How to Get Her Back?

January 25, 2017

So......My relationship with her was complicated. To simplify, we broke up in September, but it was not done very cleanly and we were still hanging out and stuff through October (includes sex, I don't know if that matters). I didn't have time to hang with her in November because I was busy. In December, she started to date this guy she met on Match. Guy goes out of town during the holidays and I finally finished all of my work crunch and I found myself hanging out with her again which included sex. After the guy comes back and stuff, that was when the whole breakup thing just hit me.

Anyways, for probably 2 weeks, I tried to get her back, which included some very ugly fights and ended up with her blacklisting my social media accounts. So I stopped arguing with her and she added me back. Then somehow we started hanging out again (in secret), but it always ended up with us having sex. And no, the BF has no idea that we're even talking to each other, let alone hanging out.

My friend says even though I'm still sleeping with her, I've been friend-zoned hard. Is there anyway to reverse this? She tells me she wants me to move on, but then when I try to go no contact I would fail because she'd just message me, and me being a retard would respond. And it's more than simple messages of 'what's up'. Sometimes it includes messages like 'I miss you', which combined with me sleeping with her is just confusing me with what is it that she wants from me.

Now, my question is, am I killing my chances by being her friend? She's recently started fighting her BF, but I still can't see them breaking up soon. My logic was that by staying as her friend, when she and the guy inevitably breaks up (they're way too different) that she'll come back. She obviously has not completely moved on yet. Now, I talk to her about stuff, but I don't talk about her relationship problems. When she talked to me about her fight with him, I just stay quiet or seed some poison like 'the guy is a dick'. On the other hand, I feel like I'm being used for her comfort where her BF does not provide her. I'm just worried that by being there for her when he's not, she's never going to leave the guy.

Right now, they're just 'dating' and not officially bf/gf yet, according to the guy. Valentines is coming up soon though, and I'm worried that he may try to seal the deal then, which would probably end my relationship with her (she only meets me in secret because the guy does not want her meeting or talking to her exes). Is there still a chance to get her back by Valentines? Or is it GG and I'm just waiting for it to end?

Edited January 25, 2017 by Selang

January 25, 2017

So......My relationship with her was complicated. To simplify, we broke up in September, but it was not done very cleanly and we were still hanging out and stuff through October (includes sex, I don't know if that matters). I didn't have time to hang with her in November because I was busy. In December, she started to date this guy she met on Match. Guy goes out of town during the holidays and I finally finished all of my work crunch and I found myself hanging out with her again which included sex. After the guy comes back and stuff, that was when the whole breakup thing just hit me.

Anyways, for probably 2 weeks, I tried to get her back, which included some very ugly fights and ended up with her blacklisting my social media accounts. So I stopped arguing with her and she added me back. Then somehow we started hanging out again (in secret), but it always ended up with us having sex. And no, the BF has no idea that we're even talking to each other, let alone hanging out.

My friend says even though I'm still sleeping with her, I've been friend-zoned hard. Is there anyway to reverse this? She tells me she wants me to move on, but then when I try to go no contact I would fail because she'd just message me, and me being a retard would respond. And it's more than simple messages of 'what's up'. Sometimes it includes messages like 'I miss you', which combined with me sleeping with her is just confusing me with what is it that she wants from me.

Now, my question is, am I killing my chances by being her friend? She's recently started fighting her BF, but I still can't see them breaking up soon. My logic was that by staying as her friend, when she and the guy inevitably breaks up (they're way too different) that she'll come back. She obviously has not completely moved on yet. Now, I talk to her about stuff, but I don't talk about her relationship problems. When she talked to me about her fight with him, I just stay quiet or seed some poison like 'the guy is a dick'. On the other hand, I feel like I'm being used for her comfort where her BF does not provide her. I'm just worried that by being there for her when he's not, she's never going to leave the guy.

