She has become distant all of the sudden

[javin3]

It took a lot for me to reach out for advice on this forum, but I truly do not know what I should do...so I will try to provide as many details as possible.

 

 

I have had my eye on a girl for years but never had the chance to meet her. We have mutual friends so I guess word got out that I had some level of interest and she caught on. On Thanksgiving, she reached out and asked me out on a date. I could not have been happier. I accepted that invitation.

 

 

On 12/1/2016, we had our first date. I picked her up, took her to a really nice restaurant in the city where I work and she lives. My expectations were low, but we clicked immediately and it felt so natural. We ended up staying out on a Thursday night just talking until 2am. I went in for a kiss at the end, and she reciprocated. There was some making out, but I made sure it ended with that. We talked the next day, and she and I agreed that it was the best first date we'd ever been on and we were so happy that we met one another.

 

 

A week later, she invited me down to her apartment and we just hung out and relaxed, laughing and talking, and I genuinely enjoyed her company. It was evident that she enjoyed mine. A week after that, she introduced me to her best friend, and we hung out at her friend's apartment. When we left her friends place, I took her home, and there was some heavy making out in the car. She asked me to tell her how I felt about her-I told her that I am beginning to fall in love with her. She asked me to stay, so I stayed, but we didn't have sex. We just fooled around a bit and laid around talking. It was nice because I didn't want to cross that line just yet. The following week, her Mom was in from out of town and she invited me down to meet her and all go out together-so I did. We had a great time, and I stayed over at her apartment. The next morning when I left, she texted me and told me that she couldn't hold it in anymore and that she was so in love with me and that I am truly amazing. The following week, she had me back down, and that was the night-we had sex. It was amazing.

 

 

Schedules, work and personal life become crazier, and we hadn't been able to see each other. We had texted everyday or so, or every other day-it was constant communication. Everything seemed fine. About 3 weeks or so had passed and we hadn't seen each other. I had asked her out a few times-she was sick, busy, tired...etc. Then all of the sudden she became a bit distant and I asked her why I felt like she was running away from me-I don't play games as I am 28 years old and do not have time for that. She explained that because her ex cheated on her and hurt her so badly that she always thinks about how painful it was she doesn't want to do it all over again. I explained that I had a similar situation and ensured her that I am crazy about her and that I would never hurt her. I asked her if she was trying to say goodbye to me, and she replied saying, "No I'm not, I can't say goodbye to you". She also explained that she really likes me and just wants to make sure we are taking things slow. She then said once she feels a bit better (she had been ill) that she'd like to see me again. This text was over the past weekend.

 

 

It has been almost a month since I've seen her. I have feelings for her. She has still been distant as we don't text all the time now. I do not know what to do. I want to keep her in my life but I don't want to be the guy texting her when she said she wants to take it slow. She used to initiate conversation all of the time but now it's almost non-existent.

 

 

What are the rules now? How do I handle this situation? Why would she go from so into me to ghosting so quickly? Would it be okay after say, a week, to shoot her text to see what she is up to or am I supposed to go no contact and just pray that she contacts me again one day. Please help me here. I'd appreciate a female point of view.

 

 

Thanks! Sorry-I know it's a lot to read.

[smackie9]

She was infatuated and it fizzled out as quickly as it started. It happens.

 

Most would say when you hear "take things slow" mean she is keeping her options open.

 

Don't go silent, just talk to her about it and give her the opportunity to walk away....if she takes it you can move on.

[NinjaX]

Give her plenty of space to work it out herself.

 

 

You poking in with texts...checking in with here...asking her out while she gives you some BS excuses is not going to help.

 

 

I would cut all initiation and wait for her to reach out. When she does, set up another date.

 

 

I understand it sounds tough to do because you seem to be attached to her already, but you've done your part so now you must stand your ground. Any more chasing from you can come across as needy and will push her away even more.

