newsbug Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 So I have met a guy from online. We started texting and we have pretty much texted all day, everyday for a little over a month. We have been on three dates..after the last one we hooked up. Things seem to be going pretty good and steady, but I’ve seen on FB where there are a couple of girls he seems to like. One of which I have noticed she posts lots of lovey dovey junk and he has liked some of them…and he has tagged her and the other girl in stuff. So I kind of think he is dating other people…which could kind of be okay since we are still new and we aren’t really at that exclusive thing…but I’m afraid that maybe he is closer to one of them than me. And I don’t want to waste my time getting closer and closer to him while he actually with someone else. I want to ask him about it, but I don’t want to seem like a psycho, possessive kind of person, especially when all I have to go on is what I’ve seen on stupid FB. Should I ask him about it or let it go and try to ignore it? I know he just got out of something pretty serious around July, so I understand the not wanting to rush things...I just don't want to look like an idiot or possibly the other woman to one of those girls.
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 If he was really into you he wouldn't be keeping you as an option. I think you have seen enough. Bail and move on. 5
Orlan Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Many people date multiple men or women at the same time, there is nothing wrong with it until exclusivity is discussed. Until then you should always assume that they are seeing other women or men. Yes, you can ask him about it. Don't ask about her specifically or say you are stalking his FB, but you can ask if he is seeing other women in general or bring up exclusivity. P.S. If he really liked you, he would lock you down. He wouldn't be seeing other women because you'd be the only woman on his mind, and he wouldn't want to risk another man snatching you up. So to speak. 5
kendahke Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 So I have met a guy from online. We started texting and we have pretty much texted all day, everyday for a little over a month. We have been on three dates.. after the last one we hooked up. So I kind of think he is dating other people…which could kind of be okay since we are still new and we aren’t really at that exclusive thing…but I’m afraid that maybe he is closer to one of them than me. So, someone he just met a month ago should be closer than women he's known far longer than a month? That doesn't make sense. And I don’t want to waste my time getting closer and closer to him while he actually with someone else. Why wasn't this conversation had before you slept with him? Did you discuss his friends? Have you met any of these friends he has on FB? I want to ask him about it, but I don’t want to seem like a psycho, possessive kind of person, especially when all I have to go on is what I’ve seen on stupid FB. Should I ask him about it or let it go and try to ignore it? I know he just got out of something pretty serious around July, so I understand the not wanting to rush things...I just don't want to look like an idiot or possibly the other woman to one of those girls. I'd let it go until you two have a conversation about exclusivity. I'd watch what he does and I'd certainly stop having sex with him until he begins talking, of his own volition without any prompt from you, about exclusivity with you. As it stands, you've got the makings of a FWB. 3
Larryville Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Why wasn't this conversation had before you slept with him? This is not a specific knock on the OP. But I just find it funny that people will get the courage to post a detailed situation… but refuse to sit down and frankly and openly communicate needs, wants, desired, expectations, ground rules ect. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history, and expectations into it. Better communication is a skill that should be learned, prioritized and refined. Why people won’t prioritize communication is beyond me. 7
introverted1 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Ugh. How is it that these questions always seem to come up after sex? There is nothing wrong with casual sex, or FWB, or even early sex. BUT... If having sex is going to make a person wonder about exclusivity or interest then those are topics that should be discussed BEFORE sex,not after. At this point, OP, all you can do is start a conversation about what each of you is looking for from a relationship in general and from each other in particular. No need to bring up FB specifically - share what you want and see if he wants the same. 9
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 people just "assume" things.....in reality when you are going out on your dates, wouldn't you be asking these kind of questions, and stipulating, say, that you don't multi date, looking for a relationship, future goals (not saying you want one RIGHT NOW), but just having these kind of discussions as a way to gauge things. You can't base intentions from texting and complements. 2
