1Jessie86 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I'm 30, dating and am not currently having sex with either of the men I'm dating. The topic of sex has come up and I've vocalized that I'm not ready. Why does the question, do you want to spend the night, keep coming up? Could it be he actually enjoys my company or is it for the easy access? How do I know? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I guess it depends on how many dates you've been on, and if you feel like he is truly serious. Best thing to do is let them know you're not ready yet -- if they're interested in just sex, they will either bail or keep pressuring you. If they're interested in you, they will be more patient. However most guys interested in only sex won't hold out for too long. So after the 3rd date you're probably safe for the most part. Keep in mind giving a guy sex doesn't obligate them to being your boyfriend. Usually people go on at least 5-6 dates or more before exclusivity comes up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I'm 30, dating and am not currently having sex with either of the men I'm dating. The topic of sex has come up and I've vocalized that I'm not ready. Why does the question, do you want to spend the night, keep coming up? Could it be he actually enjoys my company or is it for the easy access? How do I know? Whether genuinely interested or not, it's about sex! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Whether genuinely interested or not, it's about sex! Sex and nothing less. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 It's sex or the hope of sex. Who over the age of 10 "wants" a fun sleepover with a movie and maybe one cuddle? Yaaay! Nope. Obviously, me + you + oh wow...look...here's a bed! + we're not in elementary school = oh, so anyway, while we're here...... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I'm sorry. Isn't it normal for a man to want sex (never mind women)? My ex and I had sex on our third date. Obviously he wanted sex, but not to the detriment to everything else. He also wanted a relationship, as evidenced by the fact that we were together for a year. The two need not be mutually exclusive all the time. A normal, relationship-minded man will still want to get laid. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I'm sorry. Isn't it normal for a man to want sex (never mind women)? My ex and I had sex on our third date. Obviously he wanted sex, but not to the detriment to everything else. He also wanted a relationship, as evidenced by the fact that we were together for a year. The two need not be mutually exclusive all the time. A normal, relationship-minded man will still want to get laid. I think what the OP is questioning is that she has *told* this guy she is not ready for sex, yet he is asking her to spend the night anyway. Yes, most romantic adult relationships will include sex eventually. That's normal, sure. Hearing someone say "no" yet trying to coax her to come "sleep over" anyway is perhaps less "normal." Or at least, less adult. Unless this guy legitimately wants a sleepover, with a Goosebumps movie and Silly String and everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 It can actually be nice to sleep with someone even when you don't have sex. But when you sleep over things tend to happen even when you don't intend it. They know this. They are hoping for sex. After spending the day with a potential LDR woman, I asked if I should get a hotel room for myself. She said no, you sleep in my bed and I will sleep on the couch. She told me up front that we were not going to have sex. I said ok, that's fine but I didn't really believe her because of the way she had kissed me back earlier that day. We started kissing again and and after awhile she told me, we are not going to be having sex. I'm not one of those women who says no and the changes her mind. I said, I understand. We did not stop kissing though. I knew right then that I was going to get laid. She wasn't actually saying no, she was trying to talk herself out of it. Then after a little while her hand wandered to my groin and then she asked me if I had brought condoms. Yes I have some in my suitcase. I'll get them. We had repeated sex for hours. We were together for just over a year. I fully believe that when she asked me to sleep over that she thought she wasn't going to have sex with me. I would have been perfectly ok with that. I did nothing to pressure her but the sexual tension between us was very high. She played with fire by making out with me and then changed her mind about what she wanted. This type of thing happens so often that you can anticipate almost exactly how it's going to play out. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Why does it come up? I think it depends a lot on how many dates you've been on with him, over how long a time. Most people seem to have sex after 1 to 6 dates - some hold out longer for a variety of reasons, of course. If you've had 4 or 5 dates and no sex, he may be wondering if a) you're into him; b) you're sexually dysfunctional or incompatible. From my personal perspective, if two months have gone by, I'd be certain we're incompatible and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I'm 30, dating and am not currently having sex with either of the men I'm dating. The topic of sex has come up and I've vocalized that I'm not ready. Why does the question, do you want to spend the night, keep coming up? Could it be he actually enjoys my company or is it for the easy access? How do I know? Because even if you don't want sex they still do and