Right now, they're just 'dating' and not officially bf/gf yet, according to the guy. Valentines is coming up soon though, and I'm worried that he may try to seal the deal then, which would probably end my relationship with her (she only meets me in secret because the guy does not want her meeting or talking to her exes). Is there still a chance to get her back by Valentines? Or is it GG and I'm just waiting for it to end?

Your killing your self badly.

January 25, 2017

Real NC asap or you are gonna blow this forever imo. All you are doing is making it really easy for her to move on from you. Gain some value and self respect, and disappear. Also, the fact that she's hooking up with you in secret while she has a new bf... is a really bad sign. Do you really want to be with someone who is capable of that? (Yes, she would do it to you too)

January 25, 2017

She's juggling between you two. Why would you want to be with someone like that?

It is possible that she might do it with you. Cheating is a n addiction. Moreover, it is more rational to end things now.

January 25, 2017

You have become her side dish, if you have any self respect walk away!

Even if it doesn't work out with the new BF and she comes back to you, don't be surprised if she sleeps with him behind your back just as you have done to him.

January 25, 2017

OP, you have allowed her to treat you like Plan B.

If you want a snowball's chance in hell, stop that now. Stop all communications with her, because at the moment, she doesn't need to break up with her boyfriend to be with you. You're making this way too easy on her and way too difficult on yourself.

January 25, 2017

OP, you have allowed her to treat you like Plan B.

If you want a snowball's chance in hell, stop that now. Stop all communications with her, because at the moment, she doesn't need to break up with her boyfriend to be with you. You're making this way too easy on her and way too difficult on yourself.

So basically by stopping communications I'm forcing her to choose between me or her? By stopping communications, do you mean just stopping random chitchats and reject her attempts to hang out? Or take it literally and completely stop all communications?

As for the guy being her BF, she treats him like a BF, but she's doubting her relationship right now because the guy doesn't think they are BF/GF 'officially' in the literal sense, he described their relationship as 'just dating'. And the way the guy defined their relationship to her, it sounds like it's still 'okay' to see other people. If the guy had agreed that they were BF/GFs, I don't think she would have slept with me and vice versa. She told me last week that their relationship seems to be going downhill due to fights and stuff. I'm just worried that if I disappear now, I would only push her further into his arms.

Edited January 25, 2017 by Selang

January 25, 2017

So basically by stopping communications I'm forcing her to choose between me or her? By stopping communications, do you mean just stopping random chitchats and reject her attempts to hang out? Or take it literally and completely stop all communications?

As for the guy being her BF, she treats him like a BF, but she's doubting her relationship right now because the guy doesn't think they are BF/GF 'officially' in the literal sense, he described their relationship as 'just dating'. And the way the guy defined their relationship to her, it sounds like it's still 'okay' to see other people. If the guy had agreed that they were BF/GFs, I don't think she would have slept with me and vice versa. She told me last week that their relationship seems to be going downhill due to fights and stuff. I'm just worried that if I disappear now, I would only push her further into his arms.

To answer your last part.... probably the opposite. If you stick around you are more likley to push her into his arms. Doesmt make logical sense, but its how it works. When we say NC, we literally mean disappear off the face of the earth. Once she feels you are COMPLETELY gone... she might come back to you. That's my opinion here.

January 26, 2017

Does the fact that she still buys me presents change the situation?

January 26, 2017

You're just her secret from her BF. You should have more respect for yourself than that.

You need to answer for yourself why you are so codependent on her that you're willing to take her leftovers from her BF.

January 26, 2017

I guess that I still feel like there's still a chance because she hasn't completely moved on either. I figure some relationship is better than none, or at least it's closer to getting her back than going NC. I did argue with her once about how she treats me as a 'friend,' specifically over the part that she refuses to acknowledge me as a friend with the BF. I told her that if I can't even hang out with her publicly, then there's no point in being a friend because I don't even rate that respect from her. She took my bluff and so I caved.

