Unhealthy relationship, yelling, lying, tinder, snapchat

[strawb1207]

I have had a boyfriend for the past year. He has lived with me for the past 6 months. He moved 400 miles in order to live with me. I bring that up to show how serious that I believed he was about me. Not to mention the fact we have known each other since high school and have a friendship history.

 

We started a relationship at a bad time for me. Which I warned him about, and was the reason that I fought dating him in the beginning. I just went through a divorce and was admittedly not done grieving that situation. I had also just lost 2 very close family members one right after the other (my grandparents, who I considered my own parents). I knew I would be grieving for a while and expressed that I needed time alone. But long story short... my mind changed and we have it a shot. It was long distance for about 6 months before he moved down. I went through the lowest of the low this past year.. very much depressed. I am sure it felt like being on a roller coaster to him. And I felt very guilty about that and would apologize for each and every mood swing and explain I was just depressed and it was personal. He claimed to understand and be very supportive. I thought "this is too good to be true" and "he is dealing with so many emotions and handling it all so well" and "how did I ever get so lucky to have someone do selfless who truly loves unconditionally".

 

Then October came around. I had his phone in my purse at a wedding and I went into the bathroom and found it. I thought "I will take a cute pic for him, and he will find it later, wouldn't that be sweet". So I did. When I went to look at the photo I had just taken... I found a video of a naked woman showering... and the camera man was none other than my boyfriend. He was filming her shower and praising her body (not that this is even relevant but the woman was NOT attractive at all). I was absolutely appalled. This turned into a massive fight in which I packed all his crap and piled it in the living room. His initial reaction was silence... and then tried to tell me this woman had gotten naked at a party and he was taking her video "as a joke". First of all, that's a sick joke. Who does that? And that is also not at all how the video seemed. He seemed into it. Then his next defense was to start casting blame on me. He claimed he found "an inappropriate video" on my phone and that I have been unfaithful etc. Which I have not. So pressed and pressed for him to tell me what he was referring to. And asking how in the world is that fair to hold on to something like that, and how convenient it is to bring this up when he needs a defense. The whole thing seems very shady and like nothing more than deflection. To this day, I still have never been informed what he is referring to as far as this horrible video goes. That alone is messed up. If you have an issue in a relationship, you address it. You don't hold it over someone or hang on to that until you need it. And just the fact he wont tell me what this video was... I don't think it even exists. I have racked my brains trying to think of anything at all it could possibly be. Thinking maybe he somehow found a video from before we got together. I can't come up with anything. Not even a guess.

 

Anyways, after all that, we stayed together.

 

Now fast forward to a couple weeks ago... Jan 12th. He leaves his phone at home. I decide to check out who he follows on snapchat, because he claims he follows models/celebrities (naked pics) and I was just curious to see who and what it was he found attractive. What I ended up finding instead was an ACTIVE TINDER ACCOUNT. I looked through the messages to be sure that it wasn't old. He has been contacting girls on Tinder via messaging since ONE MONTH into our relationship, with the most recent message being sent only 3 days prior. So the entire time, while he was still living in his home town, and after moving down and in with me, he has been messaging girls on Tinder. All the messages are "innocent" enough but there is intent. We all know what Tinder is. He tried to tell me that he was looking to "network" and "meet new people in the area". Tinder is a dating / hook up app. He was only messaging females and NEVER ONCE mentioning he was looking for friends nor that he had a girlfriend. Am I supposed to believe this? I also found many many many screen shots of naked girls that he has saved from snapchat.

 

And then again, just like the first time, when he is caught with something... he deflects on to me and tell me that I was unfaithful first (referring to that mystery video) and that he got on Tinder because I was unfaithful. Which time-wise, doesn't even add up in this story he has created. He claims he found that "video" in April. And he was on tinder in February.

 

I don't want to believe this person is a pathological liar or a narcissist. But I am really feeling backed into a corner. He is still living with me and even just this morning he said "I don't understand why any of this is happening or why you are mad". Really? What can I even say to that?

 

Can anyone offer their opinion? I have more details that need to be stated... but I am at work and just want to get this ball rolling. I am so blown away by all this.

