dinosaursymphony Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 So my ex and I started being in contact regularly about a month ago. We broke up about 10 months ago after 4 years as the hardships and distance of me being away at school became too hard. He broke up with me, but it was hard on both of us. During our break I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and through medication, therapy, and self-reflection I really turned myself around. I also worked to get in better shape. I'm in a much better place mentally, and I know he has noticed that. I worked hard to move on to a point of indifference during that time. I did not feel as though we were done, but knew I would ultimately be fine with or without him and just wanted to see him happy. After talking for a couple of weeks, we decided to meet up, and had a really great date. We went rock climbing, grabbed some food, and went back to his house to watch Netflix. We ended up hooking up and I slept over. Everything went extremely well and it felt natural. It was like we were back in our relationship, and it made us both very happy. That complicated things for both of us and made things confusing. We both did a lot of thinking after that but couldn't really come to a concrete decision. He doesn't think he's in a healthy enough mental place to have a distance relationship at the moment, but he does have feelings for me. He doesn't think that maintaining a casual relationship (hooking up when I'm home) would be good for either of us as it clearly makes this difficult. He was telling me he previously had a tinder but deleted it because it made him feel bad about himself. He downloaded it again the day after we met up as he was really struggling with how he felt, and he said it didn't have the same negative effect this time. He is a very logical person who thoroughly thinks through everything, so he has been doing a lot of thinking about the situation. Us getting back together has been brought up, and he has always said that he can't say 100% for 4 months from now (when I move back home), but if we are both single, we will definitely give it a try. Like I said, he is on tinder, and I was talking about how him saying "if we are both single" made me feel as though I may be a fallback for him in case other things don't work out. He told me he understood why I felt that way, and admitted he has a date next week. He said ultimately he wants to explore other possible relationships since that's the only way of knowing in the end if he wants to be with me because it's right, not just because it's familiar. He also says that he does still have feelings for me too. I understand that, since I have been on several dates and involved with someone else briefly, and I always had the feeling that something was missing; something I had with my ex. I can't put my finger on it, but it always left me a bit empty. So I get the logic of wanting to see if it feels "right." Those dates for me really made me realize my ex's worth and value, and I know that the only way for him to see the same things that I did is for him to go through the same thing. I'm doing my best to stay positive, but I'm still disappointed. I do feel as though another relationship would go extremely well for us and would make us both very happy. I'm hoping he feels the same thing missing like I did, but I can't help but worry that others will overshadow me. I just would like some insight and advice on the situation. How do I move forward? Do I stay in contact? What do I do?
mystificatecg Posted January 24, 2017 Posted January 24, 2017 Tell him not to talk to you unless he is serious about getting back together. Then ghost him. I'm talking complete 180. Never talk to him again until he is serious about getting back. walk away forever. You won't listen though.
Author dinosaursymphony Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 We broke up about a year ago after a 4 year relationship due to distance. Started talking regularly when I got home for winter break after I sent him a snapchat saying it was good to be home. He had contacted me on a few occasions before then, but the conversations were never long. Ended up planning to hang out, which turned into a date. Though we had talked about how a relationship wasn’t really in the cards at the moment, as I am finishing up school and we have found long distance doesn’t work for us. We went rock climbing, had dinner, watched Netflix, and ended up sleeping together and I stayed the night. Our chemistry was still there That kind of confused things, and we ultimately decided that we should try and keep things non-romantic until I move back home in three months. We kept talking in a friendly way, which once again became more flirtatious. We were talking about how nice it will be when I’m home and I’ll be around all the time and other stuff. Ended up hanging out again when I was home, went out to breakfast and watched some Netflix. We were cuddling, he was stroking my hair, kissing my head, and all that stuff. Again, very confusing and whatnot and we decided we needed to keep it at just friends. That there is the possibility of a future for us, but we need to not plan on it. He said he will always have feelings for me, but right now he just isn’t ready to jump into a relationship again. Because of the distance, because he kinda feels the need to see other people, and because he and I went through so much he just isn’t ready to jump back in. I think he feels like he needs to try and date other people as I’ve been his only serious girlfriend and he has mentioned wanting to see other people to make sure that he and I being together is because it’s right, and not just what is familiar. He did go on one date that I know of and he said it didn’t work out. Anyway, he and I have chemistry and feelings that pretty much always drives our conversations toward things that are more than friends no matter our desire to keep it at just that. I mean, he was questioning me about a date I had the other day, very obviously jealous, saying it was something he needed to get used to as it bothered him and he didn’t want to think about it. So we ultimately decided that we shouldn’t talk for a while. He said: “I mean, I don’t have the control I’d like with you, and I’d like to get to another place personally before I’m ready to go back to anything. I don’t think I’ll ever reach that place if we keep talking.” I guess I’m not sure what to do in terms of him. We aren’t talking, and we said we would reach out again in May when I’m home. We ended with him wishing me well on my semester and saying we would talk soon. I guess I just don’t know how to interpret all of this. I don't know how to interpret his whole needing to get to another place personally before jumping back in. I don’t want to wait…but I also do have hope.
