leafguy Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 For guys and girls alike....what triggers it? How do you deal with it? Is it a power thing? Is it a game? Right now I am in a situation where I just started dating a girl where one day she is the most talkative person I know and then for a day or two I won't hear a peep out of her. Its been a pattern like this for a couple weeks and Im debating saying screw the whole thing as it feels like they are into you, not into you. I don't expect to have those lengthy conversations every day, but responding to a how was your day text at some point over 48 hours doesn't seem to be asking alot.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Actually dealing with this right now a little bit. Going into Date #4, and contact is not consistent. However it is really good when we do talk/text, and I overall feel pretty secure about the situation.
Author leafguy Posted January 24, 2017 Author Posted January 24, 2017 Winny, its not that I am giving it so much importance, its just more general curiousity as it is something I have never done, nor would I. I just am trying to understand a bit more about the mentality behind it if there is any.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 OP just try assume the best in the situation. She might just be busy. Even if it ends up being not so good for you, worrying about it and getting insecure will only make things worse. If you think she isn't fully invested, then date one or two other people, it will help keep your mind off things.
winny Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Winny, its not that I am giving it so much importance, its just more general curiousity as it is something I have never done, nor would I. I just am trying to understand a bit more about the mentality behind it if there is any. Oh there could be few reasons - - they have other priorities - work, studies etc and you are not the top of the list - they are talking to other men/women - they are insecure - they are bad in communication or think this pace works best for them - they are taking you for granted Whatever it is - it is about them and not you. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 For guys and girls alike....what triggers it? How do you deal with it? Is it a power thing? Is it a game? Right now I am in a situation where I just started dating a girl where one day she is the most talkative person I know and then for a day or two I won't hear a peep out of her. Its been a pattern like this for a couple weeks and Im debating saying screw the whole thing as it feels like they are into you, not into you. I don't expect to have those lengthy conversations every day, but responding to a how was your day text at some point over 48 hours doesn't seem to be asking alot. The phone works two ways -- if you want to talk to her, call her. Women are usually the ones who are wondering about a guys level of interest when they don't hear from the guy for a couple of days . . . That being said, I am a woman and I don't get my panties in a wad if a guy doesn't call me for a day or two as long as he has been scheduling regular dates, spending nice, quality time together and calling me here and there in between and during those calls we are having good conversations at the beginning of a developing relationship. AS for not responding to "how was your day" texts . . . maybe she doesn't like texting and prefers a phone call. Why don't you have a conversation with her about what she is looking for out of her dating journey and whether she is truly interested in exploring the possibility of a dating scenario with you. Is it a power thing? Is it a game? -- If she's not responding in a timely manner and on a regular basis, no it's not. It simply means she's not that interested. If it's a one time thing, call her the next day. what triggers it? -- Low interest . . .
Lilyana76 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 I hate texting. Mostly because I'm quite sarcastic and sometimes my texts can be taken the wrong way, but also because auto correct hates me. I would much rather talk on the phone. That being said, I have started conversations with many men on dating apps. They just sort of fizzled out. I ask them to be patient with me because I am super busy. I have 2 jobs, and am trying to start up my own company, as well as 3 kids. Most men respond, "will you have time for me?" The answer is, yes I will, I can make time for anyone I WANT to make time for. If someone isn't responding for awhile (days) or they aren't contacting you as frequently, there is no interest. I still try and at least text a few times a day if I'm interested. If I'm really interested I will make a phone call a day.
Versacehottie Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Hi Leafguy (nice to "see" you!), so as a wide generalization, typically the type of guys that just say "how was your day" IME are too focused on just me. It feels like they don't have much to talk about and is (sorry) a little boring, especially at the beginning. It's a pretty broad question too. I think compared to other guys that question feels passive. More (alpha-sorry) aggressive, in a good way, guys ask you specific questions, make statements and talk about themselves a bit more. Idk, that's what I noticed. I think it can be a compounded problem of someone having lukewarm interest because the person is passive overall and then you think you are being nice and good with contact with those type of texts and it actually drives the girl away. One way you can show that you are not singularly focused on her (a little manufacturer if it's not 100% true), is have your own stuff going on (hobbies, meeting up with friends, big day at work, etc) and MENTION IT. Dare I say every time? Yeah, maybe. At least in this uncertain stage where you can feel the push/pull. A good way to do this is be just on your way to something, just back from something, in the middle of something when you are in contact--which you mention. That shows her that you are not 100% focused on her. Hey, a lot of girls like a challenge too--actually more than you would probably think. That way she has to fight for your attention a bit, or there's a perception of that or it's hovering AND you show that you have it going on too. You may not be putting this (or any) girl on a pedestal but if it feels like that to her, it may be the kiss of death. That may seem counter-productive but just like guys like to chase girls, we like to win you over. If you are just "right there", it can seem desperate. I don't know I think it would be an interesting experiment for you to try. Be more assertive. It can seem weird to be a bit more about yourself. But if you are not a boyfriend yet, why act like one? I think people, both sides are more interested when they feel the other person is their equal and they had to work for it a little. Look if that's what she is doing with you, it's working. So reciprocate by making her work for it a little. Soft sell.