 

 

You must let her choose you from her own free will. If for whatever reason, she continues to choose to stay away, then you gotta move on.

[Larryville]

She asked me to tell her how I felt about her-I told her that I am beginning to fall in love with her.

After her processing this statement she decided to go another direction.

 

I have had my eye on a girl for years

 

We have mutual friends so I guess word got out that I had some level of interest and she caught on

 

just wants to make sure we are taking things slow.

 

Why would she go from so into me to ghosting so quickly?

 

She gave you a shot, no chemistry so decided she was not interested.

 

It is very likely that if you would have been cool and took your time she would have been ok. But throwing out the L-word killed it.

 

Contacting her and texting her would be of no consequence. If she were truly interested would not have had the down time.

[TheAntiHero]

Ex + distance = She's not over her ex and you're her plan B.

 

What a wonderful woman (sarcasm by the way).

[javin3]

Thanks for the replies. Under normal circumstances I would say the L-word would have killed it. But-she told me two weeks later she was in love with me. Who knows, she obviously jumped the gun to quickly.

 

 

What I don't understand is-why would she say she really likes me and just wants to make sure we're taking things slow and she'd like to see me when she feels better? This was very recent. The way I see it is-this leaves the door open to maybe shoot her text this coming weekend. If I stay no contact for a week, how could a simple text on Friday evening or Saturday come off needy or attached?

[NinjaX]

Thanks for the replies. Under normal circumstances I would say the L-word would have killed it. But-she told me two weeks later she was in love with me. Who knows, she obviously jumped the gun to quickly.

 

 

What I don't understand is-why would she say she really likes me and just wants to make sure we're taking things slow and she'd like to see me when she feels better? This was very recent. The way I see it is-this leaves the door open to maybe shoot her text this coming weekend. If I stay no contact for a week, how could a simple text on Friday evening or Saturday come off needy or attached?

 

When a woman says she likes/love you, she only means it IN THAT MOMENT. If you start displaying behaviours that turn her off, such as being needy, asking where you stand with her, questioning why she's not as affectionate...etc, she can change her mind.

 

 

My read on the situation is that she is sensing you are way more into her than she is into you. You are falling for her so quickly so she naturally wants to back off and "slow things down".

 

 

I would personally go no contact, PERIOD, unless she reaches you. You can consider shooting a text after one full week at least and see where she's at. If she responds, DON'T BE NEEDY! Just be casual, have fun, hang out, no pressure, no I love you, I'm falling for you, "are you leaving me?" kind of crap.

 

 

Set up a date from there if you can and just enjoy each other's company without the expectation of tying her down.

[xUnknown]

I agree, saying "Love" that soon killed it. If my estimates are correct, that was 3 weeks into seeing her? By 3 months most people don't know if they're even in love yet.

 

I'd shoot her a text "if you feel like getting a drink sometime let me know". From there, go silent.

 

I had a very similar situation happen from December - Jan (never said "love" though). Few dates, making out, no sex, was going well. Went on vacation from before Christmas until after New Years. Difficult to set up another date, even though it was her idea. I threw the "if you want to get together one of these nights let me know", line out there. She responded with why she was so busy this week, ect, but never gave an alternative date. So I never responded. If they don't suggest another time that works for them after turning you down for whatever reason, they aren't interested. She still scopes my snaps, but that doesn't mean she wants to go out.

 

I'm mentioning this because I don't want you to see her giving you a little bit of attention and have you think that means "okay she's into me again and wants to date me"....it doesn't. It just means she's viewing your snaps, nothing more, nothing less. Maybe keeping tabs on you, but again, not because she's interested. If she were interested she would let you know.

[javin3]

What a shame this has happened. She led me to believe that she was crazy about me. She even was texting me she misses me two weeks ago.

 

 

Everything seemed to be going great. But, like a flip of a switch, something changed. Dating sucks.

[NinjaX]

What a shame this has happened. She led me to believe that she was crazy about me. She even was texting me she misses me two weeks ago.