that's why they keep asking you to spend the night. If you don't want men interested in sex just stop dating because they will want it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I'd say that it's 100% about sex. Unless there is some mitigating circumstance, like you guys live more than an hour away from one another or have plans first thing the next morning. Even then it's still probably about sex. Don't blame your date for wanting to have sex with you, he's supposed to. Just try to figure out if that is all he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Just try to figure out if that is all he wants… I've vocalized that I'm not ready. not currently having sex with either of the men I'm dating. Ok so tell these dudes you are not having sex for the foreseeable future and let them know if it keeps coming up you will dump one or the other. If you are hot, dress and behave in a way that is arousing to these dudes you can’t be all that bothered by the question keep getting asked. Isn't it normal for a man to want sex Perfectly normal! You must like the attention and in some way turned on by the sexual tension. IF NOT something wrong with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Why would you even date someone that doesn't want to have sex with you? Are they being disingenuous and pretending that they aren't interested in sex? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frozensushi Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Because even if you don't want sex they still do and that's why they keep asking you to spend the night. If you don't want men interested in sex just stop dating because they will want it. This pretty much nails it. IMO, part of being in a relationship with someone is having a healthy sex life. I don't really want to waste months courting someone only to find out we are incompatible romantically. Personally, I start encouraging sex after a month. If after a month she's still playing hard to get, I usually walk. Yes, some men just want to get their jollies, but others like myself want to see if the chemistry is there. I dated a gal once who I really thought was an amazing person. After 2 months dating, she finally had sex with me. It was the worst. Then we did it again a few weeks later, again, just bad. It got to the point I was making up excuses not to have sex with her. "I have a headache"! Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 If do not want to have sex, I do not recommend sleeping in a man's house. It might be old school of me to say, but the reality is that it's way to easy to find yourself in a compromising situation, for things to not go as expected, for him not to be the gentleman you thought he was..... If you are trying to set that boundary, "sleeping over" will most likely stretch it, or at the best least send some mixed signals. That said, I have never been the waiting sort, and I slept with my husband on our second date - yes he wanted sex, and I wanted sex, and we wanted a relationship as well. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I'm sorry. Isn't it normal for a man to want sex (never mind women)? My ex and I had sex on our third date. Obviously he wanted sex, but not to the detriment to everything else. He also wanted a relationship, as evidenced by the fact that we were together for a year. The two need not be mutually exclusive all the time. A normal, relationship-minded man will still want to get laid. ^ The bolded is so true. And by the way - same statement applies to women! I have no idea where the whole notion that women 'give' sex to men came from? I've shared before - all my relationships started with sex within the first 3-4 dates, and all of them were long-term. The only issue that I have had with sex too early is actually that it set the ground fr long-term relationships with inappropriate partners. But it will probably happen without the sex anyway. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Alamo657 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I'm 30, dating and am not currently having sex with either of the men I'm dating. The topic of sex has come up and I've vocalized that I'm not ready. Why does the question, do you want to spend the night, keep coming up? Could it be he actually enjoys my company or is it for the easy access? How do I know? Men are not girl friends, they don't want to just talk and have fun, they want to have sex, that's what men and women do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Men are not girl friends, they don't want to just talk and have fun, they want to have sex, that's what men and women do. I'm not seeing where the OP said she never wants to have sex. Unless I missed it. "...they want to have sex" =/= "...therefore, be ready the minute they are...period." These are not two parts of the same person split in half. They are two entirely different individuals. They may not be on the same timeframe, and by the way, this can work both ways. It's not always the man who's "ready" earlier than the woman...probably (just observing here) more frequently, but not always. However, in THIS case, the man is ready earlier than the OP. That doesn't mean she wants a "relationship" where the two sit side by side for decades, talking about their latest shopping trip but never doing anything more than holding hands. I don't see how "men (or anyone, really) DO want sex, that's normal" equates to "...therefore, put out...now." There's nothing in between extremes here? How about, they do it when they're both ready (I know...novel) and if that's not "soon enough" for one of the two in question, that one is free to walk on that or any other basis? