Bulls12nba Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 So I broke up with my ex around halloween, I was unhappy and she didn't care to make it better. We're both in our mid 20s if it matters Few weeks after I reached out and wanted to work on things she declined. Few weeks later I send her a quick email saying hi how are you she ignores me then few weeks before Xmas she responds so I respond and she ignores, so I'm done at this point and I start dating and working on myself Forward to last week I run into her sister's boyfriend at my college and we chit chat and I don't ask about her at all. And of course she emails me. Where's she's telling me thanks for a yoga mat I got her years ago and she's finally using it blah blah and I always gave her the best gifts and then she starts telling me how she's having a tough time works kicking her ass and she's gotta find a new apt because her roommate is leaving blah blah and she heard I'm in school and she's so happy about that I'm finishing my degree. And she heard I got a new dog and says she hopes I'm doing good and happy birthday. my birthday was few weeks ago. So me being an idiot I respond, oh I'm glad you're using the mat and you should ask if your apt building has a cheaper place for rent. My dogs great thanks text me sometime well catch up And she ignores me again, why is she emailing me only to ignore me?
marky00 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 So I broke up with my ex around halloween, I was unhappy and she didn't care to make it better. We're both in our mid 20s if it matters Few weeks after I reached out and wanted to work on things she declined. Few weeks later I send her a quick email saying hi how are you she ignores me then few weeks before Xmas she responds so I respond and she ignores, so I'm done at this point and I start dating and working on myself Forward to last week I run into her sister's boyfriend at my college and we chit chat and I don't ask about her at all. And of course she emails me. Where's she's telling me thanks for a yoga mat I got her years ago and she's finally using it blah blah and I always gave her the best gifts and then she starts telling me how she's having a tough time works kicking her ass and she's gotta find a new apt because her roommate is leaving blah blah and she heard I'm in school and she's so happy about that I'm finishing my degree. And she heard I got a new dog and says she hopes I'm doing good and happy birthday. my birthday was few weeks ago. So me being an idiot I respond, oh I'm glad you're using the mat and you should ask if your apt building has a cheaper place for rent. My dogs great thanks text me sometime well catch up And she ignores me again, why is she emailing me only to ignore me? The big question is, why did you dump someone and then try to get them back. I don't blame her for treating you badly. 1
Author Bulls12nba Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 I glossed over a lot of details it was mutual, she wanted it just didn't have the stomach to do it
marky00 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I glossed over a lot of details it was mutual, she wanted it just didn't have the stomach to do it yet you reached out after a mutual breakup?
Marc878 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 She just wanted to see if you'd bite. You did and that satisfied her. Now block everything and move on like you should have done in the first place. 1
Author Bulls12nba Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Right can't block anyone on Gmail unfortunately
jamili Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 If you read up enough on here you will see what she is doing has only happened 20 billion times, it's nothing unique or weird, its what they do. Basically it eases guilt, validates their reason for leaving you, boosts their ego, eases anxiety, shows them they still "have" you in the palm of their hand, etc. Basically just checking to make sure you are "beta" and thus the breakup was a smart move (to be real with you). So... stop responding and go full NC. I dont think you should block her like that one guy said... unless you want to close all channels of communication to snuff out any future reconciliation attempts... but that's up to you .
Author Bulls12nba Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 How is it beta to respond to an ex? She is the one who is emailing me I haven't said anything to her in months
whatdeww18 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) I think beta is used in terms of not showing your masculinity and being confident and all that for guys, honestly, it just reminds me of beta fish haha. However, jamili does talk about some of the psychology that goes on behind break ups. Essentially, it seems parts of the break up are starting to hit such as the fact that she may be losing you for good, and she may be feeling guilty about the break up. She reaches out to appease the missing you and feeling guilty part. Now that's out of the way, she can continue doing as she pleases. Now this is where I use what I read and advice from other people: Since she got what she needed, she doesn't have to rethink the break up and how much she misses you. What would be advised on here, if you are hoping for a reconciliation, is to completely disappear. Don't respond to the "how are you" texts. Furthermore, if she loves you and time has done it's thing where she can self-reflect and you have done that as well, there will come a point where her messages may reflect what you want to hear in terms of a reconciliation. You have to be the judge as to whether you believe it to be the ego or love talking. There are a number of threads where it was the ego, and the ex leaves again. There are some threads where it was love, and they both put in the work to make a happy relationship. Read around and use your judgement and the advice you get. The above is only what I could get from speculation and advice from others as I don't have all that much dating experience. Good luck! Wishing you the best! -WhatDEWWWWW Edited January 25, 2017 by whatdeww18
jamili Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 How is it beta to respond to an ex? She is the one who is emailing me I haven't said anything to her in months She knows she's still got you, or you wouldn't even care enough to respond. She knows its been a month and wanted to see if after that time you became strong and forgot about her, or weak and still care about her. Revealed too much, told her "txt me sometime we'll catch up, etc". You still care about her and she knows it. All wonder, curiosity and anxiety is dispelled.. so she can now move on from you. Ignoring completely is a sign of strength. A high value, confident male wouldn't give her an ounce of attention at this point - if she doesnt want to be with you then you dont have time for that **** - you feel me? Look i dont like it either but im just tellin it how it looks. Next time ignore and it will build her interest level, respect for you, attraction, and curiousity. Check out what Whatdeww said - its 100% spot on. 1
JS84 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 And she ignores me again, why is she emailing me only to ignore me? The answer you should be giving yourself is "Who cares?". The real question is why are you bothering to respond to her at all, only to complain when she doesn't? Try this. Stop responding to her period, and stop trying to psychoanalyze the actions of someone you're trying to move on from.
