GeorgeWP93 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Time and time again, I get dumped because, 'it wasn't as exciting as at first' or 'the spark has gone' some I can agree with it happens fair enough. But the last one I have never clicked with a girl like I have her, she's older, had one previous long relationship, we clicked instantly, it was all dandy, fun, banter, both admitting it was nice to just be with someone without the pressure, actually having the exact same morals and understanding when it comes to relationships. About 5 months in after New Years, which was a romantic and awesome night she goes a bit quiet, alarm bells are ringing, I act normal, not at all needy but I know something is up cos she doesn't want to see me, she confesses that she always gets really funny and pushes people away this time of year because this time 5 years ago she had a lot of health issues but bear with her she will come through this, fine I'll support her and before long I tell her I'm coming to see her and she's fine, everything goes back to normal for a couple weeks. We head off for a weekend away and she's fine until the second day, she's quieter than usual but it's the first time we've been away and obviously you're together more than 72 hours so maybe the conversation isn't constant but I get the sense something's up. Day after we are back she tells me she's not happy and the spark has gone... a week earlier she was inviting me on a holiday with her family and looking at other holidays! Tell me why when I was there for her when she was taken into hospital, helping her, stuck by her when she was being a bitch that when I have a few bad days, baring my auntie died and my nan has just been diagnosed with cancer, ive probably not been myself for a week or two. And the fact that the butterfly's surely aren't going to be there after 6 months as much? Why don't people understand that relationships aren't perfect? They take work, you have to fight for it but there's a reason you are at this point.
central Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I don't know what to tell you. You sound like a fine person, loyal and caring. But, do you get complacent after a while, and perhaps neglect to make the effort you make early in a relationship? It could be that you are more accepting of differences than the women you've dated - they may want greater compatibility, and eventually find that it isn't there. That's something that work alone won't fix, because you also need the desire to work on it.
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 I don't know what to tell you. You sound like a fine person, loyal and caring. But, do you get complacent after a while, and perhaps neglect to make the effort you make early in a relationship? It could be that you are more accepting of differences than the women you've dated - they may want greater compatibility, and eventually find that it isn't there. That's something that work alone won't fix, because you also need the desire to work on it. You're not wrong, I think I'm old fashioned but don't get me wrong I don't let people walk all over me, I just like to look after people who look after me. I definitely do get comfortable in a relationship, I don't think complacent. I still made effort to plan things to do, our relationship was filled with things compared to a lot of my friends. You're probably right, i must lack something for them, maybe it's that I tend not to argue, just tell them what I think and move on. I just get the reoccurring feeling that initially I give these women immense butterfly's and that giddy feeling, which eventually dies down, it does for me but for me that's just being comfortable and content with the person, they see it as the relationship has died and move on. I'm gonna struggle with this breakup, we've all been there before but I couldn't finish a day at work, I just had to go home and break down which is really not like me.
Lilyana76 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I think people are spoiled and think everything should have instant gratification. Reality smacks them eventually. And they can't handle reality, they think its suppose to be hearts and rainbows and butterflies forever. Relationships take WORK... and a lot of it! Some people just lack the incentive. 2
central Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Relationships take WORK... and a lot of it! Some people just lack the incentive. Even relationships between highly compatible people require work - but a LOT LESS work than relationship where there are greater differences and mismatches. My first marriage was a LOT of work, and all that effort never made for even a comfortable relationship. It wasn't worth the effort, in the end. This time, we're extremely compatible, and there is relatively little work involved to maintain happiness, communication, romance, and true caring for each other. If a problem does occur, we deal with it quickly and without carrying over past issues and resentment, because we really can't stand being unhappy with each other. 1
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Even relationships between highly compatible people require work - but a LOT LESS work than relationship where there are greater differences and mismatches. My first marriage was a LOT of work, and all that effort never made for even a comfortable relationship. It wasn't worth the effort, in the end. This time, we're extremely compatible, and there is relatively little work involved to maintain happiness, communication, romance, and true caring for each other. If a problem does occur, we deal with it quickly and without carrying over past issues and resentment, because we really can't stand being unhappy with each other. Thanks for the responses, it's really comforting. Some relationships you want to be in as a youngster but they were never going to work and you see it when you grow and learn. The last girl, yes at first it was butterfly's and all that lark but am I mad in thinking that after 6 months, it was okay for the butterfly's not to be there? I was still excited to see her. And I could see it in her eyes that she was still excited to see me, sex was still good. What went wrong? I wasn't myself for maybe a couple weeks but nothing drastic.