 

PS: This man SCREAMS everything he says to me when we "talk". And he interrupts me and does not let me get a word in. I feel bullied and even though he has done become physical... I feel uncomfortable at home. I slept with the bedroom door locked last night. This feels so immature, and so crazy, I have never been in this position. I was with my ex husband for a decade and we never once raised our voices to one another. Never. But I have to respond by yelling with this guy or I would literally never get a word in. At this point though now.. I have quit... simply because I have given up. I just let him rant now. I am no longer willing to talk/fight and I think that's making him act crazier. I have suspicions that he is a possible sex addict as well. I will have to explain that further later... I don't know it for sure. There are just a lot of signs.

 

I feel guilty about my depression and how I have not always been the best gf due to that (low energy, mood swings, snapping at him for little things like cleaning etc). But I don't feel like I deserve all of this regardless. I am a a person who feels extreme guilt, even some times when I should not. It's just the way I am. So I am beating myself up over him having to witness me at my darkest time, and thinking maybe I lead him to act this way. Logic tells me that's not true. But my guilty nature makes me wonder and feel bad.

[Popsicle]

It seems like you don't really start getting to know someone, the real them, until you've been dating and spending time with them in person for about 6 months. Sadly, by that time most are invested and attached, but you don't really start seeing the real deal until then.

 

Tell him "I'm sorry but you have to move out. This relstiinship is not working for me". (Yes he's a cheat)

 

Maybe after this he will learn not to move in with someone so quickly.

[Larryville]

He moved 400 miles in order to live with me.

fact we have known each other since high school and have a friendship history.

We started a relationship at a bad time for me.

Which I warned him about, and was the reason that I fought dating him in the beginning.

I just went through a divorce

and was admittedly not done grieving that situation. I had also just

lost 2 very close family members one right after the other

I went through the lowest of the low this past year.. very much depressed.

He claimed to understand and be very supportive. I thought "this is too good to be true" and "he is dealing with so many emotions and handling it all so well" and "how did I ever get so lucky to have someone do selfless who truly loves unconditionally".

I found a video of a naked woman showering... and the camera man was none other than my boyfriend.

I was absolutely appalled. This turned into a massive fight in which I packed all his crap and piled it in the living room. His initial reaction was silence... and then tried to tell me this woman had gotten naked at a party and he was taking her video "as a joke".

First of all, that's a sick joke.

Then his next defense was to start casting blame on me.

He claimed he found "an inappropriate video" on my phone and that I have been unfaithful etc.

You don't hold it over someone or hang on to that until you need it.

Anyways, after all that, we stayed together.

What I ended up finding instead was an ACTIVE TINDER ACCOUNT.

I looked through the messages to be sure that it wasn't old. He has been contacting girls on Tinder via messaging since ONE MONTH into our relationship, with the most recent message being sent only 3 days prior.

I don't want to believe this person is a pathological liar or a narcissist.

This man SCREAMS everything he says to me when we "talk".

And he interrupts me and does not let me get a word in. I feel bullied

and even though he has done become physical... I feel uncomfortable at home. I slept with the bedroom door locked last night. This feels so immature, and so crazy.

 

Just a quick thing, I suspect moving in with you provided him some home and financial stability and had NOTHING to do with his commitment.

 

You feel uncomfortable in YOUR home. He is a freaking liar and a cheat and pathological unless I’m missing something.

 

If he was indeed a "friend" and treated you in such a disrespectful manner you clearly missed something or he did a great job hiding his true self.

 

This goes into the easy pile, kick his @$$ out and regroup mentally and emotionally and don’t feel guilty get empowered quickly.

[Frozensushi]

athological liar or a narcissist. But I am really feeling backed into a corner. He is still living with me and even just this morning he said "I don't understand why any of this is happening or why you are mad". Really? What can I even say to that?

 

If this had happened to me and my SO said that to me. I would immediately tell them to 'GTFO!!'.

 

Either he's playing you (which he most certainly is) or he's dumber than a bucket of rocks (which he most certainly is too).

 

... and then tried to tell me this woman had gotten naked at a party and he was taking her video "as a joke".

 

What the hell? You find evidence of him cheating on you, he turns it around on you and you stay with him after that? I don't mean to insult you but this situation is absurd. It's ridiculous. You absolutely have no boundaries what so ever. Also .....

I feel guilty about my depression and how I have not always been the best gf due to that

.. lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, and integrity. C'mon girl, what the heck? Why are you making excuses for this POS? True love is overcoming adversity and being able to see it through together. It's not a 'Get out of jail free' card.