ElizabethIII Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Hot cold behaviour means you arent the only one they are seeing. The dont drop you in case they need you.They go cold when they have others around they like better, they go hot when they have a dry spell. 1
smackie9 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Hot and cold behavior is based on insecurity. When things get really good they are swept with insecurity and fear so they pull away. When the insecurity subsides, they feel confident again. Most therapists advise that you run for the hills because there is nothing you yourself can to do to change it....all you can do is put up with it, or get rid of them. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 There could literally be any reason, any whatsoever. You can't possibly guess at this. All you CAN do is say either "I'm uncomfortable with this, so no matter what the cause, I will need to pull back" OR "I'll live with this for my own reasons, and take my lumps no matter how hurt I become by it."
BikerAccnt Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 I put up with this for two years with my last ex before I ended things. It's the way they are. They may be pulling away for different reasons, but generally, when people pull away without explanation, and it keeps happening, that's too much for me. I require some level of consistency. It can be every day consistency, or every few days consistency. Just consistent.
Lilyana76 Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 You make time for people you WANT to make time for. Hot/Cold... Distant/Here... its all about if they want to. If they run cold, they don't want. Find someone who will and does want
phineas Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Hot cold behaviour means you arent the only one they are seeing. The dont drop you in case they need you.They go cold when they have others around they like better, they go hot when they have a dry spell. DING DING DING!. I've learned to take hot/cold by the horns and basically tell them "you are hot and cold and it's a turn-off. we should go our separate ways" or something to that affect then I go NC. Sometimes they come back but if it's too soon (other option didn't work out) i keep ignoring. if they come back say half a yr to a yr later i'll respond but they really need to make an effort to help generate my interest in them again. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Worst case scenario: they aren't into you Best case scenerio: they're manipulative 1
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 I have had many threads and many issues while dating but I don't remember having one about a man being hot and cold because I simply didn't date them. I think too much of myself to be enduring these games, if a man didn't have time to show consistency I knew I had 100 other men to pick from. I don't care what is the text I get, I reply the same day. It's basic politeness. Ignoring one of my communication for a couple of days is unacceptable to me and simply a lack of interest. In this day an age we are all glued to our phones, there is no excuse what-so-ever to not reply to my text the same day. When a man started being hot and cold I simply moved on. 2
ElizabethIII Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 I have had many threads and many issues while dating but I don't remember having one about a man being hot and cold because I simply didn't date them. I think too much of myself to be enduring these games, if a man didn't have time to show consistency I knew I had 100 other men to pick from. I don't care what is the text I get, I reply the same day. It's basic politeness. Ignoring one of my communication for a couple of days is unacceptable to me and simply a lack of interest. In this day an age we are all glued to our phones, there is no excuse what-so-ever to not reply to my text the same day. When a man started being hot and cold I simply moved on. There is a funny facebook meme somewhere that says word to the effect of, I sent a text because I wanted a quick reply. If I wanted to wait 2 days I would have sent a carrier pigeon. Says it all really. 1
Jj66 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I often reply the next day when people text me while I am asleep or I don't see the text until it's too late to text back. It just happened the other day that I fell asleep and didn't get a text from a friend that rarely texts me until I woke up at 11:30 PM. It was too late to text back. I wrote a reply bit did not press send. Then the next day I forgot about that text. About 2:00 PM the next day I got a hurt and angry text from my friend accusing me of ignoring her. Far from it. I had already typed a response but had not sent it yet. We cleared it all up.
leogirl876 Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 After this last guy I dated, I refuse to ever date someone again who's hot & cold. Turns out, he was lying to me for 4 months, he brought up the exclusive talk but apparently to him, exclusive means I only saw him and he saw other people too. Hot & cold is too much for me to handle and it's usually because they're seeing other people I think. At least that's been my experience. Don't stop seeing other people, and if it keeps going on after a couple months, drop them! Repeat after me..."inconsistent behavior is a huge turnoff!!!!"
coolheadal Posted January 25, 2017 Posted January 25, 2017 I am going through this myself but my girlfriend has lot going on job, finances and her kids. Where I don't have those issues I live carefree without worry doesn't help. So the text when you can but let her text back first. That is what she did. Yesterday text was on point with mine she was text bandit! LOL I need to only text 2 to three lines and not a book report. I will not stand for certain things I told her. If she doesn't hear from back then that means I busy. Or the cell phone battery charging. She told she wasn't going to pay her cell phone bill which was due in two days I told you are going to pay it! If you can't then I'll us on 2-line plan and I'll pay the bill. She said she's shutting down the phone now! No excuses not having it! If she didn't text back with interest then you know not working out. But if she does then let fly with words to you. I can see this can work both ways. Each women going to behave different we can only say what we know, but your the final judge because only can see what's coming on your cell. Hi or just no more Hi... Like I said she did text back to me right away after saying all that. I course she has the money to pay her cell she needs it for work and to communicate with here kids. Just calling her bluff!
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