Ieris Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 And she ignores me again, why is she emailing me only to ignore me? Some people don't want you but still like to know they have you on the hook. These emails/messages from her is her way to check if you still are and every time you respond it just makes you look weak. You don't have to block her but definitely ignore her.
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Right can't block anyone on Gmail unfortunately Not true. Just google it. I found tons of sites showing how to block someone on gmail. No excuse now not to block her. Time to move on and go complete no contact with her. No point in staying in touch since she's not in your life and you two aren't friends.
fromheart Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) You ended it because she didn't make you happy and she didn't want to work on it. Its doubtful that she's changed too much in the past 6 months, her communication pattern is still the same. I'd ignore and keep moving on. As for your response being 'beta,' I'd adopt the attitude of who cares. Who cares what she thinks, you made a polite, non committal response in the same way you'd make to a friend or acquaintance. Alpha males are allowed to be polite, forced rudeness or ignoring someone can also be a sign of insecurity. Perfectly cool to bump into an ex and say, 'Hey how you doing? Good to see you/hear from you,give me a shout sometime...' and then get back to work, gym or your date. Edited January 25, 2017 by fromheart
Author Bulls12nba Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Thanks for the advice, oddly enough she picked the exact perfect time to reach out. I was just seeing another girl for almost a month and it ended the same day she emailed.
jamili Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Thanks for the advice, oddly enough she picked the exact perfect time to reach out. I was just seeing another girl for almost a month and it ended the same day she emailed. I believe they call that the "ex sixth sense", it's an interesting phenomenon
Author Bulls12nba Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 Not true. Just google it. I found tons of sites showing how to block someone on gmail. No excuse now not to block her. Time to move on and go complete no contact with her. No point in staying in touch since she's not in your life and you two aren't friends. Best thing you can do is create filter and it sends to trash then deleted after 30 days it's already set to that for her emails but it's irrelevant because it shows you have something in the trash Kinda useless because I see trash and go look anyways
Bromeo Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Fromheart has a point. Jamili and I go back and forth about this topic. I think acting "beta" in this case would be leaping to respond, acting emotionally instead of rationally, etc. A centered person acts more like a mountain. A warm response, leaving a door open to communication and not being pushy is easily more "alpha" than ignoring or forced rudeness. Nothing affects the mountain. I had to learn this the hard way, as jamili, marky, and others know my ex is currently playing games. In her case, I waited a week, and simply said let me know if you want to talk. After that its on her, and its her loss. The mountain also doesn't play games. lol But, I enjoy hearing the psychology and others experiences on the topic. Dave
marky00 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) Fromheart has a point. Jamili and I go back and forth about this topic. I think acting "beta" in this case would be leaping to respond, acting emotionally instead of rationally, etc. A centered person acts more like a mountain. A warm response, leaving a door open to communication and not being pushy is easily more "alpha" than ignoring or forced rudeness. Nothing affects the mountain. I had to learn this the hard way, as jamili, marky, and others know my ex is currently playing games. In her case, I waited a week, and simply said let me know if you want to talk. After that its on her, and its her loss. The mountain also doesn't play games. lol But, I enjoy hearing the psychology and others experiences on the topic. Dave I don't think ignoring is BETA, especially when your EX treated u like crap. If you don't ignore, your acting essentially which is way worse. You only respond when you get a message worthy of a response. Case in point my EX last month asked me how I was doing via SMS. Really? How the F**** do you think I'm doing since you ghosted me a few months back. She left the ball in my court and I tossed it back into hers Edited January 25, 2017 by marky00 1
Bromeo Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I see your point, and every case is individual of course. In that case, my counterpoint would be if she ghosted you, then casually reached out, then wouldn't a casual reply be warranted? I've also learned that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. In reality, it is the dumpees choice, and if they are not sufficiently healed, don't respond. I clearly see that logic as well. Our state of mind is paramount in these cases. For me, I was healed and made a response, tossed it back to her. Lets see what happens. lol
marky00 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) I see your point, and every case is individual of course. In that case, my counterpoint would be if she ghosted you, then casually reached out, then wouldn't a casual reply be warranted? I've also learned that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. In reality, it is the dumpees choice, and if they are not sufficiently healed, don't respond. I clearly see that logic as well. Our state of mind is paramount in these cases. For me, I was healed and made a response, tossed it back to her. Lets see what happens. lol Well ignoring can and should be interpreted as indifference. If my Ex is seeing it another way, then I guess she will never think I am over her, in which case we will never work out. Her message has got me curious and I have at times thought about responding but I don't like the way she's left the ball in my court. A few days after the first SMS, she sent me a Happy New Years message and she sounded a bit butt hurt, I guess because I didn't respond to the first message. The way I see it, if it took me longer than 5 minutes to want to respond, ignoring was probably the right choice. Read what the OP said in the other post. She didn't care her Ex ignored her breadcrumbs. In fact, that forced her to up her game. Edited January 25, 2017 by marky00