RecentChange Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I am all for “putting the work in” in a relationship, but not that early in the game (5 months) and it has to be WORTH IT. Not every relationship is, far far from it. 5 months? Perhaps that is when the initial limerance wears off. When those sex hormones aren’t putting a rosy tint on everything. I have dated a number of guys that I was basically compatible with, no “big issues” - but I just wasn’t WILD about them. After the new and exciting part of the relationship wore off, there just wasn’t much there. Yeah, that’s not something I am going to heavily invest in to “fix” – I am not going to be putting in hard work after only 5 months. And I don’t believe a relationship that young should be “hard work”. I would say the first oh…. 8 years with my husband was smooth sailing. We really didn’t hit any bumps in the road until about 9 years deep – and yes, then I was very much willing to put in the hard work. We knew we were compatible, we knew we loved each other, we knew we have something worth improving. So while yes, I agree, relationships take work – but I don’t know about “fighting” for a relationship that is less than a year old. I don’t think things should be that hard. If a year in its work, what is 20 years down the road going to look like? 1
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) I am all for “putting the work in” in a relationship, but not that early in the game (5 months) and it has to be WORTH IT. Not every relationship is, far far from it. 5 months? Perhaps that is when the initial limerance wears off. When those sex hormones aren’t putting a rosy tint on everything. I have dated a number of guys that I was basically compatible with, no “big issues” - but I just wasn’t WILD about them. After the new and exciting part of the relationship wore off, there just wasn’t much there. Yeah, that’s not something I am going to heavily invest in to “fix” – I am not going to be putting in hard work after only 5 months. And I don’t believe a relationship that young should be “hard work”. I would say the first oh…. 8 years with my husband was smooth sailing. We really didn’t hit any bumps in the road until about 9 years deep – and yes, then I was very much willing to put in the hard work. We knew we were compatible, we knew we loved each other, we knew we have something worth improving. So while yes, I agree, relationships take work – but I don’t know about “fighting” for a relationship that is less than a year old. I don’t think things should be that hard. If a year in its work, what is 20 years down the road going to look like? That's a fair response, I tend to agree but for most people that is dreamland, I'm experienced in relationships and even for me the initial buzz dies down but does that really mean the relationship is done? Why have you gotten to that point? Probably because you were mad about them, does that change within a week? Some people it's the attention, sometimes that's obvious, sometimes you change in a relationship and they get turned off, sometimes it's not meant to be. Some girls I can tell they've gradually lost interest because I've had a rough patch in life, been distracted, insecure and needy so I understand why they go but this one even a week ago I could see it in her eyes that she got giddy around me, she got goosebumps when I touched her.... now she's happy to never speak to me again and act like strangers. That's life, I understand but it's hard to get my head around because I'm not like that. 6 months isn't a lot but surely that depends on the amount of time you spend together and what you've been through as a couple? 6 months to me is a sizeable chunk to me as pathetic as you may deem that to be. Especially with what people tell you and how they make you feel. Also when I say fight I mean, don't give up because the giddy feeling is gone for a few days baring in mind, she was weird for a week, I had to look after my nan while her sister died, my auntie, nan was diagnosed with cancer, looking after my demented grandad. Life has troubles and the person you're building a relationship with is having a hard time, doesn't mean the relationships done. Edited January 25, 2017 by GeorgeWP93
fromheart Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 We're usually not lucky enough to meet our souls mate the first time, or even the first two times. Most of us will probably be involved with quite a few people before we meet the 'one.' What I see you doing here, is sticking it out when its time to call it a day. A while back, I was a nice guy who did the same. 'stuck by her when she was being a bitch' Why are you sticking by her when she's being a bitch? That's only going to get worse with time, especially if you tolerate it. This is doormat territory. You must be clear with someone that you don't tolerate this sort of behavior. If she can't accept that and continues, then its time to move on. As we go on, we hopefully learn more about ourselves and what we are looking for in another person. We filter out the ones who have personality disorders like bitchiness, and look for the ones who are secure within themselves. You sound like a good, dedicated sort of person. But the fight for you might be to be a bit more ruthless in your selection process, and only invest in the ones who are worth your time. 1
Fair Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) Sure relationships aren't perfect but some people are more skilled at them than others. And some simply can't manage them no matter what, which may not necessarily denote something wrong with them, sometimes it's an indication of extreme sensitivity and depth. But I digress... you can't have a hissy fit if someone you pinned your hopes on can't give you what you need, and you shouldn't EXPECT anyone to stand by you just because you think you connected. She has her own feelings. It's not easy merging personalities and lives... we're all complicated, we all have struggles that have nothing to do with you... be kind to her and to yourself. If the shoe doesn't fit, move on. I think most troubles are just due to a lack of relationship skills... if only people came with their own user manual. Edited January 25, 2017 by Fair
basil67 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Have you considered that the what they are telling you about lost butterflies is just a breakup line? There could well be other reasons, but the women may not be bothered in going through the process of detailing it. Or perhaps reasons which they can't put their finger on. As a rule of thumb, I disagree that relationships are hard work and need to be fought for. If this is your experience, then I'm wondering if you haven't yet found a good relationship.
