Miss Spider Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Wouldn't expect anyone to knock down a door when they can't even be bothered to knock on it. End date 1: when can I see you again? End date 2: when are you free this weekend? End date 3: are you free this Saturday? End date 4: want to do x with me x night? End date 5(scene closes with sex) Dude's Monologue: 'that was amazing sex and I'm so into this girl. But you know what, I'm just tired of initiating now. I'm beginning to think she's doesn't even like me...uh, yeah. And she's not pulling her weight. She's probably just using me for a free lunch. Even though she does pay on the dates. Incidentally, I got tired of it right after we had sex. But I doubt she'll think that's anything more than a coincidence, though. Because it is. And also why would she think I'm not interested in her since I've been emotionally closed off? Women.' 5
winny Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 You think after we had sex he be anxious to see me again, but nothing. Why? For a guy sex doesn't equal to developing more emotional intimacy. In fact 6 dates is not enough to develop emotional intimacy for a man or a woman. If you go out with him now and continue to do so then you have a chance to get more close. Go out and be chill and don't get all weird and crazy and start expecting that he should now somehow treat you more special suddenly.
winny Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Wouldn't expect anyone to knock down a door when they can't even be bothered to knock on it. End date 1: when can I see you again? End date 2: when are you free this weekend? End date 3: are you free this Saturday? End date 4: want to do x with me x night? End date 5(scene closes with sex) Dude's Monologue: 'that was amazing sex and I'm so into this girl. But you know what, I'm just tired of initiating now. I'm beginning to think she's doesn't even like me...uh, yeah. And she's not pulling her weight. She's probably just using me for a free lunch. Even though she does pay on the dates. Incidentally, I got tired of it right after we had sex. But I doubt she'll think that's anything more than a coincidence, though. Because it is. And also why would she think I'm not interested in her since I've been emotionally closed off? Women.' Ha ha ha good one! This happens way too often that men get distant after sex and being a woman who has been burnt before and seeing it happening with others, we cannot blame any woman to start expecting the worst. I would still not write off the guy. If he doesn't show up for the date or shows up but behaves weird, then we can be sure. In the mean time I request OP to stay as calm as possible.
winny Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 After sex, lust is satiated. Thus, I'm evaluating the relationship potential with a clear head and not influenced by other factors. Wow!! I dunno what to say So basically some men do not have the ability to evaluate the relationship potential of a woman till they have had got the lust out of the way?
Shining One Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 So basically some men do not have the ability to evaluate the relationship potential of a woman till they have had got the lust out of the way?That's not what I said at all. I said I reevaluate after sex. Emphasis on the re. Lust has a tendency to cloud judgement somewhat. Reevaluating things when judgement is less clouded just makes sense, at least to me. 1
Jj66 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I would never enter into a relationship with a woman before having sex with her. It has nothing to do with my powers of evaluation. It's not possible to make that evaluation until after sex because sexual compatibility is one of the criteria I have when deciding whether to enter a relationship. 4
Jj66 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Women do it too. A woman I know flirted really heavy with a guy for a few weeks. They went out a few times and eventually had sex. He had what she called a pencil dick. Her thought was, what am I going to do with that? She dumped him.
Author damni Posted January 25, 2017 Author Posted January 25, 2017 (edited) JMO, but this guy is over it He got what he wanted and for whatever reason he doesnt want it again OP, you said yourself he's emotionally closed off...were you thinking he'd magically open up after you had sex? Because I think he's doing the exact opposite I understand that he's still contacting you but you're feeling a shift, you're getting that gut feeling that something is off...because it probably is I know people are saying to ask him out and show some interest because he's feeling like you're not feeling him anymore.... but I dont think this guy deserves that much credit This is probably just a, 'Guy slept with girl and shuts her down after' story Next time try to be more careful with who you chose to sleep with...If you're expecting more than sex....then having sex with an emotionally closed off guy probably isnt a safe bet Did he use a condom? Oh I have learnt from this!! I never regretted sleeling with a guy before so I know I did it not knowing where I stood. Lesson learnt. Tbh I feel stupid for asking him out again after sex, he knows I am into him and I wonder if im just prolonging the inevitable. Well I feel more emotionally detach now anyway and feel quite annoyed so i might not even go on the date. Acutually im going phone him and tell him what I am thinking/feeling. Hopefully he be honest I keep you all updated. Edited January 25, 2017 by damni 1