 

OMG, seek a therapist ASAP. You obviously have some major issues causing you to think this way which in turn allow you to be emotionally abused and manipulated by this Egomaniac.

[Jj66]

Amazing. This guys needs to be gone 5 months ago. Do you have the will to do what's right for you?

[junebug1]

I don't trust his excuses either, and I fully support you hightailing it out of there, or even doing so back in October. Two other points though - the moving 400 miles to be with you and the sex addiction suspicions.

 

It does seem like he had to rly care for you to move, but I agree with another poster, how there could have been other motivations he had in addition to his feelings for you (a change, a new leaf, companionship, certainty/stability, maybe some hope that this would be a cure or fix for any issues he was having, getting on the right track).

 

Those are just possibilities. And I don't think any of that necessarily means his feelings for you arent true. Especially because before you even mentioned the possibility of a sex addiction, it already popped into my head. If he is addicted, he's probably ashamed and also ashamed in front of you about it. I think that can really accentuate his defensiveness and feeling like he has to lie and stick to his lies no matter how silly. I dont know him, so I'm not saying he wouldn't be defensive or lie even without a possible addiction. But I think it just complicates things and makes it harder to figure out truths and whats going on. I want to be clear that if he is not addicted, then I don't see any excuse for his behavior.

 

But if your suspicions of sex addiction are right, it *might* be something to try to sensitively bring up. Especially if you think he can overcome it and it's worth it to you in the relationship to work on. I don't know if I would advise leaving or staying. But if you bring it up, I'm not sure how you would do so. I'm a bit wary of how he would react and if he would be ready to face it, especially from someone else. Maybe.. asking him if he feels like anything is missing in the relationship, or if he's not satisfied sexually? Or just unhappy about something? Not because I think you are doing anything wrong, AT ALL. If you leave him now and never look back, I would be completely supportive. 100%. My wording is keeping in mind how defensive he is (to the point of denial and lies and blame shifting and screaming). I feel like starting with a really gentle no-blame question about his needs might be good way to ease into it. Because he could just shut down. I really dont have the experience though, so please take this with a grain of salt. I don't know if it's something to "butt into," because it would be a really private/personal thing for him, and I don't know what good it would do you or him. but I wonder if it's something you would want to do, since even before being significant others, you started out as friends. If he really does have an addiction, he might need help getting help. And you probably have better insight than anyone else in his life in terms of his behavior with it. Sometimes this stuff blows up in your face though, because they either don't want to hear it, don't want advice, etc., so again, grain of salt. It might help to look up causes of sex addiction (if he has it) to understand better how to approach (if you approach).

 

To re-emphasize, 100% support if you leave, because clearly his behavior is in the wrong in every way towards you (video, tinder, apps, denial, lies, blame shifting, screaming, etc.). And you *told* him what he was getting into and he *chose* to jump into the relationship with you. So even though you logically know this already, it's not your fault. He can make his own choices. He is responsible for himself. He is his own person, you are not his guardian or his keeper. You know all this, but I hope it still helps take away any undeserved guilt you feel.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

If a friend of yours wrote your message you know you'd tell her she's worth more than that and to leave. Treat yourself to that advice. You are worth too much to accept being treated that way. Leave.

[strawb1207]

First of all, I very much appreciate those who took the time to read this.. and then to respond. Your opinions mean a lot to me.

 

Now that I have some more time, I will elaborate some. Also, we had a talk last night that was, in fact, and actual talk. Which I did not expect at all. He did not yell, and he owned up to a lot, and FINALLY explained some of these mystery suspicions that he withheld for so long.

 

Here are some of the points that he made.. that I left out in my first post.. that are worthy of mention so you have a more well-rounded, less one-sided, picture.

 

In the beginning, yes, I did fight dating due to the fact I needed time to heal from other recent events (divorce, deaths etc). But once I was on board... I was fully on board. In fact he reminded me that it was me telling him to hurry up and come down. He has stated he wanted to stay up there a while longer and continue to make money. He did mention concerns regarding him not being able to provide much financially as he would be starting the nursing program which is time consuming and only allows for a part-time job. I knew and agreed to this. He claims that I wanted him down here badly and I suggested a solution to every concern he had (his car not being great, i said he could use mine... us having tolls here in my area, i said he could use my epass... paying rent, I said he didnt have to). I do believe I said all of these things. But he says not long after being here, all that changed. I didn't want him using my car after all, and I brought up him possibly paying some rent. I can't dent these things. Essentially he says he felt a bit deceived because I had said all those things, only to take them back once he was here.

