I am about to break up with my girlfriend that I still love and she has no idea

[mido91]

Firstly, I just need a place to vent or talk to someone who has been in the same situation. I dont have many people in my life I can talk to about this..

 

I am about to break up with my girlfriend that I still in love with in a few hours once she is off work, yet I dont think she has an idea.

 

We are both college students and I still love and care about her so much... we have been dating for almost 8 months. But she is not the one for me. I love her as a person, she is the sweetest soul, but I cant have her as my girlfriend. As much as I want her to be mine still, there are a lot of habits/attitudes/values of hers that turn me completely off. I dont want to go in to detail, but she is a little immature sometimes, and a lot of small things/issues have built up over time that I have finally realized and come to a conclusion. It's almost as if im somewhat ashamed to call her mine now, even though im still in love with her as we have spent the past 8 months together.

 

I've been wanting to break up for a few weeks now but Im so scared to break her heart. She does not really have a strong support system. Ive already tried talking to her about certain issues but she goes back to her old ways. I wish I could get myself to want to stick with her... but I dont see potential in our future at the moment.

 

Im thinking of telling her we should take a break, but i dont know how shes going to take it.

 

She is my first love and I really dont want to hurt her, but deep down I know this has to be done.

[preraph]

Please don't leave her dangling by saying you want a break. Tell her that you really love her in many ways but that there are some things you know you couldn't live with in the long term. Don't make it sound like it's all her fault. But tell her, I think we should make a clean break so we can both move on. I'll miss you as a friend but if we try to remain friends it will only hold one or both of us back.

[OnlyHonesty]

''Take a break'' is code word for breakup when a person is too cowardly to tell the truth.

[Orlan]

Don't be a coward. By telling her that you just need a break you are leaving a string attached to you. Let her go and get over you completely, not wait for you to end the break.

 

And tell her why you are breaking up, there is nothing worse than wondering and making worse conclusions. I have known women who have gone through many relationships which ended for the same reasons, but no one bothered to tell them so they didn't figure it out.

[mightycpa]

You're going to hurt her, so just accept it. Also, you need to understand that she's not a delicate flower who will wither and die because she doesn't get to stay with you. She might get hurt, but she'll get over it.

 

You just have to be a man, and be straight up honest, as well as unyielding.

 

Before you break up, gather all your stuff at her house, and gather all her stuff at yours. Bring her stuff with you. Take whatever you want to keep with you from her place. Be 100% ready to leave and never come back.

 

Tell her what you told us. Tell her that it has nothing to do with her as a person, it has to do with nor not being the right match for you. If she brings up the subject of change, tell her that if she wants to change, to do it for herself, not for you. Don't tell her you're going to hurt over this. Take a bullet for the team. Tell her that the only thing you feel bad about is her feelings, that you feel pity for her. That will help extinguish her hope, which is basically your job in a good breakup. Don't leave any door open for the future. No lets' be friends, no take a break, no we'll meet again in one month, no nobody knows what the future holds. Tell her one thing is for certain - she'll never be the girl for you.

 

Answer her questions honestly and gently. If there's no good answer, then tell her you don't know, or you aren't sure, but that doesn't change your mind. The main question on her mind in the coming days will be WHY. She won't be able to make sense of your reasons, so they should be few, simple and repeatable. But more important is your resoluteness to this decision. The more resolute you are, the less time wasted for both of you in the coming weeks.

 

Explain that you won't be in touch any more. Explain how you expect the same from her.

 

It's harsh, I know. Breakups aren't fun. But don't worry, both of you will be all right.

[Ieris]

Break ups are never easy and if you still care about the other person then make it as easy for them as possible.

 

When I have broken up with guys in the past (unless they did something bad) I stay in touch with them until they get over it. It can be difficult and confusing for them because while you was checking out they were still on cloud9 so to drop from being loved to unloved, being on top and now at the bottom, being in your life and now out of your life is a stark contrast.

 

For me it's not over until I know the other person is OK and as I take big breaks in between relationships I dont mind spending the time to do that. To know that I can sleep well while they are crying themselves to sleep makes me feel uneasy so I try to ease their pain if I can. I like to let them know I'm still around and they can call me whenever and because I gave them time to wean off me they all got over it quite quickly. Whereas when I cut all contact they can still be pestering me for months/years begging for a second chance, left wondering and wanting answers etc. So tie up loose ends now so that you don't have to deal with it further down the line.

 

Everyone does things differently, some may prefer a clean cut so do what suits you best.

Edited January 25, 2017 by Ieris

[whichwayisup]

Be kind to her during the break up and be available to her for a certain amount of time to talk to her and give her a respectful ending so she feels some closure.

 

Don't blame her, don't tell her that you find she's immature and that she has values or morals that you don't agree with.

 

Just tell her that you deeply care for her and always will. Most of all, do not say 'break'. That gives her a hope and there is no hope since you've admitted she's not the one for you. And that's okay. People break up, feel pain, cry and be sad but they move on. She will too!

[ExpatInItaly]

Another vote for not calling it "a break".

 

Don't do that. If you know this isn't going to work for you, don't give that kind of false hope. Read through the other threads on this Breaking Up forum here to see what "taking a break" means to the dumpee and how much it hurts them.

 

Make it a clean break-up. As someone else said, it will hurt her but she will someday get past it.

Edited January 25, 2017 by ExpatInItaly