winny Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 Oh I have learnt from this!! I never regretted sleeling with a guy before so I know I did it not knowing where I stood. Lesson learnt. Tbh I feel stupid for asking him out again after sex, he knows I am into him and I wonder if im just prolonging the inevitable. Well I feel more emotionally detach now anyway and feel quite annoyed so i might not even go on the date. Acutually im going phone him and tell him what I am thinking/feeling. Hopefully he be honest I keep you all updated. Patience is a virtue that people seem to be missing a lot these days... ok go ahead and have the talk... Don't let the emotions of feeling rejected and used get the better of you though. 1
winny Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 That's not what I said at all. I said I reevaluate after sex. Emphasis on the re. Lust has a tendency to cloud judgement somewhat. Reevaluating things when judgement is less clouded just makes sense, at least to me. Well that comes down to not having control over ones senses...if you do then you don't have to "re" evaluate anything... if men can keep their emotions and sex apart then why can't they do their evaluation without lust clouding their judgement i thought men are so good in compartmentalizing stuff Anyways whatever it is, it has to do with some men and their inability to evaluate clearly without letting lust affecting them so much. Nothing that a woman can do about it. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I don't know many guys who'd waste their time going on 5 dates if all they wanted was sex. I'm going into date #4 with the gal i'm seeing right now, and it's not even a concern of mine at the moment. I'd rather have a good connection and enjoy her company, sex can wait until later. 3
Versacehottie Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I don't know many guys who'd waste their time going on 5 dates if all they wanted was sex. I'm going into date #4 with the gal i'm seeing right now, and it's not even a concern of mine at the moment. I'd rather have a good connection and enjoy her company, sex can wait until later. I agree 100%
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I'm trying to wrap my head around a grown man (v. say, a teenager) being so overcome by his "lust" that he literally can't rely on his own impressions to decide whether to pursue a relationship further, but then the edge gets taken off and he can think straight again to "reevaluate." I'm not trying to put down the poster saying these things, or to be humiliating, but...I mean...really? Grown men CAN make these judgments...I'm just not buying that a normal, self-contained, nominally self-controlled man CAN'T make a good, clear judgment he can rely on, until he's finally had that orgasm. That does not compute. And it's in no way representative of the adult males I've known in my life. If the "lust" was THAT bad they masturbated. Simple, quick fix.
Jj66 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I usually give em 2 shots. If the sex was not satisfying either of the first two times then she isn't relationship material for me. Good sex is something I want in a relationship.
Shining One Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I'm trying to wrap my head around a grown man (v. say, a teenager) being so overcome by his "lust" that he literally can't rely on his own impressions to decide whether to pursue a relationship further, but then the edge gets taken off and he can think straight again to "reevaluate." I'm not trying to put down the poster saying these things, or to be humiliating, but...I mean...really? Grown men CAN make these judgments...I'm just not buying that a normal, self-contained, nominally self-controlled man CAN'T make a good, clear judgment he can rely on, until he's finally had that orgasm. That does not compute. And it's in no way representative of the adult males I've known in my life. If the "lust" was THAT bad they masturbated. Simple, quick fix.I'm probably not explaining it very well. I do make determinations on whether or not a woman appears to be relationship material before sex. However, after sex, I determine whether or not I still consider her relationship material. There are many factors involved, including whether or not the sex was enjoyable. It's not something I "plan", it just happens. Maybe I'm an anomaly and I just think more critically about a woman's relationship potential after sex. I've dropped 10 or so women immediately after sex because I determined (at that point) they were not relationship material, despite me thinking they were relationship material before. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I'm probably not explaining it very well. I do make determinations on whether or not a woman appears to be relationship material before sex. However, after sex, I determine whether or not I still consider her relationship material. There are many factors involved, including whether or not the sex was enjoyable. It's not something I "plan", it just happens. Maybe I'm an anomaly and I just think more critically about a woman's relationship potential after sex. I've dropped 10 or so women immediately after sex because I determined (at that point) they were not relationship material, despite me thinking they were relationship material before. I think even if we (women) don't like that this is the thought process that goes on. We shouldn't be denying that it IS the one that goes on for most guys. It's smart to keep that in mind. Doesn't matter sometimes what we think is right or wrong--it's just how it happens. I say we should be paying attention. Thanks, shining one, good intel.
winny Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I think even if we (women) don't like that this is the thought process that goes on. We shouldn't be denying that it IS the one that goes on for most guys. It's smart to keep that in mind. Doesn't matter sometimes what we think is right or wrong--it's just how it happens. I say we should be paying attention. Thanks, shining one, good intel. Thats fine whatever reason someone has for not pursuing a relationship anymore but doing a slow fade or ghosting is not justified at all.