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 We broke up about a year ago after a 4 year relationship due to distance. Started talking regularly when I got home for winter break after I sent him a snapchat saying it was good to be home. He had contacted me on a few occasions before then, but the conversations were never long. Ended up planning to hang out, which turned into a date. Though we had talked about how a relationship wasn’t really in the cards at the moment, as I am finishing up school and we have found long distance doesn’t work for us. We went rock climbing, had dinner, watched Netflix, and ended up sleeping together and I stayed the night. Our chemistry was still there That kind of confused things, and we ultimately decided that we should try and keep things non-romantic until I move back home in three months. We kept talking in a friendly way, which once again became more flirtatious. We were talking about how nice it will be when I’m home and I’ll be around all the time and other stuff. Ended up hanging out again when I was home, went out to breakfast and watched some Netflix. We were cuddling, he was stroking my hair, kissing my head, and all that stuff. Again, very confusing and whatnot and we decided we needed to keep it at just friends. That there is the possibility of a future for us, but we need to not plan on it. He said he will always have feelings for me, but right now he just isn’t ready to jump into a relationship again. Because of the distance, because he kinda feels the need to see other people, and because he and I went through so much he just isn’t ready to jump back in. I think he feels like he needs to try and date other people as I’ve been his only serious girlfriend and he has mentioned wanting to see other people to make sure that he and I being together is because it’s right, and not just what is familiar. He did go on one date that I know of and he said it didn’t work out. Anyway, he and I have chemistry and feelings that pretty much always drives our conversations toward things that are more than friends no matter our desire to keep it at just that. I mean, he was questioning me about a date I had the other day, very obviously jealous, saying it was something he needed to get used to as it bothered him and he didn’t want to think about it. So we ultimately decided that we shouldn’t talk for a while. He said: “I mean, I don’t have the control I’d like with you, and I’d like to get to another place personally before I’m ready to go back to anything. I don’t think I’ll ever reach that place if we keep talking.” I guess I’m not sure what to do in terms of him. We aren’t talking, and we said we would reach out again in May when I’m home. We ended with him wishing me well on my semester and saying we would talk soon. I guess I just don’t know how to interpret all of this. I don't know how to interpret his whole needing to get to another place personally before jumping back in. I don’t want to wait…but I also do have hope. Is he in school as well? How old are you guys? I'm asking because I'm trying to see if he's older and has a job and ready to settle down or if he's just started the dating scene?
Author dinosaursymphony Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 He is in school. He is currently working on his PhD and is set to graduate in 2019. He is 23. I am 22 and am working on my doctorate. I will graduate in 2018 and move home in May.
Author dinosaursymphony Posted February 22, 2017 Author Posted February 22, 2017 So I got a sketchy anonymous email last night about my ex and a girl he might be seeing? I'm not really sure if they have gone on dates or whatever...but basically it was an email with all these negative things about her. Initially I laughed it off because I didn't know if it held any truth and I really didn't care. Then, I read it aloud to a friend who brought up that if it did hold truth, it was creepy because the person obviously had knowledge of this girl, my ex, and had connected my ex back to me. Which, honestly does sketch me out a bit. So I reached out to my ex asking if he had been on any dates lately and what the girl's name was. I figured if he could confirm that info, I needed to take the email seriously. If it wasn't true, I would disregard as it was clearly someone trying to mess with me. He wouldn't tell me, which was frustrating. I ended up forwarding the email so that he could see it. He never confirmed whether it was true or not but did say that he knew 90% of the email wasn't true. So I assume that it was a person he has been connected to. Anyway, he got cold and started asking why I was coming to him with this and seemed skeptical. I tried to explain that I don't care who he is involved with or what he's doing, but I wanted confirmation for my own sake to see if I needed to take it seriously. He ended up saying he doesn't believe me, can't trust me, and thinks this is bull**** and we shouldn't talk anymore. He then blocked me on facebook, but not snapchat (where we had been talking). I guess I'm trying to understand what I did wrong and how/if I can fix this?
Purepony Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 He's an ex ? Why would you care or reach out to him ... he can move on and since he's single talk to whoever he wants The same goes for you Oh no facespace now your really done I guess you'll just have to live
hippychick3 Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 You should have just deleted the email and went on with your life. You shouldn't care what your ex is doing or who he's dating. There was absolutely no reason whatsoever to contact him.
Zahara Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 I tried to explain that I don't care who he is involved with or what he's doing, but I wanted confirmation for my own sake to see if I needed to take it seriously. You DO care. Why do you need confirmation? You both have ended. He's allowed to date whatever and whomever he desires. You don't need to know what goes on in his life, except to focus on yours. He ended up saying he doesn't believe me, can't trust me, and thinks this is bull**** and we shouldn't talk anymore. He then blocked me on facebook, but not snapchat (where we had been talking). I guess I'm trying to understand what I did wrong and how/if I can fix this? He probably reacted that way because he felt you're too involved in his life. Likely wondering if you were causing drama from jealousy. It's a break-up. Treat it as such. The only thing you should be concerned about is moving on.
d0nnivain Posted February 22, 2017 Posted February 22, 2017 You didn't do wrong by forwarding it to him. But you miscalculated if you thought some anonymous e-mail was going to get him to open up to you, an EX, or change his ways About the most I would have done is send it with a note that said If you know who is behind this tell them to leave me out of your little psycho-drama.