January 26, 2017

I guess that I still feel like there's still a chance because she hasn't completely moved on either. I figure some relationship is better than none, or at least it's closer to getting her back than going NC. I did argue with her once about how she treats me as a 'friend,' specifically over the part that she refuses to acknowledge me as a friend with the BF. I told her that if I can't even hang out with her publicly, then there's no point in being a friend because I don't even rate that respect from her. She took my bluff and so I caved.

You need to reach down inside yourself, and find your self-respect and self-worth.

If you don't respect yourself, nobody else will.

That is the entirety of you problem:

Not enough self-respect

Not enough feeling of self-worth

You'll never have a healthy relationship with anyone, until you have a healthy relationship with yourself.

Take care.

January 26, 2017

I guess that I still feel like there's still a chance because she hasn't completely moved on either.
I did argue with her once about how she treats me as a 'friend,' specifically over the part that she refuses to acknowledge me as a friend with the BF. I told her that if I can't even hang out with her publicly, then there's no point in being a friend because I don't even rate that respect from her. She took my bluff and so I caved.

you are lowering your status. Why?

Your actions in this tell her you aren't worth much.

January 26, 2017

you are lowering your status. Why?

Your actions in this tell her you aren't worth much.

Basically you are making yourself less sexually attractive to her the more you let yourself be her doormat. NO woman on this planet wants a doormat. You think you are helping get her back but in reaity you are helping ensure that never happens. We arent trying to f*** you over here, we are trying to help you out.

January 26, 2017

you are lowering your status. Why?

Your actions in this tell her you aren't worth much.

I mean, when I was together with her, I was really stubborn with a lot of stuff. A lot of things I would not change on and she frequently complained about my lack of expressions. I guess I feel somewhat guilty that I didn't give her what she wanted when we were together, and now I want to fix that. On the other end, I guess I haven't moved on yet. I guess I'm still in denial.

Edited January 26, 2017 by Selang

January 27, 2017

Once you accept the friendzone, its very difficult for her to ever see you in a romantic, sexual context. She knows you want more but are willing to settle for less, this doesn't make you a man in her eyes.

This includes being an F buddy, you're then accepting the role of her di#do. Accepting her terms and not living life by your terms, as an alpha male would.

If you want to regain attraction in her eyes, you tell her to give you a call if she changes her mind, and then you disappear. No contact, no being friend 'just in case,' you disappear.

She meets you on your terms or nothing.

I wouldn't bother with this girl though, even if you do get her back its going to be the same old dramas. There are many, many others out there.

January 27, 2017

I mean, when I was together with her, I was really stubborn with a lot of stuff. A lot of things I would not change on and she frequently complained about my lack of expressions. I guess I feel somewhat guilty that I didn't give her what she wanted when we were together, and now I want to fix that. On the other end, I guess I haven't moved on yet. I guess I'm still in denial.

Learn and move on

January 27, 2017

keep your head up it gets better

February 7, 2017

So an update. I met her for the last time last last Saturday. I planned to tell her I'm not gonna go find her anymore and blah blah blah. Anyways, it didn't work according to plan. Halfway through the night before I could pop the word we ended up fighting. She ended and said that we should not meet or speak anymore because we're just hurting each other etc etc. Somehow we ended up reconciling at her place again.

Before I left her place Sunday morning I told her I won't look for her again, but asked (pleaded) her to come find me if the new bf don't work out to which she agreed. I haven't sent her a text or message since.

On Monday she sends me a text telling me that life is short I should go do blah blah blah and if things don't work out with the new bf she will come find me. I didn't reply.

Tonight she sends me a text asking me how to cash a money order I had given her. She's an accountant and I know for a fact she knows how to cash money orders (take it to her bank) but she messages me regardless. When I don't reply she sends me another text saying to pretend she didn't say anything and goodbye. This is one of her classic responses she used to do with me when we were together. If I didn't respond to get texts she would say something emo and then say goodbye. My response of course to call her up and woo her so she won't be mad.