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 Believe me, people don't walk all over me, the bitchiness was due to a trauma so I understand, she asked me to wait around so I backed off and stuck by her, why? Because the chemistry was there, we were comfortable in the relationship, it didn't matter if we sat in our pjs all evening. Do you leave a relationship at the first sign of trouble every time? Even if you've had that chemistry up until that point. Also i love being single, i meet these people naturally, some it doesn't last a few dates, some i meet families and have time away and i just let it progress comfortably
preraph Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Relationship do take work, you are certainly right about that. But not everyone wants to be in one bad enough to make all the compromises and sacrifices to make it work. Some people would rather be by themselves than working to keep something going. I think the sweet spot is when you find someone who you are just more naturally in tune with and rarely run out of anything to talk about with. That's hard to find, I guess. And even if you have that, other things can tear you apart. I know something will work out for you. But do hold back a little and don't let it be you doing all the caring and compromising. Don't let it get unbalanced like that. Generous people tend to do that but then get angry when it's not reciprocated, but not everyone is willing to be that way, so you can't expect them to give more just because you do. So just remember to try to stay within reciprocal boundaries next time you are building a relationship so you don't end up with someone for whom you will give your all and they won't. Giving your all is for when you meet someone who will do the same and you marry her. And then you will both end up giving your all for your kids, probably. Hang in there.
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 (edited) Relationship do take work, you are certainly right about that. But not everyone wants to be in one bad enough to make all the compromises and sacrifices to make it work. Some people would rather be by themselves than working to keep something going. I think the sweet spot is when you find someone who you are just more naturally in tune with and rarely run out of anything to talk about with. That's hard to find, I guess. And even if you have that, other things can tear you apart. I know something will work out for you. But do hold back a little and don't let it be you doing all the caring and compromising. Don't let it get unbalanced like that. Generous people tend to do that but then get angry when it's not reciprocated, but not everyone is willing to be that way, so you can't expect them to give more just because you do. So just remember to try to stay within reciprocal boundaries next time you are building a relationship so you don't end up with someone for whom you will give your all and they won't. Giving your all is for when you meet someone who will do the same and you marry her. And then you will both end up giving your all for your kids, probably. Hang in there. Thanks, that post helped so much! I'm not full on in the sense that I go out of my way to help people, especially at first. However, I do think I'm traditional when people care about me and are concerned for me I reciprocate. My girlfriend was shocked when I would help her when she was ill (she has crohns) often saying 'as if you would do that for me' or 'I can't believe it doesn't bother you' but why would it, we are after all, in this relationship to add to each other's lives and support each other are we not? Sitting up the hospital till 2 in the morning with her, while my nan and aunt were also ill in hospital wasn't ideal but do people not look after each other in this day and age? When she was having a difficult start to the month and asked for my patience, I could have walked away, she wasn't making me happy but I didn't. Why? Because I knew what it could be like with her. Why didn't my feelings disappear like hers did for me in my time of need? I know she owes me absolutely nothing but why for a change don't people stick with you? I truely believe that with social media it's too easy to move on and get those temporary butterfly's in your stomach from somewhere else. I'm heart broken, I know it's over, I know not to contact her (although I have some shoes to get LOL) and I know I will get better but I would like to understand why people leave at the first hurdle? Also it's comforting to know that it's maybe not me, it's just people's lack of understanding of relationships and progression. It's not always rainbows and butterfly's people, it may be worth thinking about! Edited January 26, 2017 by GeorgeWP93
preraph Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 You know what I think it may be. People with chronic illnesses, it saps their energy and it stresses them out. They may just want to simplify and not deal with anyone else or the obligations of a relationship. They may not be able to really enjoy a relationship and may feel bad about not being able to meet all the obligations. I mean, I've even heard many times people who had bad health problems or their kid did or a parent did, they will often pull away from other relationships to give what little energy they have where it's needed most. They will simplify and pare down their activities and obligations. I know myself, I had a pretty intense online thing going for 3 years and I broke it off when my sibling was in the hospital for 6 months and I was having to work 2 jobs and take care of both our bills and run to the hospital nearly every day. I just stopped thinking romantically at all and was just doing all I could to get it all done in a day, and I just called it all off.