 

 

Everything seemed to be going great. But, like a flip of a switch, something changed. Dating sucks.

 

I feel ya man. I've learned to give affection in the early stages without too much emotional attachment. She must earn that slowly over time.

 

 

Live and learn, and one day, you will surprise yourself when a better one comes along.

[javin3]

Well if there is a way to salvage this thing I certainly want to. I don't want to just move onto the next just yet. But you're saying wait a week, hit her up, and see how it goes is the best approach?

[JS84]

Sorry but you sound waaaaayyy too hung up on this chick who is obviously not interested anymore, was stringing you along more than she should have, and you do not tell someone you love them when you haven't even been dating for 2 months. I don't care if she said it back. You might as well have doused yourself in vagina repellent and called it a day.

 

Dating today is not a Disney movie. It's shady, people are flaky, they lie, they ghost you, they're dating others while dating you, they're ****ing others while ****ing you, they're not honest, they don't say what they really think or feel, and so on and so forth. Obviously this isn't everyone and it's not across the board, but it's rampant.

 

If I were you I'd forget about this girl, stop contacting her and don't bother responding if she reaches out, start dating other people, and don't get attached too quickly either.

[Larryville]

I would say the L-word would have killed it. But-she told me two weeks later she was in love with me.

 

If you want folks to give somewhat informed opinions that is a pretty fairly important detail to leave out.

 

You leaving that out either means you did not believe her or was not important to you.

 

The fact that she said it then later ghosted frankly means she does not have a clue about love and hence:

 

She explained that because her ex cheated on her and hurt her so badly that she always thinks about how painful it was she doesn't want to do it all over again.

 

Hurt and confused a bad combination to have to deal with. Way too many people throw out the L-word without fully processing the consequences of doing so.

[javin3]

Larryville-I didn't leave it out. I mentioned it in my original post.

[SevenCity]

When a woman says she likes/love you, she only means it IN THAT MOMENT. If you start displaying behaviours that turn her off, such as being needy, asking where you stand with her, questioning why she's not as affectionate...etc, she can change her mind.

 

 

My read on the situation is that she is sensing you are way more into her than she is into you. You are falling for her so quickly so she naturally wants to back off and "slow things down".

 

 

I would personally go no contact, PERIOD, unless she reaches you. You can consider shooting a text after one full week at least and see where she's at. If she responds, DON'T BE NEEDY! Just be casual, have fun, hang out, no pressure, no I love you, I'm falling for you, "are you leaving me?" kind of crap.

 

 

Set up a date from there if you can and just enjoy each other's company without the expectation of tying her down.

 

This X a million.

 

Guys falsely think that when a girl backs off you have to pursue her. It's known as the "Illusion of action". Counterintuitivly, what you must do is back off and let her reach out to you. Stop all forward movement. Women must do 80-90% of the initiation of contact. Otherwise, she will get unsure and confused about you.

 

What makes it harder is they will often complain when they don't hear from you. Yet they keep on chasing. What women say they want and what they emotionally respond to are often different.

 

It's also a huge red flag that she was throwing out the I love yous so soon. I think you dodged a bullet here. Imagine how you would feel if this happened a few years down the road.

[Larryville]

My bad, somehow missed it.... Then Smack nailed it...

 

She was infatuated and it fizzled out as quickly as it started. It happens.

 

After being hurt those like her want so badly to find a good dude they inflate their feelings. Clearly has not healed.

[Saracena]

How old is she?

 

I actually think she was/is feeling very overwhelmed by the pace and her feelings so far which in turn has made her realise how vulnerable she is. I believe, owing to what happened with her ex, she is genuinely scared that if things continued as such, she risks being hurt...again. So the only way to prevent this is by pulling back a bit now and slowing things down. I should know, I felt exactly like this when I met my current boyfriend (for different reasons) and told him we had to take things slow!