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VictoriaB Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 If do not want to have sex, I do not recommend sleeping in a man's house. It might be old school of me to say, but the reality is that it's way to easy to find yourself in a compromising situation, for things to not go as expected, for him not to be the gentleman you thought he was..... If you are trying to set that boundary, "sleeping over" will most likely stretch it, or at the best least send some mixed signals. That said, I have never been the waiting sort, and I slept with my husband on our second date - yes he wanted sex, and I wanted sex, and we wanted a relationship as well. Damn and I had sex the second date and he disappears....I'm so unlucky Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Sleeping together is part of the compatibility test to see if the relationship can go forward. Full on sex is the next step. It either happens all during the first time you sleep together or it can happen down the road a bit. My ex and I slept together after about 5 dates and didn't have intercourse til about a month in. Of course we did a lot of other stuff that helped build up the sexual tension. Nothing wrong with waiting a bit as long as plenty of foreplay is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Damn and I had sex the second date and he disappears....I'm so unlucky And there are a number of other guys I slept with on the second date and never married The two variables - when to have sex vs length of a relationship aren't really relate in my experience. What is MUCH MORE important is knowing what you want, what your boundaries are, knowing that you are respected, and how to read someone etc. Honestly, when I slept with my husband, initially I wasn't looking for anything more than a fling. I didn't want to be in a relationship really, I was busy "having fun" - but sometimes the right person enters your life when you least expect it. I didn't sleep with him because I wanted a relationship. I slept with him because I wanted to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I'm not seeing where the OP said she never wants to have sex. Unless I missed it. "...they want to have sex" =/= "...therefore, be ready the minute they are...period." These are not two parts of the same person split in half. They are two entirely different individuals. They may not be on the same timeframe, and by the way, this can work both ways. It's not always the man who's "ready" earlier than the woman...probably (just observing here) more frequently, but not always. However, in THIS case, the man is ready earlier than the OP. That doesn't mean she wants a "relationship" where the two sit side by side for decades, talking about their latest shopping trip but never doing anything more than holding hands. I don't see how "men (or anyone, really) DO want sex, that's normal" equates to "...therefore, put out...now." There's nothing in between extremes here? How about, they do it when they're both ready (I know...novel) and if that's not "soon enough" for one of the two in question, that one is free to walk on that or any other basis? I don't think anyone said she should feel obligated to have sex with them right now because they want to, whether she wants to. Just that sex is whats driving them to ask her for sleep overs, and there is nothing wrong with the fact that her dates want to have sex with her. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 I don't think anyone said she should feel obligated to have sex with them right now because they want to, whether she wants to. Just that sex is whats driving them to ask her for sleep overs, and there is nothing wrong with the fact that her dates want to have sex with her. ^ Right...and right (I agree with both of those, bolded above), BUT again...she has already told them she WON'T be having sex and therefore is wondering WHY they're asking for a sleepover anyway. IMO, you're right, there is nothing wrong with wanting sex, BUT also IMO, pushing for it against the person's wishes (according to her, she expressly stated, verbally, that she does not want to do this yet) isn't appropriate. It just isn't. I mean pretending you "just" want a slumber party, but trying for a feelsie anyway feels like middle school at best, serious inappropriate attempted boundary-crossing at worst. Once again: if the guy is turned off by this, then he doesn't have to go out on any more dates with her. This is really up to both of them, as at any time with dating. If the guy so needs to shtup her here and now that he's willing to fudge and pretend he just wants some weird sort of platonic sleep-over, all the while secretly planning to try to dive in anyway, I can't see how that's going to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 How do I know? You stay the night and don't have sex. If his interest in you wanes, then he wasn't interested in you just for your company. I've done it before for just cuddles. I like the company and intimacy of sleeping (literally) with someone I really like, and I suspect some men do too. It's not that difficult. Then again, I don't tell men" I'm not ready" or "I don't feel comfortable yet" unless I mean it. If he gets so frustrated he loses interest in you because he didn't get sex, especially after you told him you're not ready? I'd say that's his problem and he should invite someone else over next time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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