Jj66 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 people just "assume" things.....in reality when you are going out on your dates, wouldn't you be asking these kind of questions, and stipulating, say, that you don't multi date, looking for a relationship, future goals (not saying you want one RIGHT NOW), but just having these kind of discussions as a way to gauge things. You can't base intentions from texting and complements. You mean people don't ask these types of questions on dates? I always asked her what she was looking for. At least that way I knew the best tactic to get into her pants ;-)
kendahke Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 One cannot sex a man into a relationship he has no intention on being in. You find that out by asking him "what are you intentions?" He'll tell you. You either believe what he's telling you and go forward or you don't and you back the heck up. That's just common sense. 3
Miss Spider Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) One cannot sex a man into a relationship he has no intention on being in. You find that out by asking him "what are you intentions?" He'll tell you. You either believe what he's telling you and go forward or you don't and you back the heck up. That's just common sense. It is, but some women think if they play it "cool"...are nice and patient and put no demands on a man whilst letting them walk over her boundaries AND give him good sex he will fall in love. It's similar to the "friend zoned" guy who thinks if hes nice and sweet and patient and never pressures for sex and is always there as emotional shoulder to cry on the girl will fall in love. Because that has worked before. Once. I mean in the expanse of human experience that has to have happened at least one time. Right? The only guy you're going to scare off is one that had no intention of being exclusive with you in the first place. Don't expect things change just because you had hooked up(not directed at you op) Never treat your vagina like it's a scarce commodity because the only guys you'll land with that is a guy who agrees that it is. Doesn't look like this guy is one of those. Right now you are one of his options and not seemingly not even the main one. So you're going to have to talk to him to and tell him what you want and prepare for his answer. Or wait around hoping that he drops all the other girls for you because you're so chill and don't care where it's going. Edited January 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough 4
Author newsbug Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 It wasn't the having sex that makes me want to be exclusive...I'm don't think I'm ready for him to be my "boyfriend" per se, I guess I am just needing to have the "where is this going" conversation and I'm scared of the outcome and was just needing to hear/read others tell me the same thing. And I have thought about hiding his junk of fb since, in theory, I'm okay with him dating other people right now...I just don't want to see it. It's just so new and this is the first guy I've dated in 4 years...so I'm trying to play it cool. Dating is stupid. Ha, ha.
LoveFiend Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 (edited) I have a lot of girls on my facebook account who are just friends who post stuff similar to that too. Most of them have boyfriends or are married. They are women I have known through the years as friends. I have a girlfriend and she is the only one in life who I am dating and having sex with. I wouldn't be too concerned about his facebook messages and girls on his account. Edited January 26, 2017 by LoveFiend
Redhead14 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 So I have met a guy from online. We started texting and we have pretty much texted all day, everyday for a little over a month. We have been on three dates..after the last one we hooked up. Things seem to be going pretty good and steady, but I’ve seen on FB where there are a couple of girls he seems to like. One of which I have noticed she posts lots of lovey dovey junk and he has liked some of them…and he has tagged her and the other girl in stuff. So I kind of think he is dating other people…which could kind of be okay since we are still new and we aren’t really at that exclusive thing…but I’m afraid that maybe he is closer to one of them than me. And I don’t want to waste my time getting closer and closer to him while he actually with someone else. I want to ask him about it, but I don’t want to seem like a psycho, possessive kind of person, especially when all I have to go on is what I’ve seen on stupid FB. Should I ask him about it or let it go and try to ignore it? I know he just got out of something pretty serious around July, so I understand the not wanting to rush things...I just don't want to look like an idiot or possibly the other woman to one of those girls. You've slept with this man. If you are grown up enough to