 

The mystery video he found was somewhat brought to light, although what he claimed is not true. What I think actually happened is that he found an old video of a guy I briefly dated prior to him. How that was still on my phone, I don't know. Because I know I deleted all of that guy's pics/vids. I do recall one day discovering them on my phone again on my own.. and wondering how that was possible. DO you think it's possible he recovered it somehow? Anyways, the point of this video being brought up... he believes that this video is of a friend that I have... and that I received this video while dating him. I have never received ANY personal graphic videos from this friend he is talking about.. and that is why I think he found an old video of someone else. I plan to further explore this with him eventually as I would like to know if that's what he is referring to. So from his point of view... all this time... I was talking to a friend inappropriately and received this graphic video from him. So right there.. he believed that I had cheated. Instead of talking to me about this... he didnt. This only ever came up months later in October when I found the video HE took on his phone of the girl in the shower. The way I see this is... if you have a problem.. and you dont address it.. and you carry on like nothing happened.. you are essentially accepting that. You cannot just bring it up when you need a defense.

 

Next point, and why I brought up depression before, from his end... I was taking out my depression on him. At night, at home, I would be all lovey and we would have a great night together. Come morning, at work, I would text him all kinds of issues that were bothering me with him. Usually it was chore related or telling him things that were bothering me. Another thing I was actively doing and I cannot deny, was comparing him to the ex. In a negative manner. I was admittedly not over my divorce. Which I told him. But to make matter worse, I would talk highly of my ex. "he used to do this" "He used to take care of that" and then proceed to talk to him like he wasnt doing those things or did those things wrong. Basically making my ex sound great and him like a POS. I eventually recognized this issue, and quit.

 

He admitted that his mess up was not communicating with me about his suspicions. What he did do instead.. was assume that I was "disrespecting the relationship" and not taking it seriously.. and then he proceeded to do the same. He attempted to bring up some of these issues as they happened, but he was so vague and withholding that it was virtually pointless. I feel I was left in the dark as to his suspicions and concerns about infidelity. Had he talked to me.. we could and should have resolved a lot of this long ago. Especially because he was so upset about this video.. and wrong about it.

 

He says that he never once met up with any of the women on Tinder. He admitted that he was constantly afraid that the relationship was about to end (and I cant deny that I didn't feel the same way) but that he chose to use tinder to network and at least "know" some people in the event things were downhill... as a "back up" so to speak bc he was thinking we were a sinking ship. While I believe this is obviously wrong to do, I do believe he didn't actually meet/hook up with anyone.

 

The pictures on his phone are the hardest to explain. And that is the tough part where.. if we even got to that point... I would want to bring up whether or not he had a porn/sex addiction issue. I have actually softly brought this up and he did not say yes or no. He kind of laughed almost and said "I mean, what would you even do about something like that?". Which to me... is admitting it's possible. I didn't press that issue in that moment.

 

I just wanted to give "his side" a little bit now that he has actually clued me in to some of that. I knew that I had this guy on a roller coaster, always wondering if/when I was going to just end things. But hearing him explain it and remind me of some of the events that I had forgotten... yes.. I am sure I made this guy feel unloved, unwanted, and like an annoyance. When he first moved in, I had become used to being alone and I made that known. I was not nice about it. I told him I felt I was bring invaded. Mind you, after begging him to come down. Perhaps I idealized the situation and... well.. you know how that goes. This is where my guilt comes from.

 

But the bottom line is... he always acted like he understood, he was supportive, and that things were good between us.. even when I was acting crazy/depressed/anxiety ridden. But he was withholding some massive issues. Resentment was clearly building and he was not doing anything about it . Not clueing me in. I would ask him all the time... why he loved me even tho I acted so bipolar. He would reassure me he loved me unconditional and understood.

 

I will not stand for yelling any longer. I never should have. It was my first experience with someone like this. I yelled back. Poor choice. I should have refused to engage when he was in that mode. I truly don't think he sees the yelling from my point of view. It's normal in his family. That's what he knows. But I don't care. It makes me feel defensive and even scared at times. He does not understand that. He did not yell at all last night, so I know he is capable of controlling himself when he wants to.