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 You know what I think it may be. People with chronic illnesses, it saps their energy and it stresses them out. They may just want to simplify and not deal with anyone else or the obligations of a relationship. They may not be able to really enjoy a relationship and may feel bad about not being able to meet all the obligations. I mean, I've even heard many times people who had bad health problems or their kid did or a parent did, they will often pull away from other relationships to give what little energy they have where it's needed most. They will simplify and pare down their activities and obligations. I know myself, I had a pretty intense online thing going for 3 years and I broke it off when my sibling was in the hospital for 6 months and I was having to work 2 jobs and take care of both our bills and run to the hospital nearly every day. I just stopped thinking romantically at all and was just doing all I could to get it all done in a day, and I just called it all off. Again thanks soooo much because it makes perfect sense. She's got a stressful job, it's been stressful the last week or so of the relationship and she's been complaining recently about how tired she is, she has a flat to herself to run, we had a weekend away last weekend which involved lots of walking and she wasn't chatty, something was off and she said the whole time she was knackered. When I went round to see her at the break up she was emotionless and straight up didn't give a ****. I told her that I wasn't here to convince her or make her feel guilty, asked her when she felt like the spark had gone, she said she didn't know, she said she felt bad but it wasn't convincing (why would she) I told her if she wasn't feeling it then it's done and that I was gutted, handed my bracelet back to her, got my stuff and thanked her for the last 6 months. It sucks when you're sat alone on the sofa after a hard day at work, nobody to talk to or text, the only plans for the weekend are going out drinking with a friend or two. I guess sometimes people just can't do relationships and as they have no control over their emotion and they do just go for no real reason. I'm sad and lonely right now.
mightycpa Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 If I understood your story correctly, I can think of three things that may or may not be related: One factor is the relative need to be in a relationship. Apparently, you need a "successful" one more than she does. She is more willing to accept that relationships fail. Another factor is longevity. The amount of work you put in is usually proportional to the time you have invested. Imagine if you had started squabbling on Day 2. How long do you think that would last? Not long, right? What about if this was your first rough time in a decade? She'd probably work with you for a long time. In 5 months, you didn't really earn a lot of her effort. Another factor is attraction. She may have simply lost her attraction for you, and it has nothing to do with anything else. No attraction = no commitment, especially in the early stages.
Author GeorgeWP93 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 If I understood your story correctly, I can think of three things that may or may not be related: One factor is the relative need to be in a relationship. Apparently, you need a "successful" one more than she does. She is more willing to accept that relationships fail. Another factor is longevity. The amount of work you put in is usually proportional to the time you have invested. Imagine if you had started squabbling on Day 2. How long do you think that would last? Not long, right? What about if this was your first rough time in a decade? She'd probably work with you for a long time. In 5 months, you didn't really earn a lot of her effort. Another factor is attraction. She may have simply lost her attraction for you, and it has nothing to do with anything else. No attraction = no commitment, especially in the early stages. Yep, you're not wrong, I wouldn't say I need a relationship but I'm definitely more happy in life when I'm in a happy one (who isn't) I agree that the time isn't really that long but what about when you've spent a lot of time with their friends, their family, done lots and experienced lots together, been through tough traumas together... does that have no influence? I wouldn't even say it was effort needed, just time, do you honestly think that within a week you go from being with someone where you're besotted to feeling nothing? Even two weeks?
behappyallisOK Posted January 27, 2017 Posted January 27, 2017 i wish it was that easy. stay strong . it gets easier. believe in yourself
Maldives Posted February 4, 2017 Posted February 4, 2017 I think I hav a good answer me and u are the same George I feel ur pain mate ...the critical info u r looking for its taken me 25 yrs of broken hearts is because we attract that type of woman plus we giv off that energy. Have a think let it dwell in the mind but finally made sense. Where do we get these skill sets our parents no one teaches u relationship skills in school Essentially we are attracting the same type of partner otherwise it would have worked as there's many examples where a lot do work out. How do we break that pattern? I hope to learn that this time but one thing is asking questions that draw out wat u can anticipate wth that person look for similarities in my case there past hope that helps and hope u n me heal brother
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