have sex, you are grown up enough to open a conversation about what each of you are looking for out of your dating journeys. The time to have this conversation, however, is before you become intimate with them. Nevertheless, if it happens after, so what? As long as it happens. "You know, Xname, I'm dating with the goal of having a relationship for myself at some point. What are you looking for right now?" And, then let him talk. If he says he just wants casual dating, you two aren't on the same page. If he says he's looking to have a relationship with someone, you sit back and observe whether he dates you that way. I understand the not wanting to rush things -- Well, you've already had sex, so that plan is kinda moot. I know he just got out of something pretty serious around July -- You may end up being the "rebound girl". I just don't want to look like an idiot or possibly the other woman to one of those girls -- So, you want to look like one of those girls who just keep having sex with a guy without knowing his intentions and stringing herself along? but I don’t want to seem like a psycho, possessive kind of person --Making a statement about your goals/needs is not being psycho or possessive. It's about establishing a boundary and having clarity for yourself. Psycho/possessive would be "You know, Xname, I don't like that you're talking to other women and you are MY boyfriend now, so stop". 2
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 So I have met a guy from online. We started texting and we have pretty much texted all day, everyday for a little over a month. We have been on three dates..after the last one we hooked up. You need to have a look at your overall dating with him. Only 3 dates in a full month isn't much. Were those dates weekend dates? What did you do on those dates? did they last long? See, if a man had only seen me 3 times in a month I would think he isn't that much into me and he's dating around. When a man is interested he'll be interested in seeing you a least a couple of times a week. A weekend date and a mid-week date. So what was your dating like? I think you liked him A LOT and it kept you from seeing the real picture. 2
Pill Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 When a man is interested he'll be interested in seeing you a least a couple of times a week. A weekend date and a mid-week date. I usually agree with you a lot but I don't think this is necessarily true. Seems like a lot of you guys think every dating situation starts with infatuation. If I have a life, hobbies and friends I'm not spending 3 times a week on someone I don't even know that well. Even if I like them a lot. 1
Author newsbug Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 You need to have a look at your overall dating with him. Only 3 dates in a full month isn't much. Were those dates weekend dates? What did you do on those dates? did they last long? He lives in a different city that's a little over an hour away. And he has his son part time and works two jobs and I work full time...so that has been the times we have been able to fit it in.
Author newsbug Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 I understand the not wanting to rush things -- Well, you've already had sex, so that plan is kinda moot. but I don’t want to seem like a psycho, possessive kind of person --Making a statement about your goals/needs is not being psycho or possessive. It's about establishing a boundary and having clarity for yourself. I don't think having sex is the rushing things. I think it's just the natural part of getting to know each other...seeing if we mesh enough to continue seeing each other. Rushing things is having to see each other all day everyday and wanting to move in with each other...being overly possessive of him too soon. And I think you are right...I need to just suck it up and have the conversation about what's going on with us. I'm just being a big chicken..I know it will either go great and he's on the same page as me or it won't and it will be over, which is better sooner than later...but will still suck. It's big girl panties time! Ha, ha!
anna121 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 If you're "not ready for him to be your boyfriend" then what exactly is it that you want from him? 2
Author newsbug Posted January 26, 2017 Author Posted January 26, 2017 If you're "not ready for him to be your boyfriend" then what exactly is it that you want from him? I guess I just want to know if we are on the same page with things. I want to make sure that if he is dating others, then they are just casual and figuring things out. Not that they are serious and I'm just the other woman kind of thing. Honestly, if FB didn't exist then I would be pretty darn happy with everything right now. But I just have to talk with him and I hate these kind of conversations cause...but that's all that can be done to figure it all out. I guess I just came on here for that extra push in doing what I already knew I needed to do. Why can't anyone just magically tell me my future?! Ha, ha.
