lounat Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) I know talking will probably not miraculously make everything better for me at this moment. But I've been killing myself over the questions I have in my head. So I guess this can be my outlet. I'm a lesbian and I was dating my ex for almost 2 years. We loved each other very much. She ended it last September when her conservative family found out. The family wasn't very nice to her; beat her and screamed at her (I hope she was telling me the truth cause I was not there). I didn't want to end it because I thought we could work things out. Move somewhere or something. But she said it's better to be separated for now. So I respected her decision and went on nursing my broken heart. I tried NC several times but she kept coming back with I love you messages and invited me to her show (she's a local singer). So of course, I was hopeful, thinking that she might have finally figured out how to make things work with me. It wasn't easy for me, sometimes I felt like she was using me and sometimes I felt like she was genuinely trying to get back together. Basically, she was being hot and cold for the past 3 months. I even asked if there was someone else, and she said no every time. She started making excuses when I asked her out in December 2016. So I left her alone again. On new year's day, I wished her a happy new year. She replied with "Happy new year my love, please remember that no matter what I will always love you". I asked her out a week later, for breakfast. She kissed me goodbye every time I sent her home throughout this hot and cold period. Sometimes passionately. 2 weeks ago, I found out she was having trouble with her cellphone. So me being the very helpful/ foolish person, decided to help her out and find a new phone. When I wanted to meet her, she said that she can't accept my help and that I don't even know what she has been doing behind my back. So I said don't play games with me. If you want me to leave you alone and if there's someone else, just tell me. I'm so tired of your games. She said that she wasn't playing games and that yes there was another guy. I asked how long has it been going on? and she said few weeks, maybe a month. I was shocked and this threw me back to square one. I still went on to meet her because I wanted to have a proper goodbye and not to remember her as a cold text. She cried so much that night, I did too. Then she said "You are going to hate me soon". I had no idea what she was on about. I was still processing the fact that we were really over and that there is a new guy. I asked why would I hate you? she didn't answer. So I left it there and we said our goodbyes. A week later which was last week, I saw people congratulating her on facebook about an engagement. My heart stopped for a moment. So many questions flooded my mind; when was this planned? why didn't she tell me? who is the guy? is this arranged by the family? etc. I decided to ask her, so I texted her "Are you getting engaged?" ..she didn't reply for a while and I asked again "Are you? Just answer me" then she replied "yes I am :(" I asked "Why didn't you tell me?" she said "Why didn't I tell you? I am not strong enough to do that" I asked "With whom?" She replied "Why do you want to know? why? I don't want to talk about this" And she didn't reply any of my other messages till today. I know after knowing that there is a new guy, I should work on moving on and forget everything. Don't get me wrong, I am working on that. But what I don't understand is how she could make such a drastic decision in such a short period of time. Also kind of leading me on at the same time. To make such a big decision just a few months after an emotional break up is just shocking to me. I don't know how to process this properly. It hurts so much. It also kills me to not know who this guy is. The one I was so quickly replaced by. Edited January 25, 2017 by lounat 1
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Delete her off all social media and block her. She's chosen to live a lie, if she is really a lesbian then marrying a guy (for her parents sake) is a big mistake. Or, is it possible she's bi? Has she had other women before you? Wondering if she fell for you as a person not gender based and now she likes someone who happens to be a man. Anyway, this is unhealthy for you to be in contact with her. She uses you, treats you like crap but still relies on you to make her feel secure and good, though she isn't really a friend to you at all. She hurts you and makes you feel sad. That's not nice. Please walk away. Closure comes within. You did nothing wrong, she's the one who loses out on a great person with a kind heart. Sorry you're hurting. 4
Sweetfish Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 My guess... just a guess...she is marrying the closet thing that she finds. She is doing it to escape the claws of the relationship and the marriage wont last.. Your in a really bad position and i think you should go NC and avoid her 100% Its going to hurt... but what other REAL options do you have. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Sorry this has happened, OP. I can understand why you're hurt. I would bet any money she's known this guy a lot longer than she's letting on. You mentioned her parents were very conservative and don't approve of a same-sex relationship - so I gather you never met them? I ask because it might have been rather easy for her to lead a double life to some degree. Another question, how old are the both of you? She sounds immature, to be honest. She couldn't handle being upfront with you and let you find out about her engagement via social media. That indicates to me she isn't very emotionally intelligent, which could be related to her age. That is no excuse for this type of behaviour, but I would not be surprised to learn that she is on the young side and has a lot of growing up to do. You really need to cut her out of your life. Don't let yourself be strung along anymore. You just saw what she is capable of and that should keep you motivated to stay away when you feel lonely or sad about her. She's not someone you want in your life. 3
Sweetfish Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 My guess... just a guess...she is marrying the closet thing that she finds. She is doing it to escape the claws of the relationship and the marriage wont last.. Your in a really bad position and i think you should go NC and avoid her 100% Its going to hurt... but what other REAL options do you have. Btw i met the to escape the parents... not the relationship
Author lounat Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Delete her off all social media and block her. She's chosen to live a lie, if she is really a lesbian then marrying a guy (for her parents sake) is a big mistake. Or, is it possible she's bi? Has she had other women before you? Wondering if she fell for you as a person not gender based and now she likes someone who happens to be a man. Anyway, this is unhealthy for you to be in contact with her. She uses you, treats you like crap but still relies on you to make her feel secure and good, though she isn't really a friend to you at all. She hurts you and makes you feel sad. That's not nice. Please walk away. Closure comes within. You did nothing wrong, she's the one who loses out on a great person with a kind heart. Sorry you're hurting. Yes she is bi and has dated both men and women. This is my first serious relationship. It's terrible that it had to end this way. Kinda like a crash course for me. I was just trying to get over the break up then came the new guy and the engagement. Bam bam bam.