jamili Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) Fromheart has a point. Jamili and I go back and forth about this topic. I think acting "beta" in this case would be leaping to respond, acting emotionally instead of rationally, etc. A centered person acts more like a mountain. A warm response, leaving a door open to communication and not being pushy is easily more "alpha" than ignoring or forced rudeness. Nothing affects the mountain. I had to learn this the hard way, as jamili, marky, and others know my ex is currently playing games. In her case, I waited a week, and simply said let me know if you want to talk. After that its on her, and its her loss. The mountain also doesn't play games. lol But, I enjoy hearing the psychology and others experiences on the topic. Dave My situation is a bit different. My ex sent me an email with no words, just photos. At least you guys got words lol. I just didnt even know how to respond to that. "Nice pics"? I cant even identify the photos... just some landscape shots i guess she took sometime during the past few months... no idea. Also, my ex dumped me specifically because about a year before we met i communicated with an ex...and apparently she would never date anyone who ever had any communication with an ex post-breakup. So there's that lol. She specially told me "you should ignore exes when they reach out". So 90% sure she is "testing" me anyways. In my situation i cant imagine writing back to that email would be anything but a bad idea. Especially because the lackof words. Its been weeks and ive heard nothing since... so maybe it wasnt a test and she was legit wanting to connect and feels rejected. I have no idea... but i think waitingfor words is smarter. In your case i dont think it was that bad an idea. If you answered emotionally would have been way worse lol, you are prob ok. If you read that recent post by Aly, you will see that if her ex had responded to her intial feeler breadcrumbs, she never would have wanted him back... it would have botched it. I think every situation is different, this is all so risky in general. Just go with your gut. Edited January 25, 2017 by jamili
Bromeo Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Jamili, Same thing, "let me know if you want to chat". Your choice though, and if she said to never communicate with her ex, she sounds as crazy as mine. A blanket statement like that seems terribly immature. I over analyzed my two emails to death. I have analysts at my work who cant figure my ex out. So I put the ball back on her, and then I am focusing to let go yet again. I am at the point where although I care about her, even after all this time, I am fine without her. I imagine you are as well. I just don't do mind games. If she wants to chat, I left that door open. If not, then fine. Mine kills me because in this case she reached out, I responded, and then radio silence. But I guess I asked for it, no? lol
jamili Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) Jamili, Same thing, "let me know if you want to chat". Your choice though, and if she said to never communicate with her ex, she sounds as crazy as mine. A blanket statement like that seems terribly immature. I over analyzed my two emails to death. I have analysts at my work who cant figure my ex out. So I put the ball back on her, and then I am focusing to let go yet again. I am at the point where although I care about her, even after all this time, I am fine without her. I imagine you are as well. I just don't do mind games. If she wants to chat, I left that door open. If not, then fine. Mine kills me because in this case she reached out, I responded, and then radio silence. But I guess I asked for it, no? lol Yea its not like we were "communicating" either, outside of stuff we needed to sort out post-breakup. But she was insecure about it and ran. Also my ex initiated NC on me - verbally, said she wanted it, and i agreed. So far she has broken NC a handful of times, i never did. See, the thing that scares me is what your ex did... and ive read that on here and basically every other site around. It seems VERYVERY COMMON, that they disappear the second you respond. I dont know if ive ever seen a reconciliation story that didn't start with ignoring the ex until she sent something substantial. I dont think they are playing games. Not consciously at least. Its just a subconscious thing... they miss you, wonder if you still want them.. when you write back they stop feeling anxious and move on. If the anxiety builds, they start to feel attracted again, but it had to build. But honestly, who knows. Maybe your ex will write back to you in a week and mirror your response time. I want to respond to mine, as i do want to reconcile or at least talk about it. But i dont want to blow it by responding too soon. Edited January 25, 2017 by jamili
Bromeo Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Its crazy, I have this one friend at work who went through this exact same thing about 10 years back. Its scary how similar our stories are. On January 5th, I bet him a steak dinner I wouldn't hear from mine again. He stated within 30 days, and won on January 16. His point is, if she didn't care, she wouldn't email. Shes been thinking about me for awhile, and emailed to test the water. He would have driven over and confronted her, but from my thread that has ended hilariously bad for me. He said, and I agree, I have nothing to lose by texting, calling, etc. So I texted. His point is mine is much less butthurt, and wants to be back with me, but is salty I took a week to get back, so now I have to wait. According to said mate, she will want to meet up and talk. And my responses have to be perfect at that time, as she is considering how to tell all her friends who she complained about me for months to that we are together. I find this advice to be insane, but he was dead on before. We bet again to add drinks to this steak dinner, he is that sure. He was so sure, he bet a handy, but I'm down like that. lol So whatever, now we wait. My league of female advisors actually concurred with most of his advice, maybe he should write the damn book. lol
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