...we can decide what to do when you arrive if that sounds ok" Me - "I'm really sorry about this. I wasn't sure if we'd firmed up plans and my parents wanted me to have dinner with them so I can't come through to the city. I can come through on Monday if you're free? x" Him - "That's fine - no worries! My fault - should have been clearer! I am free on Monday so happy to rearrange for then. Enjoy dinner! x" Me - "That sounds great. Looking forward to it! x" Him - "Me too! Something to look forward to during my night shifts!x" Well that went better than I thought. I'm hoping he will get back to me with plans for Monday. I kind of thought it was cool how easygoing he was when responding to my text. Oh and I declined guy no2. 2
Author thecrucible Posted February 5, 2017 Author Posted February 5, 2017 I almost cried earlier. Not because of him but another guy. This guy had arranged to meet me tomorrow but bailed last minute. Basically I sent him a picture of my face. I always do this because I have slightly different hair and my dating pictures show different angles (not edited though). Anyway it was a little brutal. He basically said 'cause of that picture he didn't want to meet me. I showed my friends and they thought all my pictures looked like me including the recent one and gave me a bit of a pep talk. They also said he looked like a ****boy if you know what I mean. At least I've saved a tenner. I don't know if there are any other thick ladies out there on this site but boy the dating world can be harsh. I mean my body's more like a cross between Nicki Minaj and Kelly Clarkson. I don't expect every guy to find me attractive (I'm not a cocky person) but it can sting when they are up front honest about it.
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