What is she trying to do? We already agreed to go no contact but she's been sending me these texts. I haven't replied to any of them I don't want her to get mad.

February 7, 2017

but asked (pleaded) her to come find me if the new bf don't work out to which she agreed. I haven't sent her a text or message since.

On Monday she sends me a text telling me that life is short I should go do blah blah blah and if things don't work out with the new bf she will come find me. I didn't reply.

This is brutal man... I'll be completely honest with you here, this probably wasn't the best move on your part. You shouldn't want to be someone's fall-back option, and I don't think many women would find your willingness to become the fall-back option an attractive mindset. You have revealed to her that you have low value, and not a lot of self-respect or confidence... that won't help you out here.

At this point, the only thing you should do is SERIOUSLY walk away, and mean it. Then implement hard NC.

Tonight she sends me a text asking me how to cash a money order I had given her. She's an accountant and I know for a fact she knows how to cash money orders (take it to her bank) but she messages me regardless. When I don't reply she sends me another text saying to pretend she didn't say anything and goodbye.

This is bait to see if you are going to start pleading for her back again. She wants to make sure you still want her. Ego ego ego. By telling her you would be her fallback guy, she probably already got enough of an ego boost... seems like she wants more. You did well by ignoring this. You need a LOT of NC in this situation. I'd ignore her messages for a long while if I were you, considering the recent events.

Edited February 7, 2017 by jamili

February 7, 2017

Come find me when things with your new boyfriend don't work out??? Any respect she had for you is now gone. Why would she want to be with you when you're literally offering to be a second option and let her do what she wants?

February 7, 2017

Tonight she sends me a text asking me how to cash a money order I had given her. She's an accountant and I know for a fact she knows how to cash money orders (take it to her bank) but she messages me regardless.

This made me laugh.

February 7, 2017

End all contact right this second. You have a gift called the internet where you can literally learn anything. These people on here are basically telling you the future use it to your advantage.

February 7, 2017

Okay, first off I'm going to blast you a little. Why the hell are you sleeping with her if she has someone else? You are not her boyfriend. You are the OM (Other Man) and has it crossed your mind that if she could do this to her current boyfriend, that she could have done this to you? I mean, it could explain all the fighting that was happening. Hard to cheat on someone if you're happy with them. Easier to cheat if you can say to yourself, "You know? I wouldn't be with this other guy if he wasn't acting like such an ass!" So, you have to ask yourself, when you were in a relationship together, which one of you always seemed to pick the fight?

Right now, she has the best of both worlds. She has her boyfriend to take care of her emotional needs and she has you to take care of her physical needs when she needs them scratched. But, how is that fair for you? And make no mistake, she's being intimate with this other guy as well. How do you feel about having to share her with someone else?

Got a novel idea for you, dude. Find someone else. There is a girl out there that you will get along with. Someone you're going to have a blast with and a girl that WANTS to be with you because there's no other place in the world she would rather be. She's out there and waiting for you to find her. But, you are NEVER going to find her if you're playing games with your Ex.

Time to let go and heal from this. Time to move on, dude.

February 8, 2017

I know I did wrong to plead to be her backup. After having gone a week of no contact I've more or less reflected on my self on that. I've decided that I won't be chasing her anymore. If I'm gonna get back with her it has to be the other way around and under my terms.

The unfairness of our relationship was basically why we fought two weeks ago. I basically told her I can't be her friend if she's not going to give me the respect a friend should have. She said fine and let's not meet or contact each other anymore etc.

Fast forward to tonight, she ended up calling me but I ignored her call. She then went a message on fb saying that she has something she needs to ask me (the check) and why I don't respond. I still ignored her. I mean is there a point that no contact becomes counterproductive? Like it pushes her away more? Or should I entertain her with a response now and then? She's tried to contact me across multiple channels now and I can't really just ignore her completely.

I'm also worried that Valentine's is next week and the bf might try to pull something.

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