Redhead14 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I don't think having sex is the rushing things. I think it's just the natural part of getting to know each other...seeing if we mesh enough to continue seeing each other. Rushing things is having to see each other all day everyday and wanting to move in with each other...being overly possessive of him too soon. And I think you are right...I need to just suck it up and have the conversation about what's going on with us. I'm just being a big chicken..I know it will either go great and he's on the same page as me or it won't and it will be over, which is better sooner than later...but will still suck. It's big girl panties time! Ha, ha! A woman can/should have sex with a man she likes if she is so inclined, however, she should not expect anything as a result. You had sex with this man before you got to know him and what his dating goals/intentions were and then you actually did get a little "possessive". You realized he was seeing/talking to others and then being concerned that he would become closer to one of them than you. Yes, sex is part of the "equation" for getting to know one another on a deeper level but that really should only be added to the development of a relationship once the couple has decided to focus more deeply on the possibility of a long-term, more committed relationship. Whether we like it or not, having sex early and without knowing whether you are at least on the same page, clouds the process. And, I always tell women that the first time she sleeps with a man, even if it's been a few dates and if there was no discussion regarding dating goals, she should assume it will be a one-night stand, unless and until he shows her otherwise by continuing consistent communication and scheduling proper/regular dates. You can open a conversation with him or sit back and observe how he behaves toward you now for a bit and then go by the writing on the wall and not risk "coming off as crazy". If you really, really like the guy, go ahead and have a conversation but frame it as a statement from you about what you are looking for for yourself and see if he's wanting to explore that possibility with you and then continue to observe. 1
smackie9 Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 If you sit back and be cool and casual about it, he going to think "it's just casual" and leave it at that. Just my two cents but, why date someone who has limited time and lives over an hour away? To me, even if it's just dating, this would be a deal breaker. If it goes past the second date, I would like to see them more than once a week. 3
VeveCakes Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I guess I just want to know if we are on the same page with things. I want to make sure that if he is dating others, then they are just casual and figuring things out. Not that they are serious and I'm just the other woman kind of thing. Honestly, if FB didn't exist then I would be pretty darn happy with everything right now. But I just have to talk with him and I hate these kind of conversations cause...but that's all that can be done to figure it all out. I guess I just came on here for that extra push in doing what I already knew I needed to do. Why can't anyone just magically tell me my future?! Ha, ha. I used to be like this...it gets you no where but wasted time. The longer you wait for fear of reaction from him, the more time you waste. If asking him "what do you think about us" scares him away, then you have your answer. 3
kendahke Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 (edited) I don't think having sex is the rushing things. It is rushing things when, after the fact, you're stressing over his interactions with women he's known far longer than he's known you. If all this was about was you getting an itch scratched, then yeah, you'd be right. But you clearly said: I’m afraid that maybe he is closer to one of them than me. I don’t want to waste my time getting closer and closer to him while he actually with someone else. I want to ask him about it, but I don’t want to seem like a psycho, possessive kind of person, especially when all I have to go on is what I’ve seen on stupid FB. I understand the not wanting to rush things... I just don't want to look like an idiot or possibly the other woman to one of those girls. and all of this puts "I don't think having sex is rushing things" to the lie. You're in the middle of a minefield and are afraid of where you place your next step lest your foot be blown off. Having a talk with him before having sex with him about his intentions or how your plans comport with his would be you having a map for where the landmines are located so you can avoid unnecessary damage to yourself. You cannot sex a man into a relationship he has no intention on being in. All you'll end up doing is playing yourself out. Edited January 26, 2017 by kendahke 3
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I guess I just want to know if we are on the same page with things. I want to make sure that if he is dating others, then they are just casual and figuring things out. Not that they are serious and I'm just the other woman kind of thing. Honestly, if FB didn't exist then I would be pretty darn happy with everything right now. But I just have to talk with him and I hate these kind of conversations cause...but that's all that can be done to figure it all out. I guess I just came on here for that extra push in doing what I already knew I needed to do. Why can't anyone just magically tell me my future?! Ha, ha. There is not exclusive and There is exclusive There is no in-between. It's like you don't want him to date others but you don't want to be exclusive either. That place does not exist. Being exclusive does not mean introducing him to your mother either. It just means we only date each other for a while and decide to quit or to make it gf-bf. 1
Author newsbug Posted January 27, 2017 Author Posted January 27, 2017 There is no in-between. It's like you don't want him to date others but you don't want to be exclusive either. That place does not exist. You're right. We had the conversation last night and we are not exclusive right now. We both agree that we are just too new and are still figuring each other out, but he did tell me he was dating me with the hopes of becoming exclusive. I feel better knowing all of the cards are out on the table, but I still have a little feeling thinking this isn't going to work out, which makes me think I should just end it now...but I'm curious enough to give it a little longer and see how it plays out. I'm still not 100% sure what I think or feel about him, so I don't think it's fair for me to tell him he can't date others when I'm not all the way in either. Add in the long distance and the little time to see each other...I just think it will fizzle before too long. But at least now both of us know what's going on with each other. 1
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