 

Since her last text was only at the weekend, I would give her space and let her contact you when she's ready. In the meantime leave the ball in her court and don't contact her again! I reckon she'll be back!

[dumbass2]

Maybe she is not over her ex. Usually when someone brings that up, there really is little hope for you at that point. Someone that is really into you and sees a future wont make excuses. Yeah, the "love you" and all that is just way too soon imo. You barely started dating. I would say it was more infatuation than love. The excitement of a new romance. All that time after sex just killed the momentum. Do not contact her again and if she contacts you, you let her ask you out. You do not want to just be friends. She knows where you stand and how you feel. A persons actions gives you your answer, not their words.

[Saracena]

. The excitement of a new romance. All that time after sex just killed the momentum. .

 

Agree. That struck me as well.

[javin3]

She is 25 years old.

 

 

She told me in the same time range-in reference to the afraid of getting hurt comments:

 

 

Original response: "I'm scared of getting hurt again. I think about how long I was with my ex, and how bad he hurt me, and I don't want to do that all over again. I know that's a horrible excuse. I do want to see you again, I just always run when I feel like I could get hurt."

 

 

I eventually asked: "Are you telling me goodbye?"

 

 

She replied: "No, I'm not. I can't say goodbye to you."

 

 

I provided her with some assurance that I would not hurt her..

 

 

She responded: " I really like you. And I know I need to stop being scared and trust you, I think I just need to make sure we're taking things slow."

 

 

Conversation continued...she had been feeling very ill...

 

 

She says: "Once I'm alive again I'd like to see you".

 

 

This is why I am so confused. I feel like she is obviously scared, and needing to slow things down-which is fine, I can respect that. But why would she say things like that to me if she didn't mean them? If she wanted me gone wouldn't she just straight up ignore me?

 

 

Normally I would never care as I never really ever cared about girls that I had briefly dated. This one is different. I care. She's special to me. If going no contact is my last chance at picking things back up than that's what I have to do.

[Bernard_M]

Sounds so much like an experience I had a few months ago. You can check the thread I started and you will see many similarities.

 

I don't know if it was the "I love you" that caused her to back off, but I feel that the ex and past open wounds are playing an important role in her decision.

 

I think that the best thing you can do is detach yourself as hard as it may be since you could end up quite hurt. She doesn't seem to have her emotions in check and it is dragging you on a ride you didn't sign up for.

 

Try to regain the upper hand by not caring so much. It is immature behavior by her so try not get dragged into it. Part of being the man in this is being (or pretending to be) unaffected by her sudden backing off.

[VeveCakes]

What a shame this has happened. She led me to believe that she was crazy about me. She even was texting me she misses me two weeks ago.

 

 

Everything seemed to be going great. But, like a flip of a switch, something changed. Dating sucks.

 

It's called love bombing - it's a red flag. Next time you will know to avoid it.

 

She sounds avoidant. Comes on strong then reality hits and she runs off.

 

Don't waste your time.

[javin3]

I take it your situation fizzled out completely and you moved on? The way I see it, if she's meant to be with me, she'll find her way back when she is ready. I have plenty of other options (I didn't want to admit that) but I wanted to give this girl the chance before I started with the others. I'm not really the type to date multiple women at the same time.

[Bernard_M]

I assume that since you are on LS you are at least somewhat attached to this girl despite having other options. It is perfectly OK. If you have the time read my story and judge for yourself.

 

I think the best approach would be a take it or leave it. Dont play the waiting game for her. Your are not an option and dont let her treat you like one.

 

I know its a bit harsh especially when you start developing feelings for someone.

 

That is the only advice I can give you based on my past experiences. Hope it helps.

[coolheadal]

This girl is damaged by her prior ex love now you see how it is. You really need to stand for yourself and just forget about her. You can't hope that she'll change for who you want to be with! She not going to give that to you! She already told you how she felt and you are not listening to no one here! So wake up out of your dream, and pull your self-esteem out and get on with your life.