Author lounat Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 My guess... just a guess...she is marrying the closet thing that she finds. She is doing it to escape the claws of the relationship and the marriage wont last.. Your in a really bad position and i think you should go NC and avoid her 100% Its going to hurt... but what other REAL options do you have. Could be one of the possibilities. But what's the rush. Such a twisted way to move on.
Author lounat Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Sorry this has happened, OP. I can understand why you're hurt. I would bet any money she's known this guy a lot longer than she's letting on. You mentioned her parents were very conservative and don't approve of a same-sex relationship - so I gather you never met them? I ask because it might have been rather easy for her to lead a double life to some degree. Another question, how old are the both of you? She sounds immature, to be honest. She couldn't handle being upfront with you and let you find out about her engagement via social media. That indicates to me she isn't very emotionally intelligent, which could be related to her age. That is no excuse for this type of behaviour, but I would not be surprised to learn that she is on the young side and has a lot of growing up to do. You really need to cut her out of your life. Don't let yourself be strung along anymore. You just saw what she is capable of and that should keep you motivated to stay away when you feel lonely or sad about her. She's not someone you want in your life. I have met the family twice during festive seasons. But I acted like only a close friend. I'm 28 and she's turning 25 a day after her engagement.
Author lounat Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Thanks for replying guys ^^ it's good to see this from other people's perspective because I know I was blinded by my feelings and sort of in denial. Looking back, I can see that she never really appreciated the things I did for her. Maybe these are the things she will realize later on in life, after some much needed growing up (you're right ExpatinItaly). I'm so disappointed with the way she treated me. Further amplifying the hurt. I gave her my best and she chose someone else without much hesitation. She turned into someone I don't know in such a short period of time. It's scary. Some days are fine when I am hanging out with friends but once I'm back to being alone, I start to question every single thing again. Analyzing every thing. I wrote her a long message the day after I found out. I thought hey, if you don't wanna say anything then I'll say what I have to say and leave it at that. You won't hear from me again. I wished her all the best and said I hope she's happy with her choices. No regrets on my part. I'm doing the full NC. I'm taking a break from Facebook too. One day at a time I guess.
Author lounat Posted February 6, 2017 Author Posted February 6, 2017 (edited) UPDATE. A close friend of mine informed me that the guy is my ex's band mate. They've been working together for a year. Hah. I have ignored so many signs and have been fooled so many times. I trusted her and that old man (20 yrs older than her)...the universe is really testing me on this. Edited February 6, 2017 by lounat
Miss Spider Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 This is so sad...She was cheating? I'm sorry this happened.
Author lounat Posted February 6, 2017 Author Posted February 6, 2017 This is so sad...She was cheating? I'm sorry this happened. She wouldn't come clean with me and is not talking to me anymore. But looking back, she spent more time with the guy and I wouldn't be surprised if they started things with each other way earlier. I spent nights worrying about her getting home from work when she was away (I would only see her on weekends), but she was probably having a blast with that guy while I was having trouble sleeping. I made sure she had enough money for food & transport, I made sure she took her vitamins cause she works late etc. Amazing what people can do when you put so much trust in them. Such a great liar & so cruel. Bled me dry.
Sweetfish Posted February 6, 2017 Posted February 6, 2017 UPDATE. A close friend of mine informed me that the guy is my ex's band mate. They've been working together for a year. Hah. I have ignored so many signs and have been fooled so many times. I trusted her and that old man (20 yrs older than her)...the universe is really testing me on this. She wouldn't come clean with me and is not talking to me anymore. But looking back, she spent more time with the guy and I wouldn't be surprised if they started things with each other way earlier. I spent nights worrying about her getting home from work when she was away (I would only see her on weekends), but she was probably having a blast with that guy while I was having trouble sleeping. I made sure she had enough money for food & transport, I made sure she took her vitamins cause she works late etc. Amazing what people can do when you put so much trust in them. Such a great liar & so cruel. Bled me dry. Sounds like you were gas lighted and manipulated. Cut your loses completely. Im sorry, but its not fair to you. 1
Author lounat Posted February 6, 2017 Author Posted February 6, 2017 Sounds like you were gas lighted and manipulated. Cut your loses completely. Im sorry, but its not fair to you. Gaslighted indeed.
mystificatecg Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 Honestly though if she is 20 years younger that relationship is gonna run its course rather quickly. Imagine her at 55 and him at 75, assuming he makes it. She is setting herself up for a lonelyend to her life. :/
Author lounat Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 Honestly though if she is 20 years younger that relationship is gonna run its course rather quickly. Imagine her at 55 and him at 75, assuming he makes it. She is setting herself up for a lonelyend to her life. :/ I don't know. But I do know that she is impulsive. Funny thing is I never expected anything to happen between them because I've always thought he treated her like a daughter. My mistake hahah I gotta be careful with where I put my trust next time.
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