winny Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 I'm probably not explaining it very well. I do make determinations on whether or not a woman appears to be relationship material before sex. However, after sex, I determine whether or not I still consider her relationship material. There are many factors involved, including whether or not the sex was enjoyable. It's not something I "plan", it just happens. Maybe I'm an anomaly and I just think more critically about a woman's relationship potential after sex. I've dropped 10 or so women immediately after sex because I determined (at that point) they were not relationship material, despite me thinking they were relationship material before. Many factors Lets keep it simple- many men ghost cause the sex wasnt good or they ghost coz only wanted sex. Thats it. Suddenly within one night I cannot think of any other factors that come into play -- unless the woman starts behaving psycho the next morning... 1
Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2017 Posted January 26, 2017 Thats fine whatever reason someone has for not pursuing a relationship anymore but doing a slow fade or ghosting is not justified at all. hmmm, i wasn't even getting into that subject whatsoever (slow fade or ghosting). Just the thought process of what goes through a guy's head. Not really debating the morality of it. But if I was, both guys and girls do the ghosting or fade, both do. There are no rules in dating so I guess people do what they want, is easiest or most comfortable for them. Rules can't really be enforced. 1
Author damni Posted January 31, 2017 Author Posted January 31, 2017 UPDATE Hey, thought give little update. Had our date at the weekend, we went out and he did try it on when we back to his but I said no and he was fine with that. But contact has stayed the same, still not escalated and he has not asked me out again and its been 2 days since the date, ball in his court now but I am fed up with it. We been in contact for 5 weeks now and I expect more. I have no idea where I stand. Should I say something to him about how I feel or just let it run its course?? I actually have a second date with another guy tonight, but I wonder how can I avoid being in same situation with the first guy with this second one? shall I be upfront with what I want? phone calls between dates, exclusivity before sex? Just wonder how I should approach this? obviously I learnt a guy not giving much emotionally is a big warning sign! 1
hippychick3 Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 UPDATE Hey, thought give little update. Had our date at the weekend, we went out and he did try it on when we back to his but I said no and he was fine with that. But contact has stayed the same, still not escalated and he has not asked me out again and its been 2 days since the date, ball in his court now but I am fed up with it. We been in contact for 5 weeks now and I expect more. I have no idea where I stand. Should I say something to him about how I feel or just let it run its course?? I actually have a second date with another guy tonight, but I wonder how can I avoid being in same situation with the first guy with this second one? shall I be upfront with what I want? phone calls between dates, exclusivity before sex? Just wonder how I should approach this? obviously I learnt a guy not giving much emotionally is a big warning sign! Go on your date and keep it easy, breezy, and light. A first date is not the time to talk about exclusivity and phone calls between dates. It is a good time to casually ask about dating goals and what he is looking for in a matter of fact, general manner. Make it light and casual when you ask and don't make it about you. Let the other guy go. No need to say anything to him. Just move on and date multiple people until you meet one who treats you well and wants to be exclusive. And, don't sleep with anyone until you are exclusive. Until then, go into observation mode and don't allow yourself to get attached to anyone too soon. Sex too early with the wrong person will put you in that predicament. 1
Dis Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 UPDATE Hey, thought give little update. Had our date at the weekend, we went out and he did try it on when we back to his but I said no and he was fine with that. But contact has stayed the same, still not escalated and he has not asked me out again and its been 2 days since the date, ball in his court now but I am fed up with it. We been in contact for 5 weeks now and I expect more. I have no idea where I stand. Should I say something to him about how I feel or just let it run its course?? I actually have a second date with another guy tonight, but I wonder how can I avoid being in same situation with the first guy with this second one? shall I be upfront with what I want? phone calls between dates, exclusivity before sex? Just wonder how I should approach this? obviously I learnt a guy not giving much emotionally is a big warning sign! Hey girl! I'm relieved to hear you say your fed up with this guy I was in a similar situation before....except he asked me to be exclusive before sex. He was kind of emotionally vacant towards the end and somewhat in the beginning. I didnt hear a lot from him. He was lackadaisical, not putting in a lot of effort. But silly me, I hung in there until I walked in on him cheating on me When a guy isnt putting forth the effort you'd like to see (within reason) and you've given him a fair chance....let him go. In the early stages of dating thats not going to change....hes just showing you who he is. I think it's reasonable for you to expect more so dont feel like you're being needy In the future though, unless you're just looking for casual sex...dont have sex with a guy unless you've established exclusivity. Also, go with your gut. You had a feeling things were off with this guy and they are. You are free to walk away at any time With this new guy....try to wipe the slate clean. Dont carry any baggage you have from this last guy into the date. For all you know this guy could be different, or he could be the same. Its up to you to feel it out. I would def not talk about what you 'need' from a guy or relationship. You can chat about what you want from dating and if both of you have similar dating goals (thats great) but like I said, dont paint this guy the same color as the other one by devling into deep convo. If you're both feeling it you have plenty of time for that later Hope the date goes super well!!! Remember...fresh start!! 2