Author dinosaursymphony Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 Ex and I ended on good terms about a year ago after a 4 year relationship. I was at school in a different state, so we were long distance…something my ex always struggled with. It became too much and he broke up with me, but the thought of possibly being together again was always there. Got back in regular contact around December. Ended up going on a date in December and again in January. Went very well, but brought up a lot of feelings for both of us. Ultimately decided we should remain friends until I move home. Both of us talked about how we were going to date others. Friends didn’t work out because there were more feelings there, so we decided we shouldn’t talk until I was home. It was a lot of back and forth and it was difficult for me. This whole time I was talking about this with my best friend on facebook. I was very confused and conflicted and needed an objective outside opinion. I talked to her about our dates and conversations and whatnot and got her advice. Anyway, I have another friend who has had a thing for me for a while, but it unfortunately isn’t mutual. He went through a similar breakup to me last year and I shared my experiences with him to help him through, so he was aware of my ex and how I felt. He asked me on a date a few weeks ago and I politely declined. I should also mention he is schizophrenic, and I recently learned he has not been taking his meds for a while. He ended up sending a bunch of anonymous emails to me, my friends, my ex, and my ex’s new maybe girlfriend. The email he initially anonymously sent me was about my ex’s maybe new girlfriend (who he found out about by stalking my ex’s facebook) and all these negative things. I spoke with my ex about it to see if it held any truth to see if I needed to take the fact that I was getting sketchy emails seriously. Ex ended up getting pissed at me, telling me I was a liar, he couldn’t trust me, and he never wanted to talk to me again. He thought I sent the email myself. Schizophrenic friend also emailed a bunch of my friends ridiculous things. Also found out he hacked my facebook and sent contents of my private messages between me and my best friend to my ex’s potential new girlfriend. About how we had had sex in December and January, about how my ex had recently said he would always have feelings for me, etc. When the police approached schizophrenic friend (because he hacked my facebook and email from a recognized computer) he admitted he was jealous of my relationships with others and wanted to ruin them so that I would turn to him for consolation. I told my ex this and offered to send him police reports when they become available. One, because I am not keen to be called a liar, and also because this has directly involved him. He said that he still never wants to talk to me again because either I’m a liar or I share his personal details with people and he doesn’t like that (I assume in reference to the shared conversations between me and my best friend). He said I almost ruined relationships for him and he isn’t willing to put himself in that position. I was frustrated by this, as those messages were private and never intended to be shared. I have never wanted to destroy or negatively impact any relationship of his. I have only ever wanted the best for him. He said even if it was indirect, it doesn’t matter. I put his relationships at risk and he wants nothing to do with me. Even though I assured him I learned to not confide in friends so personally anymore, he said that my promises to not do it again mean nothing. He wants nothing to do with me, and he said he will never change his mind. He is certain. Even though days ago he was saying he will always have feelings for me, that I’m beautiful, and have changed in so many positive ways. I guess I’m just struggling because this whole situation is so confusing and draining to me. I thought turning to friends for help when you’re confused is normal and acceptable. This whole situation has destroyed numerous relationships for me and has made me quite depressed. My ex went from caring about me to never wanting anything to do with me, even though this isn’t my fault (at least I can't seem to view it as my fault...maybe it is). I just feel pretty worthless at the moment being told that he never wants anything to do with me again, when I’ve only ever tried to do right by him. Clearly these relationships that were almost ruined are more important than caring at all about me, and all the love and respect he had for me days ago is down the drain. I should mention that my friend pointed out that he was somewhat controlling and abusive (gaslighting), though I had never realized. I let him walk all over me. I guess I’m trying to see whether this is my fault and something I should feel awful about (like I do), and what I should do. I currently feel like a true f***-up that destroys everything. That I’m worthless and everyone is always more significant than me. I’m easily thrown away for others. I guess I just want thoughts...I don't even know anymore... Thanks everyone.
marky00 Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 "he admitted he was jealous of my relationships with others and wanted to ruin them so that I would turn to him for consolation." Jaw drops !!!! WOW 1
mourinho Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 This is how you never really know the peoples true faces. I hate talking about realtionship details to random persons. I know you must share your emotions and talk about it so you are able to feel better. But too much details are to much. My girlfriend did it to. She talked to some random frinds at work, and they always put me in the dark light saying that they would done it better. True is they are talking from theri pint of view not beeing in my situation. That's why you should always trust your feelings and your mind. Share emotions with other, but stay limited!! The only person you should trust is yourself. Knowing not only from my experience is that girlfriends between each other arent giving much helpful advices. True friendship between them i very rare.
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