Miss Spider Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Hey girl! I'm relieved to hear you say your fed up with this guy I was in a similar situation before....except he asked me to be exclusive before sex. He was kind of emotionally vacant towards the end and somewhat in the beginning. I didnt hear a lot from him. He was lackadaisical, not putting in a lot of effort. But silly me, I hung in there until I walked in on him cheating on me When a guy isnt putting forth the effort you'd like to see (within reason) and you've given him a fair chance....let him go. In the early stages of dating thats not going to change....hes just showing you who he is. I think it's reasonable for you to expect more so dont feel like you're being needy In the future though, unless you're just looking for casual sex...dont have sex with a guy unless you've established exclusivity. Also, go with your gut. You had a feeling things were off with this guy and they are. You are free to walk away at any time With this new guy....try to wipe the slate clean. Dont carry any baggage you have from this last guy into the date. For all you know this guy could be different, or he could be the same. Its up to you to feel it out. I would def not talk about what you 'need' from a guy or relationship. You can chat about what you want from dating and if both of you have similar dating goals (thats great) but like I said, dont paint this guy the same color as the other one by devling into deep convo. If you're both feeling it you have plenty of time for that later Hope the date goes super well!!! Remember...fresh start!! Great advice, Disillusion. Can I ask what you mean about your guy being emotionally vacant? 1
Dis Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Great advice, Disillusion. Can I ask what you mean about your guy being emotionally vacant? Hey Cookies!!! Well to start with he was a very simple minded guy, whereas I'm very complex so we werent able to meet in the middle One day while we were out having dinner, I made a joke and said "The only five things you think of are, golf, the gym, work, my a$$ and your truck." He said "Thats not true, I also think about your boobs so that makes 7." He really didnt have a lot of substance, it was very hard to carry on a convo with him. When I spent time with him I felt uncomfortable because I felt like I couldnt speak my mind. Its like he wasnt able to understand anything that wasnt simple. He was distant when we werent together too. After two months of dating his texts sounded like we only knew each other for a week. "Hey" "How are you." "Yup" "Good night" No phone calls either He also rarely asked about me. Inquired about what I like, what I dont. What my thoughts are. That bothered me so much. After him, I never again dated a guy who didnt ask me about myself and I never will Ya know how when couples are a good match for each other, they kind of blend together in a sense? That never happened with us. I felt like I didnt really know him and he didnt really know me. That couldve been the reason why I didnt see the cheating coming I learned so much from him though. About what I wont accept from a man and what I need....that connection, that bond, inquiry about myself, openess, good communication, great convo, emotional availibility, effort on his part to know who I am and to get closer...the list goes on lol OP, I didnt mean to highjack your thread I hope this can help you reflect on your situtation and what you need and wont accept from a man. Every person we date teaches us something 2
Miss Spider Posted January 31, 2017 Posted January 31, 2017 Hey Cookies!!! Well to start with he was a very simple minded guy, whereas I'm very complex so we werent able to meet in the middle One day while we were out having dinner, I made a joke and said "The only five things you think of are, golf, the gym, work, my a$$ and your truck." He said "Thats not true, I also think about your boobs so that makes 7." He really didnt have a lot of substance, it was very hard to carry on a convo with him. When I spent time with him I felt uncomfortable because I felt like I couldnt speak my mind. Its like he wasnt able to understand anything that wasnt simple. He was distant when we werent together too. After two months of dating his texts sounded like we only knew each other for a week. "Hey" "How are you." "Yup" "Good night" No phone calls either He also rarely asked about me. Inquired about what I like, what I dont. What my thoughts are. That bothered me so much. After him, I never again dated a guy who didnt ask me about myself and I never will Ya know how when couples are a good match for each other, they kind of blend together in a sense? That never happened with us. I felt like I didnt really know him and he didnt really know me. That couldve been the reason why I didnt see the cheating coming I learned so much from him though. About what I wont accept from a man and what I need....that connection, that bond, inquiry about myself, openess, good communication, great convo, emotional availibility, effort on his part to know who I am and to get closer...the list goes on lol OP, I didnt mean to highjack your thread I hope this can help you reflect on your situtation and what you need and wont accept from a man. Every person we date teaches us something Thanks! I know exactly what you mean. I always wonder if its just not 'clicking' for them or if they intentionally put up barriers so it won't. Oh well. Yeah, sorry for the thread jack , OP 2
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